Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Bad night

bad dreams alot too, really violent dreams and dreams he has a gf already

I'm so physically exhausted it's unreal but no one here sits with her if I nap you see and my grandad is coming today from Wales so even more people

I desperately want my old life like when dc3 was born I want to go home to that now please

how am I supposed to do 3 more dc? He will swan off and be fine and look at me ffs

parents expecting me to go home Friday. Haven't told h yet. Friday is the day. What do I say? Loved being with u kev, thanx for the marriage, 4 kids and everything. See you around??!!?

I'm falling apart body and mind. I'm such a mess.

scorps I have read this whole thread through and I am so very very angry on your behalf girl.

Your pain and tiredness are so vivid but so is your mighty strength of character and your ability to love truly. These two things are going to serve you very very well in the months to come.

You just have to accept that you are going to feel shit at the moment - afraid, sad, and myriad other emotions.

Your lovely little baby is going to need all your love and stamina right now and she in turn will love you back to health.

Your H is an abusive, cruel, self-obsessed man who has tortured you. He behaviour is unforgiveable and in time you will see this and be glad that he went. Imagine if he was staying around now? You would be going home to a man you cant trust, who would continue to beat you up mentally, who would smash every last atom of your self-esteem (he has done a very good job already) and your DCs would be the ones who would suffer too.
You would end up much more of a mess my love.

Now look, you will cope. You will cope because there is no choice. You will cope because your baby needs you to. You have a wonderful family. You have RL friends and you have people to big-you up and guide you and comfort you on here. Lean on all of them.

Do not give your selfish weird H another ounce of your thinking time - or s little as possible.

Eat.
Drink.
Force yourself to do these two so that you can keep BF your little one.

In time to come you will be over this pain. You are young and beautiful and life will turn its corner. Draw on every inner strength you have now. Stay arm. Treat yourself. It is your H's loss. He is the stupid tosser and ultimately will lead a shallow life - he sounds like a Dorian Gray.

Keep posting. Nap where and when you can. Babies are bloody resilient and even if you don't think you are doing a great job with her, you are there for her and doing your very best and that will be more than enough.

Big MN hugs to you.

You

Thankyou

dad says this is scraping the barrel time emotion wise. Dads first marriage failed at my age after his baby died. He says to get up and do it because otherwise you won't have a chance, life will happen to you not with you in it iyswim.

I am still at a loss. He's lost his home, wife, 4 kids, income, friends, family.... What could be better? Mum says his short term relief may feel good but she bets the fall will be sooner than thought.

My gp knows us all well, for years has Bern a friend. He asked about h and thinks it's very odd too.

I am wondering about ow, maybe he has got someone pg, affair.... He has said before about 'setting me free' from his hurt.

I just know when h leaves he will go to pub etc and a girl will try and cos he will be able to he will. I keep getting mental pictures of him shagging someone else he said the other day he doesn't care if i do, he doesn't think of me in that ownership way iyswim. I bet it will be about 2 weeks. And he will love the freedom ad opportunity and differences of it all.

Scorps, I've been away from the boards for well over a week, so have missed your posts since before Christmas. You say that your H will go to a pub etc. because he will be able to. Please, don't think like this. You're concentrating on him, not on you. YOU will have the things that are most precious in this life, not him. Your DC's love you very much, as you love them. Being on your own with a newborn is the most totally, completely and utterly exhausting thing to do. Take each hour at a time, make lists of what you need to do (ie. washing, ironing etc.) and take it one step at a time. If you can get some shuteye while baby sleeps, then do so, if not, then just sit on the sofa and relax for half an hour, then do a bit of washing up or something to keep ticking over.

Get all the support in RL that you can. People WILL rally round - it's not an admission of failure to need help, it's an opportunity to keep things stable until you're strong enough to get going again. Take care and have a very un-MN {{{{HUG}}}}

I know exactly what you are feeling. My ex-h left me overnight with a 6 month old baby. He flew to Thailand, immediately engaged i a lot of sex and moved a burmese girl into his place out there within 8 weeks of leving us.

I agonised and agonised just like you are doing, over the why's, the how-could-he-do-this, suffered tortured nightmares about him shagging other women, I blamed myself for months - for not giving him enough sex, over nagging, over being overweight blah blah.

