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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I just give up and walk away

28 replies

destroyed · 30/10/2009 09:19

DH and I been having problems for a few years. He doesnt want to have sex with me anymore, there is no physical or intimate contact at all. Apparently this is because he was badly neglected when DC were small, I suffered with PND and did'nt, could'nt respond to his sexual advances. I have spoken to him about this on numerous occasions and basically the matter has never been resolved. Do I give up and move on? We have DC and been married a long long time. Still love him but he seems content to plod on as is, knowing I am hurting, but basically lives to work and works to live IYSWIM. Great father but does'nt devote any time to me at all. I would do anything to keep our marriage alive, he wont go to counselling.

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 30/10/2009 09:34

Sympathy to you, I know from reading other threads like this that this not a good place to be in a relationship.

If he refuses to address the problem then I wouldn't blame you for moving on eventually.

I also wouldn't be surprised if his lack of sex drive had nothing to do with the fact that you withheld sex from him in the past. I imagine there is another cause which he doesn't want to or can't deal with and it is easier to blame you.

WHat sort of relationship does he have with his mother?

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 09:39

His mother lives abroad, we don't see her from year to the next altho they speak on the telephone each week. Why?

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Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 09:56

Hes more or less saying, I'm fine, if you are unahppy then leave. Is he trying to push me out. Is he being a coward. Is he just testing me? I am in turmoil.

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iliketurquoise · 30/10/2009 10:04

he doesnt want to do anything, he is waiting you to do it, for example leaving him.
then you will do all the effort, and maybe you will get the blame.
you can go to counsellor yourself.
and then decide what to do.

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 10:29

Think you might be right, although a big part of me thinks the he thinks I am not brave enough to end it and as a consequence it just goes on and he lives his life the way he does. Although for the life of me, I don't see what he is getting out of the marriage, other than a miserable, hurt and moody wife?

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AccioPinotGrigio · 30/10/2009 10:33

I mentioned the mother because sometimes (not always) this behaviour can be linked to a rejection by the mother in earlier life. I am not suggesting this is the case with your H.

God knows what he wants or what his motives are. Maybe he is a coward and wants the relationship to end without having to say "it's over" himself or maybe he genuinely wants you to stay in the marital home but as more of a housekeeper/cook/au pair.

I agree with the previous poster who suggested that you should seek some counselling for yourself. You need some perspective on this and that is one way of getting it.

How old are your dc's? Are they picking up o the tensions. Remind him that your relationship will be the model against which they form their own relationships - does he really wish his kids a future of cold, loveless marriages.

He is very selfish in refusing to address this problem and I am sorry you are going through it.

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 10:38

I really don't know, I just don't get it. He seems reasonably happy, talkative, we go out as a family, just no affection there whatsoever. I feel so lonely. I want to be cuddled and held. I feel so unattractive and undesirable, I look ok (groomed etc) but I FEEL like nothing.

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AccioPinotGrigio · 30/10/2009 10:45

Why won't he go to counselling?

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 10:47

He wont go to counselling because he considers it to be, his word, 'a load of bollo**. He doesn't need anyone telling him how he should feel etc. TThis is despite the fact I have told him its not like that.

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AccioPinotGrigio · 30/10/2009 10:59

Oh that's helpful.

So if you asked him now "are you happy with our relationship" he would say .... "Yes, it's fine, I am happy and I love you but just don't want to have sex with you? All the problems are yours and if you don't like it then you can leave me"

Which of course is contradictory because if you really love someone you wouldn't present them with an opportunity to leave you.

HappyWoman · 30/10/2009 11:00

I wonder too if he wants to be the 'victim' and can then say that you left him.

What would he say if you were to say that you dont want to leave the marriage but you do need to have some sex and cuddles and would like to go elsewhere for that side of the relationship??

It can only work if you both want the same things and are a team.

pandaiis · 30/10/2009 11:49

Were you affectionate with him even when you rejected his sexual advances?

I can sort of see it from your dh's pov because my partner has spent the last few years rejecting me for months on end when it comes to sex.

For the first time in 4 mos he decided the other night he wanted sex. I just couldn't do it and didn't want to either. I've been feeling so hurt, rejected and frustrated and got really pissed off that now he wanted it on his terms I was meant to go along with it.

But I do think that your dh really needs to cut you some slack as you were suffering from depression.

I can also see it from your pov as my P has not only cut out sex but all other signs of affection. It's a bloody awful situation to be in, being with someone and feeling so lonely.

