How do I STOP allowing myself to be controlled?

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I have come to the conclusion that DP DOES control me.

The way I see it, I have two options. Either show that I won't be controlled anymore or leave.

I want to try the first one first.

So i need some help. How do I get OUT of the habit of allowing him to control me?

Take this scenario ...

Its bitterly cold outside and my skin is suffering. I decide to apply body butter to myself. DP comes into the bedroom and moans that I'm putting it on as its "his job". He then accusses me of being in a mood with him about something and sulks. If I snap here, he will make out that he was joking and I'm being too sensitive but I've just realised I have not applied moisturiser to my skin for over three weeks because I'm too worried about being "caught" doing it myself. How stupid is that? So please suggest a diplomatic 'smiley face' way of dealing with this one...?

Another scenario ...

DS asks if he can have a packet of monster munch. I will automatically stop at this point and wonder if DP would allow me to get him some. I've now realised I have as much right to this shit as he does!!! So ... if I was to get the Monster Munch without his permision, he would moan. How to handle?

Lastly ...

He's at work and I've been busy all day with housework and childcare. He comes home from work and says "will you learn to shut these blinds? people can see in!" Diplomatic response?

I know alot of you would just tell him to fuck off but I don't want him to have an excuse of saying I am the one being unreasonable. If I'm all nice and respectful, I can't possibly get the blame!!

Oh, and another one is that I'm not "allowed" to go to bed before him. If I go at 8pm, he will come too. If he wants to go to bed early and I don't, he will moan and whinge until I agree to go early too. He will actually hang around me so I can't possibly stay up!

I realise its all ridiculous, I want to act on it now.

me too hansie, me too

QNC,

I would also say that such abusers are often very plausible to those in the outside world and I think they have no idea of what your partner is really like behind closed doors.

Do contact Womens Aid (their Freedom program is good) and read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

No joint counselling can be done in this sitation because of the abusive nature of your relationship. Controlling behaviour is absuive behavoiuir and such behaviours often escalate over time.

No counsellor worth their salt would counsel you jointly as it can give him further justification in his mind for absuing you further. Only counselling solely for you is an option.

AboardtheAxiom's thread re EA and controlling abuse behaviours her ex displayed is infomative.

You can only help your own self here and your only real option long term is to get out of this abusive relationship. You and any children you have will be profoundly affected by his control; he will start on them too given time. You mean nothing to him, you are but a possession to him. He has made for you a gilded cage of his own making but you have also allowed yourself to be controlled.

i used to get the sex thing too and the cold shoulder/emotional blackmail if i didn't want to. and he used to check laundry basket to see if i'd worn 'his' knickers. they really are w***s aren't they?

Just a quick one, I haven't read all the messages, to say your marraige sounds so much like mine! I realised, like you, what was going on and started to detach, I stood up to him once and he picked up on the change and next thing I know his behaviour escalated quite dramatically (I won't go into detail as I don't want to be identified).

Now we're not living together (4weeks on) already I find myself able to do things without looking over my shoulder everytime, sometimes, but not everytime. I thought I'd be miserable and useless by myself, but that is so far from the truth!

Just wanted to let you know that there is yet another person in your situation, that there is hope (I hope), and that you're not going mad :-) But also to be careful!

I just want to post quickly to say I am reading these messages, just that I've got a bit behind with christmas etc and don't really have time to read them all in one go as DS is here. I am reading through the thread slowly and WILL come back to update and respond to all who have helped.

Thanks xx

I can relate to SO much of this. Luckily I have now left my 'controller'.

But the going to bed at different times causing trouble, eating when HE is not hungry being greedy etc is all the sign of a man who does not fully grasp that you are a SEPARATE human being. You are hungry? But he isn't hungry. That is very confusing to him. Bleep. Malfunction. If you eat when he's not hungry, that has to be 'greed' doesn't it??

Coolbeans says something very important. Before you can really change things you need to understand why you put up with it. In my case I came to realise that I was so concerned with presenting an outward appearance of normality and conformity, that I'd allowed myself to live a miserable life. But hey! nobody knew I was miserable!! they all thought I was happy!!!! Once I figured this out, I left. There were lots of 'smell the coffee' moments. one of them was when he wouldn't let me choose a saucepan. (I did all the cooking). My x was physically aggressive too, so I realise that not everybody's situation is so irredeemable but my x became aggressive over a period of time when he could no longer control me.

Havent read teh whole thread, but just wanted to say, your h sounds like mine.
Mine progressed very quickly to violence if I "defied" him, it was impossible to make it work, and we split. It is so wonderful not being controlled any more!!
Good luck with dealing with your situation.

ps, one thing I wish I'd figured out sooner, was the pointlessness of trying to reason with my x.

If I decided to get the bus somewhere, he'd go on and on about how the train was quicker. ANd I'd say, yes but, the bus is warmer, and I want to see the route it takes, so I can drive there, and I like the bus and the bus drops me nearer where I'm going to go, and the bus is a bit cheaper, and I just LIKE the bus....

He'd just counter that instantly, the bus isn't warmer, it's only 20p cheaper, i'll give you 20p ffs, it doesn't leave you nearer, and even if it did, you have to stand at the bus stop waiting for ages.

