Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Scorps whenever my DH came around to see the DCs when we were separated, I always made sure I was looking my best ie made up, hair done etc (hard I know when you are heavily pregnant) and I was pleasant and civil to him. To let him know that what he was doing wasn't getting to me (even though it very much was) and I was also a bit mysterious, you know about who I was speaking to, seeing etc - in fact doing to him what he was doing to me. In a way it was a bit childish but it got to him and made him understood that I, too, can and would have a life of my own without him if that makes sense.

So if you can, go home "suited and booted" (well as much as you can) and make out that he is not getting to you.

Good luck. I almost went into battle mode to save my marriage, I thought the DC were worth it and my DH (before he went off the rails) was/is a kind, generous, hardworking, thoughtful man and therefore was also worth fighting for although I didn't treat him like a prize to be won if that makes sense.

I have been wearing make up For 3 days an have dyed my hair last week.

He has been ok; he cried when I cane in but secretly. A friend took me home and hung about for ten minutes. He seems interested in what I have been up to and said I went out, had takeaway.

Our 5 yr old said at tea just now 'daddy you wanted to snuggle up to mummy last night didn't you'. He said no jamie eat your dinner, but how odd! He has done all the house stuff. Don't think he's going out tonight but I want a bath and have a book to read. He touched my leg as well andthen remembered and left the room. Back to oddness but I'm ignoring it; almost laying it here as a diary iyswim.

He has just gone out, to see 'Friend X or Friend Y' both male. I bet he goes to see that female friend (J). Wouldn't you know where you were going? Though these friends do live close to each other less than a mile away, J doesn't (8 miles away).

Wish i didn't care. We have been laughing and chatting tonight.

Also I'm very sorry to say this here, but i really want sex. Not A Good Idea is it? I'll either ask and get turned away (soul destroying!) or he will and really, how much better will it feel??

Oddly, and again sorry, when i came in he said he found my vibrator (i didnt know where it was). WTF?!

Odd, all around.

Don't offer sex now. I know it might not be the same, but could you perhaps use vibrator he mysteriously found / presented instead? Even if he doesn't reject you (which I think he would as he's done it before) - it won't make it better, you'll feel the same tomorrow. Move away from him for now, emotionally and sexually. Let him see you're strong and can stand on your own feet if needed.

I won't ask him. He makes reference to it sometimes too, but i do know in cold light of day its not right to do that.

God. I'm never going to have sex again. Gah.

Of course you are! Just not this week, lol.

Well he did go to male friends house. Chatted with me when he got home, made a cuppa etc. Came to bed, I couldn't sleep, but did eventually. Dd is poorly and he got up about 5 times to see to her. He cuddled up to me in the night unconciously again. Had a lie in this morning too, dozing. Has now gone to tesco to get Xmas dinner things. Made all breakfast etc, being chatty and normal.

I wonder if it's because I'm 'normal' it's easing his guilt etc. Still can't imagine being split up from him and I have to remember that's what he last said.

Oh, my lovely.
I don't know what to say. Well, I do know what I'd like to say, to him, the selfish prick, but that's not going to help anything..

Protect yourself, emotionally AND physically. Do not have sex with him, or even offer it. And agree with peachy and sal about his control issues.

Personally, I'd tell him to flipping go. How dare he keep you hanging on a string like this?? This marriage isn't JUST his to decide what to do with. I know you want to make it work and how know how desperately you lvoe him and want this to be just a bad dream but he's still walking all over you..again..playing with your head and your heart. Be strong sweetheart and start thinking about you and your wellbeing.

Mimi is dancing to cbeebies. I just think how could he?
He is only here as physical practical help for me in such late pg and new baby. Then he says he is going. It's going to be so horrid but yes I have started to put up a shell and to try not to care.

Even if he did a u turn now I really don't know what I'd do. His behaviour is odd isn't it and not like someone who is desperate to go? I don't really know what todays plan is.

oh darling, I only wish I was closer - the advice on here has been fab and you are just fantastic, don't forget that

did you manage to speak to the MW yet?

