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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm such an idiot and have wasted everyone's time and money

79 replies

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 19:38

Why did I get married? Why didn't I listen to my constant gut feeling?

I hate being in this relationship.

We got married in September this year after being together for almost 9 years. We have two DS's. A four year old and an 8 month old.

DH is, and always has been, chauvinist. Why I didn't see it years ago I'll never know. Every argument is the same. I'm a Childminder and as far as I'm concerned it is a full time job. He says it's just like being a SAHM and I should do all the housework/look after the house plus look after the children. It sounds petty but he complains he gets no thanks for working so hard - well, I can't remember the last time I did either. He thinks Childminding is a nothing job.
I don't like him at all and really struggle to have a conversation with him never mind have a sexual relationship.

I just want to be left on my own with the children - I actually envy my single parent friends. Their lives seem to be full of exciting things and have no stress at home.

He goes out every weekend plus occasionally during the week and is usually out all night then comes in drunk the next morning, laying in bed all day or just completely useless all day.

If he does any washing up or other household job he will remember it for at least a week, using it as ammunition. "Well, I did the washing up on such and such a day"
Fair enough, he cooks most of our evening meals when he comes home from work but he's told me many times he enjoys it, it's his way of relaxing. So why does he throw it in my face (not the actual dinner!) when we have a row?

That is the only thing he does do btw. At the weekend he behaves like a teenage boy. I'm picking up after him as well as the children. The weekend is harder work for me than during the week with two other mindees! I dread the weekends.

I just want to get out and I don't know how. My parents spent a fortune on the wedding and the guests spent a lot of money on us/to get to the wedding. I just feel like such a fraud.

OP posts:

clam · 13/12/2009 19:43

Oh dear. So sorry to read this. Didn't want to let it go without acknowledging.

Supposing, IF he were willing to sit down with you and hear your concerns and agree to work on a way forward, do you think you would be prepared to try? Or do you just want out anyway? And have these issues only materialised since the wedding, or were they there before? And if so, why do you think you've become so cross about them now?

FWIW, what other people/guests at the wedding or whoever, might think is the least of it. They surely wouldn't wish you to be miserable.

Hope others come along and have something more helpful to offer.

belgo · 13/12/2009 19:48

How awful for you. Forget about the wedding - feeling guilty about that is the last thing you need.

Have you spoken to your husband? Would you consider marriage guidance?

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 19:56

He won't listen to me. He interrupts me constantly. He just doesn't doesn't seem to understand at all. He thinks he's perfectly right to think the way he does. Even his best friend took him to one side and said he couldn't believe what he gets away with and he doesn't treat me well (I overheard the conversation at a party a couple of weeks ago) I thought, Finally! If his best friend can tell him then maybe he'll realise and change. No such luck. He told me his friend was wrong and he doesn't know what he;s talking about.

Have thought about Relate but £50 per session is too much for us until he starts he gets his new job and even then, we have to wait so he can pay off his debts so we wouldnt have any spare cash until March.
It needs to be sorted now or never.

OP posts:

MaggieAnFiaRua · 13/12/2009 19:58

yupp bin there. it's awful.

being single is only sad if what you've come from was a good, loving, equal relationship.

i've never regretted leaving.

sarah293 · 13/12/2009 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:03

No not really. I don't know what I'd do though. Neither of us can afford to leave as we have a mortgage and bills to pay. I work from home obviously so I can't leave and he can't afford to live somewhere else and pay half the bills.

I've always had doubts since DS2 but there's always an excuse.
Conceiving DS2 - just stressful due to fertility trouble
Pregnant with DS2 - It's my hormones
DS2 born - I'm stressed because of birth/BFing etc
Wedding - stress because of wedding

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 13/12/2009 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaggieAnFiaRua · 13/12/2009 20:07

ps, if i'm honest with myself, i had doubts about having children with my x, but biology I guess, i tried not to listen to the doubts.

my children were also 4 and a baby when we split and it was a good age.. my dc1 accepted it almost without question and obviously dc2 has never thought twice about it.

I think if i'd left it a few years it would have been harder.

ArizonaBarker · 13/12/2009 20:07

Do you think he realises how serious this is for you?
That you are actually thinking of divorce?

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 13/12/2009 20:07

You can't stay married because of anyone else.

Why didn't you marry sooner?

What made you marry when you did?

Would you have married him if you hadn't already had the kids?

