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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can there be a happy ending ?

28 replies

MillyMollyMoo · 10/11/2009 09:00

I'll try and keep this brief.
DH and I met when I had my DD aged 11 months and was lonely living a dreadful "life" of working/sleeping nothing in between, hardly saw DD awake.
Being with him gave me the opportunity of a family life, I got pregnant with our baby and gave up work and was relatively happy, but there was never any courting between DH and I. We married and had DC3
So 7 years later I wanted another baby, we were going through a rocky patch and I talked him into (against lots of MN advice ) trying for another and I am 9 weeks pregnant.
He's being vile, swearing at me, rowing over silly things that do not matter.
Money is tight, isn't it for everyone, so we as a couple and as a family aren't doing much fun stuff togther.
So today I am going to the GP to ask for an abortion, mainly for my other childrens sake because what ever happens I will not allow them to suffer.

Should I be seeing a solicitor as well, I cannot work out if this is survivable as a relationship, we actually have very little in common aside of the children, but that is because the children absorb all the spare income that would be spent on the things we have in common if that makes sense ?

OP posts:

RealityBites · 10/11/2009 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

curvychick · 10/11/2009 10:08

The way he is treating you is bullying manipulative and very unkind If he was unsure about having another child he should have spoken up before hand and made sure that another pregancy could not occur. To get you pregnant and then throw his toys out of the pram is dispicable. I am really so sad for you.

Please think very carefully about the abortion though. It sounds from your OP that this baby was very much wanted on your part, whereas your relationship with your DH has been a bit iffy for a while. Do you think you could manage with 4 on your own if your H doesnt sort himself out?

Do you have freinds or family in RL who you can discuss everything with? I found myself in a similar situation when pg with dc2 and my rl friends were invaluble.

I really do feel for you....

SolidGoldBangers · 10/11/2009 12:14

I think you will feel very bad about it if you terminate a wanted pregnancy to please a man who is not showing himself to be very lovable at the moment anyway. Please bear in mind that he might piss off even if you do terminate (or you might decide you can't live with him any more).
I am 100% in favour of a woman's right to choose, but you sound unhappy about it so do try and give yourself a little time to think it all through and explore your options.

diddl · 10/11/2009 12:20

If you truly believe it´s best for you and the children, then go ahead with a termination.

But you sound so unsure, and it sounds more for him.

Would he leave you if you have the baby?

Could you consider leaving him?

ElenorRigby · 10/11/2009 13:14

OMG so sorry to hear of your situation.
You really are at a cross roads here.
If you terminate you will probably resent him and the relationship may not survive.
If you don't he will probably resent you and the relationship may not survive.

Think long and hard. You really wanted this baby at first yeah? How will you feel if you terminate and then the relationship does not survive anyway.
Its a minefield all round. Try to take as much time as you can. See if can speak to people, get some advice and perspective from others.

FWIW my first post here was about being pregnant, my DP not wanting it and facing the prospect of being a single mother. My first scan of DD was in Marie Stopes clinic.

I could not go through with it and have my beautiful DD with me now. It has been the toughest 3 years of my life, with no doubt.
However she is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love her so bloody much.
So there was a happy ending but it has been bloody hard.
Best of Luck with whatever you decide.

ElenorRigby · 10/11/2009 13:16

DP and I are still together, we took the decision to go with the flow and take things as they came.

shamsham · 10/11/2009 13:33

shamsham

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 10/11/2009 13:35

He has nowhere to go and neither do I so nobody can leave anybody if that makes sense.
He wants to abort and then see what happens, I've made the appointment but then went and sobbed on a friends sholder for a while and now I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

shamsham · 10/11/2009 13:46

Sorry about the above. FWIW here is my story.. I too am on the brink of single parenthood to 4 dcs. This will be a lot easier than being in a crap r/ship with 3 dcs. My beautiful 4th dc was conceived on around the first and only time my STBXP was physically violent to me . I only too k him back because of my fear of being a single parent to four. Well he didnt change and I am currently making plans to leave.
I am however so glad to have my 4th dc. The older kids dote on her and she is tryly a blessing esp in the darkness of the last couple of years.
Every woman is different and its your body, your family, your choice. Dont have a termination to try and save a relationship. My d/d was conceived into a terrible situation re money, r/ship housing, but she is the light of our lives

HOpe you dont think I'm some anti abortionist (im not)but just wanted to give you my perspective as my situation is similar in some ways..

thatsnotmymonster · 10/11/2009 13:50

Why does he want the abortion so much? Whaat are his actual reasons?

