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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this controlling or am I in the wrong?

76 replies

QwikNameChange · 18/12/2009 23:31

Soz 4 name change, got to be quick.

DP was working until 8pm tonight. So I spend all day looking forward to seeing him.

He gets in at 9.45 and tells me I need to help him get shopping out of the car. Ok, dressing gown, slippers, thick snow, freezing temperatures ... but I agree.

5 minutes later, he looks in the cupboard and says "hmm, you've had two buns today?" I say "no, I've had one, DS also had one" he then kicks off saying I was in wrong for giving DS one and this is why nothing ever lasts.

It worries me however that he knew exactly how many buns were in the cupboard to know one had been eaten.

He then kicked off because the washing up hadn't been done.

He then kicked off because there was a bit of drinking chocolate on the floor (which I hadn't noticed). He then kicked off because I hadn't fed the cats (and then because I fed them too much).

He then went off on a tirade: "I come in from work, the house is a shit hole. washing up not done, crap all over the floor, sod all has been done ... "

I felt about 5 years old

OP posts:
MaggieAnFiaRua · 19/12/2009 11:46

he sounds like an arse. my x was like this.

PrincessToadstool · 19/12/2009 11:46

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PrincessToadstool · 19/12/2009 11:47

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steamedxmaspudding · 19/12/2009 12:14

He's always saying stuff that isn't true. Stuff that makes me doubt myself. Like "I told you the door was unlocked, you should have locked it" when I know full well he didn't"

Sorry, but to me that's a worrying sign. He sounds very manipulative.

And as for not letting you do things because you do them the "wrong" way - wtf? Is he quite anal about things generally?

MaggieAnFiaRua · 19/12/2009 12:46

I was only 'allowed' be hungry at the same time as my x was hungry. If i was hungry when he wasn't hungry, i was greedy.

I am 9 stone, so hardly fat.

If I said at 4pm 'i need to go to the shops and get some stuff for dinner, he'd criticise me for not having done it the day before when he wasn't around, he'd refuse to look after the children, then when the 3 of us got back with the shopping, he moan about how much i'd spent. when i'd cooked it, he'd tell me i didn't make it right.

queenofdenial2009 · 19/12/2009 13:42

Another one who was very familiar with always being in the wrong, but strangely also responsible for everything.

How often is he like this? Do you have cycles where things are better? Does he blames his outbursts on stress/work/money worries/you?

We should be on commission, but I would recommend Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That'. It will really help you answer some of those questions.

I'm sure your behaviour isn't 100% perfect, but regardless his behaviour sounds controlling and the atmosphere sounds very tense.

dittany · 19/12/2009 13:59

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peacocks · 19/12/2009 14:03

The buns thing is weird but..

I've been out all day with the children and nothing has been done by my dh, not a plate washed, not a thing put away, absolutely nothing. I'm guessing I would be advised to tell him it's unacceptable?

So, his annoyance is understandable but his style is unnecessary. However if it's always the same then his annoyance is very understandable.

peacocks · 19/12/2009 14:04

Oh hang on.. but you were looking after your child. So different.

peacocks · 19/12/2009 14:09

However I wouldn't say he was an arse, or a fuckwit, or has OCD. He thinks there's a sharing out of roles, he's done his, you haven't done yours.

If there are other instances and this is a routine he falls into, then you'll never "get anything right" as your self esteem will be knocked again and again and it drains you in a terrible way.

peacocks · 19/12/2009 14:17

I don't know, it's hard to decide because the comparison between our situations right at that moment struck me and I was considering whether to say anything.

I haven't now because I don't want to be controlling

dittany · 19/12/2009 14:22

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dittany · 19/12/2009 14:23

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peacocks · 19/12/2009 14:29

Yes, I did miss that, I apologise. Too quick to post.

Divatheshopaholic · 19/12/2009 14:42

sounds controlling and weird in many way. agree that bun thing is weirdest thing i ever heard, dh certainly dnt know how mnay buns or crisps int his house.
i would seek counselling and if not any better it will be classed as emotional abuse

Janos · 19/12/2009 15:05

I would say, OP, from what you describe that he certainly has controlling tendencies.

Looking after a young child with ADHD all day is hardly equal to sitting round doing nothing.

And just what is wrong with sitting round in your PJs at nearly 10pm?

snowkitten · 19/12/2009 16:19

i too am aghast at the amount of posters who are leaping down your throat namachange! No one deserves to be spoken to like this. He is a controlling bully and yu should tell him of eff off

MaggieAnFiaRua · 19/12/2009 16:42

absolutely Dittany, that is how my x regarded me: as an incompetent employee.

Maize · 19/12/2009 17:08

I am so shocked at how people have responded to this thread.

Apparently fat pj clad women deserve to be spoken to like shit

He is being controlling and in a very worrying way, undermining you so you lose the sense of yourself. I think you need to have as serious conversation about this and try to put a stop to this. If he continues I would personally consider if this relationship is right, he seems very controlling and borderline abusive IMO.

Oh and I am both fat and lazy and my husband always brings in the shopping for me without expecting anything in return, because he is a NICE PERSON not because of my fat laziness.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 19/12/2009 17:11

me too. i don't care if she sat in a chair all day eating pringles form the tube. he shouldn't talk to her like she is the cleaner.

anyway, that's NOT what she did, she was scurrying around doing laundry and trying to make the house cosy and christmassy.

Janos · 19/12/2009 19:26

"me too. i don't care if she sat in a chair all day eating pringles form the tube. he shouldn't talk to her like she is the cleaner."

Too right.

I can't help wondering if there's a timeslip happened on MN recently and we've gone back to the 1950s?

GrendelsMum · 19/12/2009 19:33

Mmm - this is obviously not entrirely reasonable behaviour from him, but to be honest, if my DH came home and said all this, I would read it as "I have had a shit day, I am hungry, I have spent the last half hour planning to eat a muffin, there is no muffin left in the cupboard, I am hungry." I think the question is whether he's often like this, rather than whether this has happened as a one off. I agree with whoever said that the two of you need to have a proper conversation about your roles.

I can't be the only person who's become unreasonably upset after a day at work because they have planned to eat a cake that turns out (perfectly properly) to have been finished by their partner and their DCs?

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/12/2009 19:34

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snowkitten · 19/12/2009 20:17

he is nothing but a control freak and he should be put in his place.

giveitago · 19/12/2009 22:46

All sounds a bit contractual - you have a rota - is this so you ds can contribute and you leave dishes until you can remember who was on the rota that day.

I've never come across this - is it normal?

Well I say to your dh - piss off - it's great to be in your pjs at that time - you're not meant to be dressed and ready for action 24/7 surely?