DH told me last night that he won't have another child, no negociation...

[BooHooo]

DH and I are happily married. He has children from a previous marriage whom he has, quite rightly, supported in every way and had constant contact with. They are adults now.

We have one DD age 3 and she is very loved and, well pampered really she has a great life. The thing is I am only now becoming really broody for another and last night I told him about it. He said his heart would but realistically at 55 he just can't take on the responsibility. He feels he would have to work longer, harder and wouldn't enjoy his later years in peace. He feels he has had enough children and it would be unfair at his age to take the plunge like he would have 20 yrs ago, So it is a resounding no really.

What he says makes sense but it hurts that I will never have another child. DD has been difficult healthwise with some hospitalisations and to be honest it is only now that she is healthy and eating well and getting older and more robust that I feel confident about dedicating my time to another newborn and it is too late I am 32 btw.

I don't want to pressure him into it. I suppose I am just sounding off really.

[jabberwocky]

I wonder if your dd's health issues are part of his reasoning? Dh was mostly against a second one b/c of my PN PTSD and the fact that ds1 was such a difficult baby. His age didn't really factor in so much, although he does have a chronic health condition that worsens with age. But even with all of that, we went ahead with it.

Anyway, I just wonder if he might be more amenable to the idea if you waited until your dd's health is more stable to discuss it.

[BooHooo]

thank you SG and BTR your posts are really thought-provoking and kind. I will have that conversation with DH, without laying any blame. I think it would really help me

and yes my only wish this year is that DD gets healthy and strong, I do everything in my power to make that a reality. I worked hard to get her she is v precious to me.

[MorrisZapp]

The age thing is irrelevant really if he has 4 children already to work and provide for. Totally reasonable to say 'no more'.

OP, did you truly never discuss the size of family you'd like to have before?

And to those who say he's selfish as he should have known a younger wife would want kids, equally OP should have known father of 3 might not want many more.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

Agree with Sleighgirl, he should know how you feel, and that you are coming to terms with the fact that there won't be any more but also know that he is under no pressure. Your little DD sounds lovely.

[SleighGirl]

Perhaps you need to have one last discussion with him about it. Part of that discussion is very probable that you accept it but he needs to be supportive of you grieving for the other child you're never going to have if that makes sense.

I think it can be very powerful to be able to say how much it hurts and for your partner to comfort you and for them to completely understand it's not a blackmail technique but something you need to go through to come to terms with it.

I hope your dd continues to improve healthwise it sounds like it's been a difficult few years from that point of view.

[BooHooo]

Good advice x

[scottishmummy]

take stock be happy for what you have.dd and dh

[BooHooo]

I honestly don't remember discussing anything at all. Although I do remember DD was planned to the date and was v much wanted by both of us. She is a joy and things are rosy BTR you are right.

I will come to terms with it - it is not a painful ache on my part to have another, just would make things more, complete really..but would never want anything to change the happy relationship we have now.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I don't think his age in itself is significant in terms of being 'selfish' to have a child. But it does explain his reluctance, and it's hard to say he is being unreasonable. If he is the sole financial provider then that is quite stressful. Even a second child is an added financial burden. University, for example, is going to get expensive in the next few years and you probably won't be eligible for grants unless the parents are v low income. I'm sure he'd rather be able to give your DD everything and not stress about it than have to compromise financially with what he can give his kids and have to stress about money.

Even though dads often come round when a 'surprise' is born, sometimes they don't and that is a relationship breaker. Also if he 'gives in' to your requests it may always be at the back of your mind that he didn't want the second baby as much as your DD.

I know it's hard wanting another baby, but your situation at the moment sounds rosy, OP.

[scottishmummy]

did you discuss as a couple 1dc only.if so hard to renege upon that.yes feelings change but you will both need to compromise on some level

[BooHooo]

PP I am not old myself at 32 so I really wouldn't consider anyone "burdened" in my situation.

Thanks for your input but one could say parenthood is "selfish" in many different scenarios, where does one draw the line? When parents don't have much money or have a disability? or have so many children already? I don't think that argument that it "doesn't benefit the child" carries much weight for parents simply older than the norm.

[purplepeony]

Generation gap- goodness that's old!

I think it's great that you have the family that you and your DH want. But, to be brutally blunt, there is no denying that a 65 yr old father of a baby is not going to be around when that child is in their late teens to 20s, given average life expectancy of 75-ish.

