could you live away from your partner?

[whymummy]

ok,i'm really,really considering going back home,i'm missing my family and friends too much and is making me ill,the only solution would be for the children and i to move and dh stay here to work and come over at weekends,we've talked about it and although he knows how i feel he doesn't want to be on his own and he has a really good job over here and doesn't want to lose it,i don't want him to be miserable but i really want go so my questions are
would it work?
do any of you or your partners work away from home?
how do you feel about it?
if you were in my situation would you do it?

without being rude, it sounds like your dh is being quite selfish.if he would be able to get work in spain, and he knows how unhappy you are then it's really his turn to make a change i think.you have lived here for 7 years-your turn now i think.

whymummy, it could be that he's just completely scared. i thought if you suggested a fixed term period - with an exit plan - that would reassure him sufficiently to give it a go. i agree that it is your turn now. good luck with your discussions.

Hi Whymummy. I'm an unusual case in that I'm the woman working away from home with DD.

TBH, I don't find it hard, but that's because our relationship is in tatters. I only agreed to work abroad because I wasn't bothered about seeing dp anymore, so we're not in a mess because of my work overseas. It is actually working well as we only see each other alternate weekends and make an effort to be nice to each other.

I think you should sit and talk with DH. I really think you should go back to Spain for a trial time with him, otherwise you're just going to build up more and more resentment. Don't be like me though - keep your marriage together and go as a unit.

How about making a plan to move over in a years time, give him a chance to learn Spanish, arrange to rent your house etc etc. Get everything organised giving him time to get used to the idea, have worked lined up, do the finances, find new schools etc. Tell him that it's not something that can't be undone and if it doesn't work you can come back (I'm in the middle of arranging a move for us to Sydney for a year).

My feeling is that it would also be a great experience for your children too.

Good luck, let us know what you decide.

hi again and thank you for all your messages.
my ds and dd understand spanish but refuse to speak it,they go all shy,i think is because where we live is no one spanish so they find it embarrashing,i know for a fact that they'll be able to speak in no time at all.dh could get a job with BP (wich is right next to my village) and wouldn't need to speak spanish but as a maintenance electrician and he doesn't want to do that,i've told him it'll be just till he learns spanish but he won't i could also work full time so money wouldn't be a problem i wish he told me the truth instead of building my hopes up with promises,what is he so scared of?i'm starting to believe that maybe he's scared of me having a life

whereabouts in spain, whymummy? if anywhere near a big expat brit community, perhaps he could get more congenial work without needing to speak spanish?

whymummy what a tough decision.

In answer to your qs
I don't know if it would work
No
I wouldn't be able to do it, I even hate a couple of nights away.
I have no idea - I can't imagine how it must feel.

could your dh not learn spanish? Or would he feel just as miserable living in spain as you do here?

Hi I can really identify with you - will post later when I have time

What happened yesterday Whymummy? did he back off after suggesting it? I have been trying to get through by phone, to no avail so I just wanted to send you a big hug.

hi teeavee
bossykate there's no english where i come from,is the east coast near valencia,i wouldn't mind living in another part of spain till he learned the language,i've even looked for jobs in gibraltar,i'll go anywhere.
countessdracula this is the thing,he won't learn it,when we're there with all my friends having a brilliant time he always says how he would love to be able to join in instead of me having to translate all the time,i've bought him spanish lessons to listen in the car on his way to work and he hasn't even opened the box yet.
i'm going to have to really talk to him and agree on a years period and not take all his "yes,yes darling we will" anymore,set a date like you have sugested and just go for it.

hi chandra,sorry i came straight on here,i haven't spoken to him yet,i'm waiting for the right time,during the week his always stressed out and i wouldn't get anywhere with him

sorry for repeating myself, but i think he sounds very scared of the prospect. do you think he would be responsive to a sort of non confrontational conversation about what he sees as the drawback of moving? btw, i wouldn't worry about the learning spanish thing atm - put on the back burner. i would bet if you persuade him to go out there for a year, things will take their natural course and he will want to start learning of his own accord. just my 2c.

You could try only speaking spanish to him - he would learn pretty fast then!

I think your approach sounds good, if he knows a deadline is looming it may spur him on to do something about it.

yep like a shot, give me chance, in a heart beat,

My dh has spent about a 1/4 to a 1/3 of most years away from home.

We cope. It isn't fun, but you get used to it. I wouldn't choose it, but it comes with marrying into the services

you're right bossykate i need to find out what he's scared of,he once said he didn't want the children to loose their identity (???)i don't think is that that is stopping him though.
countess i wil have to just forget i speak english and talk nothing but spanish.
are you ok fostermum?
hmb,my dad always worked away and my mum coped with 4 children on her own,i wouldn't be on my own because i have so much family and friends over there but he would if he was to stay so i think the only solution is to talk to him about moving for a year,maybe in a year's time,rent this house and see how we got on,you never know the heat and the crazy drivers might make want to come back,lol
seriously though i need to try as the resentment could destroy my marriage and then it'll be worse as i couldn't take the children away

whymummy, Im following this with interest. dx is from another country, and one of the questions I asked myself before we married was would I be prepared to live with him in his country?
Am trying to find a logical explanation why it should be any different for men. except that they like to lead the family and expect others to follow!
I think your dh has some issues though. Why hasnt he learned your language? As for losing identity - I got that from my mother. She was determined to bag the children for Britain! Your children also have a Spanish identity.
Living in different countries is part of having an international marriage. Its unreasonable to expect one partner to make all the concessions. If he hasnt thought about living in Spain, he should think about it now!

