I'm such an idiot and have wasted everyone's time and money

[Fruitbatlings]

Why did I get married? Why didn't I listen to my constant gut feeling?

I hate being in this relationship.

We got married in September this year after being together for almost 9 years. We have two DS's. A four year old and an 8 month old.

DH is, and always has been, chauvinist. Why I didn't see it years ago I'll never know. Every argument is the same. I'm a Childminder and as far as I'm concerned it is a full time job. He says it's just like being a SAHM and I should do all the housework/look after the house plus look after the children. It sounds petty but he complains he gets no thanks for working so hard - well, I can't remember the last time I did either. He thinks Childminding is a nothing job.
I don't like him at all and really struggle to have a conversation with him never mind have a sexual relationship.

I just want to be left on my own with the children - I actually envy my single parent friends. Their lives seem to be full of exciting things and have no stress at home.

He goes out every weekend plus occasionally during the week and is usually out all night then comes in drunk the next morning, laying in bed all day or just completely useless all day.

If he does any washing up or other household job he will remember it for at least a week, using it as ammunition. "Well, I did the washing up on such and such a day"
Fair enough, he cooks most of our evening meals when he comes home from work but he's told me many times he enjoys it, it's his way of relaxing. So why does he throw it in my face (not the actual dinner!) when we have a row?

That is the only thing he does do btw. At the weekend he behaves like a teenage boy. I'm picking up after him as well as the children. The weekend is harder work for me than during the week with two other mindees! I dread the weekends.

I just want to get out and I don't know how. My parents spent a fortune on the wedding and the guests spent a lot of money on us/to get to the wedding. I just feel like such a fraud.

x-post sorry.

if you get him out of the flat, you would still have your job, you would hopefully get some maintenance and maybe a bit of one parent family allowance.

you must be exhausted. childminding is your job and you have a four year old and a baby!! you trooper!

Xenia - I noticed the 'married for a year' thing when I was looking up divorce on Google. We both work a long day and are both shattered by the end of the day so we can't get any more work. My childminding vacancies are all full. No matter how much I don't like DH, I wouldn't expect him to pay for somewhere to live as well as half of the bills here. He couldn't afford it anyway. I also doubt I'd get any help from the government as it's a mortgage, not rent

Thank you Maggie - shame DH doesn't think so

Get out Fruitbatlings! You don't even like this man. Your family and your friends will want you to be happy. Your children will thrive with a happy mother. Get your life, independence and autonomy back. This is the 21st century and we women don't have to be stuck anymore. You don't have to be anybodies skivvy. Good luck, sending you lots of moral support.

COuld you sell that place and buy something smaller then so you both remain housed?

thanks jeni - still can't work out how to physically split up though! I'm not looking for excuses, honest. I truly don't know how we can afford to live apart. We live in a tiny flat too so there's no getting away from eachother

yes, all the other problems seem less insurmountable when you're free.

follow your heart. the rest is logistics. don't live your life according to practicalities and logistics..

can't get any smaller than our flat. Unless we buy a studio!

Flat won't sell anyway. We've reduced it as much as possible, it's off the market now after a year of being for sale

what's your mortgage like?

if i were you, i'd sit down with a piece of paper and a calculator and work out what would happen if you split up.

he will know that you're serious then. At the moment he doesn't believe you. Although, even if he started behaving in a fairer way, it doesn't sound as though you still love him.

you are allowed to call time on a relationship that isn't working.

You need to have a chat with a solicitor to see what you are entitled to. That is the first step as it then helps you sort out your feelings. You don't have to take it any further.

You're right Maggie. I'm not sure I do still love him. Certainly not in the same way as before.
Mortgage has actually come down quite a lot but we're still putting the same amount into our bills account as we were before in case interest rates go up again. We're on a variable interest only at the moment after just ending a three year fixed rate.
Once H starts his new job and pays off his debts then he'll have spare cash but not until March

one of my cousins left her dh after one day of marriage. Nobody even thought about the wedding costs, everyone was sorry for what had happened and glad she had made the right choice in the end.

