Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Hey, your children need money to live on. Don't let your feelings get in the way of doing what they need you to do. The bad feelings come and go, but the offspring will need feeding regardless. #shake#

ps The eejit can't love you, not because there's anything wrong with you, but because there's something wrong with him. Sure you've been acting kind of thick, because you tried to see him as a good husband where one didn't exist. I am firmly of the opinion that if women didn't do this a whole lot the human race would die out within a generation. (I certainly wouldn't have had one child, let alone four, with XH if my eyes had been properly open - I kept them squinty on purpose, and tried to work at it because I was sure that it could be done, that there was a strong marriage to be had if only I kept trying... Different problems from yours though.)

Scorps, lovey - it's not all about you - it's all about him. He is a mega-twat. I know that you'll be feeling that it's all your fault. It isn't - you just got caught in the crossfire, that's all.

Get on the phone and get those benefits that you're entitled to - as Annie says, your kids will still need feeding - they'll need clothing too..... He's not going to take responsibility for them - you will be.

He's a very, very, loose cannon and you're well out of the way.

A day at a time. Breathe in and then breathe out again. And again. And again...

I agree - once you get benefits sorted, it's one less thing to worry about. We're lucky we live somewhere that the state supports us when we need it - so use it while you DO need it! Remember - it's just a phone call. If you can steel yourself to get that done, then the next thing will be a bit easier. Just take baby steps...

Scorps. You don't know me but I just had to say a couple of things to you.

I've just caught up with this thread, and my God but you are an amazing woman. Look at all you've achieved already? Up at the beginning of this thread you were frightened that you weren't going to be able to look after your baby. Well...guess what? You have, in fact you're looking after her so beautifully that she is already feeding like a pro, back up to her birth weight and sleeping in her basket. Quite an achievement for anybody but especially for someone who's been through all you have.

So now your fears have moved onto the future. I promise you, it will not be as black and awful as you think. I was married to a compulsive liar/cheater/attention seeker. We got married when I was 24 and he was 23 and he basically fucked anything that looked his way. He had a terrible childhood and looking back, and also looking at him now, he doesn't actually like women at all. ANYWAY...we split, I have 2 lovely boys and he left me the day after my DS2's first birthday (I thought that was bad enough!) and it was awful. The first couple of weeks I was a mess. I too turned to my wonderful parents and they helped me as much as your fab mum and dad have done. Honestly? It was hard. I'm not going to lie, but the fear of what it was going to be was much, much worse.

This is getting too long, so I'll stop and just say the last thing I wanted to say to you:

You say that you must be shit for not even being able to make this man love you. That's so twisted up. He can't love you, he can't love anyone. You haven't failed, he just can't do it. One day you'll be able to pity him - what a thing he's lost in you and your children. What a wonderful thing. (Oh, BTW, my XH has cried for me for 6 years. He says he loves me, and I think maybe now he does. Tough shit)

Keep strong and much love.

Thankyou everyone

I'm going home on Friday. Dad rang him to tell him. Also told him to change bed (it won't smell of him then you see), shop and clean. H could hardly speak. He rang me earlier too, nearly crying, asking about raincover for the new buggy.

Mum is going to help me make benefits call tomorrow. Dad says tomorrow will be hard cos of money calls and forms - we are having champagne with tea as a reward

His loss, I guess. I don't know.

He seems to be having some kind of meltdown but imo the very least he can do is do it in a low profile way - rather than almost crying and adding to your burden. He is fucking with your head by sending out mixed messages. If he is on self-destruct, tell him to f off and do it somewhere else away from you. Last thing you need right now.

champagne with tea will be lovely Is the snow bad there? Will it be difficult for you to get about?

We haven't got any snow

he message me asking if I wanted him to buy anything in particular for tea for when I'm home

how can someone be so blasé? How can he just leave us I surely can't be that bad.

I'm so scared of the future I really am. I've been tossed aside, for what, I don't yet know. How can anyone walk from wife and 4 kids, how can he not love me when I was just scared he would cheat?

He just doesn't give a shit.

It's my wedding anniversary on Tuesday. God I didn't see this coming.

I dreamt about him last night. Hesaid he loved me I'm never gonna hear that again.

Lacey is being weighed again this morning. Oh yes wow my milk works. Pity I'm so shit nothing else does

Scorps, I am going to be cross with you again.

You are allowed to be hurt and low and sorry for yourself. That's all perfectly understandable. You are NOT allowed to hate yourself, all right?

(a) because it's not true and I'm sure you've been properly brought up not to tell lies

(b) because all those lovely RL friends, some of whom we've had the pleasure of meeting on here, don't think you're shit and how dare you call their friend a bad word?

(c) because your parents didn't bring up no shit children

(d) because your children don't want you believing their mummy is shit. They've got one shit parent, they can't afford two.

Scorps What annie said, with a cherry on the top.

Like I've said before, he's a loose cannon and it's all about him, not about you. This is why he acts like this.

