Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Scorps, what a list
How will you feel about him being at the birth? With your family around you don't need him there. Do you want him there?

I could think of more, I'm very sure.

I'm sure there is alot I don't know of too.

I don't feel like I have it in me to deny him the birth of his child. He has been at all his dc scans and births and I think he will always be in their lives. Mum said something that stuck in my brain - why should he see me so vulnerable, naked, my 'bits', if he is never going to love me or make love to me again?

I have a v df on standby to be my attendee. She will do/be everything I need. Then after for a few days I will stay at my parents with dd2. My dad is cross at me becuase I'm being too nice apparently. I think I would shoot myself every day if he didn't see her being born.

Sinc getting in he said he wants to go to a mates party. Isaid no, u should b here I'm 40+ weeks pg. The. He said what's it to you I will have phone etc.

Just a minute ago I told him no really just fuck off and go, please. Now he's staying in, says hr hasn't done anything and wants to know why we are sitting in silence.

Sorry for spelling etc on iPhone

Well, if he can't be fussed enough to stay in (for a party, ffs) when she could be born any second, he has lost nothing at the birth. Try and stop trying to see everything from his point, he is not that concerned about your children's happiness as he'd like to pretend.

If YOU want him there, fine, but if you feel that you "owe" him this, or that it would be "nice" for him - don't. When he then sulks, tell him that it is his choice to walk out of his children's lives. Because whether or not he acknowledges it, that is exactly what he is doing.

Think carefully what you want. Would it be better for you with a friend there, then straight to your parents? If so, just do it.

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE.

This man is HORRIBLE. How are you not screaming in his face and telling him to get out of your house?!

I'm sorry but I totally agree with your mum and dad. He does not deserve to see you giving birth after what he has put you through. You are the one who will be going through labour: it is about YOU and you are NOT obliged to share it with this selfish, nasty prick.

Fuck's sake, Scorps, really - he is not worthy. He really isn't. I wish you could see that.

Mum and dads hearts are breaking. My dad is a big man (ex rugby etc) and such a strong person. He often rings me to tell me he would crawl the earth to get to me, that he loves me and as long as he has a breath I will always be safe. He cries because this is one thing love, strength or money can't sort for me. My mum can't eat and when I stayed there the other night she kept checking on me.

I, in my heart, thunk I would freak with him there and won't feel 'open' enough to labour. But how can I stop him, live with myself? I've never knowingly hurt another person in my life. What if dd hates me for it? Where will I have her?

Sorry I am trying to see his bad points. My friends and even people on here have commented how obviously I loved him.

Ok, you've said it - you don't want him there. Tell him. If you can't, ask your father or mw or someone to tell him. But under no circumstances can he be there.

I am now going to say it straight - he IS cheating on you, I am sure of that. How will you feel when you realise all this weeks after the birth, thinking you had your special birth moment spoilt by this excuse for a human being.

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to do what is the best. The best is a relaxed, supportive atmosphere. So, in essence, one without him. You'll do her a favour.

For a brief moment, imagine this was Milly, 20 years in. Her husband doing what yours is, cheating, emotionally abusing. You and your new, loving husband are pulling your hair out, crying, willing to give your everything to get her away from him. What would you want her to do???

Nothing wrong with having loved him, he was your husband, after all, of course you loved him.

Now however, he said he doesn't want to be part of you and your children's lives anymore. Fine. Fuck off then.

You can deal with stopping loving him later. For now, make the practical decisions. Your heart will catch up later.

Mum and said I can birth there, stay there from now, but I can't really take the elder dc.

I text my friend and she said she will tell him to go if I want and will take me and new dd to mums asap too, day or night.

I am reading if not commenting

oh Scorps, please listen to them, they're absolutely right this is NOT about him in the slightest anymore, he's made his choices - this is now about YOU and DD2 - YOUR health, YOUR wellbeing and that of your baby

Scorps, I've never had a baby and I've never been married so there's a good chance I'm talking bollocks, but do you think there's any way you could try and see the birth as the marker of a new beginning?

You could do it without him, in a positive way. You could do it with people who you KNOW love you and support you in a completely straightforward, pure, uncomplicated way. Could you let this new life be a new beginning? Start as you mean to go on, iyswim?

Your new baby would never, ever resent you for not having him there! I don't even know whether my dad was there when I was born or not, and we had a brilliant relationship for most of my life (until I found out that he was treating my mum like shit, at which point that changed!)

It sounds to me like you are clutching at straws, desperately trying to find ways to keep him involved. Stop. Stop seeing yourself as a part of him, because you're not. You don't need him, regardless of how you feel now. It will be hard, no question - but a clean break has got to be better than what is happening now.

How would you feel about going to your parents now? See the children during the day etc, but get out of the house when it's just you and them? Try and be at your parents already when you start having contractions.

Because you don't really want to deal with the stress of him going / not wanting to go / making a scene when you're giving birth. Force yourself to look after yourself and your dd first. Honestly, force yourself. Form the words in your head and then say it with your mouth. Ignore your heart for now, darling.

"when it's just you and him", I mean.

He wouldn't dare make a scene, he knows my dad will be there in 5 minutes. I do want to stay at mums but I feel I can't not see the dc, which means seeing him.

I have read the other posts, thankyou I can't scroll up n down well on my phone u see

he wants to know do I want to play the wii pmsl

I am hearing all of u aboutbthe birth. My frends and sisters and parents and mw say the same - why can't I do it? I think it's practicalities of the other dc tbh

I am also putting money away, he won't notice.

I swear if I didn't know you for years on here I'd think this is a wind-up! Wii?????!!!!!

There are too many reasons to list why you should leave this "man"...

I think they feel it's his duty and least he can do, dittany. Their house is all White carpets and magazine featuring, I would feel uneasy with them there for a length of time. Lots of stairs an we live in a flat - dc love it! They have asked me n dc for tea etc but us all staying there is not on the cards for any of us tbh. In a nice way.

Ok Scorps, but can you go and sleep at your parents? As soon as children in bed, go there, and come back in the mornings? That way they won't miss you, you'll get a good night sleep and a LOT better company for the rest of the evening?

I haven't, no, and they would allow it in a heartbeat but it's more my 'decision' not to ask. He is fine with them, has been doing all house things and cooking etc. I think I will stay there tomorrow night, and go day by day.