Have come to see dc and we had another chat. Basically has always been the same - no love, therefore its not going to work, no matter what. I don't think i love HIM, i think its husband/family etc that i aim for.
I realise even looking at him, that a life with him is not for me. I KNOW he will cheat on future gf's.
We have both agreed its weird, end of an era, etc. He will be around alot for dc, but will be moving out the day i return home with Lacey as living together is not for us. I will hope that Lacey will have EBM a bit, so when he comes over i can nap, have a bath etc. He is going to fill cupboards up when i come back with Lacey, and coook up some meals so i dont have to.
It all seems rather friendly, and whilst i want to have sex with him (alot!) thats it, and that will go. We both said we know there will be bad days, but i actually feel this may be ok - fast forward a year - im sure i will be happy hopefully with a BF and my dc.
Even if he did want to get back together, i dont feel i want to - i will always feel inferior, not enough, watchful, and thats no life for me, let alone the dc. its no marriage is it - i mean my parents have been married 30 years and last night mum sat on dads lap, cuddled up. Dad goes off to rugby and mum likes it cos she gets to eat pizza - not because its a break from sneaky phones and feeling inferior and she never sits up until he gets in, terrified.
I'm worried about being alone forever, about more hurt men will put me through...but i guess im not just going to meet 'the one' first off am i?
He said hes not a bad person - well i dont think he will manage a 'proper' relationship again. I like to think i will. I said to mum last night he would do something else to me, but he could leave for OW in 20 years when im 45 and thats far worse than when im 25 iyswim
Yes its going to hurt like buggery when i know hes had sex with someone else. But only because im used to doing that, thats 'our' thing iyswim...not because i want the whole package because hes not the right man for me is he? I will not be doing that with him, ever again. I will worry that he will have sex with someone who ive always 'worried' about but thats up to him now isnt it.
He is upset that he will never live with Lacey or see her being born but he does understand my need of the birth and 'safety' which is good.
My parents said he is permitted to visit their house, but dad says he will have to go out when H is there as he cannot be expected to behave himself (i see what he means)
I feel good since talking to him; we both know it cant work and we both have the same reservations but know this cannot work. We accept there will be bad days, days of missing each other, days of regret, but its each day as it comes isnt it and each day could bring a suprise, a cry, a new interest, even just a productive 'easy' day. We stil lwant to be 'kind' to each other, esp for the dc.
He did say he tried to be everything i wanted, but when it comes down to it he cheated on me when i was pg and chatted her up when i was still bleeding from miscarrying, and thats who he is. He said he didnt wanna cheat anymore BUT he would have and i know this (im right arent i?)maybe not this year or next but definitely again
Anyway I'm off to MW for a sweep tomorrow. I think H may be taking kids to his mothers for a few days, i dont know....he looks down too and probably needs some looking after too.
I'm lucky in that i have no debt to start this journey on, a very supportive family, an ex who will be there and fantastic friends.
I will be ok won't i? I will meet someone one day?
I'm going to need a right talking to some days on here you know