Ring these people...0845 300 3900. This is the tax helpline. I think you will find that as a single parent (you do not need to be divorced just live separately)you have quite a big increase in income. More than likely enough for him to be able to rent a room in a shared house.

It does sound as though he is not taking you seriously, maybe even just making the plans and getting the information will help?

Hi Maggie - I am so sorry your going through this. I feel I must say though as a former single parent - it can be easier in terms of removal of relationship stress but you wont find extra freedom or excitement. With two little ones especially it can be very hard and you need to plan how you will manage financially and have a support network in place before you make the move.

Good luck

zxx

Ok, he's apologised. I will have a talk with him when he gets home from work. Explain to him he cannot continue to think the way he does and if he wants a 1950's wife then he can bloody well go and find one!
See, this is what happens. We fight, I want to split up, then he apologises. It's no wonder he can't take me seriously .
Maybe I'll call that number anyway, thanks for that newnamenewlife
I'm feeling a lot more perkier today. Probably because he's been at work all day and not under my feet!

I don't have a clue what to do for the best really. Do I really love him? Maybe but not like I'm supposed to. I just feel a little dead inside but at the same time think it would just be easier to carry on. When I'm mad with him it seems so straight forward, I just want to end it right there and then but when he apologises I think, just carry on.

FFS, this is so hard. I wish I could look into the future and see if things get better or not! I'd love to see myself in the future, having split up with him, to see what it's like and also see myself, having stayed with him, to see if I remain miserable.

I certainly hard to divorce and we were married nearly 20 years but for most people who divorce you know when it's reached rock bottom (when the Quantum of Solace, as Ian Fleming put it gets to zero - when you get so little out you might as well not be in it). Sounds like he's not giving you much solace. The reference above I expect is to single parent type benefits, tax credits etc. You can by the way even get those if you're split up but in the same place. Some people divide the home although you would have to do it properly, and just whilst he was finding a room to rent. Whichever of you ends up with the child (and no reason it should be the woman of course in 2009) would probably in law get the property and the other would just have to manage on friend's floors, at their parents or whatever until you were both earning a bit more to support two proper homes.

I may be totally wrong here, but I think you like him more than you think. You say he cooks dinner, makes the children laugh etc...I'm not saying you've bagged David Beckham, but really, who has? Maybe there's an element of thinking that somehow everything was going to be 'different' after the wedding, or that he was going to change. I don't think that being single will be the endless fun you're predicting either. Maybe you need to be more realistic about what you can/can't change and be more consistent in your arguments with him, then he may take your issues more seriously.

yeah, it's the whole - "It's your job to look after the house" attitude. He doesn't see my job as a Childminder a serious full-time job which just makes me feel like crap basically.

I know it's not up there with the high fliers in the city and, like any job, it has it's perks but it is a full-time job nonetheless just like he has a full-time job.
I don't see why I should have to 'look after him' like one of the children. It really is like having a teenager in the house quite a lot of the time.

The going out until silly o'clock and sleeping in all day, leaving clothes all over the floor, wet bath towels on the bed. The kitchen is always a bomb site when he's finished cooking (which I have to clear up) and the bathroom is like a wet room when he's finished.

If there are any DIY jobs that need doing, he will "do it later" and if he does ever get around to doing it, it'll be half done.

I know I'm moaning about silly things but oh my god it winds me up and just makes me think, I want a husband not an extra child!
Someone who is equal to me, even someone to look after me for a change. Although he does cook the evening meal so I suppose it's not all bad.

Moan moan moan moan moan - oh how I love MN
I could do with a drink actually, anyone got one?

They had an offer on Baileys at the supermarket today... Would you like mint, caramel or classic?

mmmmmmmmm, all three if there's an offer on!

