Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Hey Scorps - you're doing really well. Just keep taking baby steps. Well done on Lacey sleeping through, what a wonderful baby. Also keep remembering the guy's a complete tossing loser & you can and will eventually do sooooo much better. I know it sounds ridiculous but try and enjoy the time you have with your fabulous children and wonderful mum & dad. Keep eating & keep strong. Am thinking of you regularly xxxxx

There is no point asking why really. It's one of those things - sometimes life is shit, for no reason. Just is.

You read threads on here, of good people, happy, healthy people, where the husband died unexpected. People's lives are irreversibly changed, children's lives, family, everything. And you sit and wonder "why??", "why me/her??". It makes no sense. But it is all pointless to go through that again and again. It just happens sometimes.

So all you can do when you're dealt a bad hand is stand up. Get up, for yourself, your family. And then try going forward. The past is and will always be the past, and more often than not there is no explanation for things. We just need to accept it and try and move on. Sucks, but better than driving yourself insane with a question that really has no answer.

You're doing so well, just continue with that. x

Feeling shitty

dunno why he doesn't want me

He has fb messge me asking after the dds. I don't want it to turn into big message streams again. Inhavent replied yet I guess I'll just be matter of fact.

His mum said that he said we need to talk. WTF about? I refuse to hear more shit about what I did and howbhe doesn't want me cos i know that. We have sorted finances and he has free access to dcs, harder with lacey admittedly but still open. So what more is there? Not so strong today.

2 years ago today I was decorating our wedding reception venue. Married 2 years tomorrow, or not, lol. I want and need the strength to face the day. Inhavent cried yet either.

I married him with huge faith, with love and adoration. I wanted to be an old biddy sharing chips with him on the sea front. I had such massive faith in the sanctity of the vows, almost like it was law or an oath or something. Til death do us part. He promoised to love honour and cherish me and did NONE of it.I stupidly did it all.

Day by day. Let it be.

Mum and dad left now but frend at 630pm. Cpn tomorrow. Mw tomorrow. Dad here for school and then all afternoon painting. Mum here too.

I'm feeling caged in like I wanna get seriously drunk in a tiny mini dress and dance on the stage in the club. Holding back because I know I'll do something i regret with a man for attention. I'm so pathetic.

She said he said that he feels we need to talk. I REaLLY don't feel the need.

I would like to shout. He did none of the vows. He did so much bad stuff to me.

All 4 are screaming

what a total bastard he should be doing this with me but oh no it's ok to walk when it gets tough

what a pity I can't walk

My dad came back up and told the boys off. I didn't even ask him he rang in the middle of screaming and just turned up.

My friend just popped in too she says of course I'll meet someone new and that he's a total knob

wondering what who he's doing tonight though trying not to

Chin up you are doing great

Did my package get to you OK?

Not only will you probably meet someone Scorps but it will be someone who returns your love in equal value.

Who will make you feel cherished and honoured, loved and protected. Because it has some ups and down but I am damn sure Love shouldn't hurt the way it is hurting you. And the more you see him in his true light, the more worthy I hope you will find yourself.

Love doesn't mess people around when they are low and vulnerable Scorps, it nurtures and heals, so give yourself time and don't berate yourself.

Like others have said HE did this, it is NOT your fault or that there is something wrong or unloveable about you.

I am only a little way down the line from you and have been on my own for 6 months after several painful years and I found it hard to believe I would ever feel like enjoying life again. It is a gradual thing but it does come and when the weight of worrying about whether he is being 'true' really goes, you may take a big step forward.

Your Dad sounds like a wise kind man, and that is what you deserve. Accept that there will be knock backs but with each one, almost despite yourself you grow stronger and you will know true happiness.

You are amazing, even if you don't feel like it..stay brave and keep breathing.

Hey, sorry to hear you've had a tough day today. I'm sure tomorrow won't be easy but don't beat yourself up about it - you're doing a fab job. It's good you've got a busy day.

Your parents sound wonderful

Hi Scorps

You don't know me but I've read your thread top to bottom and think you're amazing.

Just you wait until the next best day of your life - the day you realise that you are sooooooo much better without him.

You're doing great honey x

I hurt today

it's my wedding anniversary

why doesn't he want me?

Oh Scorps Lovey, I can't answer that but you will be in my thoughts today and I hope the support and concern and love of 'strangers' on MN, your friends and family get you through a difficult day....

I bet he doesn't even know the date or give a shit

I don't know how someone can choose to leave when his reasons don't seem marriage ending

I'm so scared of the future it feels like a race to get over it, I feel in competition with him to get over it, see someone else, be 'ok', not care about any of it.

I'm angry, resentful. What if I don't wanna be a mum anymore? He chose nt to be a dad anymore. I have to do this though, no choice.

He has ruined my future chances as well as my now.

Hello Scorps,
I too read your whole thread the other night and I think you are brilliant!
I'm going through something a bit similar right now so I completely empathize.
You are amazing, believe me you are doing great. I imagine it's hard with 4 young kids (I find it hard with 2).
You sound like you have a supportive family - why not ask your mum and dad if they can babysit when lacey gets used to the breastfeeding and can have expressed milk?
Think forward to a few years - you will still be young, the little one's will be at school/nursery and you will get a bit of yourself back. You will meet someone worthy of all the love you have to give, if and when you are ready. Your ex will be alone in his shallow life.
I know it hurts. Your posts have really touched me, keep posting xxx hope today is ok for you x

Bad today

don't understand

feel like I'm going back and this will never be ok

Anyone?

I've been left with so much shit

I want to grow old with someone and now I won't

i want to be happy

Evening! I haven't been able to get online until now but have been thinking of you today.

I'm not surprised you feel like you've taken a step backwards given what today means to you. It's perfectly normal.

But I don't think you have - some days you'll feel better than others.

Of course it's hard, especially with a tiny baby. But you're doing such a fantastic job.

You deserve to be happy and you will be. It will be okay again. Perhaps it won't be what you had expected but it will be great - so much better than anything you've had before. You'll meet someone who is just crazy about you, who wants to love you wholeheartedly and take care of you.

I have to/want to stop dwelling on it and move on

I'm only 'missing' physical definite company. He lied and cheated, treated me badly.

I get breaks from the dc now. I managed pretty much alone anyway.

I want to sort this in my brain: resentment at being in every night with baby. The fear of not meeting another proper partner.

I do feel 'shelved' but in a way I can see it will be better in the longer term.

I'm concerned about when I know he has seen someone else. I'm not sure why; self fufulling prophecy I think almost.

I wish I could get out inthe evenings a bit more. Going out a week Saturday, for a blow out. I suppose in a few months I will be able to get some more space.

I want today to be the first day of moving on.and never looking back.

Morning. I've been following last couple of days, but didn't really have anything new to say, hence the no post. Still here though, as I suspect most people are.

Agree with everything you say today. Good attitude. x

Aye, still here. You'll be dancing in the mini dress before you know it, garnering an obscene amount of attention for a mother of four . Your parents are living proof that sometimes the first marriage was just practice for the main event. But don't be in a rush to get tied down. Window shopping is fun.

Right now you're the one home with all the screaming, but you're also the one home with all the hugs and the little crayon drawings of stylised flowers with "I lovE you Mmumy", and one day some lovely young men and women who'll take you (and their nice stepdad-to-be) out places just because they like to make you happy. They'll still see their dad but they'll privately think he's a bit of a loser. Because he is. That's unless they have to avoid him because they can't stand their ghastly stepmother. Here, borrow my crystal ball, it's got some great stuff in it.

Oh, and stay off that bloody Facebook.