HOW HOW HOW can I get DH to see how he is wearing me down?!? I am totally at a loss and I dont know if its me or him but it never changes

[lovelynewyearsday]

DH and I have been married almost 9 yrs, 1 DC.

I love him very much, and he loves me very much. We have a lot of complicated issues about sex etc but we are really best friends and both devoted parents so have always worked really hard on keeping together.

DH has always been my champion in that he supports what I do (career wise), hobbies etc and I know he is proud of me. But he is constantly negative and picking at me and I just feel so worn down by it now. Every time I manage to whip myself into feeling stronger and reaching out to him again happily and without any fear he will say a tiny little thing again and its just like he cannot resist a chance to stick a negative comment in.

Example (and I know these are so stupid)

Last night I was upset because I was playing around reading fortunes and I had made it clear I was doing it and he kept telling me I was doing it wrong and I should be interpreting things another way. I said to him about 5 times to stop, that I was doing it and to just let me enjoy it and he kept interrupting and telling me I should be saying something else, til I got really angry. Then he makes a big show of how unreasonable I am that I want to control things. Well, no, I just was tired of him constantly telling me what I was supposed to be thinking! It was supposed to be fun!

This morning I was determined to start the new year off well so after doing some work in the morning I got up to clean the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher and I was patting myself on the back because the dishwasher was all perfectly loaded and I thought, wow, its like tetris, and everything will get perfectly clean. So DH and DS had been playing all morning and I thought, I want to join in and be playful and silly, so I called them in and said "hey look at this amazingly perfect dishwasher I've loaded, arent you impressed!" (this was joking by the way, I dont really base my life on a dishwasher) But DH just said, "Oh so not one dish will come out still dirty?" And I instantly felt deflated. And I said, well thanks DH I was just being silly I cant predict a machine malfunction can I? And he said "no I meant WOW not ONE dish will come out dirty!" but that isnt how it was said. THEN he said "Oh you've left loads of gaps, you can get more dishes in" and I just thought, why do you have to do this?

Its such a stupid thing, and I'm embarrassed to say it but I went into my room and I'm crying because I just feel like every time I branch out he has some sort of negative come back. Or, the opposite thing he does, is makes me make every decision, and makes a big show of how I am in charge of everything, so no matter what I cant complain and he constantly flatters me. But in balance with this constant picking it just doesnt ring true.

I'm so confused and tired and I think I have explained this really badly. You will probably think I sound like a total baby crying over this its just that I am so confused. I keep trying to work on things with him and he is so steadfast and loyal and caring, but also chipping away at me, I dont know who he is or how I should deal with him. Please help.

Honestly? I think this is a personality type. It's a type of competitive personality that always has to interfere because they think they can do everything the best and better than you. He may not even mean it nastily - but for example, with the dishwasher thing, it's like he's been challenged by you to see who can do it the best so he's going to counter with some sort of argument iyswim.

It is immensely irritating, I grant you that. Have you pointed this out to him (his competitive nature)? I find the best medicine for this is for them to meet someone just like them (normally one of their own children!).

I have pointed it out to him many many many many times. Last night, when he was typing something in and I kept saying "why dont you try X" and he kept trying YWHFS and I said "why dont you try X" and he did ETHEHDF and I said "WHY DONT YOU TRY X" and it was X and I said, do you even respect me? And he said, of course I do, you're the most respect worthy person ever. I'm just an interfering busybody.

Well... I dont know if I like him if he's going to be like this forever. I hate how it makes me feel all the time.

but he must have always been like this?

or is it a new thing?

It's not like he doesn't respect you, he just thinks he knows better.

he has always been like this but I've been getting more and more depressed from it. And feeling like I like him and respect him less. Then when he wants to smooth things over because he knows he's upset me he just insists things are smoothed over and I've misunderstood him. He seems to have so little accountability or reflection of his own behaviour. I am so sad and I just wish he was not so hard to get along with and feel easy around. I know it sounds silly but the constant corrections for almost a decade have done a number on my self esteem. Then he worships me and goes on and on about how perfect I am and he comes off as an ass and I just get all soft and confused again.

I'm trying to think what I do.

