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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP's bombshell

146 replies

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 15:35

DP has just dropped a bombshell... he slept with his female friend about 8 months ago. Now around this time we argued because I said he was spending too much time with her, didn't understand why he didn't want me to go shopping in the village she lived and found doodles of her name in his briefcase.

Well, I just feel numb. Don't feel angry, upset or anything to be honest.

Is this normal or am I just a mug?

He says he wanted to be honest with me as we've been tlaking about getting married. All day I've just been going thrugh the motions and not really sure what I should be doing. DP is going out later which I can't wait for because he keeps apologising.

Not really sure why I'm telling you or what I'm expecting you to say!

OP posts:
Notquitegrownup · 22/11/2009 17:23

Agree that it all sounds v. worrying early on in a relationship, and that the fact that he was manipulative, rather than owning up at the time, is v. concerning.

The only light I see in what you have written is that "he said he'll do whatever I want him to in order to make this work." That sounds like an important statement. If you do decide to stay with him for a while, he must be on permanant probation. A relationship is about mutual respect. Any lies, small or large are now off the agenda. He has to prove that he respects and wants you to be his partner and his equal if he wants to consider being in a relationship with you. If you want counselling, now or at any time, then he will need to agree to go with you, to explore issues - not as a punishment, but as laying the foundations of a strong relationship. And if he objects - well, no man ever objects to having his car serviced regularly - his relationship should and could mean at least as much.

Think very very carefully about what you want from your relationship. It sounds as if you are prepared to go your separate ways, and IME it is probably better done sooner rather than later, as there is someone out there who will respect and love you and want to be with you. If he is that person, then he needs to be prepared to start afresh - not in order to make up for what he has done, but to build something worth investing a lifetime in. Why would either of you want to do that unless you were really prepared to walk a further mile?

dittany · 22/11/2009 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 22/11/2009 17:29

"If I decide to end it I have to be sure as we're both completely skint and own a house that probably has negative equity at the moment so it's not as easy as just one of us leaving."

You really can't stay with someone because of finances. One of you can buy the other out, you can move and rent out the house, you can sell the house and he sucks up any losses as it isn't your fault.

thumbwitch · 22/11/2009 17:34

what dittany said.

FleetMummy · 22/11/2009 17:36

It absolutely is not you. And I am sorry every man has ever cheated on you. I know that feeling.

On the one hand, he has confessed. There is something about the admission of guilt. Although it is eight months down the line.

On the other hand he has been unfaithful and there is no excuse for that.

And as for the female friend who knew he was living with you.... whatever happened to sisterhood?

Only you can decide what to do next.

He must know that he has shattered your trust in him. Trust is not an automatic right, it has to be earned. And you will not trust him whenever he goes out for a while.

I would say, take it slowly. Relationships can recover from this.

At the end of the day, it was just sex. It wasn't sneaking out week after week, or saying he was going to the gym and then seeing her. Which I am not sure I would ever forgive.

Good luck.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/11/2009 17:41

He has confessed because he feels guilty and telling you will mak him feel better. yes he has to look at you knowing he has hurt you but he doesn't have the guilt eating away at him and the terrified feeling that you will find out.

If he was being the better man (ignoring the fact that this would mean him not doing it in the first place) he would have lived with the guilt forever and not told you. He would have sucked up the guilt. Of course, that doesn't make your relationship any stronger, or mean that he won't do it again.

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 19:35

I wouldn't stay with him because of the finances - I just need to be sure what I want before going down that route because it's going to be difficult and I'll probably lose out.

He has already suggested counselling and has said that if I sty with him but decide 6 months down the line that I can't do it he will let me go.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm not making excuses for him but am trying to look at the whole picture. He is a loving caring man who would do anything for anyone. He is the bloke who gives up his seat for my pregnant friends while they're husbands look on oblivious and he cried the other night watching the devestation in cumbria. I can think of a thousand and one things he has done for me. But now he has cheated on me and I need to decide what to do about it.

OP posts:
FabHasHadHerSurprise · 22/11/2009 20:02

He will let you go?

Fucking hell.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2009 20:06

I'm sorry.

I don't like him, and I've never met him.

He cried for the floods in Cumbria? Christ, his bladder is a bit close to his tear ducts for me

But then I don't like crying men.

