i really really dont know what to do

[fostermum]

hi all, youve proberly read over the months that DH and i dont really see eye to eye about much,he has his moter bike and bike friends and work mates, i live a laid back hippie type life that involves my fostering and closeness with my kids, his step kids which he doesnt enjoy at all. we sleep in seperate rooms,cook our own food do our own washing, go out when we want to do what we want, im going to new zealand for 3 weeks in july,i will be seeing all my old friends from pre wedding days,i just dont know what to do about husband, he doesnt seem to mind our way of life,we never talk about it, but i feel like his mother!

I can't help but ask: what are you doing with this man?! Sorry I'm newish & sorry to be blunt - I don't know much about you, just wondered how you got together etc. If you were to split up, would you really miss him as you sound pretty independent already?

hi fostermum,sorry you're in this situation,do you want things to change or would you prefer to go your own separate ways?

Hi im on dd's computer under her name (charleepeters) but it is me fostermum.

outofmydepth - We knew each other for ages he is the brother of someone who was once my best friend, i had just got divorced from a man who had knocked my confidence off the scale - he made me feel great and did for a few years, but basicly we grew apart, im not sure if i would miss him - i miss the person he used to be o know that much.

whymummy - yes i want him to leave were living seperate lives at the moment, we never talk to each other so i feel awkward in my own home whilst hes there. i am getting my independence back i expect hes having an affair but to be honest i dont care. im just not sure what to do, i want to keep the house as i work as a foster parent - im not sure he would leave easily. he wouldnt be violent but i think he would put up a fight - i dont know what to do.

well you have to do something, fm. at least i think you do.

What did you used to do together? could you try doing that again? what about relate?

It isnt so much what we used together that i miss its his actuall attitude to life and his whole personality.

He used to get on well with my kids, he used to join in with the family, laugh and joke, we shared the same views in life that we didnt care what others thought about us.

he then changed jobs for a lobourer to an office manager and changed dramatically, he says hello to me and thats all, he shouts at the kids, he never laughs and jokes or joins in in with any conversations or anything. he just wants material thinga and wants to be 'high class'

we sleep in seperate rooms, eat sepertly, do our own washing/shopping.

he has his motorbike and his biker mates i have my friends we live different lives.

He sits all night on the computer talking to some woman and he's drinking alot at the moment - he refuses to talk about our problems and just goes about life like its normal - i think he wants to split to he just wont admit it even though i have asked him.

it seems like he's wasting your life fostermum,you need to be strong and ask him to go,i know is difficult for you to leave so the only solution is for him to move out,could he afford to live somewhere else?it must be awful to have to live like that and you don't want to throw your life away,do something now before you regret it

he pays all the bils at the moment but ive told him im going to sort this out after the holiday,its just he so casual about things like this is a normal way of life!if i try to speak about it he leaves the room and wont desguss it,it makes my kids feel uncomfortable whan they visit which is every sunday as i have a big sunday meal and get all the kids together at once but he maons andis rude to them,it is really beginng to wear me down

fostermum don't put up with this situation,it will slowly drive your children away,you deserve to be happy

no i wont let that happen my kids come first and i think thats been a lot of the problem he doesnt like it that i always back my kids,i thought he would bond with them but he never really has

but they will fostermum,to avoid seeing you like this they will slowly make their excuses not to come,please,you seem like such a caring person,you deserve a better life,start acting now before is too late.

i will wait untill ive been on holiday,i dont wanna get back and find the locks changed by starting anything before i go, it just seems so wierd that two people can lead such seperate lives under one roof

surely if it is your house it would be illegal for him to change the locks. Why dont you change the locks before you go and ask him to leave, then it wont be hanging over your head whilst you are on holiday

Thjere doesnt seem any point to your relationship carrying on fm, esp if you dont have children together, are not married etc and the house is yours ! From my POV it looks like he is having a free ride off you until he sets somethingbetter up

it is a house association house in both names, we are legally married im not sure i could fund a devorce,and i dont know if he would go if i asked him thats what worries me

fostermum, it sounds like neither of you makes much effort to spend quality time alone together, do you? If he's not too interested in the kids then he's done well to support your fostering all these years. Perhaps he's been waiting and waiting for his turn to be No 1 in your life.

but when that oppertunaty came he got a moter bike and started going out every week end!even when i had a heart attack he couldnt draw him self away from a works party!

blimey, no wonder you're disenchanted with him!

he had made me feel like an incumberance for several years before it got to the stage where i moved into the other bedroom,then the washing and cooking just fell in to place,i thought he would be different after my heart op,as far as no sex no touching going out ect was concerned but it wasnt so i lost interest in him too,

As fostermums daughter i do know what she means and me and my 2 older sisters have felt it for a while that the marriage isnt working out like it used to. In 14 years of knowing this man and him being my father figure i have never once thought of him as my father but once upon a time i could at least chat to him and have a laugh now i dont even get a hello if he talks at all its to shout at us about something.

he makes it plain he doesnt like us kids in fact he doesnt like children at all and has never supported us or the fostering my mum does.

i know its making her very unhappy as it seems he is just a man living in the same house thas all. even when we have all tried to make conversaton and speak to him he just cuts us dead so we cqant form a frinedship.

when my mum had her herat attacks he would still go out till god knows what time in the morning with his work mates and when she had her valve replacement last year he he didnt even visit some days.

im not writng this to make him llok bad or anytihg becasue i have known him to be a kind, funny man eho was easy to talk to and i could have a conversation with - he used to be caring, understanding and frinedly.

he thoery seems to be ow were grown up my mum should look out for us and be close to us anymore but we have always been a close family and he doesnt like that.

I wonder what made him change so much?

i think that he just grew up he is eight years younger then me and he was only in his early 20s when we got together he changed the older he got

It does sound like you're living pretty much a single life already.

how are you fostermum?
hi charleepters

hi whymummy things ok i told him last night that as soon as i get back from my holiday im saving to emergrate,he said ok soon as his bills paid he will be going abroad to live too,thanks for asking

hi fostemum,i hope everything goes well for you,where are you thinking of going?

Hi fostermum- this sounds really rough on you. It must be very difficult if you have very few shared interests, and even kind of dislike the things each other are passionate about. I think that must be even more exacerbated because your passion is your children and foster children. I know that some of your foster kids have needed a huge amount of support and if you were not doing that as a partnership, it's easy to imagine your dh escaping into his biker world while you concentrated on the children. I guess you've just grown apart and it sounds like neither of you really want to grow back together again. If so, I suppose it's just about moving forward as you're doing and having a fab holiday and making plans for the future. Lots of love and luck to you.