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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Staying calm!

45 replies

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 15:59

Can anyone give me any advice please! My Partner is leaving me and i am finding it really hard to keep it together! I cant get it out of my head, cant concentrate on anything just want to cry all the time and feel terribly sick. I am so in love with him! I am not letting anyone see this side of me. Friends and family say im very strong, but how do you actually stay that way when alone?

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EJsMum · 26/05/2003 16:14

Sympathy and hugs going out to you Forest. Keeping it all inside will not benefit you in any way. Do you have a close friend/family member that you can trust? Even if you feel that you can't tell everyone how you feel, it may help to share it with one person you really trust and feel comfortable with.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 16:20

Thankyou, i do have friends that i talk to its just there are times when you have to be alone ! When you aren't busy it all comes flooding back I cant believe its happening and panic

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EJsMum · 26/05/2003 16:29

It must be very difficult for you when you still have such feelings of love for him. I wish there was something you could do to make these horrific feelings go away, but I think maybe it's a case of riding the storm and trusting that you WILL come out the other side

Cha · 26/05/2003 16:30

Oh, love. It is so so awful in the first few days / weeks. My heart goes out to you. All I can suggest is that you talk as much as you can to as many of your friends that you can. It helps get a perspective on things that if you sit alone and think too hard on seem so much worse. Remember too that you are in mourning and treat it as such. Grieving the loss of anything is painful and takes time. It is just horrible going through that time. Everyone will say things get easier, and they do, I promise, it's just that you've got to get through this period when everything is still so raw. So take care of yourself - try and get enough to eat and sleep and don't be hard on yourself if you can't concentrate on kids, work etc as well. Big cyber hugs - keep posting on mumsnet, we are all here for you xxx

M2T · 26/05/2003 16:41

I know it's a cliche, but time IS a great healer.
As time passes you'll realise that you are thinking about it less and less and when you do think about, the pain will lessen too.

Just keep yourself busy and hang in there.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 16:51

Im weeping again, in the space of an hour i get angry that he could even consider doing this to us all. Then i start to wonder why hes been telling me he loves me up until now. Then i get hysterical until im wailing like a banshee. Then i have 15 minutes of optimism till the whole pattern starts again!

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sykes · 26/05/2003 16:57

Sympathise so much as am in the same boat - but we did have problems before. Some days are better than others (I'm posting under my husband has left me). So sorry for you and it hurts like hell. I just don't understand it at all.

M2T · 26/05/2003 16:59

Forestfly - I was exactly the same when my relationship with my ex-fiance broke down, although there were no children involved.

Believe me the time in between the intervals of deep sadness WILL get longer and longer until you find you have gone a whole day without crying or even wanting to.

Keep posting.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 17:04

Thankyou everybody, sorry Sykes its happening to you i wouldn,t wish it on anyone! I suppose im protecting my feelings a bit by hoping he will change his mind. It is just not rational behaviour! The things that really get me is my kids saying things like, are you upset we'll get Daddy!

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M2T · 26/05/2003 17:05

Forestfly and Sykes - from what I've read it seems you could help each other a lot here. Good luck to you both.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 17:10

Thankyou M2T

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hopey · 26/05/2003 17:33

ForestFly, try to keep strong. Its horrible I know. Cry if you feel like it. Get the emotions out, it will help the healing process. Like you my ex-dp told me he loved me up until he left. Who knows what goes through their heads. I'm thinking of you.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 17:36

Nice name Hopey! Not smoked for 5 years and just went to the shop for some (dont worry i'll be smoking in the garden!) Cant get a grip on this one just about to panic again!

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Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 17:41

He just rang to see how i was (how does he think i F*** am!) Told him i was fine and put the phone down

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Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 18:38

Really, really crying, now starting to wonder how people get through this. These evenings alone are going to be tough. Nothing is taking my mind off it, nobody is answering the phone!

