Over or under reaction

[gonnabehappy]

I will really appreciate some input here - my brains are scrambled. Most of the story is on 'healing after the affair' so I will just describe this week.

Eldest son's best mate took an overdose last Sunday. For very complex reasdons she effectively has no parents and her grandparents who were supposed to be caring for her were out of the country. Son and I spent Sunday night, Monday and Tuesday at the hopsital (I was shocked to find that if there is no 'responsible' adult she would not be supplied with toothbrush and toothpaste after vomiting for hours, neither could she activate the TV when moved to an ordinary teen bed without a credit card - what on earth is happening in the NHS...but that may be for another thread). As you can imagine is has been a truly terrible few days, and son is exhausted emotionally and physically. I guess so am I.

Then just as things have settled, I get a telephone call from the school. It appears that middle son had saved up his pocket mney to buy a BB gun (something he knew he was NOT allowed to have under any circumstances). Of course he took it into school to show off to his friends, and accidentally fired a shot (I am pretty sure he did not realise it had any ammo in it, it did only have one pellet). Quite properly he is now excluded from the school for a day and may receive a talking to from the police when he returns next week.

Then, having got upset about the level of deceit I deceided (WHY????) to look at husband's phone. Yep - although he now is aware enough to wipe all texts emails etc if he does not want me to see them it was possible to see that he had been searching his address book for OW contact details. Of course I went upstairs and asked him what this was about. He said he could not remember.

I then went back downstairs and tried to get back into his facebook and personal email - those he used to stay in touch with OW before. I couldn't - no surprises there I knew he had changed passwrds. He came down and asked what I was doing. I told him and asked him to let me see his facebook. Guess what - he could not remember how to get into either facebook or hotmail! However he did 'remember' that he had been told at work that OW's mother had died. He had searched for her contact details in order to send a message of condolence. He says he thought better of it and did not make conatct.

This week he has been very very down, almost tearful. He says that this is because he is depressed about money. Last time he was like this it was to do with OW.

My brain is churning - is this the lie that ends it all? Is he really trying to repair things? If so why does he keep secrets and lie? He said over and over again that he loves me. But all I can hear is all the things he said when he was being so cruel last summer.

This morning I said I was going to try and go away for the weekend (a friend has a place by the sea I can sometimes use). I said I would take the boys. He obviously does not want me to go - and I have not yet been able to get hold of this friend.

What a fucking mess - and I am soooo tired of it all. What should I do? My life feels like utter shit. Have been making a small reduction in ADs over past fortnight - really want to get off them but not good timing for anything.

[HappyWoman]

gonna - please dont be afraid of counselling - it is not all linked to childhood things (even if a lot of people do try and say that).

How about some other therapy - even just spa treatment that lift the body and soul.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

[gonnabehappy]

Lots of thinking here. I love him, and am sure he loves me (not sure how much is 'in love' but hey). The boys are good - no way I can separate them from their dad. So I need to stop whinging and start counting blessings.

Was it on this thread or the last that someone told me that I was not stupid - it was his choice whether to lie or not? They were right. Need to stop checking start accepting and see how things go

Thank you everyone, you have been patient and kind.

[gonnabehappy]

Agreed but I am choosing to be able to love with an intact family. Husband is kind and lovely. He made a terrible mistake and more than deserves a chance to try and make things better.

I have made mistakes too - perhaps the most serious being that I allowed myself (emotionally) to become so dependent on one person. I need to address this but believe I can do this best whilst living with the man I love and our boys.

[gonnabehappy]

He is kind, and he is selfish.

I am also in bits and do not know which bit to follow.

But, I still feel as though it is worth a try. This evening he cooked and served up tea so I could have a bit of space. Yes I know that this is only what should happen - but he did it willingly and lovingly and has been hugging me on and off all day.

Last night he took me out for a supper that we really can not afford - we had a good time, some bits romantic, some just a laugh. There was also time for me to say how sad I felt about some things although we both fought to keep this short.

Oh I do know that I might be on a hiding to nothing - but there is enough there to make it worth a try.

You are right about trying to hold on to the past - rationally i now we need to create a 'new' relationships, emotionally I am crying out for what was there. But I guess what was there was not good enough so a 'new' relationship it has to be.

[poshsinglemum]

I don't know the circumstances but I think that I would be DEVASTATED and FUMING if my man was grieving the loss of another woman other than me.

[gonnabehappy]

OKneed to think through that one. Yes, ties remained when he was away; including sex on occasions.

Maybe him leaving has resulted in me being even more scared of being alone? Not sure about that. There were some dreadful times but on the whole we (the boys and I) managed.

Oh I don't know.

