could you live away from your partner?

[whymummy]

ok,i'm really,really considering going back home,i'm missing my family and friends too much and is making me ill,the only solution would be for the children and i to move and dh stay here to work and come over at weekends,we've talked about it and although he knows how i feel he doesn't want to be on his own and he has a really good job over here and doesn't want to lose it,i don't want him to be miserable but i really want go so my questions are
would it work?
do any of you or your partners work away from home?
how do you feel about it?
if you were in my situation would you do it?

thanks nomedeplume,i have been very happy in england is just that after 14 years my homesickness is getting worse maybe because i'm getting old and i want to enjoy whatever time my parents have left i want to live life and be with my friends and laugh outloud,see my niece and nephew grow,just share every minute with the people i love and love me and that includes dh as well,this is why is so hard to go without him

Whymummy:

I'm in a similar situation. 7 years here (it was only supposed to be for 2 or 3) & I'm at my wits' end with unhelpful & self-satisfied in-laws, gutted that my best London friend just moved far away, and resigned to the fact that I'm unlikely ever to make the kinds of friends I have in New York, though I do have friends in London.

I took the kids to the US for 7 months in 2003-04. Then, just yesterday, I returned from 3 months in New York. Both times dh remained in London.

These separations did not help an already uncertain marriage.

That said, I lived intensely & happily both timesand it felt like a good antidote to the feelings of imprisonment I was having here. BUT it hasn't clarified the future for meit's only confused it more. And it makes me pine for home all the more.

There's no easy answer, whymummy. Good luck.

thanks expatkat,didn't know there was so many of us feeling this way,it took me ages to start this thread thinking people wouldn't understand and think i'm just selfish,i know what you mean about going over for long periods of time it just makes things worse,it takes me weeks to recover everytime i return,you realise even more what you're missing,is your dh english?

PS: I relate to those feelings of guilt and selfishness. BUT this is how it was (v. sensibly) pointed out to me by several friends:

Yes, I feel guilty asking Dutch dh to move to America with me because I know it would make him unhappy. So why is it fair for him to keep me in London when I'm unhappy here? Your situation is similar, and you could ask the same question.

(I never used to understand why married couples break up over an inability to compromise on a place to live. But now I understand now how easy it is for feelings to change after several years, and how the initial sense of adventure can be replaced by a sense of obligation to aging parents and nostalgia for old & true friends.)

you're right,why is it ok for us to be miserable? and it is putting a big strain in our marriage,we can't just divorce them and go,there's no way he'll let me take the kids,same for you i'm sure and we don't want it to come to that anyway so they could at least compromise and maybe try for just a couple of years,has your husband lived in new york before?does he enjoy it when he's there?even if he doesn't like the city you could live outside new york? has he even considered it?

gracias hausfrau
yes,it is the children that makes you more homesick,how long have you been over there?

Hi again. I don't know what else to say as I'm starting to think I may be a bad influence , but just wanted to tell you that I'm around and hope that you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel very soon.

Hausfrau, where you the person who post a thread long time ago asking for suggestions whether to go to Dublin or Germany?

hi chandra,you're not a bad influence at all,you've been a great friend and our long phone conversations have really helped.gracias

cds by michel thomas are great for listening to in the car, no writing, no homework,they are painless! has dh got a birthday coming up soon?hahaha

hi lucy5 ,thanks for that,i just ordered a few things from amazon but i will try that as well,i'll have one cd playing in every part of the house
how are you?

im fine having a good week, just about to break up from my horrible school and looking forward to 8 weeks hols. It's really really hot and tonight is St Juan so im off to watch a bonfire and you think the English are strange hahaha

LOL san juan,you also have to wet your feet in the sea
are you teaching english over there?where abouts are you?

Yes i teach in an international school. I live in estepona between Marbella and Gibraltar. Im looking forward to getting my feet wet its about 38 here. Just trying to keep dd awake as you know it wont start til late. Last year a huge house about 60 feet tall and full of aliens was built and burnt. This year its a castle with soldiers.

wow ds would love that,he's mad about soldiers,mind you he'll probably chain himself to the castle to stop them from burning it
how long have you been there?are you ok,do you enjoy it?apart from the heat,even i can't stand it,it's been horrible here today,got back home soaked in sweat and dehydrated,is ok if you can just run and get in the sea.
would there be food as well tonight?don't they do sardines,etc?

Ive been here about 18 months and on the whole I love it. Took dh 1 year to get the right job, he works in gibraltar now. Ive had a few problems with my job but thats just international schools it could happen anywhere. I love the outdoor life, I love the fact that you can take children anywhere at anytime. dd has just fallen asleep so it looks like we are going to miss san jauan this year but we will watch the fireworks off the terrace. Miffed that i will be missing the sardines and the big paella but hey this is Spain there will be another fiesta next week hahaha. If you could get your hubby down this way I dont think it will be so scarey for him. The Spanish community are very welcoming and there is an expat community if you want it, we dip into both . Gibraltar isnt far and with you dh profession he would find work. Things arent always rosey, ive found bueracracy hard and shop times and access to things difficult but that would be the same in any new country. It's much nicer being fed up in the sun. I hope your dh will give it a try.

meant to san juan, sorry!

thanks lucy5,i'm forever on the net trying to find him a job,let me know if you know of any good sites,the company he's working with does the conveyor belts in airports and they have a contract in barcelona,i'm crossing everything,my little sis lives there and my village is just 3 hours away on the train,i don't want to build my hopes up on that one though so i keep looking,so glad you are enjoying living there like you said the fact that you can take your children everywhere makes a big difference and the fiestas,isn't it great?have you been to the tomato one?we did 3 years ago,i've never had so much fun in ages,it's brilliant

Fingers crossed for you too. i havent done the tomato one yet but my first Semana santa procession spooked me. Looked like the kkk with whips, they are a bit more lighthearted in andalucia, dd loves them. For Carmen we tagged on the end of the procession to get home and she thought she was in it and was waving at everyone. There is a good site called www.wemploy.com which you fill out a Cv on, ill have a think. Barcelona would be lovely.

thanks lucy,i'm off to check it,lol @ your dd waving,how cute,how old is she?can she speak spanish yet or is she too little?

hope things go well for you too hausfrau,it will take time,how long you think you'll be there?

Shes 4 and can speak a little bit of Spanish. We first put her in a Spanish school but she found it really difficult. Shes quite shy and went into herself and refused to speak spanish. We took her out and put her into an international school (not mine) and she has daily spanish lessons and a spanish teacher and her best friend is spanish. she has really started to bloom. It's strange because you think that they are little sponges. I dont think it will be long before she is speaking Spanish properly now she doesnt feel different andhas got an idea of whats going on. She seems to be the exception to the rule all bar one of my non spanish friends children have had no problems whatsever.

i'm pleased she's getting there,i think my dd would be the same,she's so shy but like you say once they realise they're not different they will speak spanish,on my way back last time there was a 5 year old english boy on the plane and he spoke perfect spanish,valenciano and english,they lived in denia,is amazing how fast they can learn.oh i've been checking wemploy and there's very little in construction jobs,i will get dh to renew his cv so i can put it in there in case something comes up

I know its not here you are looking but there is alot of building going on in gibraltar. I'll ask dh about the employment agencies.

My dd corrects my andaluz spanish and makes me put the s's back on but I like it because its where I live and my snotty madrid friends laugh at me and tell me i'm wrong.