HOW HOW HOW can I get DH to see how he is wearing me down?!? I am totally at a loss and I dont know if its me or him but it never changes

[lovelynewyearsday]

DH and I have been married almost 9 yrs, 1 DC.

I love him very much, and he loves me very much. We have a lot of complicated issues about sex etc but we are really best friends and both devoted parents so have always worked really hard on keeping together.

DH has always been my champion in that he supports what I do (career wise), hobbies etc and I know he is proud of me. But he is constantly negative and picking at me and I just feel so worn down by it now. Every time I manage to whip myself into feeling stronger and reaching out to him again happily and without any fear he will say a tiny little thing again and its just like he cannot resist a chance to stick a negative comment in.

Example (and I know these are so stupid)

Last night I was upset because I was playing around reading fortunes and I had made it clear I was doing it and he kept telling me I was doing it wrong and I should be interpreting things another way. I said to him about 5 times to stop, that I was doing it and to just let me enjoy it and he kept interrupting and telling me I should be saying something else, til I got really angry. Then he makes a big show of how unreasonable I am that I want to control things. Well, no, I just was tired of him constantly telling me what I was supposed to be thinking! It was supposed to be fun!

This morning I was determined to start the new year off well so after doing some work in the morning I got up to clean the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher and I was patting myself on the back because the dishwasher was all perfectly loaded and I thought, wow, its like tetris, and everything will get perfectly clean. So DH and DS had been playing all morning and I thought, I want to join in and be playful and silly, so I called them in and said "hey look at this amazingly perfect dishwasher I've loaded, arent you impressed!" (this was joking by the way, I dont really base my life on a dishwasher) But DH just said, "Oh so not one dish will come out still dirty?" And I instantly felt deflated. And I said, well thanks DH I was just being silly I cant predict a machine malfunction can I? And he said "no I meant WOW not ONE dish will come out dirty!" but that isnt how it was said. THEN he said "Oh you've left loads of gaps, you can get more dishes in" and I just thought, why do you have to do this?

Its such a stupid thing, and I'm embarrassed to say it but I went into my room and I'm crying because I just feel like every time I branch out he has some sort of negative come back. Or, the opposite thing he does, is makes me make every decision, and makes a big show of how I am in charge of everything, so no matter what I cant complain and he constantly flatters me. But in balance with this constant picking it just doesnt ring true.

I'm so confused and tired and I think I have explained this really badly. You will probably think I sound like a total baby crying over this its just that I am so confused. I keep trying to work on things with him and he is so steadfast and loyal and caring, but also chipping away at me, I dont know who he is or how I should deal with him. Please help.

I should have said 'critical Parent' - 'timid Child'. MB.

Just very quickly because I am off to bed but I wanted to pop on - I will look into the TA I'd heard of it but not really known what it was, it sounds interesting.

I tell him all the time, and have done for years, that I am hurt by this behaviour. He knows. He just says in response (each time) either that

I misunderstood him
he was in a bad mood and is sorry

Both of which are valid reasons but altogether it has been too much. I dont think he is right to not take more accountability for what he does, most of the responsibility is down to me. He tends to say things how he pleases and its up to me to always assume he means everything perfectly kindly, even if they are blatantly rude.

Last night for example I said "ugh I'm in such pain!" (I've got a chronic health problem) and he snapped "bet you havent taken anything for it though have you?" in a very nasty tone of voice. Its because he doesnt think I take enough pain killers, but really I just cant take them all the time because it would be dangerous so I choose carefully when I take them. I blew up and shouted "that's a really fucking supportive thing to say when I've just said I'm in pain!" and he proceeded to claim he had been joking. BUT HE WASNT. I told him he owed both of us enough honesty to admit he wasnt joking and he acted like I was nuts so I refused to speak about it any more. 20 mins later he came in and admitted he had been in the wrong.

He does a lot of wonderful things though that I simply havent got into here as it isnt what the conversation has been about. He is right now cleaning our bedroom at 1am! He is very good in many ways. But I do definitely feel he is an emotional bully.

