HOW HOW HOW can I get DH to see how he is wearing me down?!? I am totally at a loss and I dont know if its me or him but it never changes

[lovelynewyearsday]

DH and I have been married almost 9 yrs, 1 DC.

I love him very much, and he loves me very much. We have a lot of complicated issues about sex etc but we are really best friends and both devoted parents so have always worked really hard on keeping together.

DH has always been my champion in that he supports what I do (career wise), hobbies etc and I know he is proud of me. But he is constantly negative and picking at me and I just feel so worn down by it now. Every time I manage to whip myself into feeling stronger and reaching out to him again happily and without any fear he will say a tiny little thing again and its just like he cannot resist a chance to stick a negative comment in.

Example (and I know these are so stupid)

Last night I was upset because I was playing around reading fortunes and I had made it clear I was doing it and he kept telling me I was doing it wrong and I should be interpreting things another way. I said to him about 5 times to stop, that I was doing it and to just let me enjoy it and he kept interrupting and telling me I should be saying something else, til I got really angry. Then he makes a big show of how unreasonable I am that I want to control things. Well, no, I just was tired of him constantly telling me what I was supposed to be thinking! It was supposed to be fun!

This morning I was determined to start the new year off well so after doing some work in the morning I got up to clean the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher and I was patting myself on the back because the dishwasher was all perfectly loaded and I thought, wow, its like tetris, and everything will get perfectly clean. So DH and DS had been playing all morning and I thought, I want to join in and be playful and silly, so I called them in and said "hey look at this amazingly perfect dishwasher I've loaded, arent you impressed!" (this was joking by the way, I dont really base my life on a dishwasher) But DH just said, "Oh so not one dish will come out still dirty?" And I instantly felt deflated. And I said, well thanks DH I was just being silly I cant predict a machine malfunction can I? And he said "no I meant WOW not ONE dish will come out dirty!" but that isnt how it was said. THEN he said "Oh you've left loads of gaps, you can get more dishes in" and I just thought, why do you have to do this?

Its such a stupid thing, and I'm embarrassed to say it but I went into my room and I'm crying because I just feel like every time I branch out he has some sort of negative come back. Or, the opposite thing he does, is makes me make every decision, and makes a big show of how I am in charge of everything, so no matter what I cant complain and he constantly flatters me. But in balance with this constant picking it just doesnt ring true.

I'm so confused and tired and I think I have explained this really badly. You will probably think I sound like a total baby crying over this its just that I am so confused. I keep trying to work on things with him and he is so steadfast and loyal and caring, but also chipping away at me, I dont know who he is or how I should deal with him. Please help.

PPS:
"Look at my fantastic Tetris-like plates rack!"
"Oh, so not one dish will come out dirty?"
"Uh - no, this is a work of technical & artistic brilliance."

FFS - Dittany, don't see utter dreadfulness and reasons for divorce in every relationship!

I could write a post about my DH being thoughtless, selfish and a miserable sod, and posters would tell me to leave him. In fact I have done, and they did!

The fact that for the most part we have a good relationship seems to count for nothing. Every marriage has it's moments. It's how you deal with it that matters, and what response you get.

I know full well that there are utter bastards out there. But that is not all men. A lot of things come down to miscommunication. In this case, the OP seems quite sensitive. That's fine. But if she wants extra reassurance all the time, and her DH can't see what on earth she is stressing about - that equals big problem.

It's not about abuse, it is about different expectations. As an example, my ex and I loved to plan a holiday. We bought books, we chatted endlessly about it. DH is NOT INTERESTED. If i go on and on about a future trip(in the way I used to), he will get wound up. It just isn't his thing. That does not make him an abuser.

Maybe not quite the same thing but DH does this annoying thing whereby he appears to 'refuse' to believe anything I say. So, for example ...

Me: (Looking out window) Bloody Norah, the man across the road has just fallen off his roof!'

DH: (without looking) No he hasn't.

Me: He has! Look!

DH: (deep authority) No. No one falls off their roof.

Me: Well the man across the road has. Look!

DH (very) reluctantly gets up to look.

DH: (like it's news...)Bloody Norah - the man across the road has just fallen off his roof!!!!

