How do I STOP allowing myself to be controlled?

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I have come to the conclusion that DP DOES control me.

The way I see it, I have two options. Either show that I won't be controlled anymore or leave.

I want to try the first one first.

So i need some help. How do I get OUT of the habit of allowing him to control me?

Take this scenario ...

Its bitterly cold outside and my skin is suffering. I decide to apply body butter to myself. DP comes into the bedroom and moans that I'm putting it on as its "his job". He then accusses me of being in a mood with him about something and sulks. If I snap here, he will make out that he was joking and I'm being too sensitive but I've just realised I have not applied moisturiser to my skin for over three weeks because I'm too worried about being "caught" doing it myself. How stupid is that? So please suggest a diplomatic 'smiley face' way of dealing with this one...?

Another scenario ...

DS asks if he can have a packet of monster munch. I will automatically stop at this point and wonder if DP would allow me to get him some. I've now realised I have as much right to this shit as he does!!! So ... if I was to get the Monster Munch without his permision, he would moan. How to handle?

Lastly ...

He's at work and I've been busy all day with housework and childcare. He comes home from work and says "will you learn to shut these blinds? people can see in!" Diplomatic response?

I know alot of you would just tell him to fuck off but I don't want him to have an excuse of saying I am the one being unreasonable. If I'm all nice and respectful, I can't possibly get the blame!!

Oh, and another one is that I'm not "allowed" to go to bed before him. If I go at 8pm, he will come too. If he wants to go to bed early and I don't, he will moan and whinge until I agree to go early too. He will actually hang around me so I can't possibly stay up!

I realise its all ridiculous, I want to act on it now.

My ex started out exactly the same as this,slowly chipping away at my self confidence.
To cut a long story short,it progressed to physical abuse,at that point I left.
Leave now,before it gets worse! ! ! !

Crikey! How long have you been with this man who is micro-managing the minutiae of your daily life like this?

Sounds like my ex. You need to realise that for as long as you live together he will be battling in this constantly draining way for control over you.

Please read your post over and ask why you would want to stay and work things out with him. Then please realise you can't work things out with him, this is who he is - a controlling bully.

Sorry if that sounds blunt but your post really resonated with me, and I can't put into words what a weight has been lifted since I left and am no longer controlled and doubting my every move and judgement.

I just never saw it coming! The thing is, when someone says "my partner is controlling" I always imagined a bloke PHYSICALLY stopping his DW going out, taking away her money so she COULDN'T buy stuff ...

I just never realised people could be controlled with this pyscological tactic. He controls me by moods, I end up doing what he wants to save the peace and its taken me all this time to realise I am in a controlling relationship.

If you're all nice and respectful he'll probably start believing you're a 'yes dear' doormat. It's a catch 22. You're an adult and need to be treated & respected like an adult.

a) It's YOUR body - you decide when you want to moisturise it. If he's so bothered about you touching your own body he can come and wipe your bum when you've been to the loo. Especially after explosive diarrhoea

b) Buy DS a six pack of Monster Munch and eat them together on the couch. If DP doesn't like it he can buy his own

c) Sorry - 'will you learn to fuck off' is my response of choice or 'what have we got to hide' being another

d) Is ridiculous. Not 'allowed' to go to bed without him? Is he scared of the dark?

You do need to sort this out or it may escalate to not being 'allowed' out without him, not being 'allowed' to see your friends. I speak from experience of a bad long term relationship with a control freak that escalated to physical, emotional and mental abuse. I'm not saying your DP will start to get out of hand, I'm just saying he might

Its so confusing. I mean, If I said to DP "You are trying to control me!" he will say "No I'm not, go and eat all the monster munch if you want, I won't stop you!" or he'll say "go out with your friends, I won't stop you" ... and no, physically he won't stop me but the fall out afterwards will be enough to make me wish I'd never bothered. It's control by stealth.

It is pyschological yes, and starts so subtly, but you have begun to notice which means it is gradually getting worse and affecting you more.

An experienced counsellor would not give you couples counselling anyway. Why not book in for free counselling sessions for yourself? I really think they would help, you could even take them in work time maybe and not tell him? I say this as otherwise he will belittle it, make it hard for you to attend, or even turn on the charm so you wonder what you were fussing about. But please do go - I would jump at the chance of free counselling.

Do you have any support, family / friends?

