Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Thanks

he has a gp appt this morning. Why would he get depressed if he's the one doin the doing, wouldn't you be 'lighter'?

I'm sleeping at my parents house tonight. I have a very lovely friend on labour standby. He can look after the kids - I need to take care of me an bump.

I have so many people right there for me - he has no one. Says alot.

scorps - have posted onthe other thread.

It could be guilt, combined with the fact that he's feeling sorry for himself because you seem able to move on, with family and friends surrounding you, and all of a sudden his plan to push away his number one fan backfires. If so, stuff him, that's his making and his problem and he needs to get a backbone!

If proper depression, that's a medical issue that the gp can help him with - again, you're not his mother, he wants to see how life without you is, so fine - let him sort this himself.

Your family sound amazing btw, no wonder you're such a nice person.

Scorps - just wanted to pass on a hug, I think you're coping well all considering. Hope you get a good nights sleep tonight xx

He has been depressed since the day he left here - crying, sick, upset tummy, odd highs, has started smoking again, talks about dying.

But he will still be seeing the children, i don't get why he is depressed? surely guilt doesn't make you like this?? So odd.

Scorps, don't try to guess what is going on in his head - he is responsible for his actions. FWIW, our therapist said that guilt can lead to suicide - they can't cope with what they have done. My own DH was in a very bad way after he left me and prior to leaving OW and TBH the guilt, the realisation of what he had done etc, really got to him (which is why the therapist told me to be easy on him). But he had to deal with it, change himself, work hard to put the business/finances right etc (you can't talk yourself out of something you have behaved yourself into).

I really think there is something going on here that you don't know about - it's a very strange way to behave. If he feels that way (and there is no one else involved) why doesn't he stay and try and work on the marriage - none of it adds up. He doesn't have to make any long term promises to you - just one day at a time. All very strange.

Hopefully he will carry on going to Relate with you but he has to be totally honest in the sessions.

I don't know if the Relate is still an option - i have hardly been here and don't really wish to engage with him TBH. He has just got in from doctors and spent 'ages' in there apparently. I dont yet know if he has meds or not.

It is all really odd; but i have to listen to what he is saying - that he doesn't love me and wants to leave.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

It sounds to me like you have lost each other like the counsellor says, and I'm not surprised as you're quite young to have 4 DCs.

Depressed people do act oddly. I know from experience and it could be that all of this has been born out of his depression. Perhaps the propositions he got also made him feel something he hasn't felt for a while and that has confused him.

I would like to echo something someone else has said - please go to relate and if you do split up keep going on your own as it will help you to deal with the situation.

This is a really sad situation and I really hope you can work things out.

Do you think he loves you regardless of what he is saying. My DH told me he didn't love me (other than as the mother of DC as he needed to convince himself in order to leave me. I told him I didn't believe him when he kept repeating it. He said when he visited me during the period he was away it tore him to pieces as he had tried to convince himself that he didn't love me but when he saw me he didn't believe it. Your H has probably got an internal conflict going on and needs to talk about it with someone.

My DH knew he loved me and what he was doing was wrong but OW was extremely manipulative (and DH very weak) and couldn't get out of the situation. He was also very depressed which lead to the affair - hadn't quite reached the point of suicide so had an affair as it made him "feel" again. Reached the point of suicide during our separation though.

Now he has said he would have and will tell OW where to go (if ever she makes contact again) as he feels so mentally stronger. He had got himself in a situation and didn't know how to get out of it.

You are doing the right thing by stepping away, making plans and getting on with things. Hopefully it jolt him into making changes. My DH knew I would only wait around for a certain time - everyone has their limits. But I did realise he was mentally ill (for the want of better words) at the time.

Good luck.

I don't know counting, he seems very clear he doesn't love me when he says it. He isn't touching me or contacting me when apart, apart from the times i have said he showered me and cuddled me etc.

The GP said no depression but is apparently highly stressed. He obviously told the GP that we had attended Relate as he said the GP said we must do the space thing that Relate said. Since yesterday he has not said about leaving. He has to go back to the GP in 3 months apparently. He still seems away with the fairies - shoudlnt he be pleased that he is getting what he wants - to leave me?

Haven't told him i'm sleeping out tonight.

He said again yesterday he 'loves me to bits as a person'.

You really need to get communicating properly and he has to be honest. It's silly things - my DH has only just admitted that he couldn't (and still can't to a certain degree) cope with the 4DSs. They are a handful especially with ASD thrown into the mix and he felt ashamed that he felt that way. But it was coping with everything not just the DC but also the business etc. It is one of the things that I have found hardest to come to terms with about his affair - that he was out with OW, shopping, going out etc, whilst I was at home, breaking my heart over him, looking after the DC. He is thoroughly ashamed now about that. He never wanted to be with OW but needed to escape from the family, the DC, business etc.