I think one of the best things to do is laugh. So with the dishwasher thing, you just laugh and say 'you think so mate, well I am the dishwasher queen and you are a mere dish boy' ha ha, that sort of thing. Just subtlely take the piss iyswim.

Have you tried

"You're doing it again. Shut up." with a laugh and a grin.

If you love each other, and he knows what he's like, and he's basically a good guy with one big annoying flaw (being an interfering busybody) then is there a way to make it something you can laugh at together.

I'm a moody bugger and when I go off on one my husband laughs at me and makes a joke about it and it makes me laugh too because it pulls me up and makes me see how daft I am being.

Would something like that work for you?

It's tricky because it's one of those things that would either work out so well that you'd end up being closer and it'd become almost like a private joke between the 2 of you, or would cause massive rows and have you packing bags

I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry you feel that way because I bet my bottom dollar that he isn't meaning to make you feel that way.

I have to be honest and say that I don't think people change. Not personality wise . I think all you can do is have the odd cry/upset time and tell him to STOP BEING SO FUCKING CRITICAL and try hard to not take it personally but I do understand how it makes you feel but it's not a reflection on YOU - it's a reflection on himself and his insecurity and competitive nature.

yes, take the piss, that's the best way, it really is. But it helps if you feel secure enough in yourself to do that iyswim.

yeah I really dont know. I do try. I try all the time to brush myself off and start with a clean, humorous slate with him. I just feel unsafe, emotionally, with him. I guess thats the best way of putting it.

I have to go though. DS and DH are out in the house and other than my brief foray into dishwasher loading I've been on my own all day and I think DS is forgetting he has a mother as I've been cooped up working for days. Will be back later. Thank you

I think dp and I are a little like this. Often I take things he's said a different way to what he meant them (or so he says!) After 27 years it's something that rears its ugly head occasionally. I understand the flattering/decision-making scenario as well.

One thing - your examples of you reading fortunes (and him wanting to be right) and him typing wrongly (you wanting to be right) sound similar! Could this be a mis-interpretation as well?

Maybe you should talk to him about how hard you are finding it to take now. If he has always been like this then he maybe doesn't know how it is making you feel now. If you are really honest with him then his respect for you and his need to 'protect' you may take over from his competitiveness. It sounds as though maybe you hide your reactions to these things from him a bit (e.g. leaving the room and crying) but maybe he needs to see it to understand the impact he words can have. He sounds a bit like the Harry Enfield character 'Now I don't think you wanted to do that!'

Good luck!

well I'm in and out of the room and he is just insisting he didnt mean it in a bad way but the way he says it just makes me feel even more bullied. Like I must comply with him, I must agree that he didnt mean it in a bad way. I'm still on the verge of tears. I want to ask him to leave.

Ooh mine does things like this. He is complete perfectionist, and in fact is hardest on himself. We used to have massive fights over stupid things like me leaving a dish to soak in the sink. He ALWAYS knows best. These days, I tend to him ignore him and don't rise to it.

Sometimes he'll come home in a bad mood, and stomp round "tidying" things. I used to take this personally, that I was lacking in some way and get upset. Nowadays, I will let him get on with it, and offer to make him a cup of tea or something. I'll tell him if he is being TOO grumpy but a bit of uninterrupted stomping usually gets it out of his system - he goes back to being Alpha Male (in his mind).

he's just brought me in a silly romantic little apology note and I am crying properly now. I just feel so yanked about! He is inconsiderate and rude and bullies me and I get upset then he sweetly says he didnt mean it like that and I have to snap out of it. I end up spending my time in my room while he and DS are in the rest of the house because I dont want to cry in front of DS or argue in front of him. I just dont know what to do. If this was the first time I'd put it down to being overemotional but we have had this exact same day hundreds of times and I am so tired of it.

Then new year starts and you filled the dishwasher and randomly called your husband and son through to congratulate you on it - and low and behold, he doesn't respond how you want him to and so you go off in a full day huff on new years day of all days. He never said anything bad he just didn't know what you wanted him to say - FFS who flamin would. Filling the dishwasher is not branching out or trying somehting new, lordy lord. And now your freezing him out of the whole of a lovely day like today.

