Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Hi Scorps. Glad you are getting lots of support. Can imagine how you must have felt on your wedding anniversary I find Valentines Day very difficult because it was the day that I discovered h had been unfaithful. Anniversaries are also a bit difficult for me still. I hope time will be a healer and that you will meet someone special who makes you glad h is an x.

I think I love Anniegetyourgun... If I ever need some straight advice, I'm going to stalk you (and be a little scared at the same time).

Agree

Sal that's the third compliment I've had on this thread. People will think I'm on a self promotion kick . Actually I thought you'd been saying some mortal sensible things yourself. I wanted to say something like "shit happens" on Monday but couldn't think how to avoid sounding unsympathetic and (worse for a pedant) cliched. Then I read your post of 13:24:07 and thought "Ah, THAT's the right way to put it!" Also, if I rightly understand it, you know Scorps IRL, which I don't, so your advice is more personal and meaningful. For example I only get to hear about what the H has done recently, but those who've met him have confirmed he really is a dick.

ps if you want to join my fan club, I think UnlikelyAmazonian is accepting subscriptions .

Sorry Scorps, as you were.

I hate fawning behaviour but in your case annie I may have to make an exception

Morning Scorps!

Sounding good today - you go girl (I could never pull that off irl!)

I hope I meet someone nice too. I really am very anxious I'm going to lead a lonely life.

Just had friends round. Friends husband said ok last 2 years been awful - imagine living with him for another 25 times this - my god!

I'm so so very concerned that 4 dc will put men off.

Also concerned about when he starts seeing someone.

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and I don't yet. I can't even see him yet and I hate the thought he thinks I'm mourning it big time when really I'm not, it's more about what's to come than what was.

Doesn't matter what he thinks. He's an idiot.

Lacey is being very helpful to her mummy Sleeping through already dd is 6 months old and wakes twice a night - and I thought that was good

I worry so much I won't ever get a partner

Of course you will have a partner hon

Are you seeing the CPN this week?

Aww, thanks Annie. Actually, I haven't ever met Scorps' h in real life (thank heavens, I'm not that tactful and my face speaks volumes, even when I bite my lip until it bleeds), but we've been on the same pre- and postnatal threads for a couple of years and friends off board.

Will only join your fan club if no weight loss support groups involved - I've joined too many threads, had good support, then sneaked off to eat 5 liters of Ben and Jerry's, and ended up too embarrassed to show my (fat) face again!

Scorps, it's very early days still, so of course you're not feeling 100% back to your own self yet. You have to remember, though, that it took years of slow abuse to break you down, so although the recovery will be a lot faster than that, it won't be overnight. It doesn't matter that you're not up to seeing him yet - the good thing is this can now be on your terms, so you don't even have to see him again ever if you really don't want to.

Weight loss? Ahahahahaha!

Mmm, Ben and Jerry's...

Mmmm - I like chunky monkey flavour

I had CPN yesterday again next Monday

Yes he did chip away at me for years. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin but I don't yet. I bet he doesn't even think about me anymore. I don't think I would ever hav him back though it's too much now.

I just don't wanna be alone forever, partner wise. It's not just me either it's FOUR children.

Plenty of people come as a package these days (for want of a better expression) - I don't think it's anything unusual.

In fact, I'd say you've got things to offer that others won't have (apart from being hot!). You're still so young and have so much ahead of you.

MIL had DH at 17 and SIL at 21 and he left when she was 25. She is now very happily married to a lovely man who has raised her children as his own (he does also have his own), boosted her self-esteem, doesn't beat her up (always a bonus!) etc. And because she had her children so young, she has got her independence back early. They had the house to themselves not long after she was 40, are able to take lovely holidays etc.

Also, it does take time to get your self confidence back - but boy, when you start noticing it, it'll feel sooooooo good.

I'd forgotten what my friend was like until I started seeing the old her come back again. And as it did, she realised what a fab person she was and that boosted her confidence even further.

She's so very happy now but had to go through the agony of separation to start off with, just as you are.

It must be tough when you have four others to think of - but on the flip side, take heart from the fact that you're obviously being a fantastic mummy to them and let that give you a confidence boost to start you off.

I'm not even doing much of the dc care, well all of lacey and most of millie but other people are doing the boys really.

I would love to get my self confidence back! I keep thinking of my sister - very pretty girl. She is happy in her own skin. Works, goes out once a week, enjoys watching films and seeing friends. She is also a pr type girl for local rugby team. She's happy and i want that. Men love her but she's single in a positive way. Takes pleasure in small things. She has masses of confidence.

I must ignore him and what he does and concentrate on me. My friends husband got him down to a T. Bored easily, always wanting more for self validation.

I fb stalked. J has gone to Haiti to help. Wahoo!

I feel slighty hurt he doesn't contact me but friends H said as soon as he sees me happy he will try to worm his way in my mind again. NO.

I suppose when I feel comfy in myself that's when boys will happen? Just don't want my life to be a sucrssion of flings I want it all. He will start girls v soon.

I'm slightly worried when I go out next weekend I will be silly. Prove I can pull. Try to do it first. (it might be fun lol)

Whatever you do, don't go down to his level. It's not a competition, and to be honest, it would make you look stupid. Also (oh, I sound SO like my mother now), act like you want to be treated. You said you want to settle down and marry again one day. If you act a bit wild now, you run the risk of scaring off the crowd you really want to attract later.

Nothing wrong with fun with the girls, but I'd be really careful how you act around men now. You know you don't want flings, so don't attract the kind of guy that does.

Off to knit some socks...

Lol

feels a bit like a competition tbh.

Feeling hemmed in by BF and babyhood. Pissed off he ttc with me whilst cheating.

I so do want a marriage one day. Just dont think anyone will want me with all the dc.

Wise words Sal!

Let's move on to happier topics - what are you wearing Fri? Have you decided? Do I remember reading you're back in a size 8 a mere three weeks after having a baby

Reckon you are right to use your sis as a role model - someone who is confidently single. Men are often attracted to women like that - not ones that seem desperate iyswim. It also means that you can bide your time to choose the right one - or at least have fun whilst getting there. A succession of flings may happen before you find Mr Right. It kind of depends what you want. I mean you can hold out for Mr Right but you may feel that it's getting a bit dusty down below (sorry to be crude )and enjoy a few flings before settling down again. Also sometimes a fling can lead to a more serious relationship. Anyway I'm waffling.......just try to relax a bit and see how things pan out. You won't be left on the shelf. You are young, pretty and popular. Don't pull this weekend just to prove you can - you might feel worse after. Imo you still need to heal.
Forget about J and him and see revenge as getting your life back on track. Don't waste aanother minute pining for a narcissistic loser.