Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this controlling or am I in the wrong?

76 replies

QwikNameChange · 18/12/2009 23:31

Soz 4 name change, got to be quick.

DP was working until 8pm tonight. So I spend all day looking forward to seeing him.

He gets in at 9.45 and tells me I need to help him get shopping out of the car. Ok, dressing gown, slippers, thick snow, freezing temperatures ... but I agree.

5 minutes later, he looks in the cupboard and says "hmm, you've had two buns today?" I say "no, I've had one, DS also had one" he then kicks off saying I was in wrong for giving DS one and this is why nothing ever lasts.

It worries me however that he knew exactly how many buns were in the cupboard to know one had been eaten.

He then kicked off because the washing up hadn't been done.

He then kicked off because there was a bit of drinking chocolate on the floor (which I hadn't noticed). He then kicked off because I hadn't fed the cats (and then because I fed them too much).

He then went off on a tirade: "I come in from work, the house is a shit hole. washing up not done, crap all over the floor, sod all has been done ... "

I felt about 5 years old

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 18/12/2009 23:33

Oh my God, he is a fuckwit.

Has he ever been like this before?

YANBU at all!

nigglewiggle · 18/12/2009 23:33

Doesn't sound like a good way to carry on. Is he often like this, or is he a bit stressed?

Original poster
QwikNameChange · 18/12/2009 23:35

its steadily getting worse. He's constantly having a go at me about stuff and then makes out its because I'm "greedy" or "lazy" etc.

After he'd had a go, he tried to put his arm around me as if he thought I'd just forget it but its happening too often.

OP posts:
MerryXmasMrsHenry · 18/12/2009 23:35

Ditto the other posters. Except to say that if you've been at home all day and haven't done the washing-up, I think it's fair enough for him to at least wonder why.

Original poster
QwikNameChange · 18/12/2009 23:38

Most of it had been done. We have a rota where each person in the house has their turn. This morning DP said to me "I have no idea who's turn it is to wash up"

So I did most of it and just left the 4 dinner plates until we could work out who's turn it was. He now insists that he told me this morning it was DS's turn but he didn't.

He's always saying stuff that isn't true. Stuff that makes me doubt myself. Like "I told you the door was unlocked, you should have locked it" when I know full well he didn't

OP posts:
almondfinger · 18/12/2009 23:45

Odd, odd, odd. You left 4 dinner plates rather then just wash them with the rest? You have a rota? Are you flatmates or a family? He sounds like a controlling bully. Will your sprouts be counted out on Christmas day?

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 18/12/2009 23:47

Okay, you need to nip this in the bud before it becomes a real problem. Sit him down one evening with a glass of wine. You need to agree rules for how you're going to communicate, so that both of you get the chance to air your grievances. One very artificial (but blooming effective) method is the 'hankie' method - you have a hankie or some other object, and basically whoever is holding it must speak, while the other listens. This works well alongside 'reflecting back' - where the listener reflects back what they think the speaker was saying. The speaker can correct them until it's clear that the listener has understood them correctly. Basically, the listener is forced to listen properly to their partner.

You can introduce this by saying that you think you've both been very stressed and are not communicating as well as you used to; you'd like to nip things in the bud before they get worse. Tell him you've heard of a couple of ways to enable you both to ensure you hear and understand each other so that you can work together to build a positive solution. Tell him the two approaches, and say that you know they're rather artificial and stilted but that you have it on good advice that they work, so why don't you just give them a try and see whether they work for you?, etc.

Before you start, another crucial ground rule is not to say things like 'you always' or 'you never' or anything that's an accusation. You both need to describe each other's behaviour in factual terms and then describe the effect it has on you, e.g. 'I feel that you tend to overlook the things I do around the house. When you do that it makes me feel irrelevant.'

This whole approach is MUCH more effective than venting your spleen, as it means you can often maintain a fairly calm convo and hear each other - you're feeling crap at the mo but for all you know you may have done things which have unwittingly hurt him as well.

Good luck!

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 18/12/2009 23:49

Qwik - are you a SAHM? Or were you at home all day? If yes, I think the 4 plates thing is rather petty - I don't understand why you left them. If you were at home all day and I came home from work to find 4 plates after our washing-up convo, I'd think you were being petty and playing silly games.

jasper · 18/12/2009 23:57

WAS the house a mess? He worked late then did the shopping, not getting in till 9.45?

Honestly, was the house a mess?

I only work till 6 and it pisses me off that the house is a mess when dh has been home all day.

I am far to polite to mention it though, but it is a real issue for me and one I will need to address soon without causing hurt / a row.

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2009 00:01

do you have money trouble? he sounds worried about food being used quickly

do you work?

ChippingIn · 19/12/2009 06:03

He sounds scary to be honest. There's no way I could live with someone who kicks off like this and 'kicks off' over a bun being eaten. He needs help. Are you scared of him?

bloss · 19/12/2009 07:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster
QwikNameChange · 19/12/2009 09:42

He does the shopping because he won't "let" me do the shopping as apparantly I always buy the wrong stuff.

He wasn't at work that long, he'd started at 11am.

He puts the stuff away because he likes to. If I help, I do it "wrong". He likes to be in complete control of it all.

Now, before he got in I'd washed, dried and ironed the vast majority of his clothes. I spent an hour tidying the living room and kitchen, put the crimbo lights on and lit the fire to make it cosy for when he got in and the first thing he notices is that one extra muffin had been eaten from the cupboard???

The washing up saga is a minefield because if I wash all the plates, he has a go at me about letting DS "get away" with not doing the washing up. I wouldn't have done the right thing there no matter what I'd washed.

Nothing I do is ever right. He'll always find something to complain about.

