Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

I did say to him just now WTF do you think, I'm 40 weeks pg my husbands doing a runner, I have to spend a fake Xmas with you and in about 2 weeks I'm going to have to cope alone.

He seemed sorry etc, guilty. Now wants to do shitty fucking Xmas stuff together!

Hate him for this. What chance have I got for a life , love, marriage again?

He asked about money he ha to give me when he goes. So still wants to.

I think you were right to answer honestly. Not that his self-flagellation is helpful in any way, but what's the point of lying to make him feel better? Am speechless at the doing Xmas stuff together, about as helpful as a sticking plaster on a compound fracture (sorry if I've used that metaphor before).

If it's not a lover it's a sexuality crisis, is my guess, but only time will tell.

As for you: yes, you definitely definitely will have a life and lots of love one day. That doesn't make it any easier to cope with just now, of course, but worrying about the long-term future is a burden you don't need. You have three lovely children and will soon have a fourth - you are four times blessed - and he, for reasons currently known only to himself, is the one who will be missing out. What a fool.

Scorps, the truth will out in the end.

Pleased you told him exactly how you feel. Why should you make it easy for him - it is entirely his choice. He has an opportunity to do the right thing, go to counselling together and work on your marriage for all your sakes, but he is choosing not to.

I'm with Annie on this one - there is something in the background but all will become clear eventually. It's a pity you can't pack his stuff now (is there any way you can send him on his way now ?).

My sister gave me a fridge magnet when my DH was messing me about "Women don't male fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types". It stays on the fridge as a reminder to my DH as to what a knob he was

Scorp, he is not sorry, his guilt is not enough to stop him from being a complete and utter selfish twat. You do not want him in your life like this. You will look back to this years from now, and think "what an idiot". He has feelings and concerns firstly and almost exclusively for himself, and then others if he can be arsed. I'm with VS. Fuck him.

I wish I could get him to go now; the o ly reason I can't /won't is baby arrival and there is no-one else to move in with me, which would be needed tbh. My family are busy (guesthouse owners), my sisters are busy and young, friends have their own families and dc to be doing this time of year.

Wants to watch an Xmas film together tonight and has been sulking around since earlier.

I keep thinking of my life in one year - what will that be, what will I have been through, seen, done?

My parents won't be here forever either they're moving to France when their house sells.

Well, your reasons are good. Just stay strong and look out for yourself and your children. If all he can do is help with the practicalities, fine, let him work.

One year from now, your life WILL be better than it was. Remember what I told you - 5 minutes, one hour, one week, one month... Slowly but surely happiness sneaks up on you, and you forget to be sad. You grow stronger, happier, more free to be yourself. Time is a wonderful thing, and the human spirit stronger than we ever realise.

I felt like having a little cry earlier and my sisters unexpectedly turned up and took me out for hot chocolate and cake

just what with it being xmas too and the added pg hormones can't be helping can they? Keep seeing couples and families happy everywhere.

He hasn't changed his mind after 3 weeks, it's not gonna change now is it bastard

Oh honey try and focus all your thoughts and energy on the little girl you are about to bring into the world. Remember the joy you will have when you first see her,

He is being a twat of the highest order, it's not fair what he is doing to you it is emotional torture.

You are a young, pretty, strong woman and whatever happens you will survive and cope, your life in not over no matter if it seems like that now.

I saw an 8 week old in the cafe earlier - god knows how he could do this. I don't have much focus on the baby tbh. I smoked a few bits of a fag earlier .

The midwife ( who I think I made cry) said that when dd is born I will hate him more for it all. I hate him now when I look at my dc, but most of all I hate myself to be unlovable to my husband and their father. I'm not worthy enough for any of them.

Stop it, it's not about you. It's him being a moron. You could have been julia Roberts / (insert random name) -exactly the same thing would have happened. He is a bastard, would have been one if you walked around on your hands naked. There is no such thing as being unloveable. There are however men who are worthless. He is one of them.

Scoprs you're not unloveable. You are clearly very well loved, by your kids, by your sisters, by your friends. And you will be loved in the future by someone who is happy and secure enough to make it work.
Please don't even let your mind go down the "it's my fault" route, because it just isn't.

Steph, Sal is right.
He's an arsehole.
You know he is.
We know he is. Your friends and family know he is.
He has treated you like crap over and over and over again.

Now, I'm not saying there isn't a reason behind his behaviour, we've had that discussion before, but his behaviour is that of an arsehole.

