Evidence is he's probably cheating. How to deal with this?

[worriedbee]

Regular but namechanged as DP knows my mn name.

I really don't want to believe it but the evidence seems to be there.

1. A condom is missing. I know because I only just bought the box, we've had sex twice, but 3 are gone. And not just gone, but ripped off - it hasn't just fallen out somewhere - someone has torn it off.

1. On his phone a young female work colleague who lives in his home town has sent a text saying she's passing through (our new) town, does he want to meet up.

1. His call history said he called her when he was back home a few weeks ago.

1. I challenged him about the missing condom (but not the calls / text). Since then he has deleted the text

1. A few days later he deleted all calls

Clutching at straws here, but here are the things which are stopping me heading for the door:

1. when I challenged him about the condom, he was very convincing - not just that he had no idea how it's gone, but is very happy in our relationship.

1. We have been getting on so well recently.

1. I can't imagine when he would have had time to actually conduct an affair here! He runs his own business with a couple of people who are good friends of mine. The last few weeks he has either been working from home or with the other guys, I know for a fact. The only possible unaccounted time is perhaps an hour at 4 in the morning. This would include travel time, I find I hard to believe he's driven somewhere at 4, fucked her and come straight home?! Why not hang around a bit longer. Although if there is something going on, perhaps he took the condom hoping they'd get a chance, but didn't actually find the time, this time.

1. We have a baby together.

The evidence doesn't look good does it? But the thing is I challenged him, he denied it, sounded very convincing and I accepted his denial, at least on the face of it. Where can I go from here? I don't want to be constantly full of suspicion. I lived with a jealous man and it was horrible. If there's any chance I'm wrong, I don;t want my lovely DP to have to live in that kind of climate.

Fuck.

I love this man, and really want my DS to grow up with his dad. But it's also important to me that the relationship is genuine.

Is there any chance he's not cheating do you think, or is the evidence just too damning?

What would you do?

Ultimately you're just not going to know are you unless you can find something a bit more conclusive. So you've got to rack your brains and think of a way to find evidence or put it to the back of your mind and wait and see if anything else happens.

Somthing similar happened to me and he lied and lied until in the end he hung himself good and proper.

I think it's common that they don't admit anything which cannot be absolutely proven. H even tried to claim text messages had been altered, OW had slept on the sofa bed when she stayed in his hotel room one night, etc etc.

I think the biggest indicator in all of this is your gut instinct. If you think something's up, and you're not prone to paranoia, then I'd be pretty sure you're right.

See that's the thing. My instinct says it's probably OK, but the logical side of me can't account for these things and warning bells are ringing.

I'm not usually prone to paranoia, but do I wonder if I've been freaking out a bit here!

I don't know. If the texting woman & your DP were up to no good, wouldn't there be a lot more than 1 call & text?

If you were sneaking off for a night of illicit passion at a work do would 1 condom be enough? i.e if you were going prepared, wouldn't you make sure you were prepared for anything?

Tired - I have shared a male colleague's hotel room after a particularly drunken party and he did sleep on the sofa bed. I told DH all about it, but I bet he didn't tell his wife. (prefering a quiet life)

sorry but im in suspicious group here, and sorry to ehar your story shineondiamond, i agree with you, listen to your instict

"And a man takes out a condom through force of habit? Sorry- but bollocks to that." I agree shineoncrazydiamond. It's a crap excuse, and I don't believe it. I learnt that day that his first instinct is to lie when cornered, and I trust him less for this.

But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt that day because he was so convincing, he hadn't actually used it, and I had no other evidence then of betrayal.

I mean how often do our partners think about sex with others? We don't know - it could be a lot! I rationalised the unused condom like that at the time - the condom was evidence he'd definitely thought about it (which does sting) but hadn't done it, and I wasn't willing to chuck away a good relationship on that basis alone.

But this is pickling my head.

I think I may step away from this thread for a little while and go do something really exciting for a while like washing up or something! And I'll muse what's been said.

I really do appreciate you lot taking the time to go over it with me, it helps to be able to talk it through to (hopefully) get some perspective.

Chin up, tits out, my best mate always says

Don't let him know that you've looked at his phone. If he is up to no good and if he doesn't think you are suspicious he will relax, not delete texts/call history and you will have your evidence. Also worthwhile checking emails if you have access or can guess his password.

