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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

979 replies

Scorps · 14/12/2009 10:12

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

OP posts:
harperlady · 11/01/2010 15:19

Hi Scorps,

I was being a lurker on some other theads and came across this - just wanted to say you're AMAZING! You went through a pregnancy and birth while this guy (who seems to be a poster-child for early mid-life crisis, imho) twatted on about himself selfishly, and didn't lose your strength - you've kept going and kept your family going. Not everyone would have been able to.

Hope you're doing well today.

DonDons · 11/01/2010 15:56

Look at it like this Scorps - you are setting an example to your children - to the boys - that a man cannot treat a woman so badly, be so selfish, do whatever the hell they like and still have a wife sitting at home letting them get away with all sorts, to the girls - that you don't have to be walked all over, that you can be strong and independent, and that you don't have to sacrifice your own dignity for a pig of a man.

You are not a horrid person - he is. An utter utter shit of a man.

Original poster
Scorps · 11/01/2010 17:09

Bit upset but brian Adams song came on, an you know the bits - yeah I'd lie for you, walk the wire for you etc well he never would have for me. Some days he couldn't even stay in for me.

God I wish I could stop wanting him, or at least parts of him.

I'm worried he will sail through this. Won't care. Will move on mega fast.

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 11/01/2010 17:18

Scorps, don't keep doing this to yourself, please. I'm not convinced you're helping yourself by not getting the professionals involved. Because what if he starts hanging around the local floozies next - you have to start equipping yourself to deal with it. What if he turns around and not do a single thing for the children. What if he wants you back (that one's the worst option, in my opinion). Would you really not consider speaking to a counsellor? I agree that they won't fix it - some things are so past fixing you can't even begin to try. But they can help YOU become stronger and happier, irrespective of what he does or doesn't do with his life.

Original poster
Scorps · 11/01/2010 19:50

I will be going home Wednesday or Thursday

I need the strength to tell him. I KNOW it's done and dusted but still the doing is different iyswim. He needs to get his stuff sorted etc.

My grandad (kind of) rang tonight to remind me nan got through worse than this, met him. Take life slow, rushing means you get burnt. Live my life for me now.

OP posts:
EllieG · 11/01/2010 20:13

Hey scorps - just been able to catch up with MN and seen how tough things have been for you lately. Am so sorry. Congratulations on your new and am sure gorgeous DD, lots of love to you and your other DC. You are a lovely Mum and have been an honest and loving wife, and have nothing to feel ashamed of x

EllieG · 11/01/2010 20:21

scorps - have been reading your posts and am honestly in tears for you, sorry to be maudlin, am not meaning to bring you down but OMG I am SO angry that someone made you feel that way, least of all your sodding husband. He is a louse who doesn't deserve you. R and J and Mimi and Lacey have a wonderful mother, and they are very lucky children for that.

Original poster
Scorps · 11/01/2010 20:24

Ellie - I know ibhave talked to you alot over the last couple of years about H - do you think this is best too long term? Yes it has been and still is very shitty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 07:57

Wahoo

lacey slept in her basket all night!! Settled at 1am ish. Woke at 430 and now and I slept in my own bed alone!! Gave her a dummy, totally done the trick.

It's already Tuesday. Must tell him about plans for going home today...... Also this is mega facing up to it time. Sometimes I feel ok like yes of course I'll be fine settle again have fun etc. Other times I feel I'm alwas going to want him. Will be weird going home, it will be like I'm out of my cocoon.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 12/01/2010 09:36

Scorps - your home will soon feel like your cocoon. You can make your home your cocoon with your DCs. Don't lose heart, keep strong and keep going. You're doing fantastically well.

This is a gut-wrenching time for you, but you can do this.....

At the moment I imagine you feel like you've been skewered emotionally. This will pass, things will settle down. The hurt will die down and you will make a life for you and your DCs. But it does take time. You're doing the hardest bit - coping with a newborn on your own.

Keep shouting for help, don't push anyone away. You never know that one day, you may be able to repay their kindness or pay it forward.......

Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 09:58

I don't think I'll ever be able to do enough to repay those who have helped and still are and will forever iyswim

He keeps messaging me asking how I am. Again. And what he's up to - first time for everything pmsl

so overly chuffed lacey stayed in her basket!!! I really am! Lol.

