Evidence is he's probably cheating. How to deal with this?

[worriedbee]

Regular but namechanged as DP knows my mn name.

I really don't want to believe it but the evidence seems to be there.

1. A condom is missing. I know because I only just bought the box, we've had sex twice, but 3 are gone. And not just gone, but ripped off - it hasn't just fallen out somewhere - someone has torn it off.

1. On his phone a young female work colleague who lives in his home town has sent a text saying she's passing through (our new) town, does he want to meet up.

1. His call history said he called her when he was back home a few weeks ago.

1. I challenged him about the missing condom (but not the calls / text). Since then he has deleted the text

1. A few days later he deleted all calls

Clutching at straws here, but here are the things which are stopping me heading for the door:

1. when I challenged him about the condom, he was very convincing - not just that he had no idea how it's gone, but is very happy in our relationship.

1. We have been getting on so well recently.

1. I can't imagine when he would have had time to actually conduct an affair here! He runs his own business with a couple of people who are good friends of mine. The last few weeks he has either been working from home or with the other guys, I know for a fact. The only possible unaccounted time is perhaps an hour at 4 in the morning. This would include travel time, I find I hard to believe he's driven somewhere at 4, fucked her and come straight home?! Why not hang around a bit longer. Although if there is something going on, perhaps he took the condom hoping they'd get a chance, but didn't actually find the time, this time.

1. We have a baby together.

The evidence doesn't look good does it? But the thing is I challenged him, he denied it, sounded very convincing and I accepted his denial, at least on the face of it. Where can I go from here? I don't want to be constantly full of suspicion. I lived with a jealous man and it was horrible. If there's any chance I'm wrong, I don;t want my lovely DP to have to live in that kind of climate.

Fuck.

I love this man, and really want my DS to grow up with his dad. But it's also important to me that the relationship is genuine.

Is there any chance he's not cheating do you think, or is the evidence just too damning?

What would you do?

Looks like you need a sim card reader to stop you going insane.

I think someone recommended a SIM card reader? I ahven't used one but apparently they can show the last 20 texts in and out. Might be worth trying. About £40 I think?

Do you know where can you get one from? (Totally skint though so probably hypothetical!)

Do they show you the actual texts, or just a list of who the texts were to/from?

I'm really uncomfortable with the level of betrayal necessary involved in magicking £40 from somewhere, buying this thing and spying on him. And written down it looks even worse!

But on the other hand this is eating away at me and that's no good either, so I will certainly think about it.

Sorry, I'm forgetting my manners!

Thanks for the suggestion. It's good to know there could actually be something practical I can do to end this uncertainty (and hopefully for the better.)

So does anyone know where you can actually get a SIM reader from?

Are they in any RL shops or is it online only?

online here

I've been struggling with this thread for days now. I want to swim against the tide, but I'm worried that I'm wrong and that I'll be giving you bad advice.

WhoIsAskingSantaForCake I'm totally in two minds myself. This thread has helped me get some things a bit more in perspective, which has helped. In practical terms, I'm pretty much at square one though - either he is or he isn't, and only time will tell!

I'm certainly not going to leave my lovely DP and the father of my child because of someone's opinion. Nor (unfortunately) am I going to be able to forget about my suspicious because someone says I should! At the very least my DP has handled this badly (e.g. lying when cornered), and isn't not unreasonable I think, for me to be suspicious.

On the other hand (the 'evidence' aside), I am very aware that there are lots of reasons that I could be feeling paranoid besides the obvious. Importantly, this relationship is different to the other significant ones I have had before, mainly because we have a baby, and also my DP doesn't go in for the constant verbal declarations of love my previous partners did - he is quite shy in that way. (He does however show love with actions, something my exes hadn't a clue how to do). This has lead in the past to me feeling like I don't know were I stand with him.

Plus, - despite really loving being a mother - I'm also aware that I do feel very domestic / unsexy, being at home with the baby all the time, and it could just be old fashioned jealousy that's got into me (pretty, slim, carefree young work colleague )

Or, he could be cheating.

What I'm trying to say is that promise I am not going to do anything rash based on your opinion, but I would certainly love to hear it. I am a big girl!

worriedbee- what are you afraid of WRT confronting him?

If you told him you had looked through his phone, what do you think would happen? Could it be worse than how you're feeling now?

I just think that 'forgetting it' is not an option. If you are anything like me, it will eat away at you until you say something. he may be able to reassure you. He may say something that will tell you he has cheated, I don't know...

...But I am pretty sure that your soulmate (if you believe in such a thing) will not leave you for looking through his phone.

Gah. I hope you get some peace, one way or another.

Ah, well. I'm just about to go to bed (I've become thoroughly involved in a thread elsewhere which has made me more than a little blue, and also more than a little incoherent - but I'll give it a go!)

