Evidence is he's probably cheating. How to deal with this?

[worriedbee]

Regular but namechanged as DP knows my mn name.

I really don't want to believe it but the evidence seems to be there.

1. A condom is missing. I know because I only just bought the box, we've had sex twice, but 3 are gone. And not just gone, but ripped off - it hasn't just fallen out somewhere - someone has torn it off.

1. On his phone a young female work colleague who lives in his home town has sent a text saying she's passing through (our new) town, does he want to meet up.

1. His call history said he called her when he was back home a few weeks ago.

1. I challenged him about the missing condom (but not the calls / text). Since then he has deleted the text

1. A few days later he deleted all calls

Clutching at straws here, but here are the things which are stopping me heading for the door:

1. when I challenged him about the condom, he was very convincing - not just that he had no idea how it's gone, but is very happy in our relationship.

1. We have been getting on so well recently.

1. I can't imagine when he would have had time to actually conduct an affair here! He runs his own business with a couple of people who are good friends of mine. The last few weeks he has either been working from home or with the other guys, I know for a fact. The only possible unaccounted time is perhaps an hour at 4 in the morning. This would include travel time, I find I hard to believe he's driven somewhere at 4, fucked her and come straight home?! Why not hang around a bit longer. Although if there is something going on, perhaps he took the condom hoping they'd get a chance, but didn't actually find the time, this time.

1. We have a baby together.

The evidence doesn't look good does it? But the thing is I challenged him, he denied it, sounded very convincing and I accepted his denial, at least on the face of it. Where can I go from here? I don't want to be constantly full of suspicion. I lived with a jealous man and it was horrible. If there's any chance I'm wrong, I don;t want my lovely DP to have to live in that kind of climate.

Fuck.

I love this man, and really want my DS to grow up with his dad. But it's also important to me that the relationship is genuine.

Is there any chance he's not cheating do you think, or is the evidence just too damning?

What would you do?

Some more thoughts. He talks about future plans as a family all the time, and is obviously delighted to be a dad, so if he is cheating it doesn't seem to me he wants to break up, more to have his cake and eat it.

The fact he deleted the texts after I challenged him isn't necessarily evidence of cheating. When I lived with my jealous ex I deleted texts from male friends which were totally innocent, but I knew my ex would get suspicious so deleted them anyway.

In the other hand, the fact that we're getting on well doesn't mean he's not doing it, if he's of the have-my-cake-and-eat-it type.

I have a horrible sinking feeling

I think you are overcooking this one.

There could be several reasonable explanations. From your account, an affair doesn't add up.

I hope I am right on this one!

Either of two things.

1. Condom genuinely missing or you had sex and cannot remember. Then on confrontation he thinks you are suspecting he is up to no good. This friend could well be platonic, and he has deleted to avoid you making 2+2=5.

1. He is up to no good and covering his arse as he goes.

No idea which one, but hopefully the first.

I haven't challenged him about the calls as I can't bring myself to admit to him that I've been snooping through his phone. Although I m happy with my own conscience that a missing condom does give me good reason to snoop, it still feels like a breach of trust. I'm worried - what if I am wrong and I fuck up a good thing with jealous style behaviour.

Allets really?! That really does give me a bit of hope actually.

I thought people would say I was stupid to doubt the evidence.

Things are going round and round in my head and I think I may be losing perspective a bit.

Mmmm, the condom thing would really worry me. Where do you keep them, presumably in the bedroom somewhere? If you're TOTALLY convinced that he must have taken them, then him saying he has no idea is not acceptable. Are you sure there's no other way they could have disappeared? Is it an ex-work colleague? If so, it's not appropriate that he's in contact with her without you knowing about it. What made you check his phone in the first place, did you have suspicions? In my experience, you don't start checking up on a man for no reason.

I never trusted my ex and found all sorts of evidence that he was cheating (including missing condoms) but decided to ignore it. I trust my current DP down to the ground and it wouldn't even occur to me to check his phone or whatever. You have to trust your instinct and the fact that you're not happy with his explanation. I don't think you can tell him that you've been checking his phone but you can tell him you're not comfortable with what he's told you about the missing condoms. You can't ignore this but I think you need to get to the bottom of it before you do anything definite.

HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy I really hope so too.

The thing is he's not a conniving person by nature. And if he is too stupid to buy his own condoms when having an affair, then I reckon the truth will out eventually.

The thing that's doing my head in is that the condom has definitely gone somewhere. (Sadly far too sober these days to have sex and forget, sadly!)

Maybe you had s*x and forgot? I only say that because, well, would he really be silly enough to take them from the box in the house, especially 3!

sparkybint, I've challenged him about it and he's denied it, so I'm a bit stuck as to where I can go from here.

I'm suspicious because this isn't the first time. I have caught him taking a condom out before, when he attended a work away thing, at the beginning of the relationship. He lied when caught, only admitting it when he realised he been caught out.

The thing is though, that time, the condom was still in his bag, unused, he swore he'd been talking about me and our DC all weekend, had no intention to cheat - he didn't know why he took it - he blamed force of habit and being rubbish at packing just throwing everything in a bag without thinking. He apologised profusely and swore his love and faithfulness to me, and was very convincing.

At the time it actually cleared the air - he's a very private person as regards his feelings, and it was nice to hear him profess his love for me! I had been feeling paranoid before.

I find our relationship difficult sometimes because al my significant ex-partners have been heart on the sleeve, declare your undying love types. I have been used to constant reassurance of their feeling for me. However they have also been unstable nutters, who I'm well shot of! My DP is lovely, and shows his love in actions - he's kind, caring and supportive, level headed and reliable but very fun. But he doesn't show his feelings much. I could account for my paranoia because I'm just not used to being with someone so private.

