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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this controlling or am I in the wrong?

76 replies

QwikNameChange · 18/12/2009 23:31

Soz 4 name change, got to be quick.

DP was working until 8pm tonight. So I spend all day looking forward to seeing him.

He gets in at 9.45 and tells me I need to help him get shopping out of the car. Ok, dressing gown, slippers, thick snow, freezing temperatures ... but I agree.

5 minutes later, he looks in the cupboard and says "hmm, you've had two buns today?" I say "no, I've had one, DS also had one" he then kicks off saying I was in wrong for giving DS one and this is why nothing ever lasts.

It worries me however that he knew exactly how many buns were in the cupboard to know one had been eaten.

He then kicked off because the washing up hadn't been done.

He then kicked off because there was a bit of drinking chocolate on the floor (which I hadn't noticed). He then kicked off because I hadn't fed the cats (and then because I fed them too much).

He then went off on a tirade: "I come in from work, the house is a shit hole. washing up not done, crap all over the floor, sod all has been done ... "

I felt about 5 years old

OP posts:
snowkitten · 20/12/2009 09:20

hear he3ar giveitago. She is being controlled in an unacceptable way - and I should know...

sowhatis · 20/12/2009 09:33

he sounds like a control freak. talk to him ASAP - this needs to change - or you need to stand up to him and tell him how it is before it becomes a horrible pattern and he realises he CAN treat you this way.

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 20/12/2009 15:06

Although I agree that the OP's husband has been behaving unacceptably, we don't actually know what his perspective is, do we? Is she exaggerating/ painting herself in a better light on this thread? For example she says she has her 9 year old ADHD son alone at home all day from 7-10pm - does he not go to school, then?

We have no way of knowing exactly what's going on here without the OP's husband posting himself, and yet I am reading a lot of posts here where people are making the deadly mistake of assuming that the OP's situation is just like their own past unpleasant relationships. Yes, there are men who just want to control their women, but there are also relationships in which both partners aggravate each other and we simply don't know which of the two the OP is experiencing.

I've often read complaints from dads on MN saying that women on here jump to the defence of other women, slagging off DPs who they don't know based purely on the woman's self-reporting of problems in their relationship. This is turning into such a thread when a more balanced approach would be more helpful for the OP.

GrendelsMum · 20/12/2009 16:09

Thinking this over a bit more, I wonder if you do an awful lot for the family, but that you and your DH don't do so much specifically to help each other any more, and your DH is perhaps missing this.

The reason I'm saying this is because you'd clearly had a busy day with the children, and felt that you had done your fair share of work for the family. When your DH came home, though, I can see that he might have felt that you were happy for him to go to the shops on his own, for him to carry the shopping into the house through the snow on his own, to have eaten all the buns rather than putting half aside for him. That is, he might feel that you were doing a lot for the kids, yes, but that you weren't thinking about helping him, whereas you are thinking that if you're doing things for the family as a whole, that's the same as helping him personally.

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 20/12/2009 17:41

Grendel - good post. I've also just read your previous post re cake (well, that's all a muffin is, right? ). In our household cake is worth diamonds. I sympathise with you. Do you now keep a secret stock for emergencies?

Tortington · 20/12/2009 17:50

i;d tell him to go fuck himself tbh

tha;ts as helpful as i'd want to be in your situation

dittany · 20/12/2009 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrendelsMum · 20/12/2009 19:24

Mmm - I would have to agree that in our house, ironing clothes certainly counts as doing a favour for the other person. You're right there.

I think the problem (as Merry says) with all posts is that you get such a tiny snapshot of a relationship, and we all tend to interpret it through the prism of our own relationship. And as CrazyDiamond says, there's a big difference between 'kicks off' = having a bit of a moan, and then giving you a hug, and 'kicks off' = screaming and swearing at you, punching the wall, and then giving you a hug.

So DH does all the food shopping in our house - and before he does it, he goes through the cupboards to check what we need, so yes, he does always buy the right stuff (whereas I buy the wrong stuff because I don't do the shopping regularly and don't really know what we need and what we usually get), and he would certainly have checked to see how much cake we had.

I ALWAYS know how much cake we have in the house. But I quite like the idea of holding secret stocks for me alone...

dittany · 20/12/2009 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 20/12/2009 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowkitten · 20/12/2009 22:13

CustyChristalmeth - I agree with you. Tell him to fuck right off and get a life. Wanker. She deserves better even if she left the plates unwashed. Tosser

Tortington · 21/12/2009 00:09

if i am off work and i don't do anything and dh walks in

i say " i couldn'r be fucked today love"

he says "fair enough put kettle on!"

HappyWoman · 21/12/2009 06:25

my h used to be a bit like this at times. When he was overworked and stressed.

He had some time off work - 6 months - and since then it has never been a problem. He could see just how full my life was looking after 4 dc and the house.

During that time we sort of found what we were both good at and tend to stick to our chores.

My h is great at clearing the kitchen and loading dishwasher - but i dont think he knows where the washing machine is.
Most of the time it works well but when it doesnt we try and laugh about it.

