HOW HOW HOW can I get DH to see how he is wearing me down?!? I am totally at a loss and I dont know if its me or him but it never changes

[lovelynewyearsday]

DH and I have been married almost 9 yrs, 1 DC.

I love him very much, and he loves me very much. We have a lot of complicated issues about sex etc but we are really best friends and both devoted parents so have always worked really hard on keeping together.

DH has always been my champion in that he supports what I do (career wise), hobbies etc and I know he is proud of me. But he is constantly negative and picking at me and I just feel so worn down by it now. Every time I manage to whip myself into feeling stronger and reaching out to him again happily and without any fear he will say a tiny little thing again and its just like he cannot resist a chance to stick a negative comment in.

Example (and I know these are so stupid)

Last night I was upset because I was playing around reading fortunes and I had made it clear I was doing it and he kept telling me I was doing it wrong and I should be interpreting things another way. I said to him about 5 times to stop, that I was doing it and to just let me enjoy it and he kept interrupting and telling me I should be saying something else, til I got really angry. Then he makes a big show of how unreasonable I am that I want to control things. Well, no, I just was tired of him constantly telling me what I was supposed to be thinking! It was supposed to be fun!

This morning I was determined to start the new year off well so after doing some work in the morning I got up to clean the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher and I was patting myself on the back because the dishwasher was all perfectly loaded and I thought, wow, its like tetris, and everything will get perfectly clean. So DH and DS had been playing all morning and I thought, I want to join in and be playful and silly, so I called them in and said "hey look at this amazingly perfect dishwasher I've loaded, arent you impressed!" (this was joking by the way, I dont really base my life on a dishwasher) But DH just said, "Oh so not one dish will come out still dirty?" And I instantly felt deflated. And I said, well thanks DH I was just being silly I cant predict a machine malfunction can I? And he said "no I meant WOW not ONE dish will come out dirty!" but that isnt how it was said. THEN he said "Oh you've left loads of gaps, you can get more dishes in" and I just thought, why do you have to do this?

Its such a stupid thing, and I'm embarrassed to say it but I went into my room and I'm crying because I just feel like every time I branch out he has some sort of negative come back. Or, the opposite thing he does, is makes me make every decision, and makes a big show of how I am in charge of everything, so no matter what I cant complain and he constantly flatters me. But in balance with this constant picking it just doesnt ring true.

I'm so confused and tired and I think I have explained this really badly. You will probably think I sound like a total baby crying over this its just that I am so confused. I keep trying to work on things with him and he is so steadfast and loyal and caring, but also chipping away at me, I dont know who he is or how I should deal with him. Please help.

I can relate, coltits. My grandad showed me his old army knife but wouldn't let me touch it because "it's sharp, petal"

I am 36 years old and a mother of 2. To him I am still 4. I love 'im.

My DH has a friend who is just like your DH and it is so tiring, I always think that maybe our friend is a bit insecure and needs to feel he is always winning, maybe your DH has the same problem.. I think you need to be strong and stand up to him and tell him what you think.

I can relate - PLEASE sort it out if you love him that much. I don't know how! I've been in a similar relationship and just ended up avoiding him. That didn't work. He was also always right and in control, or he handed responsibility over to me so then he could complain if it wasn't exactly to his satisfaction. It got so that I felt responsible for everything in his life that wasn't perfect, because the criticism was always directed at me. We had other issues too, and the sex one sounds like a biggie. If you can bear to share, you'll get some stupendous advice on here, I'm sure.

You are over-reacting imo. Change how you react if it's upsetting you.

lovelynewyearsday, I'm sorry you haven't had a lovely new year's day (Sometimes I'm REALLY glad I live on my own!!)

My initial reaction to your posts was, I'm sorry to say, "oh, lighten up for Pete's sake". Then I got to thinking about what state of mind you'd have to be in, where stacking the dishwasher looks like [a] a meaningful test of excellence; [b] a meaningful achievement, worthy of calling for admiration.

It's very worrying!

On the rare occasions when I think I've stacked the machine particularly well, I'll congratulate myself but have forgotten about it by the time I've pressed 'on'. It's just not that big of a thing. Tbh, if anyone called me into the room to gaze in wonder at their plates rack, I'd be stumped about what to say. "Wow, not one dish will have to go back in" is, frankly, the most obvious attempt at genuine praise one could hope for.