Everything you've said would want me to dig deeper, preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

lisbey, I know that platonic room sharing does happen, but on this occasion the OW only lived 500m down the road, they weren't drunk and H had texted her that day to tell her he loved her (text got intercepted by her H after she forwarded it on). Pretty damning really

Worried, I really hope that this turns out to be a storm in a teacup. I think all you can do is keep a beady eye on the situation at the moment. And say nothing, don't act suspicious, just quietly observe! I've just caught H in the act and it took weeks of waiting before he tripped up..

Very possible 2+2=5. Once convinced a condom is missing (rather than lost/never there in the first place/used by you both) you've given more significance to the text and deletion of phone messages than you would normally - forcing things to fit iyswim.

Otoh, if there is anything going on more evidence will surface. Pragmatically time will tell.

I don't know what I'd think in your shoes OP. I would be suspicious and I think the advice to keep your counsel and be vigilant is good advice.

But this thread is giving me the horrors wondering whether me and my DB caused our parents grief when we were 10/11 and pinched two condoms out the box in my DM's drawer because we were curious as to what they were. We thought they were sweets!

When people have affairs they go to amazing lengths to get what they want.

I know someone who used to leave home at 05.00, drive to his lover's house at 06.00, have a quick shag and go to work.

He was married.

Sorry but I think the writing's on the wall.

OP - I am sorry like LadyLush to be pessimistic, but if you have odd evidence that on paper could all be explained away individually , but you have a feeling that about it, do not accept any calim that you are being paranoid. Even if he appears to have no time in his schedule for playing away, time CAN be made. I don't want to talk about my own my own exprerience, but would echo tjose who have sadi, remain calm, don't ask him again abput the missing condom, but if any other incongruities start to appear ( they will, inevitably, if he is cheating) then deal with them on a case by case basis.

Oh God yes, at the time H started cheating, he had so much on his plate work-wise, plus travelled constantly, I couldn't believe he would have time to cheat. Plus he'd let himself go physically and I'd have thought he would have done the opposite. They were both red herrings as it turned out.

Gut feel and dodgy mobile activity are the two biggest indicators imo.

I think we need more info on the text message here.

"Hi Roger, I'm in Newtown for a meeting on Thursday, fancy a catch up and a coffee?"

is probably fine from an ex-colleague, no? Doesn't necessarily mean there's anything to worry about here.

"Big Boy, see you Thursday, 1pm at the Newtown TravelLodge XXX"

is a bit more concerning...

A friend of mine once got asked by a man called Roger whether she'd ever been rogered by a Roger - she made her excuses and left...

Hope you are ok OP.

I'm OK, thanks for asking ladylush. I veer from feeling everything's fine to being gripped by paranoia and seeing suspicion in everything, but I really want to avoid that - that way madness lies! Mostly, I'm trying to keep perspective. It's exhausting

boudouricca the text itself isn't suspicious in itself. It simply says shr's passing through, does he want to meet up? (No kisses) The reasons I'm worried about it are:

1. If he's having an affair, it's almost certainly likely someone from his hometown as that's where we lived till recently. He had plenty of opportunity there to be places I didn't know about. Also, here - because he's mostly working from home here - there's very little opportunity and he doesn't know so many people here.

1. I checked his phone after I saw the condom was missing. Hers was the only possible dodgy text in it.

1. I could also see he called her when he went home a couple of weeks ago.

1. He didn't mention to me that she's in town. He usually does if his mates are here, and is usually keen to introduce me and DS to his mates (male and female).

1. After I challenged him about the condom he deleted her text specifically, and the entire call history.

None of it conclusive, (he could have deleted the text in case I 'took it the wrong way' in light of my accusations) but it's certainly making me feel incredibly uneasy.

He has deleted all his texts, in going and out again, yesterday.

I hate this. I want this man to be my best friend, not to be sneaking around like this. It's fucking shameful, and I'm lso acutely aware it has the potential to damage our relationship if my suspicions turn out to be unfounded.. But what other option? I need to know or it will always come between us. I'd like to just have it out with him (and still may) but I just don't trust him 100% any more after the first incident, and especially after he lied when confronted.

Really sorry. That does look bad. You do need to say nothing now, unfortunately, pretend it's all out of your head and just keep watching and waiting. He will slip up eventually but you need more evidence than you currently have. Having it out with him now will get you nowhere - he'll just deny it and become even more secretive.