How do I STOP allowing myself to be controlled?

[QwikNameChange]

I have come to the conclusion that DP DOES control me.

The way I see it, I have two options. Either show that I won't be controlled anymore or leave.

I want to try the first one first.

So i need some help. How do I get OUT of the habit of allowing him to control me?

Take this scenario ...

Its bitterly cold outside and my skin is suffering. I decide to apply body butter to myself. DP comes into the bedroom and moans that I'm putting it on as its "his job". He then accusses me of being in a mood with him about something and sulks. If I snap here, he will make out that he was joking and I'm being too sensitive but I've just realised I have not applied moisturiser to my skin for over three weeks because I'm too worried about being "caught" doing it myself. How stupid is that? So please suggest a diplomatic 'smiley face' way of dealing with this one...?

Another scenario ...

DS asks if he can have a packet of monster munch. I will automatically stop at this point and wonder if DP would allow me to get him some. I've now realised I have as much right to this shit as he does!!! So ... if I was to get the Monster Munch without his permision, he would moan. How to handle?

Lastly ...

He's at work and I've been busy all day with housework and childcare. He comes home from work and says "will you learn to shut these blinds? people can see in!" Diplomatic response?

I know alot of you would just tell him to fuck off but I don't want him to have an excuse of saying I am the one being unreasonable. If I'm all nice and respectful, I can't possibly get the blame!!

Oh, and another one is that I'm not "allowed" to go to bed before him. If I go at 8pm, he will come too. If he wants to go to bed early and I don't, he will moan and whinge until I agree to go early too. He will actually hang around me so I can't possibly stay up!

I realise its all ridiculous, I want to act on it now.

Just got back in and have read the rest of this thread.

OMG! It's like we've all suffered the same bloody bloke!

Waving chocolate under your nose then critisising your weight ... mine does that!

DP KNOWS I am wanting to lose a bit of weight and he promises me he supports me in this. Now, my will power is crap so I do really need the support.

So, every night at 9pm what does he do?

"ummm I fancy a take-away ... "

If I say "I don't" he'll go on and on saying he's starving and "imagine the creamy, coconut korma ... you know you want it" etc etc and of course, I give in because YES ... I do want it! that's why I've put a stone on in the past 6 months you git!

I've been drinking far too much lately and on Monday I specifically said to him "right, I'm having NO alcohol tonight .. please don't tempt me".

So, 8pm he brings me a can of stella, ice cold from the fridge and a glass "go on, you know you want to ... "

Then the next day I get "you are putting on a bit of weight, arnt you? you'll weigh more than me soon"

I also get the underwear check ...

"You need some sexy underwear ... like a thong"

I say "I hate them"

He says "yeah, you wear Bridget Jones' instead like a granny" (I don't).

I also get the groping ... making tea he'll come and cup my breasts etc

Crude comments? I get them too ..

"ummm I could so fuck you right now, get bent over" (he then laughs and pretends he was just playing, if I tell him off, I'm being moody).

I also have a "fancy man", naturally!

What about just asking 'Why?' every time he makes an unreasonable request. It will make him face up to the logic (or otherwise) of what he is asking. It will either make him a bit better, or make you realise that he views you in such a way that you actually can't put up with him

Qwik - it really is scary isnt it !! he tells me that I am lucky to have him as he still fancies me. he never comments on my weight ( I reckon I am about a stone and a half overweight and not happy with the way I look )he tells me I am just right, perfect etc. Fuckabale and have big boobs etc blleurrghhhh.

I used to think that him liking me as I am was quite nice. However, In the summer I tried to lose weight, got my haircut and started growing my nails. OMG. Why am I doing that ? Why the sudden interest in my hair, why am I growing my nails ? Who am I trying to impress etc. I gave up in the end. I am so angry with myself.

I too get groped at every opportunity. Its like living with Sid Bloody James !!! If I tell him it offends me I am touchy or moody.
God help me on weeks when I have me period ! He barely speaks to me !

God, ladies you deserve far more than this. Having a boyfriend/partner/husband is supposed to be about feeling loved and gorgeous and stuff.

Yes, I did the "Why?" thing, works quite well with my current DP. Also when they are being mental, don't follow them along the long path of their train of thought, explaining why you can't/won't do whatever it is, just say "That's mental" and leave it. Otherwise you are condoning their thought pattens as being logical and normal, by engaging with them as though they are a normal person.

I also find pointing out things very calmly with an element of surprised disappointment is excellent, eg "Hey - that's not a very nice thing to say. Why do you say that?" But you need to do it every time they say or do anything remotely unpleasant, which can leave you feeling like a primary school teacher. Not exactly fun after a long day of it...