I know there are exceptions to this; I know that parents can die young; but you have to consider the average .

I think one issue that parents do need to think about is what kind of a burden are they likely to place on their children, when those children are a very young age. Presumably, the mother is much younger?

I don't want this to be a criticism of you and what you have chosen, but if the OPis still readng, I do think that there comes a time when parenthood is a purely selfish idea and doesn't benefit the child if they are burdened with old parents at a young age.

[GenerationGap]

(a big happy famly!)

[GenerationGap]

I think there is a lot of prejudice on this thread, my dh was 63 when dc1 was born and 65 when dc2 was born, both perfectly healthy normal pregnancys without any fertility treatmnt resulting in healthy children. He is able to play football, run uphill do more than 50% of the childcare as he now works part-time. I would certainly not have been happy to have been denied a chance at dc number 2 (if it hadn't happened with either then I would have accepted that). He also has two grown up children and 3 grandchildren (s bit happy family). Age is just a number

[ChippingIn]

BooHooo - I think he is being a bit unfair, if he had only intended to have one with you, he should have said at the onset (you should have asked as well!), but to have a much younger wife, start a family with her then suddenly say he doesn't want anymore children is a bit harsh. I could understand it more if he'd said he didn't want any children at his age (52, when you had DD), but any arguments about being 'older' are a bit lame when you already have one toddler. Financially having a second child is nowhere near as expensive (unless you have sold/given away, all the baby things (car seats/cots etc)) and unless you intend to educate them privately, the costs aren't huge.

I agree with the poster who said this needs a lot more discussing. You both need to talk about your feelings and work through it - or you will just end up resentful. Good Luck x

[scottishmummy]

given he is 55 and sole earner,i see his fear of working next 10+years just to provide.it is a commitment to have a children.

a loved singleton need not suffer any disadvantages/all the cod psychology of lonely/spoiled cant socialise is utter tosh too.but people can have strong opinions on singletons

for you i suppose,acknowledge your wishes to him but also listen to his preferences too.

no easy answers

[diddl]

I suppose it´s hard, but he has four children, so I´m not surprised he feels that´s enough!

How old are his others?

Did he say that he would be happy to have one child with you & no more?

[BooHooo]

He always wanted a child with me, didn't have to convince or nag him for DD. He has 3 other children so he feels v happy with the children he has had.

[doesthiswork]

We went through a similar thing. DH adamnent one was enough - he had grown up DC from previous marriage. However eventually I was ble to convince him, and partly because he could see the advantages to us in our child having a sibling - MUCH easier - they always have another child to play with , and even tho' they do not always get on, at least they have another child who understands child things and an ally in the family - several of our friends have only one child and they have a much harder time, constantly nagging us to arrange playdates and sleepovers etc, when on a rainy days/holidays ours just amuse each other without constantly having to make arrangemnts. Xmas day is pure delight when they BOTH run excitedly into our room - would not be at all the same if only one.
DH was eventually convinced, he adores DS2 now (was moody for weeks after he was born) and even eventually when DS2 was 3 mentioned going for a third... (which I vetoed )

[diddl]

OP did your husband want any children with you or was your daughter his "compromise"?

[scottishmummy]

cant compel him,and if you are happy with your dd then maybe that is complete family.at 55yo he does have a point re working,commitments

did you discuss this pre-marriage and dd?or has it only came up now

[jasper]

I know a couple where the older husband with grown up kids from the first marriage refused to have ANY children with his younger second wife.

She married him knowing this was the deal. They are possibly the happiest couple I know

[purplepeony]

yeah...but 2 kids need twice as much energy and care as 1. And he had the first 3 years back.

[Heated]

Totally feel for BooHooo, since the desire to have another child can be a physical ache and to have that ache unfulfilled can put strain on a marriage, plus there is the companionship element for her dd.

Given that she does the bulk of the childcare, and assuming they can afford another child, then I do think her dh is being unreasonable and possibly short-sighted to point blank say no. Just as she might have realised his lack of desire to have 2.4 children given the age gap, so should her hb in marrying a younger woman. He was always going to be an older dad, whether to one or five children.

[IMoveTheStarsForChristmas]

only read OP, but .... 55? I think he's being reasonable.

My cousins have a 65yo Dad. They are 18 and 16. I'm sure people here have done it, but a 15yo at 70? No thank you... and no fair on the teen either!!!