I had first child in 97. He came early (7wks) so it was all a bit scary. I started NCT lessons but had only done 2 when baby arrived so didnt really bond with any one. After 6 months that were quiet grim (at home for 1st time ever, knew no one except for my elderly neighbours, that sort of thing)I decided to get out there and meet people.
I joined church tods and met J.and B. We got on quiet well and inspite J having habbit of lecturing about everything (from how well her ds slept to the MMR jab) things rubbed along.I detected that J and B got on better than me and J and would often find that I was excluded from conversations because I hadnt been at a particular outing or coffee morning etc but I didnt really mind. I had enough contact not to feel isolated and I had also made friends with C another new mum to the tods group. After a time we were a 4.
Js lecturing and excluding manner grew over a period of time and I can think of many occasions where shed greet my arrival at Bs house with phrases like "oh! didnt expect to see YOU here" or tell me she was busy if I asked her out etc only to find she`d gone to the zoo etc with B.
I gradually became closer friends with C to the point that I asked her to be God mother to my second son and she asked me to be the G.M to her 3rd. I continued to see and be good friends with B who is the "salt of the earth" but over time, reduced contact with J as she always made me feel unwanted or uncomfortable.
My second child was born in 2001, also premature and after a vomit ridden 7 month pregnancy. J and B also had babies 5 weeks either side of mine. To cap my miserable pregnancy, 6 weeks after the baby came my Dad died at only age 58.
B and C sent me cards, offers of help etc but the only mention made of my absence from our group by J was in a telephone conversation when I invited her to my sons baptism. She said "in the nicest possible way, WE have got use to you not being around". I was very upset.
Last Sept Js son, Bs son and my son all started in reception class at the same school. At the school gate, it was all I could do to get J to acknowledge my exsistance some days. She would often not even say good morning or look in my direction and if I ever made a point of making her notice me she`d say "sorry didnt see you".
Our boys get on well and things continued with J and I only seeing each other at school or in the company of B or C at tods.
At Christmas J had asked what we 4 were going to do about christmas gifts for the children. (The year before we had stopped our usual practice of buying them all gifts as there were now 10 kids and B & C weren`t as well off as J and I). I told J that I would fit in with what ever the others wanted to do. J said that every one was not buying gifts this year and thats how we left it.
The following week at tods, I half heard a conversation between J and C about organising christmas gifts. Privately I asked J what had changed the arrangements and she said she had decided to do things on an individual basis with C,B and I. I asked (jokingly) did that mean buying their children gifts but missing out my two - she said yes. She also pointed at my little one and said why would she buy him a gift, she never sees him and he meant nothing to her. I left.
B was upset and tried to patch things up for everybody.J said she had been misunderstood but I knew different.
Since then I have gone out of my way to avoid J. Ironically, for a while she made great efforts to say hello of a morning and engage me in conversation but I didnt bite. B and her continued to do the sort of things they had before eg take each others kids home from school, take their youngest (same age as my youngest) to clubs ect so I made a real effort to get to know the other mums and their kids so as not to appear to be "billy no mates ".
This actually back fired a little as B has recently told C that I`m not around that much and that I seem to have "readjusted my friendship group" I have not a clue what that means.
I had hoped that B would reolise that I avoided her only when she was chatting to J and that when J is not there I happily chat to B .
The final twist in my sorry tail came recently when I was asked by C to go to soft play outing with her and her youngest 2 children (to celebrate one of their birthdays).
My oldest asked why J and Bs sons had been asked to the birthday party but he had not. I said their wasnt a party, just a soft play visit for the younger ones. My son was so sure it was a party I checked with C only to find that J and B (plus all their children) were going for tea at C house after school. C said it was not a party,just tea with a Birthday cake.
I told her I was hurt a/ that my oldest was not asked to either the soft play outing during the day or the tea party in the evening and b/that obviously she had felt J and I would not mix at a social function for a 3 y.o so had bumped me.
C replied that J and B go together as a set.
We havent spoken since. I dont feel she was the person I thought she was.
I continue to see B every week for lunch and our youngest play.
What do you think - too sensitive? stupidly chucking away friends for un important reasons? or did I basically do right.