Evidence is he's probably cheating. How to deal with this?

[worriedbee]

Regular but namechanged as DP knows my mn name.

I really don't want to believe it but the evidence seems to be there.

1. A condom is missing. I know because I only just bought the box, we've had sex twice, but 3 are gone. And not just gone, but ripped off - it hasn't just fallen out somewhere - someone has torn it off.

1. On his phone a young female work colleague who lives in his home town has sent a text saying she's passing through (our new) town, does he want to meet up.

1. His call history said he called her when he was back home a few weeks ago.

1. I challenged him about the missing condom (but not the calls / text). Since then he has deleted the text

1. A few days later he deleted all calls

Clutching at straws here, but here are the things which are stopping me heading for the door:

1. when I challenged him about the condom, he was very convincing - not just that he had no idea how it's gone, but is very happy in our relationship.

1. We have been getting on so well recently.

1. I can't imagine when he would have had time to actually conduct an affair here! He runs his own business with a couple of people who are good friends of mine. The last few weeks he has either been working from home or with the other guys, I know for a fact. The only possible unaccounted time is perhaps an hour at 4 in the morning. This would include travel time, I find I hard to believe he's driven somewhere at 4, fucked her and come straight home?! Why not hang around a bit longer. Although if there is something going on, perhaps he took the condom hoping they'd get a chance, but didn't actually find the time, this time.

1. We have a baby together.

The evidence doesn't look good does it? But the thing is I challenged him, he denied it, sounded very convincing and I accepted his denial, at least on the face of it. Where can I go from here? I don't want to be constantly full of suspicion. I lived with a jealous man and it was horrible. If there's any chance I'm wrong, I don;t want my lovely DP to have to live in that kind of climate.

Fuck.

I love this man, and really want my DS to grow up with his dad. But it's also important to me that the relationship is genuine.

Is there any chance he's not cheating do you think, or is the evidence just too damning?

What would you do?

I have a bad feeling about this - but glad I am a lone voice as I really hope his is innocent. I find it really odd that your dp took a condom before when he was going away - don't buy the excuse he gave.

really hope he is innocent

I agree with Ladylush. I find it very odd about taking a condom to a work away do. Force of habit? So he's accustomed to sleeping with colleagues at work functions? That wouldn't sit well with me tbh.

"a young female work colleague who lives in his home town has sent a text saying she's passing through (our new) town, does he want to meet up" - I don't like the sound of this text.
She might be inconsiderate sending such a text to a married man with children but then have you ever heard from your DH' mouth about this woman? Nothing wrong with meeting your ex- work colleagues but if DH was innocent he surely would have told you he met her when asked how his day was.

His call history shows he called her when in his hometown.
Obviously they are in contact, whatever sort of contact that is. And you wouldn't know about it if you haven't gone through his phone. This looks dodgy to me. Has he ever mentioned meeting up or talking to her?

On the other hand they might have met for a drink or so, just like an ex- colleagues and he might have forgotten to tell you about it because it was insignificant to him.

A bit suspicious - I would wait and see what happens next.

It all hinges on what his normal behaviour pattern is like really, any of the above behaviour would have me immediately suspicious because my husband never deletes anything from his phone, or his emails and he tells me everything to do with his worklife, he also tells me when he's had contact with women he works with or worked with in the past - he seems to collect women friends wherever he goes because he's a nice bloke who genuinely likes women and they can trust him as he's a happily married man.
So it's dependant on whether any of this is out of character from him, you know him best, but people are rarely suspicious for no reason, assuming they aren't pathologically jealous and /or paranoid types.
I hope you get to the bottom of this and it doesn't drive you insane in the meantime.

taking a condom when going off for a works trip is highly suspicious. Sorry

Sorry, I'm with the suspicious crowd. No reason whatsoever to take condoms to work do's unless you're intending to use them. I really don't buy the habit excuse.

And my H is an incredibly intelligent man, but he used condoms from our supply with OW. One turned up in the washing machine one day (Sealed!) which alerted me to it all in the first place. He had every excuse under the sun to explain it (the dc's had apparently put it there) but the reality was probably that it came out of his jeans pocket.

I'm so sorry if we're right. For now, I think you're right to be on high alert and look for any evidence. You'll need to be able to prove it one way or another or it'll eat away at you. It took me over a year to get indisputable evidence of H and OW!

Posh wank maybe?

could he have been, um, you know, pleasuring himself - I have heard of men using condoms for this (I suppose because they dont' want a mess! can't believe I'm writing this!!) and then been too embarassed to say that when you challenged him?

Sorry I think he is cheating and trying to dress it up any other way is clutching at straws. Missing condom, text from younger colleague, quickly deleted texts. YOu have every right to be v suspicious as it looks highly likely something is going on and he's scared you're sussing it... sorry.