I am also amazed at the behaviour of these abusive men. Amazed that three years ago, I put up with similar stuff. Looking back, I can see that I was in a vulnerable place mentally when I met exBF. I never used to connect it to his behaviour, just thought it was bad luck, poor timing etc. I now see that he probably targeted me because of my vulnerability and openness, I was all gentle and polite and couldn't believe anyone could be like that. Now I would just tell him to fuck off and probably knee him in the bollocks on my way out. The beauty of hindsight and all that. These men are just bullies though, and bullies are all the same.

He often tells me I am perfect too. He says "you're gorgeous the way you are, absolutely perfect ... well, you are to me anyway and that's all that matters" (in other words, god forbid other men may find me attractive!). Then in the next breath he;s pinching together bits of my flab and then starts laughing saying "I'm only joking, I like something to grab hold of".

I often wonder if this is why he doesn't want me to lose weight, incase he thinks other men will like me more. Therefore he goes out of his way to make me as fat as possible.

If we're in bed, he'll start off cuddling me, then it turns to groping. If I tell him no, you can guarantee the cuddles will stop.

I often say "how come you only cuddle me when you want sex?" and he replies "Don't be silly, I was just tired ... "

Too tired for a cuddle but not too tired for sex?

Qwick - I've known for a while that someone saying you're perfect is kind of a sign of an abusive person so what you've said has rung warning bells. Here's a link that mentions it too:
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

DO NOT think any sort of counselling/therapy will improve your relationship,the only way to improve it is to get out.
He will NEVER change,and eventually you will end up a battered recluse on anti-depressants,thinking it is all your fault & saying'he is not a bad husband really'.
Making the break IS difficult,but think of your DC & for God sake think of yourself,you deserve so much better than this shit.
It WILL get worse,it's just a matter of time.

OMG Msrisotto ! I just followed that link and am in tears. I would say that that is my OH to an absolute tee.
Especially the threatening behaviour bit. He qute often see news reports etc where women have been hurt by their partners and sympathises with the man. Says things like " yeah and if I found you cheated on me I would do the same " Or " I would fucking kill you if I found out you had cheated "

He is always saying X person or Z person deserves a good kicking a punch in the face etc. He constantly drops hints about what would happen if I was caught cheating etc etc. Its quite scary that I hadnt put it all together like that before.

Its quite scary seeing it there in black and white.

Oh ftb, i'm sorry you recognise so much in him but i'm glad you've seen it. You've got to know what you're dealing with and know you're not alone.

Forthebest, mine does that too...

"I dread to think what I'd do if I found out you'd been cheating on me, I'd kill you"

"I don't believe in hitting women, but if you did that I know I would"

etc etc

It was in the news a few days ago that a comedian had been charged with assaulting a woman. DP's first response was "yeah, but what did she do to HIM though?"

I was in your situation a year ago. I have spent/wasted the last year trying to appease him, but he just found different methods to control and destroy me. I'm now divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

My personal opinion/advice is that you have to try everything you can before you walk away from a marriage and maybe you will be the same. But when I tried to appease him he found new reasons to control and belittle me. And when I started to talk back and try to stand up to him, things got very ugly, not physically but to say I found him menacing would be an understatement!

I regret wasting a time trying to make things right, but I don't regret trying my best so that I leave the marriage knowing that I gave it my best. And that is what I will say to the kids one day.

Do what's right for you, but don't throw your life away over him.

Roll on 2010 - cannot wait to be divorced!!!

Hi ladies,

I would like to say that these things do not only SOUND crazy, they just ARE crazy. What your partners are doing to you is mad, stupid and completely childish, and what surprises me is not that there are controlling people able to do it, but that you are letting them do it.

I think it was the OP that at some point mentioned: "I am a strong independent woman", and some other posters agreed with that. Well, please don't take it personally, but none of the women posting here that have allowed to be controlled in such a ridiculous way are strong or independent. A strong independent woman would laugh at the face of a DP the first time he would mention anything as ridiculous as "don't put on your own moisturizer" and would not even THINK of letting this madness go on for more than a week before giving this guy a kick on his ass. Let alone escalate to the point of asking for permission to pour yourself a drink. None of you will be strong or independent until you stand on your own two feet and don't allow anyone else (DP or else) to treat you in such a way that anyone reading about it will open their eyes wide and think this must be a joke.

If I couldn't go out with my friends wherever I felt like to, just because I knew that coming back I would have to put up with an a$$hole's sulk... well, the a$$hole would be out of my house after he did that the first time.

What's happening to you is NOT normal, NOT sane and NOT healthy. Most women and men would never tolerate to be treated like that, and that is a part of you that MUST be changed. Any any extra day that you allow that dork you call a "DP" or "DH" to treat you like that is another day that your dignity is taking a beating because you allow it to happen. And if you decide to let him do that to you, well, then enjoy. But this is completely unacceptable when you have children living with you and you are letting them know this is a way a woman behaves.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really can't believe the sort of things I am reading on this thread. I really can't. And thinking of some of you having sex with these sorry rag of a man just so he won't sulk on you makes me want to throw up.

Now come and insult me and tell me how wrong I am. Even seeing you angry at me will be much preferable to see you behave submissively to your "DP".

