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Relationships

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Original poster

moving in with DP and financial commitment

43 replies

sparkybint · 13/12/2009 10:47

I'm planning on moving in with DP late spring/early summer next year after 9 months of being together. I know he's the one and I've never been happier. I'm divorced and own my house outright and the plan is that I put down half and he puts down the other half on a new place. I'm very wary of the financial implications of getting married so don't know if I'll bother again but who knows. Right now he's renting and some of my friends have suggested I move into his rented property first so we can make sure living together works without having to commit financially. There are various reasons why he can't move in with me.

I could either sell my place or rent in out until we decide what to do. It would mean my DD (10) would have to move twice though, first into his place and then to our new one and I want to disrupt her as little as possible. Anyone else been in a similar situation? If you've decided to live with someone after having been on your own for a while, have you bought a place together? (ASBM, I know you've taken the plunge recently, how's it going?)

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/12/2009 10:51

why can't he move into your place if you're planning to test the waters with regards to living together?

expatinscotland · 13/12/2009 11:21

sorry, but i wouldn't sell your home to move in with a guy you've only been goign out with for 9 months.

there's no such thing as 'the one'.

and personally i wouldn't risk my greatest asset just yet.

how about you both rent a place together first and you rent out your home if he can't move in with you.

fluffles · 13/12/2009 11:26

i'm in my DPs flat and renting mine out - we'd been together about 2yrs when he asked. we're now engaged and i'll be selling my flat at some point (when we next decide to move) and putting all the money together into our next home (my dream is to live with the lowest possible mortgage for the size of house we need).

it made me feel a litle less worried about moving in with him, but practially it has been costing money... but that's cause i still have a mortgage on my flat, if yours is mortgage-free then by moving in with him you'll both be making money in rent which you can put towards your future together.

will your new place be mortgage-free? i think that going from mortgage-free back into debt is a big step...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2009 11:27

I would tread extremely carefully as well, you could end up in one hell of a mess with regards to the property if the relationship was to end.

Why can't you stay as you are and in your own house. Nine months after all is but a very short time in relationship terms.

Original poster

sparkybint · 13/12/2009 12:03

Thanks all. He can't move here because he's disabled and my house is totally unsuitable, also too far for his work and I want to move to his area which is where my parents live as well. I'm not working right now so my job isn't a factor.

Fluffles, I think you did the right thing and that's what I'd like to do and yes my place is mortgage-free and I wouldn't take out another mortgage. Agree with you too expat, have worked long and hard for my home and too early to put it at risk. Just hope DD will be OK about moving twice but she'll have a nice room at his place so will hopefully feel at home.

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mrsboogiefairylights · 13/12/2009 12:32

are you really sure he's the one?

Original poster

sparkybint · 13/12/2009 13:37

Yes mrsboogie, no doubts whatsoever! I didn't believe in the concept of "the one" before I met him (and I've had a lot of practice with unsuitable men) but it felt right from the moment we got together. Am a realist though and know that nothing in life is certain, far from it.

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Earlybird · 13/12/2009 13:41

If you don't mind me asking, why doesn't he own a flat/house? What has stopped him from buying?

Simply asking because you've managed it, and wonder if you both have the same financial philosophy/goals.

Is his employment history stable?

MollieO · 13/12/2009 13:44

If I met someone now I doubt I would ever sell my house. Someone I know met the 'man of her dreams' and was about to move in with him. They had been together about a year and she was utterly convinced that he would be he life partner. He appeared to feel similar. So she gave up her house - renting but had been there many years and the rent was below market and she knew all her neighbours (including me - very sociable road).

About a week before she was moving in her dp finished with her. Completely out of the blue (I know him too as he was a near neighbour). She then had to find somewhere else to rent as the landlord had decided to give the house to one of his children. She now lives in not such a nice house on a busy road at a far increased rent.

Morloth · 13/12/2009 13:55

I think you need to keep your biggest asset tucked away nice and safe. As others have said 9 months really isn't that long.

How about selling your place and buying a new one in the new area in your name only? If only because you would like to be closer to your parents.

You would then still have the financial stability and could invite him to live with you and your DD if you like.

Original poster

sparkybint · 13/12/2009 14:03

earlybird, he's recently divorced and the family home was sold and he's renting with the intention of buying (he wanted to do this before he met me). He was happy that his ex got most of the proceeds from the house sale so she could buy a new place. He has a very stable work history with a great job. A real achiever who despite a terrible car accident 10 years ago which left him in a wheelchair, has rebuilt his life. I love him to bits.

I do take on board what everyone says and ideally would love to hang onto my house indefinitely and just rent it out. But I absolutely don't want to take on another mortgage and although he's on a good salary,
his divorce settlement means he doesn't have a huge amount in other investments and if he bought on his own could only afford a relatively small place (we have 3 kids between us). If we did buy together it would be as tenants in common which ensures that if you go your separate ways, your share is protected. And surely lots of people buy together these days, friends for example, because they can't afford to do it on their own.

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Original poster

sparkybint · 13/12/2009 14:04

Just seen your post Morloth, that's a good idea but wouldn't be able to afford much as it's an expensive area. Will think on it though.

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Earlybird · 13/12/2009 14:05

Thanks for explaining. I feel much more reassured, on your behalf!

mmmwine · 13/12/2009 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Size6Feet · 13/12/2009 23:50

Kept thinking when reading this "what about your dd's inheritance?!" So glad you are aware of the Tenants in Common thing. - Wish I'd known about that before I committed. I wish you luck but think 9 months is not very long.

jasper · 14/12/2009 00:33

sparky, I think your plan is just fine (move in with him for a bit first) then if all is well, sell up and get a joint place.