If there is something I'm missing, please point it out.

Otherwise I think you owe your husband and son an apology. They have a lovely morning playing together, you interupt them for a very very bizarre reason and then huff and exclude your husband for the rest of the day.

Yeah, I think there are faults on both sides.

You need to work on your confidence a great deal & he needs to realise how sensitive you are.

The fortune teller thing....was this done in front of other people? Had you both been drinking? I know a couple who get on well together, but add drink & company & for some reason they turn into the flamin' Duckworths!!

I really mean this in the nicest way possible and wouldn't hurt you for the world, but you need to grow up & have a proper grown up discussion with your dh about the way he makes you feel at times when he makes comments - he needs to think about what he says & you need to think about how you react! It's not a nice life sitting in a room crying for you and it's not nice for him to have to wrote sorry notes - hardly the ideal way to start off another new year, is it?

At the beginning of your post you said: "We have a lot of complicated issues about sex etc but we are really best friends and both devoted parents so have always worked really hard on keeping together." Have you tried sorting out the sex issues? Maybe if these were sorted out you would both be more comfortable.

Or is it really all about how you load a dishwasher?

agree with bloodyright. She saved me the trouble of typing it.

If I were your husband I would feel as if I was "walking on eggshells." Not a good feeling in a relationship.

Sort out the sex and the rest will follow naturally./

i think you are an alternate version of me. will be coming back to this but have someone sat next to me right now...

yeah you may be right bloodyright, if a bit obtuse. The point is almost everything I do is met with instant criticism. If I fill a pan of water he would say "oh dont you think thats too much to boil pasta?" I am embarrassed about trying anything new at all in front of him because he watches me like a hawk and pulls me up on anything I get wrong as soon as it happens. Of course it wasnt about the dishwasher it was just that even when I was being silly and joking he had to be better. And it feels like no matter what he just gets away with everything because he cant change and so I have to just get over it and keep taking it.

Just ignore it.

Actually my dad is likethis. He vists a couple of times a week, and took an old cot bed to the tip for me yesterday. I got a phone call this morning...

dad "Are you alright for beds?"

me "Yes... er, why?"

"""I just thought you might not have enough beds"

"Why did you think I wouldn't have enough beds, dad?"

"WEll, you threw that one out yesterday"

"Dad, that was a cot, and anyway, why would I throw out a bed without replacing it first?"
"
I thought you might have forgotten"

"You seriously thought I would throw away one of my children's beds, and make them sleep on the floor? really??"

"Oh well, I was only saying, I shan't mention it again!"

"Dad, i'm 29, why did you think I'd do something so dumb? I mean, thanks for the offer and everything, but really!"

coldtits your dad sounds really funny and mad

I had a boss like this, pick, pick, pick.
He even had a go at me because he didn't like the design on my tea mug!

I got talking to his wife and she said that he is fanatical about how the dishwasher is stacked, when he is home he has to stand over her while she loads it to check it is done "right". He completely does not see that for all the time he is out of the house she loads it perfectly well and runs the house.

He was such a perfectionist control freak, I aksed her how she stayed married to him, and she admitted it was because he spent 12 hours a day at work...which I jokingly said "but I have to put up with him there!"

I left that job as he drove me round the bend.

If you try to ask him why he does this he will ask you what your problem is...because his character type won't accept he could possibly be in the wrong so I think you must either put up with it or be blunt and matter of fact and reject his comments with "who says your way is best?" and "This is the way I do it, now go away".

Also, when did he last compliment you or praise you?
Can you think of a time?
Challenge HIM to think of a time.
Then tell him how many times he belittles you in a day.

Next time he implies you don't have the right stuff to cook just say "you do it" and walk off. If he knows everything, let him do it.

LOL at coldtits' dad - my mum was like that!!

My SIL is like this - always checking up on people and looking for mistakes. We were at another relly's place for Xmas and SIL was there asking if they had remembered to buy this and that. God, it was annoying (and it wasn't even directed at me!).

He is, I adore him

He gets upset though, that I think he must think I'm a moron. He's just "looking after his baby girl" (am eldest of 3 FFS)