But sadly Im no expert in persuading a man that he's being unreasonable when he is, so no helpful advice there Im afraid!

thanks nightynight,i keep thinking that he didn't drag me here against my will,but he always talked about living in spain,how much he loves it there etc,i didn't realised he was probably talking about retiring there it is so much harder when you have children,my mum and dad are missing them so much too although they've never put presure on me to return,i just feel so totally lost and lonely,i need to go back before is too late,my mum and dad are gone,my children don't want to move etc,i've never ever been selfish but i can't stand being away from home anymore,i don't know why i feel so bad now,i've been homesick for a long time but is worse now.

whymummy, your last post could have been written by me! I too am feeling v homesic, neither was I dragged here against my will, but I'm seriously thinking of moving back home before ds gets to shool age. the only problem for us is, what could dp do obver there? he has learnt the language, though not nearly well enough, he needs further schooling, but economically we wouldn't be much better off there than here....On the ohter hand, I miss my family much more since I've had kids, and am finding it v hard to make friends here. tbh, 7 years sounds a long time, but it's easy to see where all the months fgo, waiting to feel better....I would say that you need to impose a proper discussion with your dh - my dp also says 'yes, we will' etc but it is often the woman who has to bring things to a head in these maters, otherwise things will just keep trundling along.
I too am closer to my family /friends than dp

hope this works out for you - these internaitonal relationships are brill in many ways, but they do require some sacrifices too.

thinking of you anyway

hi teeavee
where are you living?is nice to know there's others feeling like me,i keep feeling guilty and wondering why i can't be happy with what i've got.everthing came to boiling point last night,he came in a bad mood,complained about dinner and i just had the worst outburst in my life,i cried like i haven't cried before, even told him he's ruining my life ,he said we need to wait till he can afford to buy a place over there,then rent this one and let that money pay both mortgages,he will stay here till his job is finish,he says most of the men he works with are from the north and travel every weekend,i told him i don't want him to stay but he says is the only way for now,i still feel guilty and selfish

whymummy
dont feel guilty. It is very hard living in another country (I am at the moment). Most of the time its great, but there is always some extra stress. Its not the same as living near where you grew up, however well you speak the language.

I had a similar outburst once, when I was stuck in an awful job, fortunately dx agreed to move!

Hello whymummy, I have only just seen this thread. I really feel for you, as I am living away from England and get so terribly homesick sometimes. I have also considered doing what you suggested in your original post, simply leaving with dd. But she loves her daddy so much and so do I.
My husband pretty much says we will never live in England again.
Are you a SAHM? If so, is there any way you could get a job as I think that would help a lot.

dh and I already spent the first 5 years of our marriage living in separate countries (I wanted to finish my studies) and it was incredibly hard. I would NOT recommend it if you have a choice. But you may feel you don't have a choice if you are so lonely and homesick.

I think it is very selfish of your dh not to try and learn Spanish - why should you be the one always speaking in your second language ??? (says me, battling to learn German !)

Have you told your dh that you are seriously contemplating time away? Could you take go to Spain for a short time and see how you feel then (you could be seeing it through rose coloured spectacles if you see what I mean).

If you are feeling so bad, you must talk to your dh. I don't think you are being selfish AT ALL. YOU are the one who has left your home, your family, your culture and it is harder than anyone who has not done so can ever realise.

Whymummy, of course you don't want him to stay, but probably is not such a bad idea, I'm sure that if you go over there first, you will have some time to sort things up like finding a house, a school, keep an eye open in case that suitable position for you or him, in a nutshell to try it out opens without the pressure that not being receiving any salary may bring.

Don't feel guilty, it's only natural that you feel like that after so many years here feeling isolated. And about not being happy with what you got... well, I think you only miss what you once had, so again, it's natural. The good thing is that you are going to visit your family soon and can use the time to start checking how viable the move is at this point.

Manyh hugs.

the "opens" is supossed to be after "position"....

hi nightnight where are you living?sorry you're feeling homesick too the same for footprint and chandra,footprint is your husband german?why doesn't he want to come back,it must be really hard for you too
chandra i'm going to do that as soon as i get there,i'm sure the school wouldn't be a problem,i will check the papers for jobs for myself,i need to get dh to give me his cv and translated,i'm also trying to think of ways for him to learn spanish while we're away,classes are out of the question as he works long hours but maybe a good program with cd's and dvd's or something,i've been thinking all morning,i'm hoping that once we move over there he'll want to be with us so much he will learn the language,and yes i should get a job over here in the meantime,not having any family around doesn't help but if i can get something where they're pretty flexible if one of my children are unwell then i could do it.i will start looking as soon as the children are back at school in september.
thank you for your messages they're really helping x

My husband works away regularly and I find it really hard going with 3 kids, it's definitely not something I'd choose to do. But if you are genuinely miserable here in Blighty then staying here isn't an answer either. Tough one...