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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband spent night with girl at office do last night

113 replies

niceglasses · 19/12/2009 09:35

Am devastated. Our relationship not perfect - feeling my fault. anyone been through this?

OP posts:
BlackYellowRed · 21/12/2009 11:12

How horrible. You must feel so hurt.

sockonmyhead · 21/12/2009 11:15

He clearly is nasty, and selfish, it is him, it is not you, even if he makes you tea or gives more hugs. He is totally at fault and you sound like you're making excuses for him.

I'm sure it does go on and people get on with it, but not long term unless you deal with it now.

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 21/12/2009 11:15

Sorry, but he IS a nasty person. He thinks that he can behave however he likes, and that your feelings don't matter. Hardly loving, is it?

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 21/12/2009 11:16

Oh, and yes maybe it does go on, and people get on with it. But, do you want to be one of those people? That's the crucial point.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 21/12/2009 11:19

If you contact her, speak as if you know they slept together as that way you will find out.

Original poster
niceglasses · 21/12/2009 11:21

No I don't and I wonder is his respect for me so low that he thinks I will just take this.

I've been on prozac off and on for 3 years - I wonder if I am really numb emotionally.

OP posts:
sockonmyhead · 21/12/2009 11:24

oh please stop it, it isn't your fault and you really sound like you think it could be.

is he home? you need to talk to him!

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 21/12/2009 11:25

niceglasses - AD's do make you feel a little detatched, IME. In a way, that's a good thing right now, because it helps you to think clearly. Just try and imagine that it was your sister/friend in your situation. He is not behaving like a loving, supportive husband. You deserve better.

Guad · 21/12/2009 11:26

Well, it does happen sadly and some people do get on with it but there is a difference bewteen someone making a mistake and then trying to rebuild the relationship and someone taking the piss and thinking they can grovel for a few days and that's the end of it.

At the very least they would need to be remorseful and realise the magnitude of what they have done.

I don't know the answer. I have moved on from dh cheating very early on in the relationship but that took a long time and life certainly did not resume as normal then. I don't know what I would do now years later and after dcs.

You need some space to think. You can't do that with him pottering about and I would probably tell him to go and stay somewhere else for a couple of days. It's hard with the time of year but I hope you can find some time to yourself to think clearly.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 11:26

I agree with chickens

yes, in some relationships one of the partners sleeps around outside of the marriage

or both of them do

is that the type of marriage you have negotiated ?

is that the type of marriage you want ?

Because I'm sorry love, but this is the type of marriage you will get if you let this go

why are you carrying on as normal ? This is sending a very clear message to him that you are complicit with him having sex with other people

so he will carry on

what an utterly horrible piece of work he sounds. He didn't like her but would have given her a length if he'd been capable ?

he wouldn't be spending Xmas in my house, that is for sure

bintofbohemia · 21/12/2009 11:32

You deserve so much more than this niceglasses. I really hope that you believe us all when we say that, and that it isn't your fault.

itwascertainlyasurprise · 21/12/2009 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ladylush · 21/12/2009 11:41

niceglasses - agree with the others that this is NOT your fault. If your h was the depressed one, would you think it ok to sleep around? As isolating as depression is (for the sufferer as well as the spouse)it's important to find ways to reconnect with each other emotionally - for the benefit of the kids as well. Your h should have been suggesting counselling or other types of therapy, not checking into a hotel with another woman. Either he loves you and wants things to work, or he is doesn't - in which case he needs to do the decent thing and leave. Your self-esteem may be low but tolerating infidelity will crush it further. My h was unfaithful once and I made it very clear that if he ever did it again there would be no us. Your h has cheated before - I guess you have to assess what your limits are. In any case, a totally shit thing to have to deal with so close to Christmas

2kidzandi · 21/12/2009 11:42

Well I think his candid remark that he would have slept with her is actually a good thing (hear me out!) although very painful to hear obviously. You shouldn't be afraid to hear the truth because only by speaking the truth can you stand any chance of saving the relationship and working out this mess. If he is actually saying to you that he would have slept with someone else he doesn't even like, then you have (have had) serious on-going issues in your relationship. Something has been going on with you both and you've not been addressing it.

Yes he is acting like a selfish bastard, but in fairness judging by your response now, you have been allowing him to act like one for a while. He hasn't suddenly become a egotistical, cheating, selfish git overnight has he? He clearly knew that he wouldn't have to face serious music when he got home, and he hasn't. Rather than what he said you should be worried that he felt unafraid to say it to you.