It took me four months before I started to turn some sort of corner.

I badly needed help from anyone and everyone - I wanted all my endless questions above answered, I lost three stone and struggled terribly looking after the baby being sleep-deprived, penniless and crying all the time.

But I came through it. I never believed I would but I did and I have. would. And I did it with no family support on either my side or H's.

He left a year and a half ago.

If it helps to have any sort of timescale (nd each person is different) as I say, it was four months of hell. Anniversaries to get through etc. But the body can only despair and go without sleep and food for so long. I had to fight. Really fight. I would NOT let him get the better of me.

You will start to have those feelings I am sure, too eventually. Your father sounds a diamond. Please listen to your parents.

You H is NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE. He can swan off and fuck up his own life. He has already. He sounds a head case.

Just keep posting, keep leaning on all help at hand. You will triumph in the end. I promise you will. You will because you are loved and because you can love.

Your H is welcome to his meaningless selfish and sordid little life.

It is incredible where we mothers get out strength from. You will stop being so very pained and miserable eventually and get very mad and angry with him. Anger can be a useful catalyst at times of crisis.

Keep going. Do not let him take-away or screw up your precious time with your newborn.

You are doing so very well.

lemony is right. Quite honestly who cares what that tosser gets up to or indeed how he feels? You will be happy. You will know that your children, friends and other family love you. You will be happy. It is shit right now - to be honest with all those hormones raging and lack of sleep I am surprised you are as strong as you clearly are! You are fab!

Thinking of you scorps. Let him go, he truly deserves no more of your tears. Many congratulations on the safe arrival of Lacey! x

Unlikely - my dad says 3-4 months too

chatted with my sister and she says I have no self esteem, I feel fat and unattractive, unworthy of him etc and she says that shouldn't be so.

I do kinda wonder where I'll Be in 6 months, and I bet almost that I will look back at this thread and think WTF you idiot

I need to go to dentist. Lovely. Any more anybody?? My tummy pain has gone now though just bleeding still not right. Breasts have settled too and piglet is happy

Scorps, your face is stunning, and if you're back in a size 8 already, I'm betting your figure is pretty good too! Nobody feels at their most attractive after giving birth, give yourself time and you'll bounce back.

This is just the way he's making you feel, nobody else sees you that way, and when you're ready, you'll meet someone who won't be able to believe their luck.

Are you having any counselling at all? That might really help you. In 6 months time you will be in a totally different place, really you will.

You can do it scorps, You are gorgeous and deserve so much more from life, on your terms.

Stay proud and draw strength from wherever you can. Your faith in yourself will come back and and you will draw a big fat line and make sure nobody crosses it.

I am another one who is a little bit down the line. I have been to hell and back and sometimes just didn't WANT to be strong anymore. To just let go and go with the tide. The DC's help there and also some spirit inside bloody determined that someday, somewhere along the line, I would be happy again and laugh, and enjoy life.

In the end I likened it to surfing, and when the waves were big and scary, I just held my breathe and focussed on getting through, even if nothing more. Then you learn to ride them a bit, or avoid them, or stick two fingers up at them and carry on regardless.

Lean on who ever you need to and don't give up....xx

How are you feeling tonight, Scorps?

I know you're dreading Friday, but I honestly believe that once he's out of your house and life, you'll be able to start moving on even more.

Lacey is beautiful and looks so peaceful - you're obviously doing a great job. x

(It's Sal ex-Christmas btw )

Tonight = rubbish too

cried at dinner. I'm exhautsed and it's taking all my might to stop myself ringing him up screeching but what's the point??

Dad says I don't have to go on Friday but I can't put itnoff forever but i don't want to say it either cos then that's it

have been very bad since hospital trip. He shouldn't have come.

Hard as it is, you're right - you can't put it off forever. Just the fact that you keep dreading Friday with a "that's it" fear indicates that, until then, you're in this limbo. This fear of the unknown. Torture. You will be fine. You will be tired, sad, lonely sometimes (a lot at first), but slowly but surely you'll start healing. You're not healing yet. He needs to go away for you to start getting better. Friday will be good for you. I appreciate that it will not feel like it though.