If you can afford it I would not even rent out your own place in the interim.

Good luck!

rookiemater · 14/12/2009 09:50

I think if it were just yourself then you could afford to follow your heart.

I knew within weeks of meeting DH that he was the one and when, after we had been going out for about 6 months, he started looking at 2 bedroom flats for himself in my town I surprised myself ( cautious risk avoidant) by suggesting I sell up and we buy jointly. I have never regretted that decision and I wish you the best in your relationship.

Therefore I don't particulalry think the length of time you have known him is the barrier. It is more that you have a responsibility to your DD to exercise caution in your plans and perhaps as jasper says you could rent your own place out and move in. If this chap genuinely loves you he will be pleased that you are taking your DDs and own financial security seriously.

Original poster

sparkybint · 14/12/2009 11:22

mmmwine, yes I must have and yes thanks, we are very happy! I appreciate the comments this morning ladies, size6, yes I have a lawyer friend who made me aware of this. What's your situation, can't you change it?

Rookie, how lovely that everything worked out. Are there kids involved in your situation? I also have the issue of DD's dad being totally resistant to me moving because DD would be an hour away from him rather than on his doorstep so have to factor in so many things.

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emsyj · 14/12/2009 11:44

I bought a place with my now husband after we'd been together less than a year and people thought we were mad, but I just wasn't worried. We're still together (obviously!) and still happy six and a half years later - married with a baby on the way. Being with someone for X number of years doesn't make it any more likely to work out - people get married after 10 years together and divorce within the year. If you're sure, you're sure.

rookiemater · 14/12/2009 17:56

Hi Sparkybint, no there were no kids involved then although we have a DS now, which is why I urged a bit of caution.

I think in your situation it would be less unsettling for your DD to go through two changes of property than for you to rush through stages of the relationship.

Does your DDs father have a lot of contact with her ? If he is involved, then it would be a shame to move her so far away, can you compromise somewhere in the middle ?

Original poster

sparkybint · 14/12/2009 19:12

Hi rookie, yes DD's dad has a lot of contact and it makes things so much more complex. It's a question of either I put my life on hold until she leaves home (10 years off and I'm 52 already) so she can stay on her dad's doorstep or I act "selfishly" and move her an hour away from him but ensure she still has as much contact as possible. No compromise possible unfortunately.

He knows about my proposed move and suggested she stay with him during the week so she goes to the same school and I have her at weekends. Apparently he's suggested this to her and she thinks it's a great idea but as a mother I don't much like the thought of 4 nights out of 7 without her. Currently she's with him 4 nights out of 7 and that's enough for me. Or would it mean I could test the water and move in with DP in his rented accommodation without disrupting DD or selling my property and take it from there?

OP posts:

rookiemater · 14/12/2009 20:21

Gosh it is a difficult one, particularly as your ex has already discussed it with your DD.

It does appear as if you, well actually not you but your DD, is the one in the partnership who will be making the most changes. What is your DP saying about this, what does he want to happen ?

Is your DD still in primary school, if so maybe a compromise is that you move in with DP and then if its still going strong then she changes school at secondary stage. My DS is young though so I don't know if this would be more or less disruptive for her.

Mongolia · 14/12/2009 20:57

If you move away and leave DD with her dad, by the time you are ready to move her with you, your ex would have a very good case to keep her with him.

I believe that there are lots of people that may come and say that you are selfish by making contact with her father more difficult, but you can not put your life completely in hold either. How about you and DD moving in with boyfriend during the school holidays? it is not ideal but, you may get an idea if you would like to live in that area and with him. You would also be able to appreciate how the three of you interact as a family.

But before you go into all that, consider the possibility of talking to a solicitor about the subject. It may be that having your DD 4 nights out of 7, and your child going to school in the local area, may mean that you may not be totally free to take her with you.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2009 09:25

No, you can't put your life on hold, but when you have kids in a situation like this, their needs trump your desires.

Sorry, but if I were your ex I'd probably wind up taking you to court.

You say 'as a mother'.

But your ex is a parent, too.

'He knows about my proposed move and suggested she stay with him during the week so she goes to the same school and I have her at weekends. Apparently he's suggested this to her and she thinks it's a great idea but as a mother I don't much like the thought of 4 nights out of 7 without her'

I don't see what's wrong with this arrangement.

You are the one who wants to move in with your new partner.

All actions have consequences.

Why is it your daughter is the one having to have the bulk of these consequences pass onto her?

Think to do what is right it to do what is best for your DD.

Original poster

sparkybint · 15/12/2009 10:03

I've actually done a lot of thinking and this is what I've decided to do. I'm going to move nearer DP but buy my own place. The area would be very close to my elderly parents too who are beginning to rely on me more and more, it's where I grew up. DD would go to the same primary that me and my brothers went to. It would mean I could see DP a lot more (we're currently 60 miles apart) but not rush anything.

When and if the time comes to move in together, we'll get a place and take it from there. I think I've been putting the cart before the horse and rushing the relationship instead of deciding what's best for me and DD. I hear what you're saying Expat but I'm not taking her to another country (just another adjoining county) and I think I'm doing the right thing. DD adores her grandparents (she's their only grandchild) and it would be very good for her to be on their doorstep. My ex could have her 2 out of 3 weekends if he wanted. He has a new family anyway and a disabled baby as well as another daughter by another woman so has his hands full {biscuit}

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