And that was a totally uncalled-for comment from me.

But wtf ???

dittany · 22/11/2009 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheUsefulSuspect · 22/11/2009 20:10

You know what you should do the question is, do you have the balls to do it.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2009 20:11

lol dittany, you too ?

< picks up scarf and brolly >

ladylush · 22/11/2009 20:24

The thing that bothers me most about this is that he knew you had issues with trust because of past relationships, but he went ahead and cheated - potentially destroying any chance you have of trusting men. That imo is a very very cruel thing to do to someone.

sincitylover · 22/11/2009 20:30

crocodile tears

EcoMouse · 22/11/2009 23:30

If he was aware of your past experiences with cheating partners, then cheating was a particularly callous thing to do to you.

He may appear to be great in many other ways, many cheats are, may abusers are. It is often why they 'get away' with doing it (and usually more than once).

Cheating on a partner is an act of abuse, many abusers abuse sporadically, this is at the height of what makes it difficult for their partner to break away.

"He's great, lovely, makes me feel wonderfull ...apart from when he's hitting me/namecalling/shagging someone else"

You seem overly grateful to him for being there, maybe when you were not at your best? Almost indebted to him...

Start thinking about all you have done for him and how he has thrown it back in your face!

SolidGoldBangers · 23/11/2009 00:07

He is basically Not That Into You. He thinks of you as someone who 'will do' as a partner (do you, by any chance, do all the housework, cooking etc?) but he doesn't really love you - he is still looking for a perfect partner.
Better to cut your losses and get rid, really.

Poohbearsmom · 23/11/2009 00:37

Im really sorry your going through this its awful & noone should be betrayed like that... I hate bloody cheaters if all they want is sex let them bugger off but have the decency to let ya find someone better who will love & respect you the way you deserve! Noone can Make this decision for you, its very difficult but just imagine how you would cope if ye had children or you were expecting when he had dropped this bombshel... It has happened & not once but twice & the other girly stuff (undies!?) really sets off alarm bells too... Take your time but get him outa your hair so you can breath & get your head round stuff on your own... That being said when you said he was going out later did ya mean like out wit mates havin craic... After doin this to you!!!!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/11/2009 01:46

Aunt Maggie. So very sorry this has happened to you - and I have a feeling the advice you're getting on this thread isn't what you want to hear.

Like others have said, I imagine you're still in shock - a kind of post-traumatic shock. It also sounds as though your DP has fallen from the most enormous pedestal, in that you thought he was so different from other men who have treated you badly. I agree with those who say that since he knew you'd been hurt by cheating before, this was particularly cruel.

That said, your confusion might be rooted in a belief that only "bad" people have affairs. The truth is that people who are perfectly kind, sweet, empathetic etc. are having affairs - and are therefore capable of cruelty, as well as kindness. Good people have affairs.

I think you need more information Maggie. I'm not completely convinced you know everything there is to know. Why did the affair end, for example? What has the contact been between him and this woman since? Can he show you texts or E mails (showing you his passwords to any remote communication at the same time)? And what's the full story with the picture texts he received - I assume he didn't expect you to believe that a woman would send these unsolicited?

When I did my reading on infidelity, I noticed that several therapists commented that male infidelity within the first 10 years of a relationship was a bad portent. This is because it alludes to a man not being sure he can really commit to one person. If he's doing this before you are married and have had children - and at a time when you only have eachother to concentrate on, what will he be like when you have DCs competing for your attention, or money worries and the lack of "us time" in those infant years?

It is monumentally difficult to get past infidelity at any stage of life, but although you have invested 6 years, you have learned some truths now about this man before children and a long shared history, muddy the waters of whether to stay or go. In your shoes, I'd probably end the relationship, because of all the warning signs I've mentioned above. However, if you do stay with him, don't even entertain getting married and having children until he has got to the root cause of his behaviour and established whether this abusive act (an affair is abusive) is symptomatic of his personality.

The biggest clues to whether he is really contrite are in his actions. Does he want to understand why he did this, as much if not more than you? Or does he hope that now his conscience is clear, it can be swept under the carpet, without ever learning anything about how it was possible to be this cruel to someone he was meant to love? Words are easy - actions are difficult.