I think that the condom issue is strange, to say the least. I want to let you know that I am not coming to this thread with a rosy life filled with love and faithfulness, I'm not. My XH was a serial philanderer (I love that word)

BUT...The advice seems to have been for you to compile evidence, to keep schtum, find the fucker out etc...I cannot agree with this (sorry ladies) I just can't. I feel as though you're between a rock and a hard place. And I want to tell you to talk to him again. I want you to say "Look DP, I love you, but something doesn't add up - 2 missing condoms? That's fucked up. I am tearing myself into pieces trying to work out what's going on. I'm sure that if you were in my shoes you'd be asking the same thing of me - I need transparency, now...because of the condoms I've poked around in your phone, why have you suddenly started deleting messages?" etc etc.

I know that everyone is going to jump on this post and say "Argh! she's played her hand too early" but Jesus - If he's cheating? He's going to slip up - it doesn't matter if it's this week or next week HE WILL SLIP UP. I think the fact that he has no unaccounted time away is a big factor.

Don't forget little worriedbee, that we are all just ephemeral beings floating around in cyberspace. You know him...have you allowed a small doubt to flower and blossom into a a big doubt purely on others' experience?

There's maybe something here. maybe . Nothing is definite yet, and I know damn well how I'd feel if someone placed spyware on my phone. And that feeling would not be a good one.

The fact that you say he hasn't been absent from the home makes me wonder when he'd be conducting this affair. IME My XH was out a LOT.

Anyway - I mean no disrespect to anyone on this thread - and I hope I haven't made things yet worse for you, the OP.

WhoisaskingSantaforcake I really hope you're right. And it is so hard to judge from online descriptions. But purely on the 'no time to play away' front, I would have said the same of my friend's DH, who came home from work and spent all his free time with her and their two DDs - or so she thought. She discovered by accident that he had a secret email account and had been meeting women during the day in his lunch hour from work. Awful. I really, really hope that this is not the case for anyone else, but just to say, it can happen.

OP I do agree it would be rash to throw away the relationship at the present time. What you know is inconclusive, let's say that at least. Personally, I would not go for the spyware but I would keep a close eye on the phone, and I would also check history on the PC. This was how my friend's DH slipped up. I would want to know something more concrete before bringing it up again. Sorry WIASFC I'd take a different tack to you here. But then, there's no ideal way to deal with this stuff, is there?

Message withdrawn

tethersjinglebellends I've already confronted him, he denied it, but I'm not convinced.

The thing is the first time round, he denied it too - he instantly made up a lie as to where the condom in his pocket came from. He only admitted it when I forced the issue by showing him I knew for sure they came from the same packet so he couldn't wriggle out of it.

I told him I'd looked through his phone the first time. The thing is I strongly believe that the way to a good relationship is to be cards-on-the-table honest about things, but as he's not been, I find it hard to trust him now.

Sorry I'm babbling, but basically what's stopping me confronting him is I think I'll ask again, he'll say the same thing, (denying all knowledge) I'll look like a loon and we will have got nowhere!

Having said that I expect I'll find it hard not to just come out with it next time we have a drink together (not that often though these days!)

WhoisaskingSantaforcake thanks for posting, I really appreciate it, just thinking about it now.

Sleightieschick cool name BTW

I understand where you're coming from, and I hope I'm right too. I hesitated about posting at all to be honest, as I said, I'm swimming against the tide!

WhoisaskingSantaforcake you may well be right. If my suspicions are unfounded, my DP really does need to know I'm feeling this soon, to stop things getting worse, right?

However, as I said in my post above, I'm worried (if it's true) he'd just lie and we'll have got nowhere, and (if unfounded) I'll look like a loon.

You say "The fact that you say he hasn't been absent from the home makes me wonder when he'd be conducting this affair." That's the thing you see, I don't think he's having an affair with anyone here - we only just moved here. If he is having an affair it'd be with someone from his hometown, where we were till recently. And there he had A LOT of opportunity as his work hours were totally erratic. I was at home with the baby, he was out and about in the car working god knows where.

I haven't just got suspicious because of this thread! I've been worrying about this since before the summer.

I was already suspicious about this work colleague in the summer. Nothing I could put my finger on. Well basically, they get on - I know he has a laugh with her at work (from reading their texts, not from anything he's said) She's young, pretty and slim. Either there's more to it or like I said it's just old fashioned jealousy on my part. When he went back home the other week he called her. He didn't mention seeing her to me.

He clams he always deletes his texts, but it's not true. After the first condom incident in the summer, I checked his phone, and he had texts going back over a year. Shortly after he began deleting all texts, and has done so every so often ever since.

The thing is, when this condom went missing recently, I looked in the phone again, and there she was saying she's in our new town, on that very day. Now I know it could be a horrible coincidence, but it certainly is playing on my mind. Why didn't he mention it?

I'm not going to get the card-reader. It's really comforting to know it's available, for if things do go tits up and I need proof to force him to level with me. But I'm not comfortable with the level of deception necessary on my part in this situation right now. What if there is no infidelity? I'm not ashamed to admit I've looked at his phone given the circumstances. But that is a step too far at the moment.

I want (and think I might actually have) a genuine relationship with my DP, who is a good, decent, loving man and a great dad - not a character in a fucking Nancy Drew mystery.

This sucks!

WhoisaskingSantaforcake you certainly haven't made things worse for me! I really do appreciate your opinion, thanks for posting.