If you 'stand up to him' he may very escalate if he thinks he is losing his grip on you. I am not saying this to scare you, it is a fact and happens often with controlling men who feel they are losing their grip.

I know exactly what you mean. And it got worse. When I went out with my friends I naturally has a shower before I went. Ex-p would always collar me out of the shower and we'd have sex. At first I thought it was because he fancied me/loved me/thought I looked good naked. I realised after a while he was 'marking his territory' becuase he wouldn't be waiting for me out of the shower any other time

I have to agree with the other responses.
There is no way to stop this behaviour, whether you are polite, respectful or bend over backwards for hime he will always find a way of making it out that you are the one being unreasonable.
The more you try to stop being controlled the more he will up the ante and find more and more ways of chipping away at you until he succeeds. It's who he is and more than likely who he will always be.

It tool me a long time to realise that my ex was doing this to me as well and I always fought back it's not in my nature not to but by the time I left him I realised just how much of me had actually been chipped away. How much of me i'd lost while walking on egg shells and actually how often I had given in for a quiet life.

No i'm in the rather strange position of watching his new relationship from the outside and with some of the things he has said to me about it he hasn't changed in the slightest. He still has a strong indipendant woman like I was but I do wonder how long before he has managed to chip away so much of her she doesn't recognise herself anymore.

And what you say about the "I won't stop you" ex was the same but guess what I had no social life at all. Why? because like you the fall out made it not worth it in the end....oh and he had a social life.

It's manipulation in a very clever way & he knows that.It WILL NOT get any better,no matter how you react to it,it will constantly wear you down & voila you're his perfect woman,unless you retaliate then you'll get a smack.
Once you escape this monster,you will then realise how worn down you were,also the wearing you down makes you weak & then you don't have the strength to leave.Which is seriously what you HAVE to do,this situation WILL NOT improve,take it from someone who has been there & has the mental scars to prove it.

Sex is another issue. We have a healthy sex life, I would say at least every other day but sometimes I just don't feel like it. However, I'm not allowed to "not feel like it" because he goes in a major mood.

"Whats wrong with you?"
"You're so cold lately towards me"
"what have I done??"

etc etc and in the end, I give in.

Another thing he does is pressures me all day about it:

"Can't wait until tonight"
"I'm so looking forward to bedtime!"
"I'll use that moisturising stuff on you tonight before we do anything"

ete etc and he goes on that much that if I'm not in the mood by the time bed comes ... I can't possibly say no because I get accussed of leading him on all day.

And what next? You're not in the mood but he is so he rapes you? That sort of stuff happens.

This was this mornings scenario:

I was taking him to work because I needed to use the car. I let it slip that I was a bit concerned about the ice ...

"Oh! look at the roads! they're like ice rinks. Look how shiny they are ... wow ... I hope you'll be ok ... you know, we'd be screwed if this car got crashed ... You do know how to slow down in ice, right? You will go careful won't you? its a death trap out here ... "

Anyone else would think "aww, look how he cares about her.." yet this morning I came to the sudden realisation "It's not that he cares! he's trying to take away any confidence I have about driving in the ice so that I admit I don't want to do it and he can be all high and mighty and say "see, I told you it was too difficult for you!"

Sorry, I'm not ignoring anyone, It just feels so good to get all this out I'm kinda ranting and raving now. I am reading each and every post and thanks for taking the time to respond.

I do have to go out not but I will check back on this later. Thank you all x

Wow,this is soooo like my ex,maybe he is running classes.
How was his childhood???My ex was mind-f**ked by his father.Not that thats any excuse!!!

Well done for realising that he is controlling you and wanting to do something about it. He is being emotionally abusive by controlling every little thing you do. Making you consider his potential reaction before you do the tiniest thing is like keeping you in chains - as if he's the jailer inside your head.

My stepfather was like this and it took my mother many painful years to acknowledge what he was doing to her/us and build up the courage to get out. Talking to people about it is a very important first step - it took her too long to find the courage.

Unfortunately, you're not going to get anywhere without confrontation, which is probably what you are most afraid of. Talking to him about how you feel is probably worth a try, but he might end up making you feel very confused and like it's all in your head and nothing to do with his behaviour.

So getting in touch with a supportive organisation (google 'emotional abuse support') with a helpline is probably a good start. Keeping a log of all the little things he does or says that make you feel uncomfortable and unhappy might also help you develop an overview of the situation and show others how he is chipping away at your confidence and independence.