It is not wrong to feel these things but there are "adult" ways of going about it. We now try and prioritise ourselves and the marriage, try to get out and have fun as a couple. It is hard with 4DC and not managed it for a couple of months and it shows, we are both getting stressed again with the DC, Christmas, sick DC (one after the other) etc. We had a bit of a meltdown yesterday but we called a truse (sp) and stepped back.

It's not easy and men do not like admitting that they are not coping.

Sorry another ramble.

I have come to my parents now for the night. He was upset I was going, said I can rest at home, how long was I going etc.

I just don't get why he appears so down. He wants rid of me! I'm giving us space too, and the better I seem the worse he seems. If I want space he doesn't understand.

What do I do if he still wants relate on 5th? Webhaent really spoken since yesterday morning and not about us at all.

Go to Relate - if all else fails it will help you have a good breakup (if that's not a contradiction in terms). Get your space too - this is a two way street and he needs to understand that. If he is struggling atm it might help concentrate his mind on what life is going to be like without you.

Have you taken the DC with you ?

No he has got them.

He says he feels very lonely, having friends isn't 'the same' apparently. My sister thinks I should attend relate if he asks me too as well - nothing to lose I guess.

I have to not hope the downess he is displaying is a change of heart. I must listen to his words, that's it's over.

It's actions not words Scorps. My DH can talk the talk until the cows come home, it's walking the walk.

You cannot carry on like you have been, in limbo, so carry on with the practical side of things of being on your own. And anyway, you don't want a marriage like it has been over the last few months, you want a better marriage, on equal terms, mutual respect, intimacy etc.

You should attend Relate and if he is willing, with no agenda. My DH initially wasn't going to go to Relate, I booked the first appointment for me alone, but he had a change of heart.

One day at a time, if he is missing you then that is good, absence making the heart grow fonder.

I am just so confused as to why he is being so down - he wants this! He seems so adamant when talking that he is leaving.

His friends are there less and less.

Countingtoten my DH was a bit like that with our biys (4, 2asd,1 probable dyspraxia) but luckily the anti-d's ahve helped with that. He'sben told he's on them for life now,which is a relief for me.

Scorps,I think what he doesn'tlike is you taking back control, I think he has a bit of the control freak about him. he likes to set the terms of the relationship and by leaving you stopped that. Good, he has to face up toyou being a person in your own right, not someone he can messabout and make feel bad. Only the very biggest doormat would ever take that for ever- and you don't seem to be that.

I keep wanting to say forget about him, Scorp, he's bad news, he breaks your heart (not only this once) etc etc, but Counting does talk sense. Your marriage is over, has been for a while really - what you had was not right. However, maybe, just a small maybe, this separation (and it needs to be proper, you have to leave, you can't just take him back if he changes his mind tomorrow) is the catalyst you needed for him to get help and change as a person. Because the way he treats you (emotionally) is not right. People can change, granted, but it would take blood and sweat, not just a change of heart, to make this work. Not impossible, but if it has even the smallest chance to work, I think you need to let him go now. Go on with your life, proof to yourself that you can and will be fine on your own. He might want to come back, and at that stage, you might or might not want him back. Everything needs to be done in the right order and not forced though.

x-post with Peachy, who said it so much better.

Dreading going home. Have to see the kids today though I haven't been there at tea time or ned time for 2 days.

Spoke to him on the phone and he seemed fine, must be cos he had headspace too.

I can't believe he is doing this to us. I need to stop letting his emotions affect me. Had a bad dream last night that he got a girlfriend.

Good luck. When are you going home?

Try and ignore his behaviour for now - never mind what he says etc. You're being civilized anyway, so whether he says he loves you or hates you (which he doesn't, but for example) - for now it doesn't matter. Stick to your plan. For now, you're walking away, if he cries, tough, if he's sick, tough - this is his call right now. If he's lovey lovey - don't worry or think about what that might mean now. For now, rely on your family and friends, let him do the practical things, let him look after the kids most of the time if you can't etc. When you're with them, do nice things, let him do the day-to-day schlepp for these couple of days until baby is there. Don't try and analyse his every move.

You can deal with these issues later and with Relate's help. Try and leave it for now.

Still avoiding it.

It will be lovely being with the kids again, just holding them, smelling them against your skin. Just ignore him, however hard that must be.