"I'm worried (if it's true) he'd just lie and we'll have got nowhere, and (if unfounded) I'll look like a loon."

worriedbee would looking like a loon in front of him be so terrible?
It worries me a little that you would rather tie yourself into knots than risk looking foolish in front of him...
Surely you can let the mask slip and let some 'crazy' out without fear of reproach?

I think you need to speak to him, rather than trying to catch him out. Trying to catch him out leaves little hope IMO.

"It's really comforting to know it's available, for if things do go tits up and I need proof to force him to level with me."

The grammar in that sentence is shocking!

Right, I'm going to stop worrying about this for tonight and go and do something constructive before bed. (Probably washing up!)

Thanks ladies for taking the time to go over this with me, it does help stop my little brain from going round and round in circles quite so much!

Sounds suss to me. How long have you been together, if you don't mind me asking?

BitOfFun, congratulations, you may well have hit the nail on the head. I've been thinking about bringing it up.

DS was a (very happy) accident. I totally mis-judged my cycle and got pregnant very early on (rhythm method = a fun game involving maths, sex and pregnancy)
We even hadn't got past the casual dating "is he really interested?" stage.

Some background - I've known DP for over decade, although not incredibly well till we got together. His brother is a good friend of mine. DP and I used to bump into each other very occasionally at things I would go to with his brother and his mates. I was certainly always attracted to him, and he says now he was to me, but nothing ever happened (except for a quick snog at a party, years ago) - mainly simply because we were never single at the same time, and because his job for many years kept him out of the country. Until, that is just over 2 years ago. When I found I was pregnant we decided - together - that we both wanted the baby and just went ahead, with very little discussion or planning on how it was going to work. It was a blind leap of faith for both of us really.

I have later learnt that prior to us getting together, he had felt that worried he might have missed his chance for having kids, and he actually left his last girlfriend because she wasn't ready to settle down. But I didn't know this at the time.

So we've built this relationship while I've been pregnant and we've had a new baby, which hasn't always been easy. Beginning a sexual relationship with someone while not being totally plastered at least slightly inebriated is a new one on me for a start!

Thankfully, it turns out that we really get on, and our views on childrearing (and much else) are very similar. People always say we are very lucky to have found each other. He's a lovely, intelligent, good man, a very proud dad and we're good together.

But, you see, I have ishoos about the validity of our relationship because of the way we got together. It's very important to me that the relationship is genuine. But there is a little nagging doubt that pops up every now and again that says what if he's really only with me out of a sense of duty? I don't think this that often, but I'm very aware it could be this that is fuelling my paranoia. Sometimes I feel like I have gatecrashed his life, and don't quite belong here.

As regards the suspicions, it could go either way. Perhaps the doubts are fallout form the crazy way we got together, and me trying to get my head round all that's happened in such a short space of time. It really does feel like happily-ever-after at times - perhaps my cynical nature finds it hard to accept?! Or perhaps (for many possible reasons) he feels he needs (or wants) to cheat to deal with it somehow.

BoF sorry, that was very long winded! The short answer is we've been together just over 2 years, our DS is 18 months.

From my own experience, trying to discuss this with H got me nowhere. I would be amazed if yours just admitted it, and agree that all you'll achieve is making him more careful if there is something going on.

The only things which worked were catching him unexpectedly by asking a direct question, or doing a bit of research myself. I never checked his phone or email, he was very careful about those so I had no opportunity. I don't think I'd have wanted to go the spyware route tbh. It took weeks to finally get proof, but it brought a good deal of closure and weirdly I feel a lot better knowing. My marriage was over though, for far more reasons than just infidelity.

IMHO I reckon it sounds as though there may be a history with this woman, possibly he occasionally slept with her before you came along. Perhaps he thinks the odd indiscretion won't hurt now. It depends if you're prepared to turn a blind eye to this (some people do, including some of my friends, I couldn't) or it's a total dealbreaker. I think you at least need a frank discussion about where your boundaries lie.

the way i got the proof that my OH was cheating was using something called "Bluebook" on O2. what i does is stores all incoming and outgoing text messages on a server which can be accessed via the internet. I don't know if other mobile providers have similar things or not but it is free to use. assuming of course that you want to go down that route.

My gut reaction though is that you need to talk to him. Tell him your concerns and put all of your cards on the table. You don't sound like a naive person in the slightest and I am sure that you will be able to judge by his answers and reactions weather or not he is being truthful with you.. but issues like this can eat away at a healthy relationship until there is nothing left. You need to deal with this before it festers further.

Failing that, there's always Trisha Goddard.

Hi Dittany, I do love this man, yes!

He does tell me he loves me, but mostly by text - he sends me lovely, really sweet messages when we're apart. But very, very rarely face to face. He really isn't comfortable talking about feelings, and any conversation I initiate about anything on the emotional side tends to be shut down pretty quickly unless I push it.

tiredoftherain, if there is something going on, I do think it's more of the odd indiscretion variety. I really don't think I could live with it.

Stigulus - Trisha Goddard - !!!!!