Dittany - I expect you are thinking that I am refusing to accept any of your ideas and am being useless, that is not so. I will keep thinking. x

[poshsinglemum]

I think you sound lovely but you need to believe that you are. It also sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate atm and need pampering.

[abedelia]

...Although there is a certain satisfaction in knowing that he may profess to be 'in love' with the OW, but not enough to actually keep his pants on for her. Which means she's not special enough to get better treatment than you did after all.

Believe me, it's f'd up logic but at the time it makes perfect sense

[ScaryFucker]

dittany posted what I wanted to post but wasn't brave enough to do

abedelia, I have such respect for your posts, but that latest post is the saddest I have seen for a while

in what world is it an advantage to have still been sleeping with the bastard who has cheated, lied and acted in the worst way possible?

"fucked-up" is absolutely right

I suppose they do that to you, but, jesus that is awful

[abedelia]

Of course it is awful and not in any way right - but it is a hideous time with a lot of emotional upheaval and all sorts run through your mind. I wantd gonnabe to know she wasn;t alone and shouldn't feel used by doing it. It's unfortunately a common reaction to do stuff like sleeping with them still to test out whether they are really serious about the OW... Probably one of those things you should keep to yourself but I am daft enough to blurt it out regardess. Oh well.

Funny thing is that in a lot of cases (and as H has admitted), once reality hits and thye are booted out, often there is a strong desire to make things 'normal' again by them (even if it is just for the odd 20 minutes) because they realise they have been extremely pathetic and have lost too much that they want back...

[abedelia]

Meant to add - often 'normal' just boils down to sex as it is the one thing you can do together that involves closeness but not talking about the horror of what's going on.

[HappyWoman]

I too think it is 'normal' to still have sex with the h even if you know he is having sex with ow. I know i did.

It is not nice - but honestly at that time my mind was in such a mess that having sex (which was satifiying) was a good release.
It made me feel some sort of power iyswim.

It is also a way of detaching too - being able to separate sex and love. It actually gave me a feeling of still being desirable too. The whole thing is weird though and difficult to think about after.

I suppose it is also a way of 'being the ow' for a while. Because of course having sex with someone who is then going back to his wife is pretty low - and i suppose in some way because he is your husband you feel you have more of a right iyswim.

Gonna - all that you have been through is perfectly normal - and it is ok to fear being alone - but i think that you need to work on that - after all you could be alone for all sorts of reasons - not just him leaving again. you need to know you will cope.
That is a powerful feeling - i do know i would be ok.

Did you ever get legal advice - because for me that was fantastic - in that i knew i would at least be ok finacially and that the children would be provided for.

I know i have said it before - please do not let your boys grow up in a family where they think you only stayed for them. My parents did this and it is awful.

I know you feel determinded to not be bitter - but you know if you cannot do it, it is ok to admit that and walk away rather than living like that. This is his fault not yours - however awfully you may believe you were to him before the affair (as you say your marriage was not perfect).

Gonna - always here for you.

Take care and do continue to think - you do not have to stick to the promise that you would stay together - enjoy it if you can and if not - take steps to make YOUR life better.

[gonnabehappy]

Have not been quite clear. When he moved out he lived at his mother's (which he hated but we did - do - not have enough money to run two homes of any description, and the priority was to keep this beautiful house - that we built a few years a go - for the boys).

He stayed over infrequently - often only because I wanted the comfort.

He only had two sex sessions with other woman. One when she booked and paid for a hotel for an afternoon, the second when he stayed in a crap bed and breakfast after a colleague's birthday party. The first was while we were together, and before I knew. The second was when we were apart and he, at least, had no intention of returning.

I have seen the emails saying how wonderful it was.

I have sought legal advice, and sorted out exactly where I would stand regarding benefits etc. I am in a strange position, a full time student but on a huge non taxed scholarship so nothing is straightforward.

Our house is probably in negative equity at present - definitely when you consider credit card debts. The only medium term solution would be for me and the boys to move out into rented and claim housing beefit etc as a single mum. We could then just about afford to keep this house until the market recovers.

I am writing this because I have not been quite such a ditherer as the impression I have given. It is just that you guys get the brunt of my insecurity and hopelessness.

Last night I got upset - one of theose flash back moments when I was consumed by hate for her, and wanting to make him feel as guilty as I felt wounded. His response is loving contrite and, I think, genuine.

This was a mid life crisis with knobs on - he is terrified of being old. I am not fit and I think seeing himself as potentially my carer is a big thing to him on an unconscious level. He believes he loves me wants to be with me, I just think there is more going on in his brain than he is aware of.

Does this paint a clearer picture of the mess?