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:10

this is the trouble Arizona. He doesn't believe me as I've made threats before (every row) and never been brave enough to go through with it. I'm dead serious every time though. I just don't know how to physically split up

OP posts:

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:12

We didn't marry sooner because DH didn't propose until so late on! We were happy when he proposed. It was around about the time we were ttc DS2. I found it incredibly stressful as I have PCOS but he wasn't very undestanding

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 13/12/2009 20:14

Could he stay with family/friends?

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:19

not really, not forever!
what do people do when they split up? It's not fair for him to pay for half of our bills plus renting somewhere, even if he was made of money!

The trouble is, he's really good with the children - well, making them laugh anyway
He's also one of those people who everyone likes.
He's a couple of years younger than me which I'm sure makes a difference in man years (no offense to any men out there!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:20

He's a good cook too! I honestly can't think of anything else that's good about him

OP posts:

MumGoneCrazy · 13/12/2009 20:22

Do what makes you and the DC happy
It might not affect the DC now but 5 years down the lne when your both constantly arguing or ignoring each other it will affect them they will pick up on all the bad vibes

Your parents wont care about the money as long as you are happy and if it worrys you that much why not sit down with them and tell them your problems they will understand.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 13/12/2009 20:22

fruitbatlings, don't stay with him because he makes the children laugh. he can make them laugh when he takes them every saturday or whatever you work out. you can rest! and he has to fix snacks, change nappies, mop up spillages, figure out why the baby is crying HIMself, stop the children fighting,,, all without falling back on you.

it'll be the making of him as a father.

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:25

But how do we split up? I can't see how we can afford to live separately.

You are all right. No one will care about the wedding, but I will.I just feel like such a fool!

OP posts:

FabIsGettingReadyForChristmas · 13/12/2009 20:26

You either want to stay married or you don't. That is your decision. Everything else is just details.

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:30

If we could sell the flat then we could work out living arrangements but we have just taken it off the market as it's been on for a year and we realised no one was going to buy it.

How do people physically split up?

OP posts:

tiredoftherain · 13/12/2009 20:31

It's a brave decision to make, but be sure you're ready to make it. I didn't really come out of the post-baby fog until dc2 was almost 2, and then knew for definite that it was over with H. I think splitting before that would have been very difficult for me, I needed H there, even though he was next to useless.

I think I always had that niggly gut thing though, just a tiny bit, but it was always there. I remember having endless panicky dreams where I knew I was getting married but couldn't remember who to. When I woke up and saw H there, I never felt happy and reassured. Should have listened to that one!!

I wish you luck and strength with this. Take your time.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 13/12/2009 20:36

fruitbatlings, you're probably not going to like this answer, but i had to live with my parents for two years.

Splitting up was still the right thing to do though and i have NO regrets. My x used to tell me 'if you go through with this you'll have burnt your bridges, i'll never take you back' and in my insecure state, nervous about the future, i worried that i might change my mind, but i never ever regretted it for a second. saying that, i'm sure my x was far worse. the relationship was SO unequal in every way. i was there to serve him and he was happy with that.

Original poster

Fruitbatlings · 13/12/2009 20:39

I can't live with my parents as I work from home as a childminder and it would mean stopping work. I really don't want to do that as I'd still have to pay my half of the bills for this place.
DH can't live with his parents as there is no room.

OP posts:

MaggieAnFiaRua · 13/12/2009 20:39

ps, living with ones parents is perceived as being so awful, but just after a relationship breakdown, it's a tonic, well, for me it was. i went from having NO help at all ever, to my m&d saying you go out and try and enjoy yourself. also, my eldest hadn't yet started school, so i didn't have to move her, i just had to organise a new school. it was a big adjustment and it was emotionally overwhelming, but i felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

i know most people would stick needles in their eyes before going home to live with their parents! it was a small price to pay for escaping a totally dysfunctional and miserable relationship.

Judy1234 · 13/12/2009 20:39

You cannot divorced under English law until you've been married for a year.
As you married him your rights are much stronger than if you haven't so well done there.
As you are going to get the children then he will be obliged to move out. You will probably get the house until the youngest hcild is 18 or you meet someone else when it will be sold. He will have to pay you maintenance and for the children too. The only problem is going to be if he just cannot afford and you can't to pay the mortgage and bills and he also rent a flat. Can he move in with his mother? Could you both take on more work?

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