just found out my fiance is a liar need advice

[pinky33]

Hi All

I am new to this so please bear with me. I have been with my DD for 8 years now we had a good relationship or so I thought. My DD left his job 18 months ago he assured me that he had a new job to go to. So for the past 18 months he's been getting up early and going to work nothing unusual in that you say expect I just found out 2 days ago that he has no job and has been pretending to go to work for the past 18 months.

He's been giving me house keeping money which he says was from his savings I don't know whether to believe him I dread to think if he has accumulated debt due to his lying.

I found out from his mother. You see we are getting married in 2 weeks. I don't know what to do now cancel the wedding i can't beleive he lied to me for so long. DD has promised that he will find a job after we're married and says that he is sorry he lied.

I have a DS who is 10 from a previous relationship he loves my DD and they have a very close relationship. My DS doesn't see his real father that often so DD has really played a huge part in raising him over the past 8 years.

I know I'm going on a bit but I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly accepted.

Which is worse? having to endure a bit of embarrassment at calling off the wedding or ending up saddled with HIS debt and supporting his lazy arse from now until eternity?

tell him to tell people its off.

Knickers to what other people think.

This man has lied to you for 18 months.

I would cancel the wedding and finish things tbh.

If you marry him in two weeks he will gain the right to stay in your house as the marital home. What will that do to DS when the bailiffs start coming?

Just to add weight to the overwhelming consensus. Postpone the wedding. It was a fundamental betrayal of trust over a lengthy period of time. Not a spotaneous moment of madness. You cannot possibly marry this person as things stand without causing even greater distress and heartchae further down the line for both you and your DS. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You have done NOTHING wrong. You loved and trusted him. HE is shamed.

oooh I like that mrsboogie let HIM tell people it's off, he can explain why.

If you'd trust him to give the real reason. Oh, hang on...

it wouldn't matter what reason he gave - so long as the wedding is off and the OP isn't going to end up owing thousands on his behalf and unable to get him out of the marital home..

i agree with the others TBH DONT MARRY HIM!!! how can he think that it is reasonabe to just close the subject with 'i dont want to talk about it'!!

he has continually lied to you for a prolonged period of time and he probably thinks he can get away with it all!! dump him and bin bag the idiot before he gets a chance to sponge off you legally forever-more!!

xx ei xx

I knew a girl who did quite similar about 6 years ago. She was falling apart financially and mentally and told everyone she'd got a new job. Every morning she'd get on the metro, ride to the end of the line and sit in a cafe/walk in the park. She pulled it off for about a month before anyone twigged and was so devastated by it all she refused to admit it's what she'd been doing.

She did "come good" eventually and 2 months ago finally married the man she was seeing at her lowest point, but it did take her a good few years to get back on her feet.

I just wanted to let you know that he isn't the first to do something odd to try and save face.

spoke to the mother in law for 2 hours she says i'm over reacting she can't face that he lied to me. She said I should be grateful he's willing to accept my child from a previuos relationship (what a witch)

she also told me to call off the wedding as her son deserves more respect than to be called a liar by the likes of me.

Am truly so depressed!!!

Is that the kind of MIL you want or the kind of Grandmother you want for your child?????

Walk away and don't look back. Whatever he does you now know that he is always going to be supported by his Mother, who will make excuses for his behaviour, no matter how bad it is or how much it hurts you. Not healthy and the fact that she is turning it on you should ring loud alarm bells.

How could you ever trust him again, about anything? You deserve so much better!

send out cancellations tomorrow.

taken on your child indeed! in what way exactly? not financially that;s for sure.

Going ahead with the wedding to save face and not lose your deposits is just dangerous and MORE costly......you will lose that and everything you have worked hard for and his debts become yours, if you have equity in YOUR home guess where thats going to pay if it falls apart after the legal certificate is signed!
If you marry this man he will come out financially better with his debts payed out thanks to your home after the "I do"

Be wise,very wise as i doubt this is the end of the story!

Hi pinky... I think there is very good advice from the other posters with which I totally agree, so I won't repeat it all myself.

Instead, I would like to concentrate on you and your feelings... First of all to tell you I am so sorry for all you are going through. Your partner has taken away from you all the wishes and hopes and excitement that you should be feeling close to your wedding date. I hope you are strong to go through the next weeks, and just want to reiterate that you are not to blame for any of this. You put all your trust in the man you wanted to marry, and he broke that trust. Whatever happens now, you are going to come out of it stronger, and no matter how stressful it looks right now, it will be over soon and you will have time to sit down and reflect.

Don't let anyone rush you into taking any kind of decisions. It is you who sets the pace now, you who have the power to choose your next step.

My whole support, and that of everyone in this forum, is obviously with you. Please come back as many times as you need to let off some steam or just for a chat.

