Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

i don;t like many films, does not give my DH carte blanche to cheat on me

seems like your H did not realise how good he had got it

well, that's now his problem

the right thing for him to do would to have been at home and/or provided help with childcare so you could pursue your interests, rather than complaining you are baby centred,w hen you are at home with 4 children

"I have been shown that yes sometimes things are shit but you work together through it because you're married and love each other"

Absolutely right, that's what marriage should be for (and isn't it beautiful?). The point is in that "together". You didn't get a chance to work through it because he pulled the rug out from under your feet. That's why you must not accept that this is your fault. He's just rationalising his bad behaviour by trying to throw the blame on you.

The grass is greener the other side of the fence. He can skip over there quite happily (whatever he pretends) and leave you on the brown side. We are all hoping he comes a cropper, though alas, in this life there's no guarantee, but whatever happens to him it is not your problem. Just when a woman is naturally at her soppiest, you have to be hard for your babies' sake. Tap him for the biggest wad of child support you can, before anyone else gets a charge on his wallet.

I fear this might sound a bit like a tirade. Please realise that however fierce we sound, we are ALL (and I am quite sure I can, for once, speak for all the posters so far on this thread) totally sympathetic about how you are feeling. We are fierce about HIM, we are not exasperated with YOU one bit, your suffering is very real and ongoing and you have every right to feel it. Anyone who's ever had a baby knows how it wipes you out and turns you into a bit of limp string for the first few weeks. You're actually doing incredibly well, do you know that? I ain't a-bullshittin' you; I don't do lies. We keep telling you you're great but of course it's going to be a while before you feel great. Also - I've said it before and I'll say it again - your parents are brilliant. You must be great to have parents like that - am I right?

Great post Annie

i want to be annie, when i grow up!

I hope you don't mind me posting Scorps, I've been lurking

I just popped on to say that your interests sound fab and I think you should pull out all the stops to be able to do them. I also think if you want your H to regret what he has done then you have to do everything in your power to make sure you are happy, and that he sees that you are happy. Not only happy but independent, strong and bloody well capable of getting on with your life without him! Because you are! You just have to believe in yourself.

I am rooting for you

I think I made myself cry...

I want to be be annie too

sounds a bit rude

Oh don't you worry about child support

True marriage to me is beautiful. My parents pull fun at each other (lastest insult is bitch lol) they pull each others ears, mum sits on dads knee. Every night they go bed together. Today they have gone for a walk together. My dad is the best man on this planet. My mumsaid last night I was her pfb and she will be there for eternity for me and dc. True marriage, this deep love is inspirational.

I am still feeling it's my fault, I'm a shit person if he doesn't love me who will?

My friend rang( he tried to sleep with her when we got together first) ad said I used to be so self confide t and he had ruined it. She feels very strongly he was wrong. She wouldn't come to my wedding as protest.

I keep wondering what's better than us? How will any woman put up with him more than I?

Yes I agree I should be able to be a soppy lump but I can't. I have to be so strong and sometimes that is v weak.

I don't know when to go home. Lacey wakes x3 a night but bf efficently. I'm going to continue bf ona day by day thing, but it's great at mo.

Mw says to stay here a bit longer I'm still too poorly to go home.

Feeling shitty, worthless, wish I could sleep forever. Like I'm bare basic functioning. No one will ever want me with 4 kids. Not long term want.

He has done this at the worst time ever. I feel so skinny, small, like a leaf.

He will get his flat, gfs, have a happy merry life. I feel like running away, disappearing.

Why doesn't he love me?

Lacey is above her birth weight now. I don't even care that bf did that.

he might thinkjg he is happy, but people who behave like that are not really happy, if they were happy in themselves and content, they wild not constantly be looking for other people to make them feel happy and loved

it is really really really early days , please do not waste energy thinking of his 'great' life.

and well done re lacey and her birthweight. hope you are feeling better soon x

Then take the mw's advice lovely.

You will be ok in the end. You just need to keep hearing it.

You have four dcs. How wonderfully lucky. I longed for four children or even more (Iam one of five children).

I have only the one son. My ex h vanished and with him went my chances of having more children.

You will see eventually how lucky you are.

Take him to the cleaners if you can btw.

Mine is beyond jurisdiction in bangland.

Keep going girl. Grrrr to your stupid ex. Big love to you

Scorps, I have 4 kids and never thought any man would take us on, one has SN and another has anorexia, and a idiot of an ex husband who threatens violence when he doesn't get his own way, so quite a family! but here I am 6 years on from leaving him and I am sat with my wonderful husband of almost 2 years. There is hope for you honey just give yourself time, and yes there are nice men in Penzance as I met him there! Just give yourself time and heal, he's not worthy of you or your beautiful family.

Dad said I'm climbing a ladder. Each time I step up he is going to cut the rung below me off so icant go down. He is climbing on his own support ladder at the same time.

There is no point in me going over it, the reasons. I know why they are from my point of view; I can see his reasons. I want him to hurt too though, to see what he had.

I have to deal with my days. First off is a home life routine with support. Then more idependence. Then when that's ok I can start with me things - a glass of wine out, gym,etc.

I have to realise his life is his now not mine iyswim. I just hope he flounders, so bad. I have to find the strength to see him sometimes. There will be bad times buT I have enough people to call on who can be there.

In my more sane moments I can see I'll be ok on myself, then one day to have a proper boyfriend, and I'll be able to see this more fir what it was. I can't see how I would have ever relaxed, felt enough. I couldn't even really let go when we were having sex or ask for things I wanted. Considering we hadsex about 5 times a week, I would be 'left' sometimes weeks without hving an orgasm. Just another example. (I am quite hard work in that way but he knew what to do bit didn't)

I haven't been an innocent party, no, but so much of my behaviour has been as a result of lies and cheating. He really will do it again won't he? I remembered last night when I was pg with dd1 he said he wanted to leave too. He always used to say about leaving. I remember the times I have walked past the registry office where we married an almost felt like spitting at it. He always used to storm out, try to stay out overnight, push things I felt uncomfortable with.