You need to work out what you want and where you think things have gone wrong and then have a serious, serious conversation with him and speak really honestly. Be prepared to hear some painful stuff, but it's the only way forward.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 13:03

yes, 2kidz

I suppose he has done her a "favour" by saying he didn't shaft her but only because he was pissed...

because now she knows what she is dealing with

unfortunately, she doesn't appear to be "dealing" or in fact to be doing anything much at all about it

OP, you sound very passive, I am so sorry you seem so frozen

are you frightened to "lose" him ? Because I really believe he would be better off staying "lost", unless you are prepared to tolerate an open marriage

Heqet · 21/12/2009 13:09

It's not your fault.

However - if you just accept this and let it go then you have paved the way for him to go out and do it again. And more.

you're being too nice about it. Don't you see that to him, that means that he can do what he likes, come home to you and you will accept it?

If you are happy to have him have sex with other women, then fair enough, but if not - what are you going to do about it?

He's told you that he has betrayed you, and you are, basically, "ok dear, hope you had a nice time."

I feel so sorry for you. I do know how you're feeling. I truly do. But I also know that unless you strap on a pair, things are going to get very bad for you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 21/12/2009 13:34

Ok, what would you do in his shoes? You come home and your wife confronts you about a hotel receipt for the night before. If you really hadn't had sex with someone else, would you admit that you had - and then head off to bed? Or would you say straight away, I know how this looks, but honestly, I didn't have sex with her?

He's obviously spent that "sleeping time" cooking up an ever more ludicrous story, laced with a bit of "honesty" (I would have slept with her if I'd been capable) so that when the truth does come out, the shock won't be as great. Once again, this man is following that script of only admitting to what you can prove; that he spent the night in a hotel with a woman.

I'm so sorry you can't be tougher Nice - all the advice on here about getting angry is completely sound. It's horrible having to confront this situation before Christmas, but confront it you must, if you are to ever have any hope of keeping some self-esteem.

Nice, you must know he is lying - really, don't you? He probably cannot believe his luck pulling the wool over your eyes like this. This just gives him a passport to further lies and deceit. Do you really want that for yourself?

A short sharp shock is what's needed to kick this sorry excuse for a man out of his delusion that he is entitled to do this.

Please don't accept this - it is not your fault, but letting him carry on as though nothing happened will be your fault. You're worth more than that, Nice Glasses!

Original poster
niceglasses · 21/12/2009 13:44

I emailed her and him (I also tried to ring her on Sat when I first found out). She says they didn't sleep together either & that there is no affair. I know there is no guarantee this is true either. I was banking on, if they did sleep together, she would be angered by him denying it.

Frozen? Passive? Maybe. But also numb. I will get there - I just take my time.

I feel more crushed and hurt than angry.

Frightened of losing him? Thats part of it I suppose. But its more complicated than that -I have 3 kids.

I won't accept it, but I need space to work it out.

OP posts:
Heqet · 21/12/2009 13:50

But he needs to know that you are taking your time to work out what you want.

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 21/12/2009 13:53

niceglasses - Of course it's complicated. I hope that you realise that the more strident posts are because people are angry on your behalf. No one wants to make you feel worse, honestly. You're probably still in shock. Let yourself have time to work out what you want, but please don't let this go. If you do, I suspect that you're only deferring the heartache

Original poster
niceglasses · 21/12/2009 13:56

I know, and I'm grateful. I do tend to be too nice - hence the name. But I can be feisty too. Even he said he thought I would be throwing things at him.

Shite, what a mess.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 21/12/2009 13:58

Ok, well now is the time to think about you and what you want. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. Concentrate on working out what you want to happen, and how you can make it happen.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 13:59

give him space, he will do it again

except this time he will actually do the deed (not that I believe he didn't this time )

I know I sound strident (thanks for that chickens ), but I truly have put a lid on my utter outrage for you and my utter disbelief that anyone could tolerate this

and btw, you gave him time to contact this girl, so that they could get their stories straight, don't believe a word either of them say

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2009 14:01

I don't believe you should throw things at him

but I think you should make him leave your home and stay well away until you have made your mind up what to do

continuing to play happy families is not the answer, why should you let him off the hook ?

honestly love, get a bit of self-respect

RainRainGoAway · 21/12/2009 14:08

Niceglasses.
I have friends, and family, who have got through things like this relatively unscathed and even with their relationships stronger.
So, if you love him, he is otherwise a good man I would talk to him about maybe getting some counselling, and him taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions.
Massive hug (in a NM kind of way)