I was gonna say what stillfeel18inside said...it's a logical but embarassing (for him) explanation....Good luck

Avendasora, stillfeel18inside and pennyrain, I hadn't though of that. If it is true hee hee.

No, actually I'll be really pissed off with him if I'm going through this inner turmoil for a bloody wank he is so shy to admit!!!

have you read the thread on how to tell if he's having an affair? The tips on that were spookily accurate imo. I'd posted some, but there were others that I hadn't even linked, like sleeping in the day, and so on.

The phone behaviour is always the crucial one though. When I visit friends, I always notice that their mobiles are left around for anyone to access. A look of panic used to flash across H's face if anyone got hold of his mobile. He was so possessive of it, it was unreal.

Worriedbee, unfortunately I would take no comfort from the fact the first condom came back unused. The fact that he took it in the first place is the problem - maybe there was no-one he wanted to shag, or maybe he came onto someone and got rejected, so didn't use the condom. Whatever, the reason, taking it in the first place is unforgiveable.

kitsmummy Is it really unforgivable though? This is the father of my child, and he's a good man. We have a lovely life together, and lots of great plans for our future together as a family. What if the truth is that packing a condom was really a moment of madness, he's never actually cheated and never will. I couldn't throw our relationship away for that.

The problem is the not knowing. Argg!

tiredofhterain he's not particularly possessive of his phone. I'll have a look at that thread (hope it's not too paranoia-inducing!).

I hope for you that he is innocent but the phone thing doesn't sound good. My ex was so cagey about his phone. Would often leave it locked in the car, snatch it from me if I picked it up and deleted everything. He was also a master of manipulating any situation or scenario to make me feel as if I was being overly paranoid or unreasonable. Turned out that for nearly the whole of our 6 year relationship he had also been living with someone else. A lot of that time we were happy and I would have never thought anything was wrong, but looking back the little things that niggled me should have been enough for me to realise all was not as it seemed.

I'd give the benefit of the doubt to the missing condom but not taking one away to a work do. Why would a married man take a condom to a work do?

The thing is, like I said, we've been getting so well I find it hard to believe anything's going on most of the time. Then I have nagging doubts.

Another issues is that when I confronted him the first time he lied to me about where the condom came from (he said they'd been giving them out at the do). He only admitted it when I told him bollocks and showed him I knew for sure it was from ours.

I don't know why he took it to the work do. It's somewhere on the scale of not really thinking it through and having no real intent to actually act on it - to absolute intent to get laid that weekend. For all I know perhaps he spent the weekend fucking someone using her condoms? (Paranoia setting in now).

The thing is I'd decided to move on from that first time, seeing as all I had evidence of was he was possibly thinking of it. If it never happens again and we have a good life together I can put that in the past - sometimes people do do stupid things, and I do love this man! This relationship is important to me.

But that occasion and the lying have made me suspicious. It's not a very enjoyable state of mind.

It looks like all I can do I think is try not to let it bother me too much and wait and see what comes out in the wash. See, if nothing is going on (and that is still a possibility) it would be an absolute tragedy if this relationship was poisoned by paranoia.

The thing is, I really don't believe you'd pack a condom for a work do out of absent mindedness, so given that, I could not get over the fact that he'd intentionally taken one. If he thought that he might use one, that would be too much for me, regardless of whether it played out that way or not, I'd never trust him again.

My husband cheated on me for 4 years. Only the last 6 months of that did I feel our realtionship was in trouble. Like an idiot I thought we had a pretty damn good marriage. He was always (still is) a loving and very doting Dad to our 2 children.

Sorry to be Mrs Doom and Gloom.

What you have said makes me ( a slightly bitter wronged woman) feel slightly suspicious. It just does not sit comfortably with me.

My husband only admitted his affairs when confronted with absolute ROCK SOLID evidence. Even then - he tried to "minimise" the extent of his affairs, not fully realising I knew ALOT more than I initially let on.

How I gatherd my evidence over several weeks/ couple of months. I felt awful snooping etc. But the best way to catch him out (if there is anything to catch out). Is to lull him into a false sense of security. Try not to let on you know/suspect anything for as long as possible. Unless you find earth shattering eveience - dont confront him with it initially. Give yourself time to anylise and absorb anything "untoward" you find. Over time it may build a picture or you may see a pattern arising. Keep brief notes of times and dates in a secret diary and see if it ties up with anything else. Look at car mileage, bank account activity, condom useage but the best one is MOBILE PHONE behaviour. Its the modern affair giveaway. What does he do with it when he sleeps?? Check it frequently. Check his airtime balance and see if he is using up credit but if call history deleted etc! Keep an eye on the home PC s well.

Eventually IF he is upto no good he will slip up one day.

Obviously - this is only good advice IF there is anything untoward going on. Snooping on you DH/DP is not ideal for a great relationship really, but then if you feel like you do - then maybe its a way forward. Tough call. Hope whatever you decide you get to the bottom of you uncertainty and can get this sorted.