moving in with DP and financial commitment

[sparkybint]

I'm planning on moving in with DP late spring/early summer next year after 9 months of being together. I know he's the one and I've never been happier. I'm divorced and own my house outright and the plan is that I put down half and he puts down the other half on a new place. I'm very wary of the financial implications of getting married so don't know if I'll bother again but who knows. Right now he's renting and some of my friends have suggested I move into his rented property first so we can make sure living together works without having to commit financially. There are various reasons why he can't move in with me.

I could either sell my place or rent in out until we decide what to do. It would mean my DD (10) would have to move twice though, first into his place and then to our new one and I want to disrupt her as little as possible. Anyone else been in a similar situation? If you've decided to live with someone after having been on your own for a while, have you bought a place together? (ASBM, I know you've taken the plunge recently, how's it going?)

I didn't mean biscuit I meant

sounds like a plan!

Expat, have you ever been in that situation? it is very easy to hurl the "your children first" thing when you have not been there. Obviously, in theory is a fantastic thing, in the practice is never as black and white.

Besides, one thing that every single mum can tell you is, that the only way to survive and perform as a good mother to your children is for you to be OK and reasonably happy. If you are not, is terrible for the children mainly for one thing: that mum is possibly the one and only person who is keeping the children life in track and ensuring their stability.

Asking a woman to put her life in total hold to maintain regular contact with the ex, is the same as asking someone to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children.

Obviously if the circumstances are right that is a fantastic thing, but if they aren't, well compromises have to be made. Even the courts acknowledge that.

i've been in the situation of the child, mongolia.

guess that doesn't count.

If your ex has your DD 4 nights wouldn't the courts see him as primary carer?

If he want to court and your DD didn't want to move I could see this getting difficult.

I can't see the argument that it would be better for DD to be nearer her grandparents and further away fro her Dad.

Let her stay with her dad in the week. Contact and living arrangements cannot be arranged purely on your feelings - you have to consider hers too.

I have seen you here, saying wonderful things about your parents, Expat. Is there any possibility they were so lovely and good because they took decisions that allowed them to be happy? just a thought.

However I agree that there are an awful lot of things to consider when taking these decisions.

Woops, I meant she currently sees ex 3 nights out of 7 not 4. Mongolia, I'm comforted that you can see where I'm coming from. And I've decided that I can't be living half a life indefinitely to allow my ex the same level of access. If he sees her 3 out of 4 weekends and has more time with her than me during the holidays, she won't be missing out that much.

I don't think I'm being selfish, she'll still see plenty of him, she'll see more of me because as she gets to know DP I can include her more often and she'll have the benefit of more contact with her grandparents. I do have a right to happiness and family life again and I'm fed up with being a single parent. My ex has moved on and I won't be able to until I can move to where I want to be.

Nine months is still very little time in the whole scheme of things. Your DD would also perhaps have to move schools and leave her former friends behind. That can be hard going for a youngster.

Of course you have a right to both happiness and a family life but as the saying goes fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
I am not suggesting outright that this is all going to go horribly wrong, absolutely not, but what you decide will ultimately affect your child in one way or another.

How does your DD actually get on with this man?. What about his other two children, could the three of them happily co-exist in the long term?. How well do these three know each other?.

Blended families are hard work and you're wanting to take on more responsibility than ever.

"DD adores her grandparents (she's their only grandchild) and it would be very good for her to be on their doorstep".

Yes but how much of a relationship has she had with these people to date?.

Many people will come to rely on you - not least of all your parents, your daughter, any stepchildren he has and your new partner.
Can you really handle this?. Am not suggesting btw your could not but you could end up getting pulled in many different directions whilst not being able to give enough attention to them all. How would you feel for instance if your own DD ended up getting treated differently to his own children?. You certainly need to think carefully here; is this really the best move for you and your DD?. A lot more thinking time not least of all discussion between all interested parties needs to happen here.

Some children do end up as well losing all contact with a parent, usually their father, around two years after separation. Do not let this happen to your daughter, you must still keep the lines of communication open. Your ex is still her Dad and she still needs to have a relationship with him if that is her choosing. She will thank you one day for making it easy for her to see her Dad.

Hi Attila, thanks for your comments. She's had lots of contact since birth with my parents and their home is like a second home to her. I do appreciate not rushing anything with regard to getting involved with a new family and to that end am not going to rush moving in with DP. I may well sell my place here, move in with my parents for a while and take it from there. One possibility is that I buy a place on my own nearer him and take it from there.

Am already looking at schools - DD's already expressed an interest in the wonderful school that I went to, it's private but if I made enough on my house sale I could afford it for just her last year in primary education. And would never allow breakdown of contact with her dad - why would I? It gives me a break when she's with him!

'I have seen you here, saying wonderful things about your parents, Expat. Is there any possibility they were so lovely and good because they took decisions that allowed them to be happy? just a thought.'

Um, no, Mongolia. They took decisions to keep us in schools they thought best for us and keep a roof over our head.

Unfortunately, during the oil crash of the 80s, that meant my dad had to work abroad a fair amount or lose the house.

Because they had a strong sense of duty, that if you don't want to put your kids first when it hits the fan, don't have 'em, or, as my dad put it: if you want an easy life, don't have kids.

Just a thought.

'Asking a woman to put her life in total hold to maintain regular contact with the ex, is the same as asking someone to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children.'

PANTS! No one is saying break up with the guy! Or even don't move in with him, so how is that putting one's life on hold?

And why are you making this just about women?

When you have kids, regardless of one's relationship status, life becomes a compromise because it's not all about you and just what you want anymore.

Sounds like you're a sensible person, sparky!

Hope you all find a way to move forward.

With attitudes like yours, I'm certain you all will.

thank you Expat! It's a tough one and I wish there was any easy answer but I do believe it's for the best.

You've done your homework and have your head on your shoulders.

Just look after your own best financial interests, as you know, just in case of unforseen events and circumstances, life is like that, and you'll be fine!

I'm not making this just about women Expat. The only thing I'm saying is that the mother is also important, because if the mother is happy, it is more likely for the child to be ok.

I'm at the moment surounded by many people who are dealing with the casualties of divorce: women who don't allow their exhs to see their children out of spite, women who had insisted in thinking in the children and promote contact with the father just to have the children abused and neglected during contact times. Women who are trying to survive in poverty to ensure the children have contact with the father. Fathers that are doing ALL the parenting of the children because the mum can't be bothered, and many other issues that make me question my faith in humanity.

Obviously, there are the not unusual cases when all the circumstances are right, and children can grow happily in touch with both parents. There are many others when things are not straight forward and in those cases, it is not ALL about the mother, it is NOT all about the children, and it is NOT all about the father. It is about finding the solution that works better for ALL parts involved, even if that solution is not perfect for each of the parts.

What a great post Mongolia, I'm getting it from all sides, even my own family and at the moment I'm thinking it would just be so much easier not to move and be miserable for the next 10 years

Some people are making me feel so terribly selfish and it's hard. I'm getting comments like "you're putting your own needs first" quite a lot so maybe I should just be a martyr and let my ex, who treated me abysmally incidentally (although I know that's got nothing to do with DD and I shouldn't let it influence anything) have as much easy access as he wants.

Sorry for semi-rant, feeling a bit hopeless about it all this morning, must be the cold.