Once he's gone, you will not be alone. Your friends and family will be at your side, your children will be with you.

darling you cannot expect yourself to be anything other than quite 'rubbish' right now. I could strangle your H for putting you through this at such a precious time.

Has he been in contact at all?

Actually I don't see much wrong in ringing him up and screeching at him. It is no less than he deserves and may get something out of your system.

Just do what you are doing. Letting your family help you and get you through things one day or hour at a time.

Can you post a picture of Lacey on your profile thingy so that we can see her?

You have a lot of RL friends rooting for you my love. That says a lot about you. I am so very sorry you have to go through this heartache.

Don't think about 'friday, D-day, this is it' because actually the bastard is probably going to be knocking about in your lifefor along time to come because of the children.

There will be a time when you might think New Zealand is attractive, 'friday' is long long forgotten as is he, and you can take all your dcs (and possibly your new loving man) and wankfart can go hang.

Hope he gets slapped really hard by some bi-lover so his teeth go wonky.

So very very tired

I need night time help

Hi Scorps

Get all of the rest that you can during the next few days.

We'll keep talking with you and remember that your RL friends and mum and dad will keep helping too.

Was so utterly exhausted last night I was crying everywhere, felt I couldn't go on

lacey slept well though and feel more positive today. I ended up texting him last night and told him how tired I am, how he's not here doing anything, I'm in pain, on meds, fucked basically.

He said when I'm home he can help, he wants Me to sleep etc. I don't wanna share the house with him though so he can't help at nights really.

He must be SO sure what he's doing is 'right'.

In my more with it moments I hate him immensely. Other times I can't believe it's not us anymore iyswim. And I'm scared.

But most of all, regardless of any other thing, I hate him for the last five weeks.

Scorps, my OH died while I was pg and so I had all the newborn nights by myself too. It's utterly, utterly exhausting and scary. You WILL get through this, but it's shit while it's going on.

Like I say, make sure you get as much rest during the day as you can. I know that I sound like I'm preaching, but I wandered round in that daze for weeks and weeks. I just did the bare minimum to make sure that DCs and I were comfortable, the house was clean and we had clean clothes to wear and we ate well. All I could do was to take it slowly, as you must too.

Trying to deal with a situation like this on next-to-no sleep and raging hormones is just dreadful. It makes things seem so much worse. Just take each hour as it comes, don't think ahead too much and try to just concentrate on you and your DCs. {{HUG}}

Thankyou sorry about your dh. The same happened to my nan

he has contacted me today about the boys swimming lesson etc, but not asked about the night, me or lacey.

Twat.

Hi Scorps - sorry you are going through this Can relate to some of it from personal experience. It will be 100 times worse for you because of your hormones and the sleep deprivation. I don't know why men can be so shit when their partners are pg or m/c but it seems this is a catalyst for a lot of men straying. Maybe it is the woman internalising her grief and therefore not being emotionally available to the man - poor weak creatures cannot cope with that

Anyway, I am glad you have lots of support on board. Would your family be able to help with nights? Hope you are feeling physically better soon - emotionally will take some time

Why am I having down times? Is it really just my
hormones? Ihave been so much stronger in other days

My friends keep saying I will come out on top, will meet someone loving one day etc

what if i don't? What if I never fancy someone else what if I never love anyone as much, what if he wad my only go?

It's totally normal - it's kind of a grief cycle you go through, shock, numbness, anger, sadness, ok period and then it starts again and keeps playing until you eventually reach the acceptance stage. That's bad enough on its own without bringing post natal hormones into the equation.

Don't think too far ahead at the moment, just take every day, and even hour as it comes.

Tiny bit more positive today

he wants me to pop home to see lacey and me see boys but I don't want to see him. I think he should come here when I'm in bath or summit to see her. House is big enough that I won't know he's even here.

He rang me today and keeps fb me. Keeps asking how I am, my meds, my tummy/boobs, hopes I get rest etc. Wouldn't let me get off phone either.

It's already Thursday and I have to go home, really. I very much don't want to. I want to run.

Hmmm

Praps let him come while you're out of the way in the bath and still at your mums and then keep him away for a while once you're at home?

Think you'll definitely need some space away from him once you get home and support from others instead.

It will be hard once you're home but will be ok - you'll get through it day by day ok