He would TALK me into getting the train rather than the bus. Even though it was MY journey.

I should have just said, I'm getting the bus. I'm getting the bus. I shoud not have bother to justify my decision to get the bus.

But I am still figuring out how to deal with him now he's my X. It gets easier!!!!!!! Half the battle is not giving a f8ck.

This thread has made me feel like a real shit. I've always had a undercurrent of anger towards my Mum that she stayed with my Dad so long (textbook EA, which was getting physical towards the end, but aimed at me and my sister as we weren't as compliant as he'd trained my Mum to be) I hadn't reall thought how hard it must have been for her to know what was 'normal' and what was my Dads controlling behaviour (example if my Mum wouldn't sleep with him, he'd sulk but complain to me about it in front of her. This started when I was 8 or 9. How fucking humilating must that have been? And I shouldn't have had that depth of knowledge either!)

I hope you all manage to get through this. It is better on the other side, miles and miles better - my Mum is a million times happier now than she ever was with him.

serenity, that's awful. that could have been me if I'd stayed. before i left my x, my adequacy as a mother was really being compromised. i couldn't make my x chill out about the children making noise, but I could make my poor daughter sit like a mute statue with various threats and bribes. i am so ashamed of it now. and she was only four. thank god they are allowed to be children now. they're rearranging the furniture around me and the music on the christmas tree is driving me mad! but at least he's not around to tskkks and tut.

We had a weirdly schizophrenic family life. When it was just us and my Mum it was great. When my Dad was home, it was tiptoeing around him to keep him in a good mood. No silly games, no running around. The thing is, it seemed normal, I didn't twig that that wasn't how all families worked until he started to involve me in it and I was old enough to be aware of the outside world (we didn't do playdates, or have outside visitors unless they were my Dad's skeevy mates)

It's kind of scary how many other people are still living like that, but it's good to see that there are also plenty of people who have walked away (and Maggie, your DD was only 4 when you walked away, my Mum didn't go of her own accord, she had to be pushed and I was 16. You did well!) I hope they manage to inspire some of the others on the thread that they can do it too!

serenity, I have just ordered a book by lundy bancroft about helping children get over violence. Not sure if it has stuff about controlling as well.
I only realised how much it had affected my children when we were out of it.

I also had the exerience of thinking it was normal, when with hindsight, it was as crazy as some of the things described on this thread. Had had a fairly bad life up til then, so could not imagine feeling as free and happy as I do today.

We had that double life as well.
also no bookshelves in case he destroyed my books, or curtains (he didnt like curtain rings). Or Christmas dinner (he didnt like festivals). Or toys (he didnt think the children needed them). etc.

nightbynight that book is inside the cover of why does he do that by the same author, and s/he says that all abusives are the same (controllers/ea's/physically abusives) so i would imagine it applys to any of the bastards types of abuses witnessed by dc as well.

QNC, I'm not sure if you're still on your thread because I've skipped the middle pages (sorry).

Some bullies do escalate to worse but many can be ... retrained. Good for you to have spotted it and decided to do something about it!

You need assertiveness. Go to a course if you like that sort of thing; there's always an assertiveness class near you.

To cut a long story short, detached loveliness can work wonders . Respond only to what he says, not what he means by it. Ignoring him will only make him feel insecure (which is probably what's driving his repulsive behaviour) but that doesn't mean you have to play his games. Get used to bigging yourself up, eg "Gosh, look at that ice! Good thing I'm a brilliant driver, hey? [cheeky smile]"

With things like the body butter, you can simply say "Thank you darling, but I'm doing this to keep my skin healthy. Is there any Monster Munch in the cupboard?"

And so on. It takes a bit of practice, but can be quite fun once you get going .

It is a game. Up until now, you've both been playing by his rules. But when you play by different rules, the game has to change one way or another. It can be surprisingly easy!

Don't forget to give him big smiles & thank him for any good stuff he does ... You may want to read up on Transactional Analysis, which is all about the game theory.

Enjoy yourself!!

I haven't read all of the posts, too many! But if it hasn't been mentioned already, I would like to add that being in a controlling relationship affects the children badly.

My father controlled my mum for all of my childhood. It was horrible for me to be in the household not knowing what mood my father would be in when he got home. I was constantly nervous and shy. Scared of being told off. Scared of my father.

I am having counselling because of the childhood difficulties.

So in conclusion, I would always say that I would have had a better childhood living with one parent.

I've just read a few of the posts above now. Serenity, yes, sounds similar to our household. I thought it was normal to feel nervous all of the time. I used to cry myself to sleep for "comfort".

My father always said that we were such good children, he was able to take us anywhere and we would be so well behaved.

No, not well behaved actually...scared.

Oh what a painful thread.

Just want to point out to Forthebest and the OP that, if your partners are telling you that they would do the same as other men who hurt women, then they are making physical threats - just as if they were saying 'get me my tea or I'll punch your teeth out.'

Violence is the only way this will end, unless you live on tiptoes for the rest of your life. Please get out - ime children who live in families like these are inevitably damaged.