Whatever you do, try to keep hold of the fact that a) what he's doing is abusive and b) it's not your fault. Good luck - I really feel for you.

It is so wierd how they all do the same things isn't it, like they all have a controller's manual! The parenting decisions, controlling your body, social life, undermining your confidence in driving, etc. They all do it!

Now you have realised you will see it in everything he does. I would be starting with some very small steps if I were you. And please don't share these steps with him. Book in to counselling, book into a free session with a solicitor, and ditto CAB. Look into your housing options and where you will stand with benefits and what other help is available to you.

You are giving in a lot for an easy life right now aren't you? I really feel for you, but advise you to carry on as normal for now and don't let him see you are waking up to your situation.

This will only get worse so I think you must make plans to get away and start again.

The tipping point for me was I think when I realised I was asking permission to fetch myself a glass of cordial from the kitchen.

Sorry to be harsh, but you dont have a healthy sex life at all. he is abusing you by manipulating you into having sex when you dont want to. I assume he gropes you constantly too ?
Are you accused of saying things that you never said, or does he deny hes said things ?

Like others , i was once in this position and am now out of it thanks to all the support i received here, and ive never looked back.
Perhaps speak to womans aid and they can recommend a local counseller , this will be vital in allowing you to see whats going on.There was an emotional abuse thread a while ago too that was very good if you search.

Why are you living with my H? You can keep him if you like.

Seriously, this does, very much sound like my twat, especially about the bedtime stuff.

My choice response to all of the above is "Fuck off, there's a dear" Hence we spend much of the time in mood with each other and he thinks 'there is something wrong' with me and I'm 'not normal'

He will slowly erode at your confidence, untill you don't recognise yourself anymore. I'd forget trying to chnage him and just leave. It's what I intend doing, after years of trying to get him to change.

Gosh, the things you're describing are shocking. I'm not sure there is a fix for this either. I guess you have to say out loud to him to let you be your own person (go to bed when you want etc) and like with the ice scenario tell him that you can cope with the ice just as well as him thank you very much. Are you sure he wouldn't up the ante though? I wouldn't want him hitting you 'cos he feels he's loosing control of you.

I second what everyone says about it getting worse .Often these things start out as " stealth " abuse then escalate into blatent abuse. The example of you giving in to having sex with him is awful, what normal man wants sex with a woman who doesnt want to?
Of course its not about sex, its about control and he knows full well you dont want to, hence the harping on about it all day like a teenager. Mine did this all day too, i couldnt get changed without him coming upstairs to perv on me and he would bombars me with disgusting sexual comments all day.

Seriously, counselling is vital, are there any womens centres near you? You really need someone who is experienced in this sort of thing. For me going to counselling was the turning point, i realised id had no boundaries whatsoever and had always looked to him and others for validation as i was so unsure of my own judgement and this is why id put up with his shit, as i wasnt even sure that it was shit!

Get some support, there will be a pattern to this, he is likeley to get worse when he realises your onto him, he,ll crack on its all your fault, your too sensitive ect , and of course he,ll be nice for a while making you doubt the severity of it.

Theres also some excellant books," why does he do that " by umm lundy is very good, i have a copy i could send to you if you like.
Id also suggest keeping a diary as it will help you remember things clearly, instead of minimizing his behaviour when he turns on the charm for a few weeks( i was exceptionally good at minimizing his shit).

Might be worth looking into the freedom programme too, i think womans aid run it.

I agree with the others - I'm weeks away from moving out (I'm always saying that, but spoke to the estate agent yesterday and he reckons we'll be in by end of January) and longing to escape the bullying, control and manipulation I have experienced. These men are clever, it took me a long time to realise quite what was going on - marriage involves compromise, after all. But when it is always you doing the compromising and putting your needs and wishes after his, that is subjugation, not compromise.

I have a senior teaching job and several postgrad qualifications, I've always worked although we have two kids. I didn't think I would let something like this happen to me, but it did. Luckily I have the resources to get out of it, which doesn't stop me breaking down in tears at least once a week, and I can't wait to move out. NOW is the time to make plans, keep records and find out what you can do. It's not about standing up to him, it's about reclaiming yourself. Don't wait any longer to start living your life the way you deserve to.