Unbelievable...

aurynne, are you 19? You speak like someone who has no life experience whatsoever.

You can easily kick out someone who is abusive, someone who has punched you in the face - it is not so easy to kick someone out because you can't figure out whether or not you react to them normally, only for them to turn to you with tears in their eyes and exclaim "But it was a joke!"

If we, as women, have a responsibility to ensure we are treated well, don't men have the responsibility to ensure they behave well? Are only men allowed to be flawed, imperfect? Does any women who shows any sign of weakness deserve what she gets for 'putting up with it'?

A mother will put up with a lot when her four year old has spent a week screaming for Daddy for 2 hours every night. Trust me.

coldtits, I am 33 and I can assure you I've had my share of relationships... and if some of them have been short, it's precisely because I don't let anyone stand on my head and piss on my face.

If I got so angry reading these posts is precisely because I believe NO ONE deserves to be treated this way.

I am sure taking care of a girl crying for her daddy is tough. But I'm sure too that you'd rather do that, than staying with his dad and then have a 20-year-old girl come and tell you that her boyfriend locks her in the house and doesn't let her out, and she thinks that's normal.

Now, tell me I'm wrong.

Many shades in between Aurynne, and unless you've actually lived it, it's hard to comprehend it.

Aurynne, that response isnt really very helpfull is it. These things dont happen overnight or on a first date.
You would kick your H out if he sulked about you going out?
Really? You would get divorced, lose your home, split your family over him sulking about you going out the first and possibly only time he did it ?
Bollocks.

There was a book i was reading a while ago written by a woman on the subject of emotional abuse. She described how she was at a party and got chatting to a man about the book.He commented how he couldnt understand how anyone would allow themselves to be manipulated and abused and why dont they just leave ect.
At that point he glanced over as the food was being served. The author then feighned indignance and upset at him looking over her shoulder whilst talking.

The man apologised profuseley and clearly felt awkward. Of course the author wasnt at all offended as the man actually hadnt done anything wrong , but had clearly manipulated him into apologising to prove her point.

"You would kick your H out if he sulked about you going out?" --> I believe it is you who is oversimplifying things now. Obviously this behaviour does not just "come up" by surprise when you're married with children. I would just not let it get this far, and definitely would not even consider marriage, let alone children, with a person that shows any of these traits. But I am not special or particularly good at this. What I mean with my post is that MOST people ARE like this, and don't let themselves be controlled. I am not trying to make abused women feel worse, just letting them know (as many seem to think it's normal) that is it indeed NOT normal, and that there are many non-abusive prospective partners out there.

If this offends someone, well... BE offended, it may wake some of you up.

Umm no, i am not oversimplifying things at all, this is exactly what you said
"If I couldn't go out with my friends wherever I felt like to, just because I knew that coming back I would have to put up with an a$$hole's sulk... well, the a$$hole would be out of my house after he did that the first time ".

If you had any understanding you would be aware that this behaviour tends to start after marriage, children ect and very very slowly at that.No one knowingly marries a wanker, i assure you , and NO ONE is saying that this behaviour is normal, in fact everyone is saying it is unacceptable and offering support.

You seem like you are spoiling for a fight with the be offended , come and insult me comments?

To be fair Aurynne, there's a certain type of abuser who will target strong, independent women, probably because they subconsciously are seeing in those women traits that they would want to have themselves. They then grind them down, drain them of their strength. If you are a reasonable, nurturing, caring person and someone taps in to that and messes with your head, many can be sucked in.

However, nothing wrong I would say in shouting to the rooftops that the sort of behaviour people are writing about here is horrible and certainly (going back to the thread title)utterly controlling.

I feel very lucky to live in a time and a society where women do not have to put up with this treatment should they decide to say no. Imagine the days (and the countries where it still happens) where women were not allowed to own their own property nor control their own money, then if one was unlucky enough to end up with one these bastards, it was nearly impossible to get out. It makes me sad when younger women in particular now are ashamed of feminism and do not understand what choices it has given them. Anyway, I digress....

I wish strength to all of you. You can smear your body with anything you wish and don't ever let anyone tell you any different!!

Aurynne has worded it badly but she does have a point.

There are a lot of these types of men about - men who are inadequate and weak, and who bolster themselves by bringing others down.

It is down to the individual to recognise them and not get involved with their headfuckery.

Many women would just walk away, without a backwards glance. Not doing so is a problem, and the solution lies not with them, but within ourselves.

Of course, their behaviour is atrocious, but much more importantly if you get sucked in, put up with it, don't challenge it, then that really is something that should be closely examined and addressed.

Aurynne, you make me want to throw up

It just simply isn't that easy - to recognise, to change and to believe you have it in you to survive.

Read the Womens Aid website - they have a section about "why doesn't she just leave" and for the love of God alone, get some fucking empathy - or at least SYMpathy.

to make life easy - here it is