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hopey · 26/05/2003 19:03

Please don't worry. I felt just as you do now and sometimes still do. But it does get less over time. Keep posting. If noone is answering their phone, there will be people here to talk to you. Its a very scary thought being on your own, but you'll get used to it and probably quite like it. I value my time on my own now, as I didn't get it when ex-dp was around. You can suit yourself. Just keep talking. It really helps.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 19:48

Thankyou Hopey, i'm just pacing the floor, picking up a book, turning the t.v on and off , looking at my boy sleeping. Dont know what to do with myself, i know i wont be able to sleep, just want to hold him, for him to say he's changed his mind. How long will this last?

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hopey · 26/05/2003 20:16

I'm sorry I can't tell you how long it will last. Its been two months for me and I still go through a range of emotions. One minute I feel calm about everything, the next I feel lost. But I do feel that its getting easier to deal with and less often.
Has your dp got someone else? Is there a chance he could come back. I really feel for you. If you've read my thread (my partner has left me) you'll know my story. It hurts, but it helps to know where you stand. If it is final. Its hard to move on if things are up in the air.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 20:32

Didn't relise it had only been two months, you sound really together. He hasn't left for anyone else he's just not been himself lately, and thinks he could be happier alone. At the moment he's trying to find his father, he was adopted and found out his real mum was a relative. A lot of pain has been caused in his heart that he won't deal with. Also he's studying at uni, exam time and cant handle his domestic life.Meeting people with no ties has really had an effect on him. We have also spent a week in Hospital with our son as he was born with a heart problem. No money everything. The pressure has really been on! We have been arguing, but i really thought it was a thing we were into together. I didn't realise the pressure he was under would make him leave. We always said if you were in love enough you rode out the storm! As for him coming back he's adamant that this will make all our lives happier in the long run. Thanks for replying Hopey i will read your thread and i hope you will be alright too!

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sykes · 26/05/2003 20:43

Can you not ask him to go to counselling? Put his son before himself for at least a while? It's so difficult when there are outside pressures and you can blame your every day life for unhappiness. I really know how hard it is - my h has gone and has left me for a person he barely knows, 12 years his junior who he's now living with. I have 2 dds and am so sad for them and me. Do keep posting - it helps. You have to talk to get you through.

Original poster

ForestFly · 26/05/2003 22:49

Went to bed started thinking, back up, chain smoking!

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Original poster

ForestFly · 27/05/2003 00:06

Wish i could get the comfort i usually get from him when i feel c**p. Suppose im going to have to find it from somewhere else now. Just read Hopeys thread and feel numb. Can't believe this is a everyday occurence. Just like child birth! Going to try and sleep it, will feel wierd not being able to roll over and hug him
(just realised i rely on spellcheck!)

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spacemonkey · 27/05/2003 07:53

so sorry you're going through this forestfly - i agree with the others who have asked if he will consider going to see a counsellor with you ... perhaps it has all become too much for him to handle and he needs to escape for a while?? i'm not saying it's right that he's left you and your ds, but just wondering if it's a temporary thing. Whatever happens, please try to cling on to the fact that you WILL be ok - and that is a fact, no matter how bad you are feeling now. I know it's hard, the worst feeling in the world, but you will get through it. I know it sounds drastic, but if you find yourself feeling absolutely desperate in the middle of the night and can't ring anyone, consider ringing the samaritans - not suggesting you're suicidal! but they are there for anyone, and sometimes in this sort of crisis situation, you just have to be able to wail at someone else, it just helps more than wailing alone. My heart goes out to you xxx

spacemonkey · 27/05/2003 07:58

PS - it's a bit of a long shot, but is there a friend or family member who can come and stay with you, even if just for a few days? Please don't be afraid to ask for help and support from those that are close to you - they will want to help you. Also, don't feel that you should be keeping it together - the way you're feeling and reacting to this at the moment is perfectly normal! xxx

Original poster

ForestFly · 27/05/2003 10:22

Hes gong to see a counsellor this afernoon, it was arranged before he left, so he could talk about his family. Didn't want me to go. I hope she tells him to sort it out and come back home. Then again he might not mention me!

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