Fruit you could and will survive without him. I think you know what you need to do (talk to him) but are understandably very scared. I am not saying "leave him", but you cant spend the rest of your life this unhappy

write what you want to say
condense into a few points
get some time
tell him, dont stop till you have told him how unhappy you are

good luck, again you owe it yourself to try and make a happy life

I was just going to say that. Write everything down and make it clear you are seriously considering calling time on the whole thing. Tell him exactly how he is behaving, ie like a disrespectful teenager.
If he refuses to change things, tell him you will apply for divorce papers. You can't go on having him wear you down.

Now I understand that you have mindees during the week so need to keep standards high where they are, but why do you need to clean up after him elsewhere?!

It's time to stop being a doormat, of course he's not going to change, you keep cleaning up after him and he has no incentive.

It's time to make a stand. Do NOT pick up after him. If he leaves wet towels on the floor of the bathroom and you need to move them for the mindees then put them in his side of the bed. Same with the washing up, if it's not done and you need the kitchen clean for the mindees, pop all the dirty dishes in his bed. If he goes out late and comes staggering in next morning DO NOT let him sleep it off! Tell him you have things to do. Take the sheets off the bed (so he has to make it before he gets in. Hoover the bedroom. Put very loud music on. And ignore all his complaints.

He is being an arse, but you don't have to put up with it. It's time to protest. And every time he tells you caring for DCs is not a real job say, "Oh thank God you think so! I was worried about asking you to look after our DC while I go and visit a mate and we go partying this weekend. I thought it might be too much for you, but since you're so confident I'll call the girls!"

Thank you.
Yes, I am a bit of a doormat.
The trouble is, our flat is so tiny, if there is anything left lying around it looks cluttered. He will even complain we have too much stuff (we actually don't and have cleared out an awful lot - just looks like we have a lot because of the space)

We've been getting on a bit better the last couple of days but this is how it goes. Up, down, up, down, up, down. It does wear me down - him too.

I think I'm quite highly strung, although he is the only one who will say I am, everyone else thinks I'm very chilled out. If I tell anyone he thinks I'm highly strung they look at me like this
He is so laid back he is practically horizontal! It's the way he was brought up. His parents are so incredibly laid back it's quite annoying as you can't plan anything!
We are complete opposites. I'm surprised we've lasted 9 years tbh. I think, if we hadn't had DS1, we would have split up a long time ago.
Now it's difficult because we have a mortgage and bills and our two little boys.

I've tried talking to him but he interrupts me as soon as he disagrees with what I've said. I'm hoping we can go for councilling once he gets his 1st pay from his new job.
Money is a huge stress. Practically everything we earn goes into bills.
It's so disheartening as we both work so hard and work long hours and get nothing in return.
Now, his new job starts in January and he will, effectively, be earning almost double. We'll see if that will change things ...........

stuffing - he doesn't mind me going out at all. Luckily for him, his parents live around the corner and are only too happy to babysit so he can go out too

Reading this has made me really feel for you. And your last comment is a telling one - your live around the corner from your ILs, and they are happy to look after the DCs when he's supposed to be babysitting? what else are his ILs happy to do for him? And does his mum allow him to treat her the way that he seems to treat you?

TBH, it sounds like your life is very full-on and stressful, dealing with kids all day, and then one extra one at night / weekends! The ££ concerns sound like the icing on the cake. I completely see why you're p!ssed off that he fails to recognise how hard you work, and how selfish he's being.

If you're really serious about the need to move out & be separated from him, are there any options for you (given your job) outside of living with your parents? I know you've said that your flat was on the market for ages & didn't sell, but could you rent it out and you both live elsewhere?

IMHO, if there is ongoing stress & antagonism between parents, kids will pick up on it eventually. And in the long run, if leaving your H will mean that you are happy, and able to be the best mum you can be, then IMO that will be the best situation for the DCs. A key thing is for the separated parents to be united in their co-parenting ... easier said than done, but my DH's parents managed to do this (they split when DH was 7yo) and as a result both DH and his brother have been able to have really healthy, stable adult relationships. It seems that the key was separating before the relationship flew down the slippery slope towards all the emotions of dislike & stronger.

Sorry for epic post. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. But remember that a relationship is all about compromise ... and if only one participant is doing all of the compromising, ...