[HappyWoman]

Thanks gonna.

And actually i think you do have a right to be angry at her, yes it is him you should be angry with.
You can be angry at who you want you dont have to have a reason.
And any woman who has an affair with a married man knows the score - she will be seen as the evil witch - That may not be fair or right but that is the way it is.

If it is helping you to be angry with her then do so - she is nothing to you so dont worry about it.
If he is truly sorry i think he will not think much of her either and it will not matter to him one bit. And after all if it is 'helping' him and then in turn helping you - do it.

I think gonna - it may have been a massive mid-life crisis but instead of using that as excuse - accept that he has made a huge error and it is up to him to now repay you and not for you to give him the excuse.

Stay in touch though and maybe we can help you through this - of course you are not confident at the moment but it will come in time.

[countingto10]

I think Gonna that it is really positive that he did support you when you were upset about the affair etc. I hope that when he did this that he acknowledged your feelings about the affair as well.

Interesting few days for me and my DH, he broke down today after my meltdown over Thursday night/Friday morning. He got really angry (out of all proportion) with an ex client who owed him money and was shocked by it. I pointed out that his pain over everything was coming out as anger and I thought he was in serious denial over the affair which was not helping me or the marriage. Anyway, he started opening up about it over Saturday and broke down when we were listening to a music channel on the TV (Danial Beddingfield "If you're not one" started playing). It just brought everything back, stuff he had tried to bury but obviously unsuccessfully. He has been talking quite opening about the affair this afternoon and I have been listening without condemnation etc. He has thanked me for that. I think my acceptance of the affair came over the last couple of days which allowed me to let go of my grief and anger over if that makes sense.

We are both trying to make sense of that time in our lives but as has been said many times, it is difficult to make sense out of nonsense.

I hope all our thoughts and experiences are helping you Gonna, I am finding them extremely helpful.

[gonnabehappy]

Counting That is really good. I bet being able to listen and not condemn him has done more good than anything.

Happy I think he is trying to do anything everything to make amends. His 'efforts' are still a but patchy - but less so than at the start of this thread!

He is trying so hard he is doing the A and E visit with middle son tonight to save me! Here I am glass of wine, X factor and lappie. The poor chap is stuck in A and E and could be hours. Mind you it was a row between him and middle son this time that prompted the punching chest of drawers resulting in a very swollen hand! Fun here it ain't.

Hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday eve before the week begins. x

[HappyWoman]

Just wrote a really long post and lost it.

Gonna - have your children had some help with this? It is hard for them to just go back to the family setup too.

My eldest ds (he was 13 when h left) has never had the same relationship with him - he lost all respect for his father and h has had to accept that.
I did a lot of talking to the children about what happened and how i could have him back - they too needed to know that he wasnt about to up and leave again.
Try and be open with them and get your h to talk to them too.

You say your h is doing everything/anything he can to make it better. But do you really believe that???? you have said he is unwilling to go to counselling. He may be saying what you want to hear but unless he is prepared to put himself out (ie put your needs ahead of his) i cannot see how he is doing all he can. Sorry if that sounds harsh gonna - i just think you are trying to believe something that you know is not true.

It is a bit like being able to open up on all levels - and it does take a long time to do that - for months my h went along to counselling and whilst it did help short term i think it is only fairly recently that he has really 'got it' and is able to make the chnages within himself.
Part of that was because he never really believed i would actually leave him over this.
As time has gone on he says he has a new respect for me as he can see i no longer need him to be happy and that 'scares' him a bit as he knows that i am not afraid to leave if lets me down again.

Anyway gonna - i hope you manage to sort some things out - it is not your failing that you are not 'believing' him it is his so do not think yourself bad for not being able to do this just yet.

[gonnabehappy]

Thanks Happy

Middle lad (12) took it very badly last year and had some counselling. Incidentally he has broken his hand - his right hand. He will be missing sport for a few weeks (despite playing in goal with broken hand yesterday!) so he may think twice before hitting immovable objects next time.

Youngest lad (10) is OKish. he is very steady and sanguine little chap.

The eldest (15) has, as you say, lost respect for husband. I think he has also lost a lot of respect for me too. He has been helping a close friend over past two weeks after a suicide attempt. I have have suggested to the school that they suggest counselling for him. The idea will come better from them I think.

Husband, yes you are right; 'could try harder' is the phrase I believe! but he is trying and deserves some credit for that. I suspect that if money was no object he might consider couselling. I am still trying to get up the courage to ask my father for a loan. Paying it back will be tricky though.

I hope that time will help. You have all made me think about how soon it really is for me to come to terms with everything. I just felt like I should have gotten on with things better by now. We shall see.