So what's it all about? I can only imagine you're either so desperately lacking in confidence, you find every task a challenge and need extraordinary amounts of praise. Or you're so hopelessly understretched, you seek challenge in the most mundane things. With DCs and a job, I wouldn't expect you to be that understretched ... but you said "it's like Tetris!" (Made me lol, btw, thank you) So, perhaps you did approach it as a puzzle and perhaps you are under-challenged.

Would I be way off beam to imagine that BOTH you and DH are types who like to make a test out of everything? Both, perhaps, inclined to competitiveness over the "best" way to do anything? Is yours a family that plays many board games & puzzles?

If it'd been me watching him type, I would have said "Could you try X?" once. When he didn't, I'd just leave it - after all, he might have been enjoying his attempts to work it out ...

... just like you were enjoying your fortune-telling, not really wanting or needing a "better" way to do it!

Like others here, I think it looks as if you are both very similar! The problematic difference, perhaps, is that you require a huge amount of affirmation (praise, admiration) where - we hope - DH doesn't need as much. Can I make a couple of suggestions?

1. Don't ask for praise, certainly not to the extent of calling people in from the garden. Learn to say "Yay, [lovelynewyearsday], great job!" to yourself. Enjoy your achievements, great & small. Take a second to bask in your own approval

1. When 'helping' DH or DC with a task, pause before diving in. Whether for fun or for results, is this a task they want to achieve for themselves? In 'helping' (interfering), you could be robbing them of their own sense of achievement.

1. When DH 'helps' (interferes) in your tasks, say things like "You might be right there, but I'm enjoying doing it my way for now."

1. DISCUSS the above with him. It sounds like you have a very good relationship on the whole; I suspect you'll be able to reach a mutual understanding without too much trouble (though it might take a bit of practise!)

Any use?

My DH is a bit like this. When we first got married I thought it would contain itself if I just let him get away with it all the time and in actual fact we were just reading this thread together and he said that I would say the same thing about him. He has a tendency to pick on things that I am doing and saying how I could do them better. It is really frustrating at times.

I don't know what the difference is but my DH knows that he is like this and that I find it annoying. If he starts doing it then I tell him he is doing it and he is sensitive enough to stop. In certain circumstances, like when he has done it in front of friends, I take the piss out of him back.

I understand how you feel because fundamentally I know that LarryGrylls would do anything for me and our child. He is always encouraging about my parenting skills, job (or lack of) and hobbies. It is really just this one area of his personality. To a certain extent I feel that I do have to accept it - after all he puts up with a lot from me too, particularly my messiness.

ItsGraceAgain, thanks for the thoughtful suggestions. I know the dishwasher thing is mad, but we are a very off the wall house, always doing loads of very very silly things, if I actually told you, you'd think I was making it up! So in the context of a very odd family it kind of made sense as our sense of stupid humour. And DH and I have a running joke of admiring good dishwasher workmanship.

I do have loads of challenges in my own life (and a penchant for tetris )

It does feel as dittany summed up, having the responsibility but with constant criticism, pressure, embarrassment etc Dont know. Guess I'll just have to keep getting over it and try to be less bothered by it because he will never change so I have to.

AliGrylls I feel the same, in that fundamentally I know he is the most solid, loving, loyal DH and father me and DS could have. And he contributes a lot of worth. But I am now to the point where last weekend some friends were up and I was doing something and everyone was watching but he was really watching and my hands were trembling because I was waiting for the comment to come and sure enough it did. It always does. It is so wearing.

I wont lie and say I dont sometimes feel emotionally abused by him, but also, and this is really important, I dont want to feel that way. I really want this to be about communication differences or even our mutual inadequateness. I know he will not change so if it is about anything more sinister or rather, something that really must not be shrugged off, I dont know what I'll do.

you really love him??

Nobody's saying "shrug it off". There's a difference between denying your own pain and attempting to resolve it.

For most people, this kind of issue is resolved pretty much as you would deal with any other frustrating habit - with a combination of humour, tolerance and asking the person not to do it. Once you feel you've gained some control, it becomes less painful.

I'm confused by quite a few of things you've said. Can you describe what you thought/felt, that time when there other people present and your hands shook?

I'm still thinking about this. I used to put myself down all the time. Without realising it, I'd develop the habit of anticipating the put-down that would always come from family members. Needless to say, it came across badly to others - who weren't planning to put me down - but, by then, it was so ingrained I didn't even know I did it.

