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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP's bombshell

146 replies

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 15:35

DP has just dropped a bombshell... he slept with his female friend about 8 months ago. Now around this time we argued because I said he was spending too much time with her, didn't understand why he didn't want me to go shopping in the village she lived and found doodles of her name in his briefcase.

Well, I just feel numb. Don't feel angry, upset or anything to be honest.

Is this normal or am I just a mug?

He says he wanted to be honest with me as we've been tlaking about getting married. All day I've just been going thrugh the motions and not really sure what I should be doing. DP is going out later which I can't wait for because he keeps apologising.

Not really sure why I'm telling you or what I'm expecting you to say!

OP posts:

dollius · 22/11/2009 15:36

I think is is a definite signal that you ought to put the brakes on any plans to get married.

Do you have children?

V sorry you are in this position,

NorbertDentressangle · 22/11/2009 15:38

Wow! Bit of a bombshell that!

The only advice I would give is don't rush into anything (eg. forgiving or throwing him out, to name the 2 extremes!).

Take some time to think about this, how you feel, what you want to do etc.

I'm sure someone more helpful will be along but I couldn't read and run.

BelleDameSansMerci · 22/11/2009 15:39

You may not be feeling anything much because you might be in sort of emotional shock?

If not, do you think you were expecting this all along? Not sure I'd be numb in this circumstance. Would probably be v angry but then my "DP" doesn't have a great track record.

I suppose, really, you need to consider if this is a deal breaker for you or if you just want to get past it and carry on with your relationship. I don't think I'd be happy if he carried on spending time with this "friend" though!

Original poster

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 15:45

He hasn't seen friend for ages - I thought it was because she had a new bf but he's not seen any of that group of friends for ages and now I know why.

No children. We hadn't actually set any plans in motion to get married.

Not got a bad track record except for the pictures a girl he used to ork with sent him in her undies!

OP posts:

Mamazon · 22/11/2009 15:50

was it a one off or a fling? is it over now?

NorbertDentressangle · 22/11/2009 15:51

Did you post on here about your concerns at the time AuntieMaggie as it rings a bell?

It just goes to show though how your gut reactions (eg. the time you felt he was spending too much time with her) can be so right

skidoodle · 22/11/2009 16:02

Why would you stay?

No kids, not married, easy to leave this cheater and look for someone decent.

Getting over infidelity is a massive undertaking. Hardly seems worth the bother unless you've got a very good reason to stick around.

Original poster

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 16:03

I have posted about it I think, but after the fact as I didn't use mumsnet at the time.

Exactly Norbert - I should be angry at the rows it caused and the ay he treated me over my suspicions which turn out were correct.

It was a "two" off - it happened twice.

The only thing I really feel at the moment is annoyance at him apologising and talking about it and asking me what I want him to do.

OP posts:

groundhogs · 22/11/2009 16:18

Don't marry him. I'd be tempted to ditch him tbh, he doesn't deserve you.

thumbwitch · 22/11/2009 16:25

he has demonstratedd clearly that he is a cheat; that he is dishonest and happy to accuse you of all sorts of paranoias rather than admit the truth at the time; and that he doesn't mind hurting you to make himself feel better (I'll just bet the guilt was "eating him up").

Now - is this the sort of person you want to be married to? Or have children with?

Original poster

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 16:33

If I decide to end it I have to be sure as we're both completely skint and own a house that probably has negative equity at the moment so it's not as easy as just one of us leaving.

Maybe what I'm feeling is the calm before the storm...

I'm 33 he's 5 years younger than me. We've been together for 6 years and it hasn't been easy, but I was (until today) happier than I have ever been. We were talking about getting married, having kids, etc. He knows me better than anyone and supports me through everything. Although it's probably hard to believe he has been great to me and put up with more than most men probably would.

There is part of me that thinks that maybe it's me - every single bloke I've been out with has cheated on me. But I thought he was the one person who wouldn't hurt me like that.

He said he'll do whatever I want him to in order to make this work.

OP posts:

littlestmummystop · 22/11/2009 16:34

Can you even believe it was a 'two off' ?

Will be tough but if he gets away with this, he'll more than likely do it again. Sorry.

Original poster

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 16:34

So you don't think the fact he's told me counts for anything? Even though I probably would never have found out?

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 22/11/2009 16:43

Nope - it's just the guilt talking.

AuntieMaggie, if all yor bf's have cheated on you, that suggests you pick a certain type of man, not that there is anything "wrong" with you. Do not accept this behaviour if you cannot live with it in the future - becasue as littlestmummmystop says, if he gets forgiven this time, he's quite likely to think he can get away with it again.

dittany · 22/11/2009 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 22/11/2009 16:57

Had he admitted at the time when you were suspicious then maybe a few brownie points, but none for denying everything at the time and then dropping the bombshell when it suits him. Even the way he's pressuring you to move past it is a mark against him.

I would ask him to move out, since he's offering to do whatever it takes to get you to pretend it didn't happen. See how he reacts.

Bet he's crying loads and feeling very sorry for himself for "how he's messed everything up"

spicemonster · 22/11/2009 16:59

That is sooo about a clear conscience. Or he is worried you're going to find out another way. If he was truly contrite, he would have told you at the time rather than making you feel like you were being a bit of a nut when it happened and denying it.

Only you can decide if you can forgive him but that's a tough one.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2009 17:00

I am sorry

I would ditch him, love

When you had previous concerns did he lie and try and make you think you paranoid ?

That alone would be the deal breaker for me

Such manipulation and deceit. Hmm, if forgiven would be very tempting for him to try it again

And next time you may be saddled with young children too

Get out and find a decent bloke

Disenchanted3 · 22/11/2009 17:04

You aren't married, you don't have kids.

Leave him.

Don't wait until you have a couple of kids to tie you to him because he will do it again I'm sure.

Rindercella · 22/11/2009 17:05

I wonder what his motives are for telling you now? To clear his conscience? He's worried you're going to find out another way? I would be sooo angry that at the time you had your suspicions, he lied and turned it into your paranoia. That would be a deal breaker for me too.

However hard it is, the reasons for you staying with him should not just be based on finances.

Rindercella · 22/11/2009 17:06

Hmm...the dodgy photos on his phone from ex-colleague aren't good either. How many strikes does he get before he's out?

thumbwitch · 22/11/2009 17:06

oh yes, meant to say that the chances are you are in shock. When my fiancé left me, it took about 4 days for the reality to sink in - the whole of the next day I was in complete shock, totally numb - in the end I started to think there was something wrong with me as I wasn't upset enough, iyswim, so I watched Truly Madly Deeply on video and that opened the floodgates.

So for you - but wait a few days until the reality and enormity of his betrayal have sunk in and then think more about what you want to do.

Original poster

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 17:09

I didn't confront him and he didn't lie. It happened at the start of the year. He'd said a few weeks before that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore, and then he started spnding time with a group of friends he hadn't had anything to do with for a few years including this female friend. She split up with her bf so he started spending more time with her and I didn't confront him about cheating but I did get pissy about th fact that she seemed to b relying on someon who lived 20 miles away and hadn't sn her for years instead of her frinds and family.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 22/11/2009 17:11

Oh yeah, meant to say that those photos look distinctly dodgy in the light of the new information about him being a lying cheat.

Original poster

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 17:14

There is no possible way I would have found out - I never speak to said friends or see them as he rarely sees them either as they don't live very close to us.

I don't know what his motives are tbh other than he has said he wanted us to get married on a clean slate.

OP posts:

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