I think if you have an abortion you will end up feeling so guilty/depressed and angry towards your dh that it will screw things up even more for you.

It is more likely that having the baby will bring you closer together than having an abortion. However it doesn't really sound as though it will work out either way.

I know what you mean about not having money to do the things you enjoy together. We are like that- we enjoy sports like climbing/mountain biking and skiing. They are expensive and time consuming so if we do ever get to do them then it is one of us while the other looks after the dc's. It is pretty shit and our relationship is not at it's best atm BUT my DH loves me, supports me and does not try to bully or manipulate me.

tinkerbellesmuse · 10/11/2009 14:45

I am so sorry for you.

Abortion when you don't want a baby is hard, when you do I think it would be incredibly difficult to get over and I would be suprised if an all ready rocky relationship could survive the emotional fall out.

Please think carefully about what you want and take care of yourself.

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 10/11/2009 15:28

It's not so much that he wants an abortion it's that he never wanted the pregnancy and I did bully him into it, but it did take a year to happen so wasn't an overnight decision.
I've been to the GP's and spoke to his Mum and my Mum today and am 90% certain I'm keeping the baby no matter what, it's just a case of whether he is sticking around or not.

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 10/11/2009 18:24

very pissed off I gave you heart felt advice and didnt bother in even a small way to acknowledge that in even the tiniest way.
Trot on

itsmeolord · 10/11/2009 18:31

Nice response elenor. OP might just have her own emotional welfare at the forefront right now.....

Best of luck OP. Being a single parent is not easy but not without its rewards either.

mankymummymoo · 10/11/2009 18:32

Elenor .

OP is in a massively difficult siutation and you are giving her grief for not individually replying to your post?

SolidGoldBangers · 10/11/2009 18:35

Good luck whatever you decide. I have found that women who terminate pregnancies because someone else wants there not to be a baby (whether that's a partner or family) regret it more than women who make their own choice to terminate.

ElenorRigby · 10/11/2009 18:35

trot on

mankymummymoo · 10/11/2009 18:36

MMM... I'm in a similar situation and had the fortune to have a long chat with my GP (im 6 weeks PG).

I too have DC already and a difficult/unstable relationship.

Best advice he gave me today was...

"Can you see yourself coping with your situation on your own if you had the baby, should it come to that..."?

I asked him how much input he thought the father should have and he shocked me, saying that to be honest he doesnt think what the father feels is relevant because the father can always walk away. And even if he doesnt walk away, he always knows he CAN walk away, which is a massive thing compared to a woman who almost always can never give up that responsibility.

I wish you luck.

itsmeolord · 10/11/2009 18:41

Nice elenor. Fab attitude.

RealityBites · 10/11/2009 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

warthog · 10/11/2009 18:49

elenor, you can't take this to heart. you put a lot into your post, but people don't always respond specifically. you have to think about whether you're prepared to invest that much. get your post deleted if you feel you've revealed / invested too much.

the op is in a very dark place right now. she might not be in a position to consider everyone else's feelings. she's just asking for help and maybe she's not the person to give you what you need.

you might want to reconsider posting about this in future. tis a normal part of answering threads ime.

poshsinglemum · 10/11/2009 19:17

Elenor! I don't understand why you are so upset with the op. Chill.

Lots of people give heartfelt advice hear and I know I have often been unable to thank everyone who has been kind enough to post.

Op- if you don't want your abortion don't have it. You will regret it. I have been in a similar situation and it is soooo hard.

AnyFucker · 10/11/2009 19:22

oh dear elenor, if we all posted with the specific aim of an individual reply this site would grind to a halt

I am sure the OP read and appreciated your very lovely and supportive post

macdoodle · 10/11/2009 20:37

Elenor its the OP's thread not yours, you posted for her benefit not yours, if you want individual comments then start your own thread - you sound totally barking

Original poster

MillyMollyMoo · 11/11/2009 08:27

Elenor, I coul;dn't get on the computer for very long last night was just snatching moments here and there and felt the priority was to let people know the baby was staying and yes you did influence that decision, so thank you for your post.

OP posts:

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