Please print that little paragraph, stick it on your fridge and repeat it to yourself 3 times, every time you see it..... xx

Well if it helps I have milk envy! dd has dropped almost 2 centiles in 4 weeks Just found out she has tongue-tie so that may be a contributory factor. Anyway - it is great that Lacey is feeding so well. Of course that is not all you are good for - but one less thing to feel shit about
And no snow - at least the weather is being kind After my problems with dh I had all manner of horrible vivid dreams - tis normal. It will pass. Next time h asks you if you need anything tell him a decent bloke with some integrity and scruples wouldn't go amiss. Oops - can't help with that one can he

Ok

Lacey is 7.15oz now.

Good to hear she is doing so well. Scorps please be kind to yourself. You are so worth kindness and a good deal more. x

Not doing well at all, think it's hitting home since doing benefits call

I didn't sign up for this at all

I don't know how he can do this he was supposed to love us

feels like he doesn't care at all

I will be alone forever I will never think of anyone like I did him I adored him

I don't want to live my 'new' life at all I want to run away or sleep or something why can't someone else do it my heart can't take anymore

how can he discuss money with me and move his direct debits and not even care

why is he going through with this? Wouldn't anyone check up?

I'm never going to have sex again or love anyone or no one will love me and he will have lots o gfs and I will be meaningless to him, boring,

I don wanna do this why is everyone making me

Scorps - please go and find your mum or dad or sister and gett hem to give you a big cuddle - you have made a big step today.

You are such a lovely lady, you are bound to feel love again. It's hard to believe, because K was your first love and you just cannot imagine ever feeling like that again about anybody else, but people do. My mother is on her third husband - the first was her first love but she was too young, the second was a complete shit and left her totally broke and with 2 kids, the third is a total angel and she is really in love with him.

You didn't sign up for this you are right - because you are a decent human being who was brought up to respect and love other people - unfortunately your H is not like that and hence he has mistreated you terribly. Don't punish yourself for being suspicious of him - you were right to be after all! He is the one who has done wrong - he should never have made you feel like that - let alone all the other stuff he has done.

Scorps- I know how you feel. My wedding anniversary was new year's eve. It hurt.

Do you want to know why he acts as though it's fine? He did his hurting(if he did) ages ago. You are only just beginning to grieve. It may have been painful before but it was never really real til now. He has had time to distance himself as he made his mind up ages ago. Keep in mind that it is not just you that didn't ask for this. It is your kids too. Therefore, you have to be strong for them. You can still feel terrible, of course, but prop yourself up with the fantastic support you have around you. Use it to pretend to be strong while you heal. Soon you will be strong and proud of what you have done and he will be some pathetic loser who needs to be with people beneath him to make him feel good. The problem is that you were IN FACT too good for him. He will surround himself with his teenage fanclub to feel good. You will have family and friends and find someone new.

One day you will have a new man, new love. You are beautiful, you're thin 5 secs after DC4 ffs, you are clever and lovely.

Sorry to ramble but I'm cross with you for not being able to see in the mirror.

Thankyou

I cuddled my dad

I certainly don't feel beautiful or clever. I do agree with having to be strong and big for my four babies

spoke to MIL last night. And FIL. They are supportive of me. I'm not even going to type what H has been telling them as I'm sure you will lynch mob him

going home tomorrow. Feel ok about that today. I have a film sky plussed I want to watch at home.

Lacey slept 10-2, 3-730! In her basket!!

I am on list for nhs counsellor. CPN Monday. Homestart weekly. I AM NOT going to let this put me on anti ds. No one has that right.

Well done Lacey, what a good girl

It sounds like you're feeling a bit more positive today. Just keep up those hugs

Oh lovely, well done little Lacey!

The thing you need to remember is, you are going though your pain now. He will get his later, once you are already out the other side. Then it will be his turn to realize his world is caving in, and that he has no-one. It will be much, much worse for him. You will never have no-one, you have you amazing DC's and your parents who sound brilliant. You have friends around you, and although you probably don't want to think about it now, one day you will meet someone amazing. Someone so wonderful that you will understand why all this pain had to happen, because it was in order to meet him.
So when you ask, how can he do this? How can he not seem to care? The answer is that he will care one day, he will be torn up by what he has done; his realization will come too late, and he will be miserable for it.

Chin up, love. You're doing well. Hope you liked the card!

Friends hae asked me out on the 30th. Mini dress picked. Sister doing hair.

I'm off for cocktails, apparently..... [messy]

feel ok today. Terrified of tomorrow, though parents and friends are about all day and night.

I haven't had any post I'm still at mums, thankyou if you have sent me anything that's so kind

Final countdown now

I don't wanna live though this

Scorps, this is a rough week - keep your eye on the next hour, and if that do-able, keep it on the next 24 hours. For now, don't think any further than this. This week is survival. This is turning point week, so we just need to get through this. You're doing brilliantly. x

Help is around, from various sources. Use it if you have to. If surviving next 24 hours means being on the phone to your friends all the time, or having someone around, or posting on here every 5 minutes, please do that. We're all here for you, and we want to carry you through it, but we can't really. If there is anything that any of us can do, even if it is only listen, we'd love to. x