OP posts:
Original poster
QwikNameChange · 19/12/2009 09:45

Oh, and apparantly I'm "greedy" for eating more than one packet of crisps in a day.

Better not mention the fact that he did the very same thing yesterday! He drinks all the orange juice, eats all the cereal, uses up all the milk/cola etc but I'm not "allowed" more than one packet of crisps a day? despite paying half towards the groceries etc??

He's a complete control freak. I'm sick of him treating me like a child.

OP posts:
jeni7 · 19/12/2009 09:45

Hang on a minute.... presumably she's been at home all day looking after their son and running the home aswell. That's hard work too you know..

Quiknamechange, you say he often says things that you know aren't true, and are designed to make you doubt your own competence.

Please google the freedom programme, and look at the tactics of the headworker. I really think it could help you to understand what is going on.

Original poster
QwikNameChange · 19/12/2009 09:49

No he doesn't think about that Jeni. The piles of ironing, the school run, cooking of dinner, the cleaning, polishing, hoovering etc...yeah there was a bit of mess on the kitchen floor, something that had been there so long that I didn't even know about it until I heard him kicking off. It must have been done by DS literally right before DP got in.

Will google that. Thanks

OP posts:
DONTtouchMUMSfestiveJUICE · 19/12/2009 10:10

"He wasn't at work that long, he'd started at 11am."

so... 11am till 8pm... a 9hr shift.. yes... i completely agree thats just a small shift

i agree with bloss. although we dont have more info.. you did ask if we thought you were wrong or he was controlling.

have you put on alot of weight since you met... become obese or danger to your own health?

not having a go... just trying to see if there could be other reasons behind his attitude towards food in the house.

i also ditto the money remark? is that where the food issue comes from?

Original poster
QwikNameChange · 19/12/2009 10:54

Well yeah, he's so worried about money that he went out and bought a takeaway last night. This is the issue ... he can eat whatever he wants (despite him having weight issues) but I can't, I pretty much have to ask permision for anything I eat, despite having NO weight issues (yes, before anyone says it, I did post about wanting to lose a stone in the new year but I am actually within my healthy BMI rate, I just WANT to lose a stone, I don't NEED to).

And no, 9 hours isn't a small shift but its not exactly a piece of cake running a house with a 9 year old ADHD boy either from 7am until 10pm.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 19/12/2009 11:03

Yes, this is controlling. You know it is.

What a weird thread - all these women telling you you deserve to be treated like a bold child because you ARE a lazy, greedy woman for not conforming to your husband's standards.

Even if you were sat around on your fat arse all day eating muffins and bags of crisps it is still not his place to tell you what you can and can't eat and what housework you should have done.

JodieO · 19/12/2009 11:08

I had this for years from exh, it got worse and worse. He was emotionally abusive and then physically, it built up and eventually it came to the last straw when he had his hands round my neck one night followed by me in another room trying to stop him getting in to get at me. I had bruises all up and down my arms and side etc. That was it and I threw him out. 3 dcs too and been divorced over a year (togethr for 10 years) and my only regret is not doing it sooner.

He was always putting me down, calling me names, lazy bitch, stupid, noone else would want me etc. Well, he was wrong and I'm now very happily engaged to a man who treats me like a princess and who loves the children and is wonderful with them.

I hope things don't get any worse for you but I wouldn't put up with that from anyone anymore, ever.

TotalChaos · 19/12/2009 11:09

agree with skidoodle. is he your DS's dad out of interest? was expecting you to have a much older child the way you described your partner moaning about your DS not doing washing up etc.

EcoMouse · 19/12/2009 11:13

Very controlling and possibly OCD.

You are an adult! He needs to show you some respect.

How you pass your day and what you eat are entirely up to you, your choices. If those choices impacted on him negatively, he might have a right to discuss it with you but he isn't. He's collecting a fine set of unfounded sticks to beat you with and beat you down. Nasty!

Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2009 11:14

Mm, I don't think that's what they were doing exactly; they were challenging the OP to go into it deeper and explain what is going on. On the face of the first post she COULD have been a fat, lazy etc. And I dare say that's the way her H looks at things! On further enquiry, she sounds rather different and HE sounds like a controlling arse.

The third scenario is that this could just be two tired, stressed people needing to step back, communicate and learn each other's point of view. I'm sure most of us know the kind of man who thinks the Sock Fairy did all the tidying whilst the wife is the one who left out the one thing that hasn't been put away. Sometimes they can be taught.

skidoodle · 19/12/2009 11:21

So fat, lazy women deserve to be treated like naughty children by their husbands?

Have I unwittingly stumbled onto misogynynet?

We have one woman here suggesting that she was in the wrong to be in her pyjamas in her own home late in the evening! But that it was entirely reasonable on a freezing cold and snowy night for her husband to insist she go outside in that state of undress to help him unload the shopping?

Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2009 11:44

Skidoodle, calm down, you know us better than that! The OP has asked whether she may be in the wrong. Some posters have effectively said, well, are you? And she has given details which explains that she is not wrong at all. Like good counsellors, we have helped her find her own answer.

As a fat, lazy woman myself, no I'd hate to be treated like a naughty child, but I do have an advanced guilt complex that would let me know if the poor bugger was working all the hours God sends, doing all the shopping etc, and coming home to find me slobbing happily in PJs having done stuff-all all day. Such a woman would be sucking the life out of her man and he would perhaps not be too unreasonable to kick off at times. In reality, it sounds as if the OP is working very hard to keep the household running - and paying half the costs of the food she isn't "allowed" to eat () - whilst the H just doesn't see it, he just sees his own tiredness and some cocoa powder on the floor. He needs a good wake-up call at best.