Okay, that's a stupid fabricated example but it happens pretty much every day in one way or another. It drives me daft and frequently makes me think that DH has absolutely no respect for me or my opinions. However when I look at his actions in a broader way - the way he treats me generally etc - I have to concede that he is generally respectful but has some kind of mental blip where he is unable to 'believe' anything that he hasn't seen with his own eyes. Could you look at your DH's behaviour in the same way. Weigh up his general behaviour against these incidents where you feel that he is criticising you? If the general trend is towards him belittling you then you need to look at your relationship, maybe get counselling. If the balance is in favour of him being generally kind then just sit him down and explain how his behaviour makes you feel and ask him to change it.

Um Dittany - the books that you linked too....ignore the labelling, but what you intimate is that what is happening is abuse.

What is wrong with actually saying something to the bloke, and seeing how he responds? My point about the holidays is that what interests and excites one person can be a total PITA to another. Doesn't make them an abuser though.

OP, you come across as a little bit over-sensitve to what most other people are just normal, mundane and trivial marital interations, but seeing as you've had a difficult childhood that's understandable.

ItsGraceAgain speaks very wisely! I like her suggestion on how to handle the dishwasher thing: "Look at my fantastic Tetris-like plates rack!"
"Oh, so not one dish will come out dirty?"
"Uh - no, this is a work of technical & artistic brilliance"

It's just how me and DH would talk - with humour and not a trace of defensiveness. There would be no issue. Well, except if maybe a plate did come out with a bit of dirt on and he said "see, I told you you hadnt done it right", and then I would just say to him "Aha, you are obviously the dishwasher-loading king of the house - you can do it every time from now on then ha ha" Still with the humour and lightheartedness.

Re: the icing situation. Could it not have been that your DH had noticed you were nervous and worried about it and was offerng a suggestion of how it might be done easier?

And the fortune-telling thing: I would have said "Look, Madam Rosa, let ME tell this one, YOU can do the next one." And get everyone else's agreement that they'll tell him to shut up if he can't help himself interrupting, and if he can't manage that, he has to leave the room. If he starts, then just say to everyone else in the room "See what I have to put up with? He can't keep it zipped!" All done in a laid-back jokey way. HOpefully he'd get the message that he was interfering. If he got in a big strop after all that, then he's totally the one with the problem.

As for not typing in your suggestion of X, sounds like typical "stubborn bloke" behaviour to me. DH does it sometimes. Mind you, I do that sometimes and obviously I'm not a bloke! It's just NORMAL. Nothing to do with him not respecting me!! As someone else has suggested, in a way you are interfering yourself, in his fun (or whatever it was - he was trying to solve his own problem, you were trying to help, he got annoyed.) So yes, you both seem very similar in that you both like to do things your own way and be perceived by others as doing it the right way. But there isn't just one way of doing most things, and it's not a competition. If he tries to "help" just say "I'm fine doing it this way, thanks." And FORGET ABOUT IT.

I think that the actual situations of what you are describing are fairly normal ones. It's how you are reacting to them that is resulting in the problem. You seem to be blowing it up out of proportion whereas most women would shrug it off with a sarky comment back, and not see it as him picking away at your confidence. Like I said, understandable if you've had problems of being criticised a lot as a girl.

He needs to be told by you that even though HE might see his behaviour as normal (because to me, it is normal), because of your past, it is making you feel belittled and sad, and ask him to be aware of that and to try and keep his gob shut when he tries to interfere. If he manages to do that, then your confidence will grow and you will start to throw back the sarky comments whenever he forgets himself and does it.

I think real evidence of him belittling you would be if he were criticising EVERYTHING you do. eg the way you look, a new dress you'd bought, the friends you chose, just your general decision-making. If he's doing THAT sort of thing, he's a bully and it's a different story.

By the way, there's no way the sex problems will resolve themselves unless all this does first. No-one wants to have sex with someone when they feel resentful towards them.

Dittany, I think because sometimes that it is actually about you, rather than the other person.

I could have written those sentences. Counselling has made me realise that it is my reaction and expectation (from my abusive childhood) that colours how I respond to what can be quite mundane situations.