Are you like this? More importantly, perhaps, has there always been someone in your life to put you down? Did DH's DF do it to him?

How do you react when you receive uncomplicated praise?

You know, I can be a bit like your DH at times, especially when I am under a lot pressure . I know I nitpick and I hate myself for it. When I have a lot on, I feel I need to have complete control over the most mundane things because otherwise everything will collapse. Its a character flaw and one I really try hard to control. I also have a super-sensitive DH so it can be a recipe for disaster, as it is in your house. What makes things worse is that when he is under pressure he gets even more sensitive and it feels like walking on eggshells around him where every single little thing you say to him is taken as a criticism to the point you feel you can't say anything.

The way we now deal with it is with humour. Instead of getting upset and huffy with me, he completely takes the piss out of my control-freakery and it takes the wind right out of my sails. He feels back in control and I realise I am being petty and am undermining him. I am not being flippant when I suggest this, I'm really not. It has helped us deal with it. He recognises that if I have started to nitpick it is often because I am feeling under too much pressure from other areas of my life and we sit down and talk about it. Equally he has learnt to be less sensitive and to stop taking every little thing I say to him as a criticism. If he starts to get super-sensitive I also know that there are other issues causing him to feel that way and we try to deal with those.

I think we both realise that our character flaws are heightened when we are under pressure and therefore try to help each other.

But you do need to talk to him about it. About why he does it, how it makes you feel and what you can BOTH do to stop the vicious cycle.

on the hand shaking incident I was icing something using a tool I hadnt used before and they were watching me (it was an impressive something) and I was nervous and about 5 secs into it he told me a better way of doing it and I knew it was coming. In front of other people I often get embarrassed by it because I feel belittled.

Confidence wise I am not great. In some ways I am extremely confident, like my career stuff and some of my personality stuff. But I do kind of always expect a stream of abuse to come raining down on me. I was badly abused as a child so I could be projecting this onto DH but I certainly think he has fulfilled the role very well. I will try to be more jovial and take the piss out of him in return for it and deal with it that way, as well as talking to him about it again, calmly. I know he loves me a lot and I do love him a lot too so it would be far preferable to fix us than split up or anything.

My ex was just like this - he had to be better at everything. He was so competitive, he even took up knitting when I was pregnant so his could be better than mine (it wasn't!)I was never allowed to be an authority on anything (even my own job) - he always knew better. It's very demeaning, wearing and completely exhausting. BTW, he was fully aware of it, but couldn't/wouldn't change.

They sound like twins separated at birth.

I remember one occasion when we had friends over and they asked if they could borrow our microwave. They asked how to use it and DH pipes up "Ali do you know how to use it?" I was so annoyed with him I picked up whatever it was and dealt with it before he had time to start instructing.

We had a huge row afterwards and all he said was that he was joking. He didn't really understand that he made me feel like a complete idiot. However, the fact that he knew how upset he made me did mean that he has been more mindful of doing it.

I think the sensible advice which most people have given is the right - get it out in the open because otherwise how does he know.

I'm heartened that you see the connection between your childhood abuse and your current problem, lovelynewyearsday. I think it's more subtle than projection. We (you, me, and the millions like us) show, be it in ever such tiny ways, that we're "expert victims". Potential abusers pick up on it and take advantage.

While I'm not calling your DH an abuser, he is bullying you - because he knows the nit-picking hurts you & doesn't stop doing it.

Ultimately, we're stuck with working our stuff through - inside ourselves - and with nurturing ourselves so that our emotional wounds heal. This makes us less vulnerable, and more content within ourselves. In fact, self-praise will help this to heal somewhat. I also think you're right to "be more jovial and take the piss"

Good luck with the calm discussion! Between that and more spirited piss-taking on your part, you may well be able to reduce the problem to manageable proportions.

Don't let him dismiss your feelings (that's uncaring at best) but bear with him if he doesn't seem to get why you're so upset - it's probably a learned behaviour for him. You might even be able to settle on a 'stop word' (or look, or joke) that signals "YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN - STOP NOW" to him!

I really hope this helps some. It's such a pity to be scared in an otherwise good marriage. Will you let us know?

uh-oh if he is really affecting you like this you need to think about your long term mental health. have you ever read any of the threads on EA/NPD? They might be worth a look x

PS: Ask him whether he was proud of the way you did the icing!!!