Just because I need to go home it doesn't mean I'm ending it does it? Iyswim

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 10:08

Hon... you're going home to live with your children. It's what people do after having a baby. How can you be ending anything by doing that? How can it be wrong? It could be his home too, with you, if he wanted. You never said he had to leave. He said it, and it's keeping you out of your own home. That is so wrong and so distorted. You tried to make sense of the nonsensical and it's messing with your head. It will take some time to get straight, that's only to be expected.

ladylush · 12/01/2010 10:12

Great that Lacey stayed in her basket all night dd is 6 months old and only started sleeping independently this week (we had to co-sleep cos she refused to sleep in her moses basket).

Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 10:34

Thankyou

I guess it's not me ending it then it's the progression of it, from his doing isn't it.

Have remembered more stuff he has done to me.

In October 2008 he text a woman (explicitly) for two weeks ( he was fighting and some woman approached him and that was that) and I remember taking our dc to the park and he kept texting and said it was his mate. He even planned to meet her despite her living 250 miles away. I told him never to contact her again and e did.

One time he was talking about leaving again, he looked at a flat and taunted me with it

he told me he was leaving when I was pg with dc3 too

I have ha friends ring me to tell me he has a woman in his car in a town 15 miles away when I thought he was at gym (they were right)

one time a 'friend' of his knew he was away and asked me if I wanted 'company', ahem. I very much said no and told h asap. Some how it was my fault, inmust have led friend on. (really didn't). H wante to tell frends gf but I didn't, he bullied me for days about morals. He at this time was just starting that 6 month long thing with that teenage girl (we shall call her C).

This year, in the same month he started with C asked a man he knows is gay and has a crush on him, if he was up for it. Man said no he has a bf, but still h asked regardless of me. H has had a thing about this man for a couple o years now, they kind of always flirt ad touch each other alot etc, I'm not sure what has happened past that though. Man has recently aproached h again.

Just more things I'm remembering. Sorry for typos on my iPhone.

I however am a size 8 again yay

OP posts:
harperlady · 12/01/2010 11:41

This man is a manipulative jerk. Given some distance from him, I think you'll probably start to wonder why you were ever with him - it's always so hard to see these things when you're in the situation!

Well done Scorps - you're doing brilliantly. Enjoy going home and making it a wonderful place for you and yours.

Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 12:21

Mum and \dad have gone out today im home alone with lacey, he is home alone with mimi

i havent been alone yet

Everything is starting to feel huge again, my future, if i'll ever be at peace again.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 12:29

So that thing he said the other day about he won't be able to touch another woman until he gets you out of his head... this is a new thing, right? I wonder when it started? Oh wait... it's bullshit.

Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 12:40

i guess it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 12:40

removed my married status from FB - huge step for me.

Didnt want to be alone today.

OP posts:
KnitterInTheNW · 12/01/2010 12:54

Remember you won't be alone when you go home, you'll have your gorgeous children with you to keep you occupied, and your fantastic family and friends aren't just going to leave you alone, are they?

Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 13:03

No they won't, but if even a twat can't love me then i have fuck all hope don't I.

I have so much responsibility, so much shit to wade through, i felt i tried so hard but he thinks i didn't.

Wish i could run away sometimes.

Why am i the one still shedding tears over him? he should be sobbing his heart out about what he's done.

I still have to ring the benefits line but can't bring myself to. I don't want people to know i'm too ashamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 13:04

feel ugly, worthless, thick, stupid. I must have been so thick to allow all this. He did so much to me.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 12/01/2010 13:07

now stop that. you are not to blame. he has thrown it all away,yes he;s a twat, but taht is nothing to do with you !!

Original poster
Scorps · 12/01/2010 13:12

Sorry for all swearing.

I keep trying to remember DAY BY DAY. its when i think of the future it seems bad.

OP posts:
SuperSoph73 · 12/01/2010 13:16

Oh honey, you're none of those things. Just keep remembering that you have your wonderful children around you and friends and family, so you'll never be alone.

He is the one who has f*ckd it up, not you. Women are renowned for shouldering all the responsibility for family, relationships, etc and then trying to analyse why it all went wrong and what they could have done to stop it. We just have to accept that not everything is under our control. You did not do this, he did & it's his responsibility and if he can't or won't accept this then he's not remotely worth it.

You are a fabulous person & a wonderful mother - remember that.