Find it really interesting about realtionship with their mums as I know P had an awful one with his.

Instead of jumping straight back into sex maybe build it up a bit. A massage or something to get the contact starting again.

No real advice for you, sorry, as we are at breaking point ourselves.

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 16:45

Happy Woman, I was wondering that too, about him being the 'victim'.
AccioPinotGrigio, that sums it up.
pandaiis, so sorry you are in similar position, it hurts so much doesnt it. If I didnt love DH I would pluck up the courage to go but I feel he is just shutting me out on purpose as we do jog along quite reasonably I suppose and he usually kisses me hello and goodbye when coming and going, but that is the TOTAL of his affection. I feel so ugly. How do you cope pandaiis because I am at my wits end and in constant tears when there is no-one around.

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Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 18:49

Ha! being sarcastic. Had a very 'brief' chat this morning as he was leaving for work about why I am so sad, and tearful etc and get told yet again he doesnt want to have sex with me. I told him we need to talk and naturally as he was leaving for work he said it wasnt the time. Just phoned to say he is working late!!! I am just NOT a priority. Feel like I am breaking down yet have to keep going and put a smile on my face for DC.

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StirlingNeedsAScaryName · 30/10/2009 18:59

Do you think it would be helpful destroyed for you to have counselling on your own? It may help you to move on and see the relationship differently.

Relate will see people on their own or you could do what I did and have a look in your yellow pages under Counselling and find a relationship counsellor locally. Just make sure they are qualified.

I think it will help to talk it all through with someone

posieparker · 30/10/2009 19:04

I think you should tell him counselling or it's over. I do think a good relationship that suffers sexually can be overcome and made great again but I think RELATE are the best people to help.
OP you deserve to be made to feel sexy and desired and most of all loved and at the moment your DH is not doing that and showing no positive signs of ever doing it again.

SolidGhoulBrass · 30/10/2009 19:13

It sounds like he wants the domestic servicing to continue and doesn;t care about what you might be feeling.
I agree with the poeple who suggest you go for counselling or somethign by yourself, it will help you whether you decide to stay or go.

HansieMom · 30/10/2009 19:50

I wonder if he is a closet gay. Or bisexual. Just not ready to face it yet, so here he is, married, family man, but not engaged in sex with a woman which he doesn't want to do anyway?

lighthouse · 30/10/2009 19:55

Working late, are you sure he is not having an affair?

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 20:02

No, i don't know anymore. He is def not gay. Its like payback time for all the times i rejected him when I had PND, why cant he see that that makes his life sad too, it surely can't be fun for him to live like this, CAN IT?

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ABatDead · 30/10/2009 20:28

Were things OK before you had PND? How long did you reject him when you had PND? How long is it since your PND ended and you felt you wanted him again?

Here is an alternative explanation which fits what he said.

I suspect he was very badly hurt by being constantly rejected. He then built a shell around himself to stop himself having any sexual feelings about you. That shell is still there.

If you rejected him for a long time then to be honest it is unfair to expect him to just let his guard down in 5 minutes. He is not a machine you can switch on and off now you want him again.

The key to unlocking this if he will not go to counselling is to let him talk about how he felt when you rejected him. He is trying to communicate just how bad he felt by showing you just how it feels by rejecting you now.

At the moment you are trying to tell him how you feel - you need to help him to let all his pain and hurt out first and that shell to soften.

He still loves you and DC but he is still very hurt. You had PND and now you feel fine. That is not your fault but he cannot be expected to just pretend like it never happened and how forget how hurt he was.

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 20:44

ABatDead - I probably rejected him frequently over a period of 3 years (2 DC) but we never went longer than a couple of months without sex. I had PND twice and that coupled with zero family support and prozac sex was the last thing on my mind. I have not had PND for over 5 years now but DH vowed never to come near me again. He has pretty much kept to that we have prob had sex a dozen times in 5 years. How can he love me when he knows how much this hurts. He has made it HIS CHOICE. I didnt have a choice, circumstances and medication chose for me. I would appreciate your male prospective on this.

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Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 20:45

Prior to pregnancy he was as loved and attended to as ever could be

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/10/2009 20:55

Were you formerly known by the user name Ringing The Changes? Your story sounds so familiar, with the exception that this time, there is no mention of material wealth. Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree here - just wanted to check before posting.

Original poster
destroyed · 30/10/2009 20:58

No, its just me, have been lurking for a while and not posted before. Have to say, my thread is perhaps not that unfamiliar I agree

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