Yes all the mws know now and I have a CPN and a homestart coming after Xmas.

I don't think he is desperate to go. I think he wants something/someone else but is conflicted about being 'the bad guy'.

I also think that he must love this situation. Well, up to the point where you said ok, fine, I'm going on with my life and don't need you, and now he's feeling sorry for himself! He has a great situation now really - he can go out whenever he wants, can see whoever he wants, because he's said "it's over" with you, so don't have to feel guilty (in his mind - of course he should, the idiot). Yet, it's all nice and civilized and chatty at home, so when he's done gallivanting, he can come "home" for a nice cozy chat. I'm not surprised he's not in that much of a rush to run out the front door permanently today - he's got it all covered really.

Not saying shouting matches would be preferable, of course not, but don't let this confuse you.

You know Scorps when my DH was vacillating between being with me and the DC and being on his own (staying with his mum at the time), I remember that "treading on eggshells" feeling, the "if I upset him or "don't behave myself"" feeling he is going to go off or whatever, I hated the fact that I felt (and he felt probably) that he held the ace card and I remember saying to him during one of our many discussions when he came over to help with the DC saying to him specifically that he was not a prize to be won - the look on his face was a picture (almost shock) as he had literally called all the shots up until that time (and if I am honest manipulated/controlled me etc during the marriage). Passive aggressive type behaviour which the therapist confirmed as well. It shocked DH and he had to face up to the fact that he could be like this as he thought it was me.

I got angry that he was making me feel this way and whereas before I wouldn't have challenged him about it, would have just let the resentment build up, the counselling gave me the strength to do it.

You may find once you start having regular Relate (on your own if he chooses not to go), you will challenge him more, without fear. I think as my DH wasn't actually living with me at the time (and had previously shacked up with OW), I felt I had nothing to lose, he had already upped and gone and now he was deciding whether or not I was worthy to return to (or that's how it felt to me). This made me angry and I confronted him, let him know it was as much about me thinking he was worthy too if that makes sense.

You can probably look back over your marriage and see there were times your H has controlled you/manipulated you in subtle ways. As I said I discussed some of this with the therapist as on the surface they didn't look much or were important but it was subtle controlling eg he would write out cheque stubs and when I asked what the cheque was for he couldn't remember or he didn't have time to discuss that now, I would never confront him on it (secretly seethed inside) and he, in turn, hoped I would forget about it.

Another ramble I'm afraid. Hope you can see what I am trying to say.

He is staying in tonight.

Just spent 20 mins reading through this thread, oh scorps what can I say? Wish there was something that I cold do to help you. No one should be feeling like this when they are about to have a baby. There's such good advice on here, keep posting I'm sure it helps. Thinking of you x

Thanks SK just people knowing is helping. It's just so odd and I KNOW he will go and that day will be the worst of my life. I thought I was married, iyswim, we even used to say to each other thank god for each other as 'look what was out there'.

This thread helps me so much and I check it often.

we're all here Scorps, you just need to shout/ask whatever, we're all here x

Scorps, just wanted to say that I'm still thinking of you.

If he does go then yes, that day may feel like the worst day of your life but in time then you may realise that it was an opportunity for things to change and become more positive for you. That's not to say that if you stay together life will be awful, not at all, because for you to stay together the changes that will need to happen will have to be equally positive just different iyswim. Neither path will be pain free but maybe either could make you and your dc happy is what I think I'm trying to say .

Good luck over Xmas.

Thanks

everything was ok and then this morning he said he ha been meaning to ask for a few days but didn't want to upset me etc - but was i ok about everything still?

Now I don't feel able to cope again. I realise I must still be hanging on

Were you ok about everything still?
what's that supposed to mean??
Tell him to get fucked Steph.

Sorry, that's not helpful.

That is a very, very odd thing for him to have said.