Maggie, the other thing I wanted to say is that this is not your fault. The fact that others have cheated says far more about the men you have loved, than it says about you. Infidelity is a choice. Often people will come up with huge justifications for it, but it is always a choice people take rather than being honest with their partner about wanting someone else, as well as, or instead of their partner.

Far more often than you think, it isn't because there was anything wrong with the primary relationship, apart from a bit of boredom. Some people take up the opportunity to be unfaithful simply because they can - it isn't because it's a fault with you or the relationship. It's because of supreme selfishness and a sense of entitlement on the part of the betrayer. These are the character faults your DP should accept and work on, either with you or without you. And it is not your responsibility to ensure he does.

jasper · 23/11/2009 02:25

I'm confused.
There have been threads on MN recently by women who cheat and are considering telling their partners.
Many on those threads urged them to do just that, as without total honesty you can't move on, or some such thing.

Is it a different rule for men?

EcoMouse · 23/11/2009 02:27

Probably just different posters!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/11/2009 03:07

No different rule for men at all Jasper! I am always consistent in advising people to "tell all", but implicit in that is that the receovering couple must get to the root of what caused the infidelity in the first place. It's obvious to me that the "telling" is only the start of the recovery process - the hard work is in reaching a shared understanding of why this has happened.

Tbh, I accept that my advice is different in situations like this, when the infidelity has happened this early in the relationship, but it would be no different if this poster was a man, telling us his DP had been unfaithful and there there had been another worrying earlier incident.

The posters you referred to in other threads were in long relationships and betrayed spouses will very often forgive infidelity if it seems like aberrant behaviour. In such cases, betrayed spouses are much more likely to do the maths. and try to weigh up the decades of fidelity and loving behaviour, compared with a few months of insanity.

It sounds like in 6 years, this OP's DP has had two trust-reducing episodes and in a situation like this, the maths. produces a more negative result, don't you think?

AuntieMaggie · 23/11/2009 09:28

He has family and friends in Cumbria which is why he was upset - it's where he comes from.

The first incident - I know what happened, we've already gone through that. It happened at a time where we could barely be in the same room without arguing. She was married, started flirting with him over text messages and then started sending him pictures. I found them on his phone, sent her a few choice words from his phone which she wasn't very happy about (he showed me a message she sent him). A couple of weeks later his phone went off in the middle of the night and she was trying to get back in touch with him despite his having deleted her number and told her to leave him alone. Lucky for her I got the message instead of him and again said a few choice things. That was the end of it. They work in different parts of the country.

It does seem like aberrant behaviour and I know he has issues that he needs to work on. Alone.

Thank you for all your responses. I still am not sure what I'm going to do, I still feel it's too soon to make that decision.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/11/2009 09:51

Maggie, but he must have been flirting as well with this woman? Did he ever take responsibility for that, or did he say she was chasing him? Also, unless you tell us otherwise, it sounds as though he only ceased contact with her when you found out and that on both occasions, you were the one to send her packing. It sounds as though the first time he told her "to leave him alone" was after he'd been caught.

There are frequent threads about men engaging in inapropriate text relationships and unless couples get to the heart of why these are happening, chances are it will happen again, but next time progress to a physical affair. Removing the texting woman from the above situation perhaps didn't address the real problem?

With all this in mind, I can't really see that this is aberrant behaviour on his part.

SolidGoldBangers · 23/11/2009 09:55

AM: it sounds like this relationship simply isn't working and isn't going to work, because you love this man much more than he loves you. You will wear yourself out and make yourself wretched trying to make him love you 'properly'. NOt only is it not possible to make someone love you, it's dreadful for your mental health and even a tiny bit unethical (just because you love a person doesn't actually entitle you to love in return).

YOur decision is between these two possible futures, though: a) you bin him, cut your losses and move on or b) you decide that, actually, you love him enough to keep him and live in the knowledge that he will not be monogamous and may go and shag other people at any time.
Option c) where he stops chasing other women and commits to you completely is simply not available.

Malificence · 23/11/2009 10:32

I don't think that "good" people have affairs - I think that extremely weak people have affairs / one night stands.

"Good" people have the moral strength and courage not to cheat on a partner when their life is full of shit or their marriage is in difficulty.

If a person can't even trust themself not to cheat, how is anyone else ever supposed to trust them?

How come so many men seem to be "depressed" when they betray their wives? What a cop-out.

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