To be honest, all your advice has been very good and I thank you for it but I'm so tired I've got to get to bed. I'm going to reread it tomorrow and think of what to do as I cant really plan anything this tired. Thanks.

lovelynewyearsday, just wanted to let you know that ou are not alone. My DH behaves in a very similar way. I already know some of the TA stuff but need to make use of it. Will be watching to see what other advice comes up and how you get on.

lovely, I hate to say it but I think your DH resents your chronic health problem. I can say this because my DH also has a chronic pain problem and this has put an awful lot of pressure on our relationship and on me over the years. It took me a long time to admit that deep down I resented the restrictions his problems put on our lives but once I did our relationship got a lot better. If he does resent it he could also be feeling really guilty about resenting it because he knows that life is far worse for you than for him Your DH could well be just a bully. He could also just be finding it difficult to deal with the fallout from your childhood abuse, your pain and your super-sensitivity and so he reacts in an unacceptable way. I know that this can happen because I used to do it. It was born out of a lot of unhappiness and frustration on my part. You sound a bit like my DH and whilst I am not putting the blame at your door at all, my DH's reactions to things (because of childhood bullying and chronic pain) presented challenges in our relationship that we could only work through by being REALLY honest with each other. And as i mentioned in my earlier post, we try to deal with it now with humour but we had to go through a lengthy and fairly painful process of talking to get to that point.

I am trying to be really honest. I don't often talk about this to anyone so I am really surprised I writing this here! I really do think counselling could help you. My DH and I considered it but we actually worked through it ourselves and our relationship is so much better these days. And the sex will not get any better until these resentment issues (possibly on both sides) are resolved.

Sorry if I have rambled. I hope I have made some sense.

Dittany, I think you provide wonderful advice to those women who post on here and are actually experiencing abuse. However, I think that you see abuse in situations where there is none. I think your own experience colours whatever you read on here and I think that jumping up and down shouting abuse is not helpful. Especially in situations where the poster is more than happy to retreat further into her victim role.

I have just finished the thread and discovered the poster has a chronic pain issue - which of course explains all of the over sensitivity and low tolerance levels. Constant pain killers are not great for emotional consistency either.

I think twofalls is spot on.

Lovely: now that you've said you have a chronic pain issue, then it puts a slightly different slant on things. I've had slapped cheek disease recently and it's left me with really aching joints and agonising back pain - it's made Christmas a bit miserable and I've been noticeablyl short-tempered and irritable with situations or comments that normally wouldn't bother me. So I think bloodyright might have a point about low tolerance levels etc.

Re: your painkillers, my DH is very anti taking tablets for anything, it drives his brother who is a nurse mad because there's no reason not to take them. DH refuses to take them and then moans about the pain he's in, which of course really grates after a while. But that's totally different to your situation - if you're having to be careful about the amount you take then it must be really annoying for your DH to make sarky comments like the one he made last night, so you have my sympathy. Maybe it's because men like to look for solutions to problems and he finds it frustrating that you can't always just pop a pill to make the pain go away, I don't know. He was out of order, anyway. But at least he said sorry and admitted he was wrong.

I hope you can sort out the problem.

Dittany, the OP described herself as having to perform a fiddly task requiring pinpoint accuracy (icing) and said that because her DH and others were watching and she was waiting for a comment, she got nervous and her hands started to shake. That's happened to me a lot of times when I have become self-conscious while trying to perform an intricate manual task.

It's not pleasant but common enough. Yet according to you, the OP was "actually shaking with fear."

Excuse me, I brought a bundle of wood here. If anyone's got a box of matches we can burn Dittany at the stake. That should provide a jolly distraction from the OP's problems, eh?

I am convinced the posters who think the OP is being "too sensitive" simply have not experienced a decade or so of undermining, belittling, infantilising treatment. Like telling someone with depression to "just pull yourself together" - if you haven't been there, you don't understand. Even a very strong personality can come to doubt themselves eventually. Someone who's started on the back foot, eg as in this case having previously had a "genuinely" abusive relationship, will not have the techniques either to identify such behaviour as unacceptable or to cope with it.

