Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

lol, was hoping for a Christmas baby

Hang in there (talking to you, not baby, baby is welcome any time!)

Steph, you've seen me (lol) and you know I'm probably the most tactless person on this earth.
I found love, eventually.
As will you, someone who loves you the way you love K. Who knows maybe it will be K, but not the K we know now.
Let him go.
you're worth so much more.

I only wish someone would love me the way I have adored that man. I truly did.

I don't even feel pretty enough for a man to look at me.

J says you're hot. And sort out your boundaries, apparently the second you fuck him off he'll want you back.

That's a man's crappy view, but I agree.

Get rid!!

He was cuddling me again in the night. Just cuddles though. Is sulking around a bit.

Saw a baby formula advert - how can he? All the dc got up at 6 today an I was awake alot in the night - how am I going to manage, I will still be healing from birth, plus the others, school, and err, I might like a shower once in a while. Or to possibly leave the house.

Going to go down my parents today I think. So tempted to take dc too and leave him alone, but fear hr would enjoy that more!! I need a nap today.

So tired. He wants tonknow what's wrong today, as he done something to upset me? FFS. Keep seeing pics of the dc as babies and I just know I'm going to fail.

You're not ging to fail. You'll get through.

And he needs to fuck off - asking if he's done something to upset you?! FFS! I garee with previous posters who've said you need to get angry.

His stupidity astounds me. . I'd have killed him by now - good on you for staying this side of the law!!!

Has he done something to...

faint

Planet WHAT?

You'll do a lot better than fail my lvoely. Think about it, seriously, how many times have you coped with him being off on his jollies with your three AND his rather challenging stepson? AND been pregnant, AND been breastfeeding AND generally kept it all together time after time after time.

You're a wonderful mother, a fabulous friend and I can't wait til the day you feel secure enough to see that.

See you in two weeks.

xxx

Weird isn't he. I'm at my parents now until later. Getting really scared of having the baby as he will go then

Scorps, he would have left whether you had baby or not. If you had another month to go now, he'd have left in a week anyway. Don't associate baby's birth with sadness, it's just an excuse he's using. Your baby is your new beginning. You will see that in time.

Scorps,
I have only just had a chance to read your thread today and I am so for you and your darling children.

It's only natural to be apprehensive about the future even in the best of circumstances, but I came on here to tell you not to be scared. From what I can see, you've already been through such a difficult time and faced things with courage and grace. You're a strong beautiful woman, and wonderful mummy. You will get through this with the support of your wonderful family.

The way your DH is behaving is immature, self-centred and takes a certain level of selfishness that's beyond belief. I understand how hard it is, but you must not make allowances for him. There is no excuse for this behaviour. And yes, he may love you and may love the children, but make no mistake who he loves most - himself.

Hard as it is, you need to focus on you for now. You have nothing to lose so I wouldn't worry how he's feeling/or thinking. Just think of yourself and your lovely baby to come. You are so young, and have done so much, regardless of the outcome of your marriage; you have your whole life ahead of you. It will get better, ok?

Take care of yourself Scorps.

One last thing. It sounds to me like his desire to go to relate stems around him wanting to unburden himself of guilt, and that here again he's more interested in himself than you or the relationship?

I think he only wants to go to relate so he can say 'I tried, i went to counselling and everything'.

Thankyou everyone yes I'm realising he is v selfish.

Yes I think it's so someone, anyone will say it's ok to leave. To relieve himself of guilt, and to say I went to relate and I spent £70 a session on it and everything.

I can't really stay at my parents with all the dc but I will be staying there a few days with dd2.

Oh scorps sorry you had such a shitty Christmas, if my DP who is not leaving me soon (well I hope) woke me up in the night trying to have sex with me he would get such a sharp elbow in the ribs he would never do it again, nevermind me being pregnant. Am so on your behalf.

I am trying to think about what I would do if I were you right now, as you know I am pregnant with DC4 too and if DP were behaving like this I would be SO tempted to tell him to sod off right now, I would not put myself through his emotional torture, so you are left hanging on knowing he is going to leave once DD2 is here, has he a time limit? When she is what 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 2 months? When HE decides you can cope? Seriously I know it's hard but I am a bit cut off my nose to spite my face and if I thought he was going to leave I would tell him to f* right off right now. Why should he be at the birth of the daughter he is going to abandon a few weeks later? I know not totally abandon as he will be around for visits etc.

Sorry am just so angry for you having to put up with this twat terified that you won't be able to cope when he leaves you.

Do you have a friend or a family member that could come and stay for a week or two?

Hi sk no there is no one else to stay, and I would need that. My friend is on call for the birth and will be my attendee iyswim.

I would like to kick him out but there is a part of me that just can't let him go

I adore/d him, the shape of him, his mocha-ey skin, his smell, him. I don't know how I will manage not laying eyes on him daily.

I'm so scared, I'm hurt, I feel naked in a room full of people. I feel like I gave that man my soul, my vows, my heart body and mind and I just didn't do it well enough. I feel unattractive, thick, useless, unloved, like I've failed my innocent beautiful children. He can't love me - it's my fault some how.

But yet when he cuddles me in his semi concious sleep I still hope he does. Other times I hate him.

He said he will go when I'm up on my feet. About 2 weeks I think. My baby daughter will be two weeks old. And none of you think I have failed, done something? I didn't love honour and cherish him every day, did I?

I'm so very scared. I want a husband, a family. I bet I never get that.

Hi Scorps, just read through all the posts and wanted to send love and support to you. Noticed in your first post that you said DH had been away for 12 days. Why leave you on your own with the kids for so long at your advanced stage of pg?
Find it hard to believe that his GP didn't diagnose clinical depression, having had some experience of this I recognise the signs.
You can cope on your own, you're stronger than you know.
No babby yet?

No, none of us think you have failed. I can promise you that.

He is not the god you think he is, and once you realise that (and I suspect that won't be until he's actually gone for a couple of weeks), it will be easier to let go of him in your head. Once you see him for who and what he is, it will be easier.

I have had depression too and I recognise it too - highs and lows, tired but can't sleep, can't eat but is being sick alot, hr says a cloud is following him. I think the gp wasn't sure if it was circumstantial or not. There is very little of him left and it's not just me who says that - mutual friends have noticed.

I'm not sure about the 12 days. I think maybe he didn't want to come back but felt obliged. I don't really know why he has done this to me when I'm so pregnant. Any of it, really.

Still pg yes, 40+1 today. Mw wants to sweep tomorrow but I'm not going to.

I really really am scared.

You have not failed. There is nothing you have done or not done that could possibly have made him behave like this. None of us are perfect but a real man, a mature father and husband would not behave in this manner unless you had done something unforgivable (even then I struggle to think what). Please don't blame yourself, he is responsible for his actions.

I am also so on your behalf. To be treated like this when you're at your most vulnerable and needed him the most. I hope that your anger and upset will soon become more than your love for him, so that you can clearly see what type of person he is. Even your enemy would have qualms about treating you like this.