Over or under reaction

[gonnabehappy]

I will really appreciate some input here - my brains are scrambled. Most of the story is on 'healing after the affair' so I will just describe this week.

Eldest son's best mate took an overdose last Sunday. For very complex reasdons she effectively has no parents and her grandparents who were supposed to be caring for her were out of the country. Son and I spent Sunday night, Monday and Tuesday at the hopsital (I was shocked to find that if there is no 'responsible' adult she would not be supplied with toothbrush and toothpaste after vomiting for hours, neither could she activate the TV when moved to an ordinary teen bed without a credit card - what on earth is happening in the NHS...but that may be for another thread). As you can imagine is has been a truly terrible few days, and son is exhausted emotionally and physically. I guess so am I.

Then just as things have settled, I get a telephone call from the school. It appears that middle son had saved up his pocket mney to buy a BB gun (something he knew he was NOT allowed to have under any circumstances). Of course he took it into school to show off to his friends, and accidentally fired a shot (I am pretty sure he did not realise it had any ammo in it, it did only have one pellet). Quite properly he is now excluded from the school for a day and may receive a talking to from the police when he returns next week.

Then, having got upset about the level of deceit I deceided (WHY????) to look at husband's phone. Yep - although he now is aware enough to wipe all texts emails etc if he does not want me to see them it was possible to see that he had been searching his address book for OW contact details. Of course I went upstairs and asked him what this was about. He said he could not remember.

I then went back downstairs and tried to get back into his facebook and personal email - those he used to stay in touch with OW before. I couldn't - no surprises there I knew he had changed passwrds. He came down and asked what I was doing. I told him and asked him to let me see his facebook. Guess what - he could not remember how to get into either facebook or hotmail! However he did 'remember' that he had been told at work that OW's mother had died. He had searched for her contact details in order to send a message of condolence. He says he thought better of it and did not make conatct.

This week he has been very very down, almost tearful. He says that this is because he is depressed about money. Last time he was like this it was to do with OW.

My brain is churning - is this the lie that ends it all? Is he really trying to repair things? If so why does he keep secrets and lie? He said over and over again that he loves me. But all I can hear is all the things he said when he was being so cruel last summer.

This morning I said I was going to try and go away for the weekend (a friend has a place by the sea I can sometimes use). I said I would take the boys. He obviously does not want me to go - and I have not yet been able to get hold of this friend.

What a fucking mess - and I am soooo tired of it all. What should I do? My life feels like utter shit. Have been making a small reduction in ADs over past fortnight - really want to get off them but not good timing for anything.

gonna - yes he does deserve some credit for what he is doing but that doesnt have to come from you and it not up to you to give him your forgiveness before you are ready.

I just get the impression that he is very like my h and wants the praise for being a 'good boy' - and if you do not give it to him he plays the victim and maybe sulks for a bit, which in turn makes you feel as if you are not being fair. iyswim.

For a long time my h would do the 'oh poor me - i am doing all i can - and i still feel so bad and low .......' in the end i one day turned around and told him to grow up - 'yes he should feel bad but by expecting me to support him through his pain was not an option.

He seemed to want me to tell him it would be ok and tell him that i too wanted it to work.
Our counsellor said it was unacceptable for him to ever try and make me feel bad if i did not want to continue with the relationship at any point and to not get so 'moody' when i had my understandable doubts.

That helped a lot - he could see that once again his selfish behaviour was the problem. And it really does make a difference when someone else says it.

He should be supporting you in your pain and not in any way making you feel it is wrong to be still hurting over this. And although he does have pain because of what he has done it is not you that needs to try and sort it out.

I know what you mean about the dc losing respect for you. I have been as open as i can with them and it has really helped for them to see both of our pain.
My dd who was 10 at the time probably thinks about it the most. We try and joke about it too but i know it has been hard for her.
She has asked a lot of questions about her and wanted to see photos of her. She says she hates her (even though she knows it was her father that was to blame), and that one day she wants to ask her how she lives with herself knowing what pain she put us through. Actually i think if i was the ow i would be more worried about that than anything i could think of doing to her.

Anyway how are you feeling today?

Your post has hit several nails right on the head. Wanted to say thanks - will think on it. Just wish...oh I am not sure. Maybe (and no this is not a serious query!) that your dh could chat to my husband.

Next job - going back through everything you have posted to me and thinking. x

gonna

I am up early as we are off for a few days but i wanted to reply to your last post.

Do you know my h often says he thinks it would be a good idea to be able to talk to other men who have through similar.

We have a friend whos h had an affair - he dithered between the 2 women for several months - eventually after one too many lies she kicked him out and is now divorce. Although we dont know him that well my h will often say ' that is not what that man wanted - as if he knows' which he does of course.
He has talked openly to a couple of friends and although it is hard for me as well as him i think it has helped him more than me.

Maybe if we get chatting on email it may happen. who knows.

It is so very difficult for you (us) as to be albe to move forward you have to trust the one person you know you cant for a while - its a vicious circle.

I was having a chat and a think with my h yestereday and we both think that it is when the choice is taken away that the man 'wakes up'. My h had both me and ow hanging on for him for about 3 months. I finally let him go and 3 days later he was begging at my door. It is as if until they really believe it is lost they cannot choose.iyswim.
However unlike your h mine made that choice and cut contact with ow - so i feel better in that if she had said enough was enough and he then came to me i would not have been able to handle it. By the way he never moved in with ow - just into a flat of his own. Which is stayed in for a while alone while i made up my mind. And it was not a quick decision either. And in fact i think that was why it has worked because at that time i fully accepted that my marriage was over and so we had to start all over again.
I did not let him move in because i thought it would be damaging for the childern (although they did get to see him more) and i did not let him stay over for the same reason.

We started 'dating' again which was lovely and i think it was at least 3 months before i really felt we could move forward, although he had moved in then (we moved house at that time).

Anyway - have a good week and i will catch up with you later - you stay strong and dont be afraid to say what you want and certainly dont be afraid of what you are feeling. You are feeling sad because your body wants you to rest take your time. You will begin to feel again when your are ready so dont try and rush it.