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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just found out my fiance is a liar need advice

112 replies

pinky33 · 29/09/2009 16:43

Hi All

I am new to this so please bear with me. I have been with my DD for 8 years now we had a good relationship or so I thought. My DD left his job 18 months ago he assured me that he had a new job to go to. So for the past 18 months he's been getting up early and going to work nothing unusual in that you say expect I just found out 2 days ago that he has no job and has been pretending to go to work for the past 18 months.

He's been giving me house keeping money which he says was from his savings I don't know whether to believe him I dread to think if he has accumulated debt due to his lying.

I found out from his mother. You see we are getting married in 2 weeks. I don't know what to do now cancel the wedding i can't beleive he lied to me for so long. DD has promised that he will find a job after we're married and says that he is sorry he lied.

I have a DS who is 10 from a previous relationship he loves my DD and they have a very close relationship. My DS doesn't see his real father that often so DD has really played a huge part in raising him over the past 8 years.

I know I'm going on a bit but I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly accepted.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 01/10/2009 16:59

Well done; things will get better once the dust settles. You're going to feel sad, there will be grief, and other moments like the arrival of the tux. This will take a bit of getting over. Let your friends take care of you a bit, and ask them for support. They will be very happy to help.

justaboutautumn · 01/10/2009 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Conundrumish · 01/10/2009 20:30

I'm so sorry Pinky. It's not just the lying is it though, it is the fact that he can't/has chosen not to communicate with you. You can't base a marriage on that :-(. Well done for being strong (tho' you prob don't feel you have been).

groundhogs · 01/10/2009 22:58

I heart pinky33! You have to be the strongest person ever! It may hurt like hell right now, but you are doing the right thing, sounds like you have a good friend there... hope she can give you all the support you need.

Hope you do get to have the party, it'd be a shame to waste all your friends work, and you are going to need all your mates in the time to come, so butter em up beforehand!! LOL!

Standing back in awe of you...

[huge big sister hug emoticon]

MollieO · 01/10/2009 23:21

Marriage is all about trust. You may think that your hardest day is telling friends and family the wedding is off. I reckon that if you did marry him your hardest day would be the day after your wedding when you discover what else he has been up to. By then it will be too late and he will suggesting that you remove ds from his school in order to 'help out' your now husband.

Sounds to me like you had a very lucky escape, although it will probably take time to feel that way.

vickiadele · 01/10/2009 23:29

My dh did this a few years ago when we were engaged, i was angry but it turned out he was scared of me dumping him and ashamed, it admittedly didnt go on as long as this, a couple of weeks but thats cos his mum found him wandering the streets, it is quite funny now TBH, speak to him, find out why he lied, it may be the same sort of reasons, good luck

Pikelit · 02/10/2009 02:25

What a strong,courageous woman you are, pinky. You have done the right thing for you and, most importantly, your ds.

drainedbrain · 07/10/2009 11:20

Well done.

An almost identicial situation happened for my parents forty years ago. Just after getting married my mother found out that my father was faking going to work and had been since they met. My father is a very charming and plausible person.

Well they are still married but their relationship lacks trust. My father does what he wants (affairs, spending money, debt, gambling, child with another woman) and my mother jut turns a blind eye. But she doesn't seem too happy.

Think you have had a lucky escape, though it may take time to feel it.

GrendelsMum · 07/10/2009 18:15

Congratulations on having it out with him! You've been really strong and tough to do that.

A not dissimilar thing happend to a friend of mine - she suddenly discovered her DH was tens of thousands of pounds in debt, because he was too ashamed to admit to not being as well off as his family and his fiancee / wife thought he was. She only found this out when she opened a credit card bill by mistake - and then opened everything else she could find and found out the worst. The stupid thing was he'd spent a lot of the money on her. It really tested their relationship, and at times he behaved in a way that was very upsetting to her (and no doubt vice versa), but they worked it out, came to a fair solution on the money, and are still happily married. So although it will never be easy, it is possible to build a relationship after lies.

CornishKK · 07/10/2009 18:33

Pinky - keep strong, you have absolutely made the right decision. If he can lie to you about this and for such a long period of time then he can not be trusted.

I was in a relationship with a man who lied to me about many things, we were supposed to be buying a house together and I discovered he'd actually bought a house for his parents without telling me so would not be able to get a mortgage - I forgave him. Fast forward 8 years and 28 days before our wedding I discovered he had been having an affair with a friend of mine, the lies he told were impressive. Naturally the wedding was cancelled. I let my relationship with this nutter drag on for years because I did not have the strength to end it the way you have - well done you.

It takes a certain personality type to maintain lies like that over a period of time - not someone you want to be married to or want in your DS life.

Let your friends and family help you through this, my Mum had to cancel all my wedding arrangements as I could not make the calls.

I'm so glad that I did not marry this man, I am now with DH who is the most honest person I have ever met, I have a wonderful life with a man that I trust and who is the right role model for our children.

QwertyQueen · 09/10/2009 20:03

Pinky, hope you are OK?
Did the statements verify what he was saying?
Hope you are working through this all.....

WingedVictory · 12/10/2009 13:25

Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Well done!
I hope now that you can see that there is no "shame" in telling people what has happened, and what you have decided (for the time being, at least). On the contrary, you are receiving praise and love, not "shame on you!" (apart from from the evil MIL, and it can't be a bad thing to annoy her!)

Your DS, who "loved" your fiance, would probably have found out what he was like, and would have (a) probably thought less of you for pretending all was ok out of fear and (b) been crushed that YOU deceived him.

Well done, and good luck.

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