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Original poster

cliquey school gate mothers!!!

44 replies

mummee09v · 02/10/2009 11:14

my DS aged 3 started p/t school at the beginning of september and i have noticed since then that all the mums of the other kids in his class seem to talk to eachother but not to me!

i do talk to one or 2 of them but only because i know them from before, from a mum and toddler group i used to take my son to. but all the other mums completely blank me (yet talk to my friends from the mums group) and i don't understand why. me and my kids are always dressed nicely, i look ok, i am approachable, i'm just like any of them. and i know that my son is friends with all the children in the class so theres no problem there.

i have tried to smile and say hello to them and make conversation etc, but don't get much of a response. and to be honest a lot of them seem to look at me a bit bitchily.

i shouldn't care but i do! i thought by this time i would have at least got to know a few of them even just to speak to. i feel a right billy no mates!

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 02/10/2009 11:36

Would you honestly want them to suddenly start speaking to you after ignoring you and looking at you that way? Can't say I'd be too fussed about befriending people like that, who I have tried to make an effort with.

I've never understood the school run politics. Surely it's best to just drop your DS off, pick him up, and then spend your time with real friends and not making small talk with a playground full of snobs.

womblemeister · 02/10/2009 11:49

agree with SWBL. Ignore them back and concentrate on the people who know how to be polite and civilised. People can be so rude and ignorant.

cestlavielife · 02/10/2009 11:53

it is early days.

maybe the ones you know already know the others.

invite your ds friends for playdates so you can get to know the parents. invite one mum you do know and one you dont .

have a non-birthday get together. plan and host a halloween party in october if no birthday excuse.

as kids have birthday parties and there are more social occasions you will get to know more parents and know which you want to make effort with. it can take time.

freename · 02/10/2009 12:00

This is early days, you are discovering one dynamic of one group. Don't be put off by it. School politics isn't really politics or (diplomacy for that matter)it is a bunch of women who still think they are the ones at school not their children. Give it time. It will shift and you will be able to make friends. The only advice I can give is remain consistent. Smile, say hello etc. Don't be drawn into the blanking and funny looks. Is there a PTA you can join? Get involved in other ways. Our school encourages parents helping out (if you have time to give) on field trips, reading etc. You can always make friends with mums from other classes and year groups. There is no rule that says you have to find a friend in your class (but I appreciate it helps). You'll be fine.

Geocentric · 02/10/2009 12:04

I found out that sometimes the only way to do it is to take a deep breath and plunge right in, arrive with a topic of conversation at the ready and jump in. Questions about Dcs are good ice-breakers ("I'm finding DC is so tired after school/so excited about art/whatever... and what about yours?")

Sometimes the ones that look standoffish are actually rather nice, you may be surprised!

Original poster
mummee09v · 02/10/2009 12:07

thanks girls.

i have plenty of friends outside of the school gates, so i know i am a likeable person and because i have friends it isn't that i "need" to be friends with the ones at school.

my main gripe is i don't understand WHY they don't seem to like me. i don't think its snobbery as such because it isn't a snobby area, the school is on an estate where most of them live (i think) and i live just outside the estate.

yes i will carry on being friendly, definitely, because if i don't then that would give them a valid reason to not like me!!

i had heard about this "school gate politics" business from my friends with older kids - but thought it was exaggerated!!!

OP posts:
freename · 02/10/2009 12:47

no exaggeration! welcome to the club

Katisha · 02/10/2009 12:56

I don't give a monkeys who talks to me at school gate and who doesn't. Having been there off and on (flexible working) for 6 years now I would just say that sooner or later you will get to know one or two better as a result of your DCs being friends or being in the same football team.

motherlovebone · 02/10/2009 14:22

Katishas right.

The cliques are horrid though. there has always been this cliquey bunch at DDs school, lately they have cut off one of the clique, who is now painfully alone. i really feel sorry for her actually.

I have made a couple of nice friends, organically, in a similar way as Katisha suggests, which is great, but...

dont be drawn into that!

stepaway · 02/10/2009 14:35

try not to take it personally.
There could be several reasons why they don't seem to be friendly.

  1. laziness! they all know each other already and it's just easier/less hassle to speak to people you already know.

  2. some of them who appear standoffish are probably shy and not good at making conversation with strangers. (guilty)

  3. some of them have other things on their minds, are distracted... In my case I always have one eye on seeing what DS1 is up to in the playground. If I take my eye off him to try and be friendly with the other mums, he always seems to get up to some mischief (that's another thread altogether!). I know it makes me look unfriendly.

Be on the look out for someone who's not already deep in conversation, take a deep breath, smile and start a conversation with them!

Original poster
mummee09v · 02/10/2009 16:57

thanks for all the messages, i am glad i am not the only one.
well earlier on today (since writing my original post) today one of the mums i thought was my friend blanked me!!!

i am trying not to let it bother me but i can't help feeling shit about it.

found this article earlier >>

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/6179815/Battle-of-the-school-gate-mums.html

quite interesting!!!

OP posts:
Katisha · 02/10/2009 17:31

COuld you be being over-sensitive? Did she blank you - had you actually said something to her?

groundhogs · 02/10/2009 17:53

It'll settle down eventually...