It is about finding what you both fell is acceptable - if he prefers a clean kitchen maybe he should do it.

fairyliquid123 · 21/12/2009 19:50

I think the key thing here is if it is a pattern or just a one-off. If it is a pattern of behaviour and one that is possibly getting worse, it is controlling and unacceptable. If it is a one-off it is still unacceptable but not nearly as bad. I can really relate to most of your post, Qwik. The phrase "not allowed", the comments on food consumed, the picking on the 1 thing that hasn't been done when I've been working hard on housework all day. It's all so familiar and I work hard in the house, and I expect you do too, but it is never good enough. Food often goes off in our house because I always ensure his share isn't eaten but he often doesn't eat it. But if someone else eats it just before it goes out of date, there is trouble. I too get comments on eating chocolate and buns (I'm very slim and eat few buns) but also get lots of snidey comments that I eat too healthily. You can't win with some people. Is it a one-off or a pattern? Tha is crucial in terms of how you handle it.

midori1999 · 22/12/2009 21:33

Hmmm...

-the OP is not allowed to do the shopping because she 'gets it wrong'

-she is not allowe dto unpack the shopping because she 'gets it wrong'

-she is called 'greedy' if she eats more than one packet of crisps a day

  • 'has a go' at the op if she does the dishes when he feels it is her sons turn, so much so, that the OP felt obliged to leave four plates unwashed in case it was actually her sons turn to wash them.
  • the op feels she has to 'ask permission' to eat things

I am suprised people wouldn't find that controlling. Personally, I actually find it abusive.

Even if the house was a total shitehole, and the OP was a huge, lardy bint, her DP has no right to comment on what she eats and whilst it might be unreasonable to do nothing all day (which she clearly hasn't!) she is nto his hired help and if he thinks thehous eis untidy he should tidy it himself.

Original poster
QwikNameChange · 23/12/2009 07:41

Thanks for the replies.

Its a hard one to explain because the vast majority of the time he's fine. It's just that I'm finding it to be more and more that he's like this.

For instance, yesterday he was at work. I tidied the bedroom fully for christmas (and it was a pig sty when I started, Mostly DPs stuff all over the floor).

I put some stuff in the shed, tidied the kitchen and living room, hoovered the hallway and stairs, wrapped presents, did a pile of washing, did the ironing, made dinner ... DP comes home and the thing he says is "I wish you would learn to close these kitchen blinds when it gets dark, everyone can see in" (5 mins later) "why is there cat food on the kitchen floor?"

Its not just that, its the skitty comments too.

This morning I made a fried egg sandwich for my breakfast (and asked if he wanted one). He watched me make it with great interest and then said "two eggs?? thats a bit greedy isn't it?"

FFS ... I'm 5.10 and weigh 11 stone, I'm hardly obese and if I want to eat 2 eggs, surely I shouldn't be called greedy for it???

I've also noticed he's trying to make out that I'm thick a lot of the time.

He insisted yesterday that I must have poured boiling hot water in the rabbits bottle for it to bend out of shape and then laughed to himself and said "I bet you're one of these people that would pour boiling hot water onto iced up windows!"

OP posts:
snowkitten · 23/12/2009 11:23

quik - he is mad as a hatter! He is controlling you and you must not allow it

Fibilou · 23/12/2009 11:34

I think you need to start making the same sort of comments to him and see how he likes it. Especially if he is a bit porky, considering you most definitely aren't.

TillyMintSpy · 23/12/2009 11:40

Is he a Virgo?

Surely he has always been like this, or has he had a personality change, or has it just got much worse?

DrunkenDaisy · 23/12/2009 11:53

What a twat. What do you say to him when he says stuff like that? if anyone dared speak to me like that they'd fucking regret it.

cestlavielife · 23/12/2009 12:21

ouch .
exactly the comments/behaviour i used to get from my ex. he woudl pick up on tiny things missing the big picture...calling me up on not stacking the dishwasher correctly etc..."you cannot eat that birthday cake you are overweight" (yes a size 14...) etcetc...

i suggest you read lundy bancroft why does he do that and see if you recognize any more controlling behaviours...then decide what to do about it...

Original poster
QwikNameChange · 23/12/2009 14:11

It's just gotten worse, I've only just realised that what he's doing is out of order.

If I say ANYTHING about his weight, he goes off in a major strop.

If I question his food, he goes off in a mood and says he'll eat what he wants.

When he does these things, up until now I've just sat quietly and let it go. Thats going to change, infact to be honest, I've kind of decided that I've had enough anyway and in the new year I think I'll look for somewhere else to live. Just the thought of being able to make my own decisions seems like bliss to me right now and it shouldn't, its just normality.

OP posts:
Fibilou · 23/12/2009 14:22

I just think it's extraordinary that he thinks he can monitor your every mouthful but you can't do the same. Maybe you should point this out.

DrunkenDaisy · 23/12/2009 14:49

Why would either of you do it to eachother??

violet101 · 23/12/2009 15:05

I've replied on another of your threads - but yes he is being controlling. My stb ex started out in exactly the same way. I was lazy, house was a tip....

Whether I've worked part time or full time - the house is pretty much the same, basically clean with that family lived in look - it can be spic and span or full of dog hair and mud....... the house will always be a tip and I will always be lazy. I was once set on because I hadn't wound up the garden hose after using it (at 10pm at night after bonfire night!)

He won't change and you won't be able to, nor will anything you do change how he thinks and feels.

Sorry to be the voice of doom on your threads but you are following a pattern i'm just coming out of. On my own.