He had so much of me - body mind and soul. I 'allowed' so much - fight training 6 days a week, outings, holidays with mates, that Thai trip, Norway, Greece.... Friends, pubs, secrets, lies, cheating with 18 yr old girl..... All 'allowed'. I tried my utmost to allow his life. He won't really see that as it's doubtful he will marry an have more dcs so won't see what other women are like compared to me in that setting iyswim.

I lost myself so much. I remember once saying that I would still be with him if he wanted to sleep around. Search past on here, the things I went through. It really can't be my fault. I hope he regrets this. He says he's lost his best friend. I don't want to be his friend or know about his life.

He has sold the car. That's ok cos I can't drive but I'm wondering about some money from that? Would have got about £5k. Shall I ask? Dd1 needs clothes.

I have to apply for benefits too. I'm ashamed of that. Have never used that before. It will be alot harder to live off won't it. I have no debt though. I'm worried about them having the clothes/shoes they are used to, that I'm used to.

I feel like such a twat. 25, divorced, 4 kids with 2 dads. Mega catch!!

I feel I have failed lacey as she doesn't have a family but she does have 2 parents who love her I suppose

also my fb status still says I'm married. I kind of want to change it but scared it will let women see he's single.

When I had my 12 week scan with lacey he refused to put anything on fb about a dc4 - I now know it's because the 18 yr old didn't know. Prick.

Life can't be like that for everyone?

That's healthier, Scorps. You are remembering the bad times now instead of only mourning the good ones. Your friends have seen all this close to for years, that's why they are all pleased for you he's going. How very telling that he should have been a selfish lover (you said a couple of weeks ago that he was good at it, but you didn't add "when it pleased him to be"). I bet you will find you are less "hard work" with someone who enjoys taking the time to make it work for you.

Shocked about the car though. As long as you are married, all assets belong to you both jointly. Neither party has a right to just up and sell something and pocket the money. Definitely challenge him on this, and as soon as you're up and about, grab the very best solicitor. He MUST NOT steal the money your children need to live on.

I know he has paid my dad back £800 he owed from buying his van, but I think I should ask and see proof of where rest has gone.

There isn't really anything else; the house is mine. Ditto everything in it.

He has joined a group on fb called 'you don't know me so don't judge me on what you've heard'

and 2 of his little girly friends (Inc j) has liked it. I feel like writing 'only god can judge you now'

I defy those 'girls' to be left heavily pg with dc4 and to be fine. How fucking immature.

Also another group called 'fuck it you only live once'. Yeah kev, yours will be sad and lonely and the bes you will get is a common teenage girl who thinks you're a catch. You won't be able to touch a life like mine.

It's going to take a saint to put up with how much money time and effort he will be spending on my dc anyway!!

No, sorry, if you're married it isn't just yours, it's half his; just as a car over a certain value (forget what, I think it's £500) is half yours. It wasn't just nice words in the ceremony about sharing everything; it's a legal contract. Doesn't matter whose name it's in. Everything other than certain personal possessions, like jewellery, is held in common. Believe me, you really want some legal advice ASAP. And some money off the idiot before he blows it all.

Our house is a housing association house - I got it when I was 16 and pregnant, it's just my name on it I meant

so do you mean our things - sofa, tv, fridge, his van, etc are all half and half? He has said he doesn't want any furniture from ours. I have to take over the household bills and he will keep his bills iyswim. There is no debt; he has his own credit card, mine is clear. I don't want anything of his, not van or anything.

I should ask about car money shouldn't I.

he sounds very juvenile, as a father of 4, joining silly FB grups and acting like th victim, he rally needs to grow up. thank god the children have you as a responsible role model

Really peed off about the groups, how can anyone think what he's done is ok? I bet they only know his side. He is v much thinking he a victim.
Am biting my Tongue.

Mm, I'm not an expert, that's why I'm strongly advocating you get expert advice! Sounds promising though, and what a good thing you don't have joint debts, that always confuses things. Yes you should ask about the car, that's quite a lot of money.

And what Lulumama said. I stand by my assertion that Facebook is evil. I also strongly suggest you, Scorps, find something better to do with your time than stalking the bugger online. Though it would be tempting to post what you suggested on that fb group, I admit. And you're sooo right about his prospects.

Scorps, don't play his games. It's childish.

Hide him (or better still, delete) from your Facebook for now. Put your phone away. Do not text, IM, e-mail.

Get down to business. Divorce is not some nice agreement, everyone will be friends for ever and ever amen, etc etc. Get legal advice immediately. He WILL be a bastard down the line, and you're going to kick yourself for not dealing with the money issue whilst he still had the car money etc. You know how he is. He will not always think of your kids first. He doesn't even do it at the moment, so he will NOT do it a year down the line. You can not depend on him, not even for the children. This is you and the children against the world now. Don't put your hopes on him being considerate ever. If he is, fine, bonus, but go forward on the understanding that you are in charge of your and your children's lives, and he is nothing but an annoying buzzing mosquito in the background...

Leave him and his teenage fanclub to entertain themselves. They deserve each other.

"I bet they only know his side. He is v much thinking he a victim."

Rest assured, Scorps, no one would believe that a woman about to have her 4th child would end her marriage unless her husband was the roundest, wartiest, shittiest arsehole in the world.

So he wants to tell people his side and have them think he is the victim . . . well erm good luck with that mate.

Just so cross they liked it!! What's to like? That their friend can leave like that? I know he will be saying things with the truth bent.

Oh I'm not going to comment on it, no.