I had it for a few weeks when DS first went to KG a few days a week, everyone saw me, but no-one spoke....

I always walked there and back to get him cos it's so close to my mums house, and parking is tricky to say the least.

One day I'd been out, held up at supermarket, running late. Didn't have time to drop car back at home and walk back to the school, so turned up in my A Class....

I swear to God, i got smiles & waves the next day... I laughed my socks off at them!

It's shallow, it's meaningless and means absolutely nothing about you or anything to do with you.

Don't, please don't let them in any way get to you.

saggyjuju · 02/10/2009 17:58

i have massive trust issues with new friendships,probably down to the fact a nursery mum friend started an affair with my ex husband, it turned out all for the better i got rid of a dirty dog of a husband and she was no longer the innocent victim she had portrayed to all us mums that had help her ie she wasnt fussy whichever husband took her bait as she had stalked all of them it turned out afterwards. i still have to buy her a thankyou pint of fosters,cos she is a pint drinker (miaow)because other than the odd glitch my life is sooo much happier now.[WINK]

Sagacious · 02/10/2009 18:02

I have no idea what an A class is

The only class A I know does the rounds at certain dinner parties

I turn up to school I pick up my children
I talk to a few people
I don't talk to anyone (if I'm not in the mood)

I don't blank people (if I can help it) sometimes RL just gets in the way of inane babble about school book levels.

groundhogs · 02/10/2009 18:12

LOL! Funny... the only A class I know of IS a car!!

I say hi, chat while shoeing-deshoeing etc, and that's about it. But then if you have lots of RL friends, it probably doesn't matter. But I'd rather no friends than shallow ones. I'll wait, and eventually I'll meet people.

saggyjuju that's awful! but at least you are on the other side of it all now.

Tidey · 02/10/2009 18:13

Screw the lot of them, the toffee-nosed bints. Use this opportunity to eavesdrop on their conversations and reassure yourself that they all they talk about is banal pointless shit anyway.

DonotKnow · 02/10/2009 18:28

Gosh, what a good post!

I get that too and I found that there is a HUGE divide between mothers who work and those who don't (is it your case?). Women who don't work look down at me at my school (I work and basically hold a demanding "man's job"). I have always felt that a lot of the non-working women at my school (especially those who used to work) are not feeling that comfortable (bored?) with the fact that they no longer work, so of course I -and any other working mother- creates envy ?
I have always felt that the fact that I work and look after both our kids, somehow "shows" them that it is possible to do both, as a result they are resentful towards me.
I have tried to ignore it, but somehow it still gets to me. Now I have simply identified at my school the working mothers and those who are happy and comfortable with the fact that they don't work, and am ignoring the rest!

Good luck to you.

Crusher · 02/10/2009 20:05

These women who have formed a clique and ignore you sound incredibly similar to a group at my daughter's school. They always arrive about 20 minutes early every morning and every afternoon just to meet up and have a good gossip. They obviously haven't got much of a life if this is the highlight of their day.

It will get better once you get to know more of the parents.

Sagacious · 02/10/2009 20:12

20 minutes?

Bloody hell

They are loons

I have a rough idea who works and who doesn't (purely based on ) but I really can't understand the judging
people dashing off here and there and the odd childminder
I thought that was just on MN tbh.

saggyjuju · 02/10/2009 20:17

tidey how funny thats exactly what i do most of the time and you are so right and whats even funnier is a male friend to both myself and my husband,thought i had to clarify cos of my earlier post,stands at my school doing the same then on the way back to our cars he bursts with excitement at whatever conversation hes just listened in on and relishes telling me their stories,and we thought women were the gossips,i bet he sky pluses jeremy kyle i'll ask him mon at school

DandyLioness · 02/10/2009 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

flibertygibet · 02/10/2009 22:20

Thank you Dandylioness for articulating exactly what I was thinking! I've met some great friends at the school gates..

some of the comments on here remind me of teenage girls bitching about each other. Ffs, get a life and, the rest of us have one..why worry so much about who 'might' be blanking you and why do you care?

Most parents at the school gates are in that morning daze of packed lunches, getting to work on time, getting other children to school, taking the car in for a service etc etc...don't take it so seriously!

Original poster
mummee09v · 03/10/2009 10:52

they are definitely blanking me

they all talk to eachother but not me, and as i said, when i have tried to join in they look at me funny, give me a one word answer which might as well be "fuck off!" then pretty much turn away and talk to someone else.

so no, i am NOT imagining it. and yesterday the person who blanked me definitely did it deliberately, i smiled and said hello and she literally looked straight through me.

to be honest i am beginning to wonder if its jealousy in some parts, as, oh god, i know this will sound terrible, but i am reasonably attractive and slim for having had 2 kids lol! i spend lots of money on clothes and looking good, and i always look nice when i drop him off as 9 times out of 10 i tend to go meet up with friends or go into town while DS is at school.

maybe i am over thinking it but it IS hurtful - feels like being back at school, didn't fit in there much either

.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 03/10/2009 11:43

talk to the ones you already know, and also to other mums in your childrens class.
the others dont sound like friendship material if they behave like that.
as another poster said, the dynamics change, in a year things will be looking different.

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