It is probably fair enough to assume that the guy in this case doesn't mean to have that effect, but the fact remains that he IS and that he won't listen when it is pointed out to him. There have been some very helpful suggestions on here as to how the OP can both challenge him and feel better about herself - and the best ones have come from people who have been there themselves. The "lighten up ffs" type response says more about the poster than it does about the problem. If you have such rock solid self-belief that someone constantly picking at you can't destroy it, then GOOD, and I for one envy you. Please realise, though, that you are lucky rather than wise. The rest of us have to work at it, and somebody close to us constantly saying the opposite is no help at all.

Hope you didn't take it personally, hon! It's hard to do irony in writing.

He's being horrible. You have said that it bothers you, and although he says sorry (in an aggressive way it sounds) when you pick him up on it, he always does it again. So either he has some kind of problem or he's being an arse. I don't know what to suggest, but I really don't think it's normal couple stuff, it's bullying. And you've said yourself that it's damaged your self-esteem over the years.

He's a bully. And how best to deal with bullies?

Build up your own self-esteem by whatever means is best for you - counselling, confiding in close friends, getting support from Mumsnet, talking to your family.

If you can't think of a response to his comments, IGNORE THEM. Easy to say I know but try hard Lovely.

Then, tell him, tell him every time he does it. Keep repeating to him that he hurts you with his negative comments. Then you will know you've made it clear to him. I know how bullies try to confuse the issue.

If all else fails, do you want to stay with him? Would you rather have someone supportive?

And, do you support him emotionally? It sounds as if his self esteem is very low - most bullies are like this or they wouldn't have to pick holes in other people all the time.

I think whoever said that if the OP has a chronic pain problem it may be both making her more than usually sensitive and causing her H to feel resentful and more than usually irritable, has a good point (having a partner with a chronic physical or mental health problem can be hard work and can make the nicest of people sometimes unreasonable). But, again, though Lovely says he is a good H in many ways, are you sure about this, Lovely? Sometimes women whose self-esteem is a bit low say that their partners are 'good' partners when all that they mean by that is 'Well he doesn't actually hit me and he contributes a fair share to the household income.' and it's a case of trying to justify why you stay in this relationship, which is better than the last one ie not violent. What are the real, positive things he does?

OP I think you're absolutely right to be dealing with this. I had 9 years of this kind of behaviour from XH and it's incredibly wearing. Imo it's the kind of bullying which is subtle and insiduous and can potentially be quite damaging to your self esteem.

Whether it's due to a competitive "alpha male" attitude or otherwise, if it's bothering you enough to make you tearful and miserable, it's a problem. Would you consider counselling, possibly separately?

Annie, I think you are right, those of us who have experience of normal relationships with normal men with the run of the mill ups and downs and difficulties relating to all kinds of issues which arise in normal relationsips, view the OP's posts differently from those of you who are responding from a history of abuse and emotional issues.

I also have the vantage point of having chronic pain issues every year or so. I know the disabling effect that pain can have on your own self esteem and the extra pressure it puts on your relationship.

When I'm in pain and I have to rely on my husband, or anyone else, I find it almost impossibly difficult and I constantly think that anyone offering to help is finding fault or criticising. This is entirely my own stuff, but when I'm in the middle of it, I could swear blind that it is my husband or my mother or whoever.

I think the OP could do with some counselling separately and with her husband.

Maybe the OP's husband is a bully, but from a person with a normal history of normal relationships, I don't automatically see that, if anything, I see the OP as going through a bit of a miserable time and is being overly criticial and over sensitive.

MY DP is just like your DH. We had a massive row at the weekend in which it nearly resulted in us splitting. I told him I'm sick of him constantly critising, I know sometimes he doesn't mean to do it, but I told him its wearing me down and he never used to be this bad. He apologised he was doing the same yesterday I just told him to stop making me feel worthless and think about what he's saying before he says it. otherwise I will start to resent him and he will lose me and DD forever, and I know that thought petrifys him but I don't know how else to get through to him that I won't take it anymore.