Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Gosh, any woman who's able to even contemplate getting back into the saddle less than three weeks after giving birth has my total admiration and undying jealousy.

Lol I think i have sex issues. H and I always had sex quickly after births (not pressured).

Isaw him out the window today. Felt blank. None of the kids wanted to go, but they did.

Yes I think it will pan out as few flings and then something more. If any bloke ever fancies me again.

It's the 30th I'm going out. Mini dress tights and heels. Chezza cole hair.

I am quite concerned about my behaviour. I have an odd feeling I will drink, dance and blow out and seek male attention to see if I am fancieable. I know of a bloke who i used to shag see and I just know he would but NO. Creepy.

God I'm gonna heal over

Ask Sal she knows how I like sex pmsl

thinking of Kim, my sister. My other sister Chloe is the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. Men literally fall at her. She's the same as kim. Dad said today I used to have their confidence and he didn't see until now what a job I have had done to me. He said I've been mentally abused.

Friend of mine used to say: go out, have a great time, and if you're not in bed by eleven... go home.

at being your sex spokesperson!

No no no no no. I'm going to have Stern Words with you. You ARE NOT ALLOWED to have sex on the 30th. Even if you only hold out this once. It'll be a big mistake.

BUT - nothing wrong with a little flirting etc. Make a deal with your friends there that UNDER NOT CIRCUMSTANCES are they to leave you alone. If there is a guy you really really fancy, keep him interested for next time. Trust me on this.

what Sal said

and LL

and Annie

Thing is Scorps, you need to have some time on your own - to heal, to work out what you want, to get strong again and eventually to find the right person on your terms - not as a rebound. It's just far too soon. A quick shag might make you feel good for a day or two but it might make you feel worse.

I want to be comfy in my own skin, definitely. Like my beautiful sisters.

ATM I literally need a diary to schedule all my friends visits!

ds2 said tonight ' we sat on daddys bed in his room'. What a sad picture. Hope it hit him.

I can't remember if I sai this here but I saw him out the window earlier and I felt blank. Not numb but blank.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing, feeling blank? Progress?

Who are you going out with on 30th? I'm so impressed you're going to wear a mini dress so soon after giving birth. Good for you!

I always get my legs out when I go out these days but it took me about six months after having DS for them to be in good enough shape!

Think everyone else is right - not sure pulling will really help you feel better. But looking like a total knockout will help I'm sure!

Progress definitely i used to want to cuddle him etc

although I haven't been in close proximity with him yet.

I hope it hit him sitting in his room with the dc, but I bet it's all a novelty for him ATM and he probably isn't struggling as much as me. Mum said he's thin and black eyed.

I had a peaceful evening las night. Fed lacey, watched a film.

Nice

The evenings are always fine it's the days I'm struggling with, my mind races, I haven't really been out much either.

Still SO scared of the future. I really am.

Just checking in to say hi

How's it going today?

Today is good

still very anxious over future prospects though. Dad says that's not even a thing on his radar.

I still worry over what K is doing, also when he sees someone - prob when he goes out on weekend will pull. Also wondering how he feels about it all.

Well I can see why you would worry but you do have 24/7 back-up right now from your friends, family and online so I don't think you need to concern yourself with the future until you've sorted the present.

As we were saying yesterday, you need to be comfortable in your own skin and realise your true worth before you worry about anything else.

Don't know what to say about you wondering where he is and what he's up to. I suppose friends would probably be able to tell you - but do you really want to know in the long run or would you rahter ignore his existence as far as you can so you can move on?

Glad to hear it's a good day.

Would rather ignore his existence as I'm sure anyone he gets involved with will be being used as a fanny anyway. He said once he used to 'fuck for sport'.

I am already feeling more comfy. Have arranged to go rugby 2 weeks time.

K is probably spending his time with friends as it's a novelty ATM not to 'answer' to anyone. If he pulls going out on the weekend then he does, isn't that what men do after a split anyway?? He did say he wants to be himself for a while bit he's never been capable of that.

I still haven't seen him yet, worry it will set me back.

My dad seems so sure he will treat more women this way. Is that right? What if he meets someone and never ever hurts her, is like my dad with her? Then it will be me

No, "pull" is what teenagers do after a split. So yes, it's probably what he'll do. Grownup people don't behave like sex mad teenagers shagging the first thing that crosses their way.

He's a disgrace to men, actually. I'd go and slap my brother myself if he ever behaved like that. Not that he would, mind you, he's got respect for women and other people in general.

To continue in my preachy ways:

Careful what kind of boyfriend you pick next. Sometimes (not always) we get in a pattern, and repeat the same mistakes over and over again. This is a good opportunity to change your life to fit in with what you really want. But just remember not to go for the same kind of person again.

Re not wanting to scare guys with 4 children: It'll be a really shallow guy that only wants a carefree, child free partner. K's type. Not the type you're interested in. Because make no mistake, if K met you now with no children, he'd be lying at your feet. You don't want that again.

However, the most guaranteed way to scare guys off, is by appearing desperate. Children or no children.

So aim for a single year or two. (Or months or whatever, but a good break.) When you don't actually want a partner so desperately, you'd be able to choose wisely. Have loads of friends in the meantime.

Hmm, if I were a betting sort I'd bet on him not treating women well in the future.

I'm 100% sure it's not you at all!

Stop being silly. How can it be you if he did the same thing to all his previous girlfriends?

Because he was 20 then, what if at 27 he's different?

He just came to get j and m. J really didn't want to see him. I nearly said he didn't have to go it was that bad.

Yes I don't want a boyfriend now, but I bet he's already started something. How do I stop it bothering me?

Had a good (well ATM) day again today. My flat is looking fab. Dad reckons very soon I'll thank god he left! Seems optimistic to me'

I think your Dad is right. At the moment you're thinking about K lots. One day soon you'll realise you haven't thought about him for an hour, then for a morning, then you'll realise you're well on the way!

I don't hurt so much anymore I haven't felt it in my legs for two days

one time about 4 years ago I wanted to sit my GAMSAT exam for entry to medicine degree. He put me off, despite everyone else telling me to. I regret not doing it now.

I'm excited about next weekend I feel free right now

my life is going up, dad says his is going down bit by bit

Either you have respect for other people or you don't. 20 is not that young, and if he had changed, you wouldn't be in the position you are in now. He won't change.

Cool re snazzy flat - see, always a silver lining and all that!

How to stop things bothering you? Oh, I don't know. If it was me, I'd probably have words with myself, in a "Stop being so stupid and do something" way. But then, that's me, and I'm odd. This is probably also the reason why my home is only spotless when I'm upset. /

Well after 2 weeks he has asked to see lacey. Considering she is 3 weeks old he's doing well non? Lol

said he has money for me etc. Sounds odd written down like this would never be 'us'. But he was no good. And won't be for anyone else.

Wish I was a bit braver, but I'm making progress aren't I?

You most definitely are.

Yes - great progress I completely agree with MisSal's advice to take your time to pick the right type of partner and not fall into (what might be) a familiar pattern.