This is not about you, and with him as your husband, it never will be. He has issues, and those issues prevent him from giving a shit about anyone but himself. You gave him the chance to deal with those issues when you let his recent cheating go and tried to work on your marriage. He didn't take it, instead he did this to you. Please let him go in your head, he is almost definitely going to be leaving physically, bring down the shutters and think of YOU and your children, both those already here and the daughter yet to come. Don't let him ruin those first precious minutes, days, weeks with your beautiful little girl.

He woke me up alot in the night, trying to have sex with me and kissing me ( I ddnt respond to any). He spent alot of th night touching me and saying how horny he was. Sometimes he thought i was asleep and said things like merry Xmas and when I asked why, he said I'm incredibly horny it's Xmas.... And stuff. I said it would do no good, even though I would really like to make love but I know it's not that iyswim.

He hasn't offered a daylight explanation.

Wanker!!!!
Steph, please make sure he is out of the house when I come down

Just when I think my opinion of him can't go any lower, he triumphs. What a sick mind can do this?!

Well done on you for staying strong, as I know you'd have loved to. I'm proud of you. You should be of yourself too.

Merry Christmas, my lovely, lovely Scorp. May you and your children be blessed with strength and surrounded by the love of good people in years to come.

Just why say one thing and then be like that with me? I don't wanna ask though cos he will say sorry and I'll feel even more shitty.

Baby is due today, it's Xmas day.... Shouldn't I be being fussed and loved?

He has taken boys out on scooters.

I just don't understand - we could work through relate. He is jacking in our marriage and family, our whole lives, for god knows what.

"He woke me up alot in the night, trying to have sex with me" !!

I'm supposed to be on my way to my mums but I had to stop and reply:

So let me see, in his book you're not worthy/good enough to stay and make a go of it with despite being his wife, mother of his children and VERY pregnant etc.

But you are (apparently most fortuitously in the same book) good enough for him to SHAG. So sorry to use that word because I hate it but it's not making love is it? This is all you are now? You're supposed to allow him acess to your body whilst he's divorced you mentally and acting like a selfish pig?

He has become incredibly incredibly self-absorbed and cold to your feelings. Glad you were strong enough to refuse. Must have been tempting to go for a moment of closeness.

Don't let him keep dictating the boundaries to you. After Xmas get him rid and concentrate on your DCs.

Sod!

Scorps, whatever you do, don't let him use your body when it suits him. I know this is incredibly sensitive, so I'm trying not to be too blunt - but for some people, sex can be completely separated from love/feelings etc. He wants to have sex with you because... he wants to have sex. If you said yes, it would be available easily, free, and convenient (already in warm bed etc etc). This does NOT mean he feels anything. It means he wants sex. When done, his feelings would be exactly the same.

You have to try and get your head around this. Can he move to the sofa??? He does not deserve the chance to even touch your body. It makes you hope for something, question what is going on, agonise.

He is being incredibly cruel to allow this to continue. Get him to sleep somewhere else if he can't keep his hands to himself. If he's not going to be there for you, then he needs to give you the opportunity to accept this, and not mess with your head.

Upon reflection I think my post was a bit too blunt. Sorry I was upset on your behalf, but still, I shouldn't have said it so bluntly. Please ignore me. Also how you decide to proceed is up to you!

I hope you can get through these next few days O.K. He really shouldn't be using xmas to take advantage of you like this!

Hoping the best for you!

Sal said "but for some people, sex can be completely separated from love/feelings etc."

I'd say that K had showed previously that he is one of those people, whereas you are not.

Well done for staying strong sweetheart.

I can really see what you're all saying. I'm so scared of having 4dc alone and if I'm honest, not hving sex for a long time and never having a marriage again.

He brought up sex earlier. Said sorry for last night. Said 'it's been a while though'. Err yes you thick twat. You are leavin me.

So scared of him having sex with someone else - he will when he leaves. Cannot imagine anoter woman seeing him naked, seeing him through my eyes. He's beautiful.

I feel so ugly another man will never look at me. I always shoot above my weight anyway and now I will never manage it again.

Scorps, you will deal with these things when you have to. For now, you just have to survive the moment. You do not think of a month from now, you deal with now. If you can cope with that, you deal with today. Then tomorrow. Repeat day by day.

Oh, and of course someone will love you and think you're beautiful again. I'm a size 14, flabby tummy and saggy arse, and my extremely intelligent, kind, funny husband thinks I'm beautiful. He really does, even though I'm not! That is what love does to you. You have actual looks on your side, but even if you were to lose an arm, that would make amsolutely no difference when someone loves you. You become beautiful to them anyway.

Thankyou

my friend says similar to you, that I will get someone one day who loves me and not himself.

Had a little cry

and still pg lol.