Now it's happened again though I have a sinking feeling. Could it just be a horrible coincidence,

I meant to say. Could it just be a horrible coincidence? I hope so but am I being stupid?

Queenofhearts22 - that's what I thought the first time, but it would seem so. It does give me hope in a way - if he really is stupid enough (normaly a very intelligent man, though!) to do that, then he's really not very good at hiding his tracks, and the truth will out, eventually.

Queenofhearts22 - only 1 is missing (3 used in total, but 2 by us).

Ah right ok - but still, why would someone take 1 from such a small pack where it is clearly noticeable? Hope you're ok

I think if he was cheating, he'd hardly take a condom from your pack. He'd buy some somewhere and keep them hidden.

deleting texts - I delete texts all the time because I don't want to have the inbox so full that it takes me ages to find an important one.

It really doesn't sound like he's up to anything. If he wanted to meet up with an old friend for a drink, that's fine! The only reason I think he might not tell you is because you seem to him to be a bit paranoid.

If your suspicions are there, I don't think they are going to go away. The fact that he lied previously about a missing condom - and it's happened again - would be the deal-clincher for me. The fact that you confronted him about it means that if he is up to no good, he'll just buy condoms from elsewhere.

The phone is usually the best clue, so see if you can check recent bills. I assume you made a note of the work colleague's number?

Being happy in a relationship does not preclude infidelity. People always make time for infidelity and "being at work all the time" could mean he's not actually at work at all.

Packing a condom the previous time "out of force of habit" doesn't sound plausible to me at all. He probably didn't think it was plausible himself either, hence he lied about it.

Do some detective work, but be very aware that now he realises you are suspicious, if he's got half a brain, he will be covering his tracks.

This time, when he took one there were 9 left. It was obvious it had been taken because they come in pairs, and there were 3 singles.

The first time, though, when I know he definitely took one, it was one of only 2 left!

I really don't know how he thought I wouldn't notice the first time, the mind boggles!

If I was having an affair I'd at least buy my own fucking contraceptives!

Weird to take a condom on a work trip when you have a wife and child at home imo. Even if it is habit. It's like taking a hairbrush when you have a shaved head - possible mistake but not really probable...

Hope it is all nothing. But I agree that the suspicion usually comes from something more (instinct, untouchable things) - so keep your eyes and ears open....

Hmm. Are you sure there is no other possible explanation for the missing condom? Did you count them when you opened the box? Maybe it was a manufacturing fault and they just didn't include the right number. Or maybe a cleaner/babysitter might have taken one, or if you have an older child who might have just been curious? (My DS1 has been known to pilfer tampons, thinking they were 'missiles' )

I would be suspicious, but it's certainly not glaringly conclusive evidence. He hasn't been noticably absent, which is a good thing. When he went missing for an hour at 4am, did he have any explanation for where he'd been, or did you just notice he was gone?

Also meant to say - any chance your child took the condom or a neice or nephew etc?

mumblechum - what about deleting your call list? I can justify the texts, but that's pretty suss to me. And come to think of it, he deleted his call lists around the time he last worked with this woman. Is there any reason to delete call lists other than to cover tracks?

The thing is though, my instinct says that things are good between us. It's the evidence of cheating that's doing my head in. I'm finding it hard to keep perspective - now I'm suspicious am I maybe seeing things in a tinted light and - like hugebaubles said making 2+2=5?

People are astonishingly stupid when in the grip of something like this. My H's OW suggested they use some of her husband's condoms - my H suggested the H might realise some were missing and so volunteered to bring his own.

My H failed to delete texts from his old phone, which he gave to our son (fortunately they were unread by our son, because he mislaid the phone almost straight away and my discovery happened when I found it buried at the back of our understairs cupboard, 6 weeks later).

My H realised that his phone bills looked terrible, so he destroyed them, moved to online billing, but he got our shared PC to remember his passwords. It was incredibly easy, having found the phone that night, to check his bills and the full horror was uncovered.

Never under-estimate how stupid normally intelligent people can be, or how arrogant and bomb-proof they think they are.

Thanks everyone, it really does help to talk it over. I've been thinking about posting about this for a while and I'm glad I did. It seems you mainly agree that the evidence is suspicious but inconclusive. That really does cheer me actually, I was expecting an onslaught of "can't you see what's going on under your nose" type posts!

So it looks like i have to continue as I have been - on the surface having accepted his explanation, but with low level suspicion living at the back of my mind until it's resolved one way or the other. Shitty but I can't see any other approach. I love this man, and this relationship means more to me than I can describe here.

Thanks all, I feel reassured now that I'm not being totally do-lally, either by being suspicious in the first place, or by not taking what's happened so far as definite proof of infidelity.

What about the phone bills?

if you think things are going well, then try (in your own head) to give him the benefit of the doubt. you don't want to wreck a good relationship for nothing.

as far as the condoms go - are you sure he didn't rip one when putting one on, or lose one in the bed etc?

gagamama and potporri - I've been searching for other explanations. DS isn't old enough to get into packet and tear it off. But might well wander off with it if we'd torn an extra one off by accident in the heat of passion, and it was perhaps lying around (feels like I'm clutching at straws!)

No babysitters, lodger was away. Only visitors have been mates. A bit odd to steal your mate's johnies though isn't it?!

WhenwillIfeelnormal he's on PAYG, so no bills.