Hugs,

Aurynne

I think I am in the minority (of one!) but I don't think this is unsalvagable.

Firstly ignore anything the mil says about DP taking on your son etc. None of her business and whoever you marry you will have mil so put that to one side.

For men often their whole self worth is tied up in their job and their ability to support their family and so maybe he was genuinley devestated at losing this. Perhaps he lied simply to protect you from the worry/burden of this. This does not excuse his lying but it isn't necessarily a bad explanation, just very misguided.

Look at the facts:

Yes DP lied to you but it seems like this has come from a good place - rather than a vindictive/selfish place.

He has told you that he has been paying you housekeeping out of savings so at the moment no reason to suppose he has got himself into debt. This is likely true - it is hard to borrow money with no job.

Obviously you need to have a looooooooong chat but I wouldn't hang him out to dry just yet. It seems from your OP that e is otherwise a good partner and father to your boy. That counts for a lot.

As I say it is not right that he lied but at the moment there is no reason to jump to any far fetched conclusions about what he might have been up to instead.

Good Luck

oh dear god.

So you'd have a liar - and an arrogant one at that - for a husband and the mother-in-law from hell?

Please think, just think. There is no law (any more ) that says you have to go through with this. So you cancel the wedding? Big deal.

Are you going to trap yourself in a life that is going to be full of hassle, so other people don't think anything? [boggle] that would be so so so so foolish.

Can you imagine - your future mil has shown you her true colours. Expect lots of interference and your son not mattering to her. If you had a child with him - she would probably be all over that child and ignore your son - how would that feel? No matter what your partner did or said - you'd be in the wrong in her eyes.

Just read some of the mil stories on here and understand the life you are walking into!

And then there's him.

Who lies.
Who thinks that you have no right to the truth.
Who isn't sorry.

I realise he is good to your son, but please consider how your life will be once he gets that ring on your finger.

It is so much easier to put things on hold right now, than to go through with it because you don't want other people to think things and be left with debts, with a husband who won't tell you the truth and with a mil who thinks her son can do not wrong and is too good for you and you should be grateful.

tink, do you think she should go through with the wedding ?

the pair of them sound like a nightmare!! what other lies has she colluded in?

regardless of why he lied, he lied for 18 months

that is a lot of energy and time that has gone into being deceitful , regardless of motivation

i think that cancels out any good father/good partner stuff he has done, because he has essentially made them all live a lie for so long

maybe he has been going off to another family for the last 18 months?

what has he been doing??

for me the trust would be gone totally

i could never trust him again, how could you believe him when he said where he was going?

Please lsiten to everyone - walk away. This has got disaster written all over it.

You sound as though you have the means to be a stong, independant woman. Don't let him take that away from you and your DS.

I have heard of some men doing this once they are married. Unable to tell their DW and DCS they lost teir job, pretending to go out to work and all the while debt piling up. I know a man who repossesses houses and he says he sometimes goes in and the family are sat round the table at breakfast totally unaware of what is about to happen and only the man knows.

That is not the case here. This sounds wrong and getting married sounds absolutley the wrong thing to do.

Go ahead with the 'wedding' and ask him nothing more about what he has been up to.

On your Big Day, turn up at the venue on a biycle wearing track suit bottoms and trainers.

There will be nobody there, no celebrant, tumbleweed rolling down the street and he will be standing there in his suit looking confused.

Tell him you lied about going ahead with it and refuse to discuss why any further. Then ride away as fast as your legs will peddle. And don't look back.

Hey Pinky, how are you doing today? This must have been such a horrendous shock for you.

Please don't listen to his mother - you got it right, she's a witch. You really, really do not want that woman as your MIL. But more so, you really, really, really don't want that man as your husband and as your DS's step father.

It is probably a blessing that you found out about his lies and deceit before getting married to the man. This way, you can be in control of your future with you eyes wide open. I would suggest taking control of cancelling the wedding yourself - you obviously cannot trust a thing this man does. You send out the cancellations. You cancel the venue, caterers, etc.

Kick him out of your house - at least he can move back in with his mother (they seem well suited). That done, don't look backwards. Breathe a huge sigh of relief at your lucky escape.

Good luck, I really feel for you. But marrying this man would be a huge mistake.

What a horrible horrible shock for you.

The way I see it though, at the moment - you still have choices. If you postpone the wedding (at the very least) then you still have the option to discuss this and try to get to the borrom of what has happened.

If you go ahead in two weeks however, then you will be financially and legally trapped.

Is it possible that this is a deliberate attempt on his part to try and benefit from some of you wealth/assets? (you sound pretty finacially secure to me)

He could have racked up literally thousands of pounds worth of debts - how would you know?

For the sake of your son, your house and your sons education/future - I would immediately walk away.