It might not be the OP's experience, but it could be? So, she may benefit more from looking into herself, than blaming her DH and so not really learning how to react in an adult fashion (big on TA in my world ).

I think this bloke sounds like a bully as well TBH. But obviously I'm neither the OP nor a fly on the wall in her house. So I would say - is the constant niggling made up for by lots of other supportive behaviour? Try and make a list of how many positive comments you get for each negative one. If there are more positives, or as many positives, then possibly you're being a little over sensitive for the reasons you've explained, if there are a lot less positive comments then he needs pulling up sharply.

I think Curly put it very well. Dittany, you just pulled out all those quotes. (Not in context by the way) So what are you recommending she do, other than buy books?

I would say the OP needs some help with her own self confidence/esteem. Or just not to take things so personally.

Going on the OP, if I asked DH to admire my DW packing skills I would have got a much ruder response than the the op did.

I like the TA thing.

PS, I don't have any bees in my bonnet. I try to look at these things dispassionately. In this case, i think that the OPs background makes her in need of more affirmative behaviour than her dh currently provides. Hence they need to talk more, or get a bit of support.

And transactional analysis is a very good tool in "mismatched" relationships.

Dittany: "I know it's very fashionable in counselling to do the "it's your response that matters" but that takes the onus off people to behave in a kind and reasonable way to each other."

You only have to read a few threads in AIBU to see that people have vastly differing opinions of what is and isn't reasonble behaviour. Two people could react in a completely different way to exactly the same comment. It's as a result of nature AND nurture, IMO.

You must surely have been in a situation with a friend where she's been complaining about her partner#s behaviour and whilst having to show your support, inwardly you've been thinking "Poor bloke, he's being picked on for nothing!" Or conversely, you've listened to a friend describe her parner's behaviour or comment and while she laughs it off inside you're horrified and thinking "God, there's no WAY I'd put up with that - how shocking!".

We're all different, there's nothing fashionable about being aware of how we react as individuals in particular situations.

'And transactional analysis is a very good tool in "mismatched" relationships.'

Seconded!

So cannot the OP tell him that? He probably has no clue.

"I know it's very fashionable in counselling to do the "it's your response that matters" but that takes the onus off people to behave in a kind and reasonable way to each other."

Well. People should be kind and reasonable to each other, but for lots of reasons, they aren't. And sometimes, it's up to you to figure out why people aren't being nice to you.

I do think that, mostly, it's because you're letting them get away with being mean and irrational. When you figure out that it is genuinely not acceptable, then you can make it stop. With a lot of vigilance on your part. Or, alternatively, just walk away.

Quite often, if you've come from an abusive background, you don't expect people to be nice, you don't know how to recognise nice, and so fall into difficult, confusing and sometimes abusive relationships.

What's the adult response to constant criticism? Pick them up on it. Every time. If they are rational and kind, they will eventually stop. If not, then you've got a different problem on your hands.

And my point would be that for some people, the automatic, "don't do that to me", approach doesn't come naturally. Nobody taught it to them and so they have to learn it.

I certainly did, and I'm still doing so.

OP wrote:

'I said to him about 5 times to stop, that I was doing it and to just let me enjoy it '

'I said, well thanks DH I was just being silly ... THEN he said "Oh you've left loads of gaps, you can get more dishes in'

So she is telling him it bothers her. He's persisting. That's bullying. But her posts suggest she hasn't got the behavioural tools to either shrug off the nit-picking or address it directly. We've all made good suggestions here IMO; she has said she's going to give them a try.

Lovely, Transactional Analysis is a method of working out which "game" is being played when people interact. The scenes you described, frexample, would be all 'critical adult' (him) + 'timid child' (you).

As with any game, when one player changes their style of play, the other(s) need to change theirs as well. It's astonishingly easy to do, very liberating, and fantastic fun!

A read of any decent Web page on TA is enough to get you started

Note where is says not all transactions have to be adult-to-adult. When you have your calm discussion, you need to be Adult. But, if he thinks he's joking sometime, where the 'old' you would have got nervy about perceived criticism, you can experiment with being 'playful' in the same way.

If you like the idea, go for it. I promise you, it's fun.