Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Scorps, I was on my own with DS1 for 4.5 years - he was ASD and his father was next to useless and since I have been with DH has had no contact with him (about 11 years now). There will be times when things will get too much but hopefully your H will step up and be a good dad if nothing else. Your parents sound very supportive too.

I did panic when DH upped and left earlier this year because I was over 40 with 4DC and I really thought I couldn't do it all over again (be on my own) but you know what, after the first couple of weeks (when I was in total shock) I just got on with things. I even sorted out DS1's special needs college, arranged the funding etc (which is no mean feat), without DH around (which was another things I found hard to forgive). You see you just deal with things because you have to.

'he could leave for OW in 20 years when im 45 and thats far worse than when im 25 iyswim
'

You know, MIL let FIL get awway with cheating when dh was a boy- he upped and left when she was 55- too late to start pension anew,when hercareer was over physically, at an age she feels is too old to meet someone (it isn't- and it woukldn't be hard, she's truly beautiful in an Audrey Hepburn-esque way)

I bet she would wish she had beena s strong as you 30 years ago

Scorps, just wanted to wish you well with your sweep and let you know that I have started a postnatal thread for the Due in Dec antenatal thread ladies.

think I made a spelling mistake in the title though

Hope that you are able to continue to be strong for your dc and that your birth goes well. You are doing the right thing.

Peachy - a bit like my MIL too

I know I'm doing the right thing for my life. I'm almost sure. Mum and dad agree. There will be bad times but in a few mnths I can leave lacey and go out and that's when things will pick up

I'm going to finish my degree too, and go back to boxing.

I worried about this ATM:

the day he goes
wedding anniversary 19 jan
day I know he has had sex with someone

It always hurts when they move on Scorps, but that is normal- and chances are that will go tits up as fast.I remember finding out my ex'smarried (not all ones I was married to Obv pmsl,2finances and a general ex) and it always hurtregardless of why we split.Well the one that hurt most is now on his 3rd marriage and rumours are that'sstruggling too (in his defence he was adorable, really loved him just couldn't really get to him through his Mum- encountered him at nephew's baptism last year, joint thing and he happened to be other parent, and his Mum was sat behind me with no clue who I was muttering about her DIL in way she used to do with me poor sod (that's both of them))

So you're right to expect it but I would not be surprised if he's the sort that will try nd crawl out the woodwork once you find someone else- so be strong and practisetelling his picture to fuck off.

BTW the rest of the recent stuff bar hthe one big chat (and even some of that) really does still smack of control freakery, and control freaksrank up there with violent men as the scarriest DH's to have, and you have my admiration for escaping so quickly.

Yes peachy mum says that he will freak when he knows ibhave started to see someone

have had looooong shower feel happy

do u know I almost feel as if I will do the best out of all of this

You will. You will meet someone worth having and you will marvel at how different that is. And in the meantime you will get used to not worrying where he is and what he's up to, and that will also be a weight off.

Feeling ok today so far lol

I know when lacey comes she will be a huge focus. I keep thinking of the positives of this and actually there seem to be alot more than negatives! And I don't think I do love him you know. I keep picturing my life with him, past and future and my god it's scary.

I'm scared of the future though - bad times, his new gfs, any more hurt inhav to go through. Mum said he will shag about, it will be functunory, biological, and she said I may well too, but his will never amount to more whereas I will meet someone and fall in real love. I'm worried about long lonely baby nights, no one to tell when I hear something funny or no one who will care in that same way when I cry.... But that's when mum said to come to them.

Have you noticed how none of this stuff is him specific?

Also other people are starting to find out and the pity is weird, it doesn't really help me because I feel it's hard enough already with all the dc and the last 4 weeks has been nothing short of torture really. Mum said me today compared to 2 weeks ago is v improved and to move up each day. Everyone seems to think I will 'win' from this.

I'm still worried about him with ow though - but haven't I been for 6 years??!? Any words about that, how I'll cope? He will do that before I do.

He will? He probably already has. He's an incurable wick-dipper, and it's not surprising you say he's good at it as he's had a lot of practice, one way and another. When you have evidence, rather than well grounded suspicion, that he is with someone else you very likely will feel physical jealousy, assuming your hormones at that point won't have had an outlet; but you won't have any reason to feel emotional jealousy as you know the OW (or OM) won't mean that much to him. He's just faking it to get his end away.

I think, you know, when you didn't let him have a go in the night, it's good not just for your future self esteem (you're nobody's blow-up dolly!) but to help you disengage. The longer you carried on with physical relations, the longer before you could start to move on. You'd still be his territory as it had been recently marked, er, if that makes sense. Having sex sort of drags you back in.

As it is, there will be frustration, but there will also be good times to look to in the future, and a guy who will be good with you because you're good to be with. Then you will say to yourself, "Hey, I thought XH was good at this, but he was an amateur really"...

Er, hope that makes you laugh because it reads kind of silly

thankyou

also when I go home with lacey he is going that same day and I'm worried I will crash as bad as before ecause his absence will be obvious again. But it's not a suprise anymore is it? I don't want to end up in that desperate place of 4 weeks ago again

You were in shock then. You will cope better. Post-partum 'ormones will probably make you a soggy mess anyway, if you're anything like me (I once dissolved into floods of tears watching an old musical because I realised everyone in it was dead - well they'd be about 150 years old if they weren't), but it won't be personal IYSWIM.

Hopefully not. Feels like there is so much to cope with and bear before things will get better. Dad says to stop pre-worrying but I can't help it. Worried about the bad days and having to see him so much even though I know we aren't any good together. Worried about being lonely every evening and life just being a 'get thru the day' time rather than living it at some point

it's also one thing being left with 4dc but totally another when one of those dc isn't even born yet. At least when dc have gone to bed me and lacey can snuggle up in my bed and watch tv, doze and feed in the early weeks.

I am feeling worryish today. Off for sweep in less than hour.

Also last night one of his friends gf fb me and do u know he hadn't eventold his friend he cheated he made out that I was possessive and checking up etc for nowt. Dad said if he had a dog he didn't want off shagging he would have tied it up to the porch and that really, I did nothing OTT.

Had a sweep. He text to ask and was v interested in babys progress

I will be ok?

You will be fine. You're strong.

I'm coming down on the 8th/9th btw.

Scorps I agree with VeeEsss (even if I'm not the quickest working her out ) there are many who by now would have crumbled but not you, you are doing brilliantly!!

now let the sweep work its magic so we can all have a sniff of lovely Lacey

I feel happy here at mums but I will have to see him at some point and that's when it goes down and I don't know how I will manage so much contact in my house with baby.... Ideas? Coping things?

Saw his friend j in pub in town today. Cow. Dunno why though, lol.

nobody is going to berate you for feeling low/vulnerable after baby comes - that happens regardless of your circumstances - just take one day at a time and ask/rant/shout whenever you need to

Mw coming

You're in labour!?:?!?!

good luck darling

Whoo hooo! Good luck!

Good luck - have been reading your thread from the beginning, but have no useful input other than to say how impressed I am with your strenght and resolve. Stay strong!
All the best for a lovely birth!

Another one been following your thread.

Well done for taking control and going to your mum's.

You should be v proud of yourself.

Good luck with your labour!!

She's 5cm dilated!

go go go Scorps!!

wow half way there!!