just found out my fiance is a liar need advice

[pinky33]

Hi All

I am new to this so please bear with me. I have been with my DD for 8 years now we had a good relationship or so I thought. My DD left his job 18 months ago he assured me that he had a new job to go to. So for the past 18 months he's been getting up early and going to work nothing unusual in that you say expect I just found out 2 days ago that he has no job and has been pretending to go to work for the past 18 months.

He's been giving me house keeping money which he says was from his savings I don't know whether to believe him I dread to think if he has accumulated debt due to his lying.

I found out from his mother. You see we are getting married in 2 weeks. I don't know what to do now cancel the wedding i can't beleive he lied to me for so long. DD has promised that he will find a job after we're married and says that he is sorry he lied.

I have a DS who is 10 from a previous relationship he loves my DD and they have a very close relationship. My DS doesn't see his real father that often so DD has really played a huge part in raising him over the past 8 years.

I know I'm going on a bit but I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly accepted.

AnyFucker - no I don't think she should go through with the wedding at the moment. Not least because your wedding should be an amazing, happy day where you celebrate the begining of the rest of your lives together. That will be lost if they marry now.

However, I do think there is something to be gained by taking a step back and getting some perspective rather than kicking him out without further discussion.

Of course this is not a great situation but as so often is the MN way people seem to have got carried away with ideas that he has accumualted vast debts which she will be saddled with; that he has lied about this and is therefore lying about everything and in more than one post it has been implied that he has additionally been up to no good.

The view of the OP's DP seems to be coloured with ideas that he is a debt ridden scumbag with a whole second life and until that is established I don't think she should jump to conclusions.

I never do this but please do not marry this man.

He has lied for 18 mths, his mother is sticking up for him this should tell you a lot about who he is.

If he really thinks he can do something like that and not even discuss it with you then what does he think he should disucss with you? Obviously not what he's doing all day, where his money comes from.

If he had reacted differently then maybe there could be a chance, but how can he repair this damage in a couple of weeks? HIs whole life for the past 18mths has been a lie.

You do have a point tinkerbelle however the OP has already been seriously misled by this man and his mother for the past 18 months.

I would imagine she is really quite vulnerable atm and maybe she doubts whether she has the strength to walk away from him (he sounds very clever and manipulative)

I think we should be painting worse case scenario atm, as she needs pulling up short!

You do not have to break up with him, but you mustn't marry him now. Please. You need to get to the bottom of things and he needs to accept responsibility.

I have a very good friend who's BF at the time lied to her for over year about who he was (I cna't give more details). When she found out, he managed to manipulate her into feeling like she was being ridiculous for being upset about it and now, a few years down the line, he has absolute control over her and their relationship to the point that me and DH remain friends with her (he's done his best to alienate her from her friends) mostly because we truly believe that at some point she is going to need a friend and we don't want her to not have that option.

He needs to take responsibility and come completely clean. He needs to tell you why he wasn't looking for a job and exactly what he's plannign to do next. He needs to show you a full disclosure of his finances so you understand what you're getting into. And then he needs to go and see someone for counsellig to figure out why he thought it was okay to lie for 18 months.

There is a big difference between a man who can't admit to his wife/partner that he is lost his job so goes out every day desperately searching for one in secret to a man who just chooses not to work and happily does that for 18 months. Never mind anything else, what was he doing between 9 and 5 every day?!

See Betty that is where we differ - I see absolutely no point in tormenting yourself over "worst case scenarios" unless there is at least some evidence of them existing.

If the OP had found some evidence that he had a vast loan/overdraft/credit cards or there was some evidence of another woman/family then my advice would be different but to imagine he has been leading some sort of double life, funded by accumulated debt, all the whilst hoping to get his hands on her cash once married to me is farfetched.

I'd start with an ultimatum - let me see the statements for the account out of which you have been withdrawing the housekeeping money. If he shows her a savings account with the applicable withdrawals then surely their relationship is worth, at least, discussing? If he refuses to discuss the matter or cannot produce the evidence or even then admits that he has in fact got into debt to sustain the charade THEN she should run. Fast.

Tinker, earlier in the thread, I suggested that Pinky should ask her OH for bankk statements so that she could be reassured that he had actually been using his savings rather than amassing debts.

However, when I thought about it all this morning, I really do think that the best thing to do in this awful situation is to run for the hills. This is an extremely unhealthy relationship: Pinky's OH has continually lied to her for 18 months. Not just a little lie, like he feels unwell so can't face seeing her friends tonight. Or a fairly bad lie, like he's 5 years older than he actually says he is. But a lie that has lasted day in, day out for a year and a half. It is a lie that hits the very foundations of their relationship.

It is a lie that he had to tell her every day; every morning when he got up to 'go to work'. When he came home and told her how his day was. When they went on holiday or away for a long weekend and he told her he'd booked the time off work. When he told her how he was paying for a particular bill.

I don't usually say 'kick him out', but I really don't see how Pinky has much choice here. She has her DS to think about and support. His welfare and her own, are the only two things Pinky needs to take into consideration here.

It's good that you found out about this before his debts became yours. Do not marry him.

My sister married someone she wasn't sure about in her heart of hearts because she was too scared and embarrassed to cancel at the last minute. 7 years down the line she is finally divorced after 7 years of misery. Her DS is a troubled little boy and she is in debt because she had to pay her ex off as she earned more.
Marriage is a serious serious thing - if your DP can't talk about things and can lie like this then i'm sure things will get even worse in the future. I know how difficult it is to think clearly when you love someone and when others are telling you that you're overreacting so i suggest you get some space from DP to think (ask him to stay with his mum/a mate for a while) then surround yourself with people who are on your side to keep telling you that you are doing the right thing.

If he gets away with this he will think he can get away with more.

There's something very very wrong about this man. Not only did he lie to you for 18 months but he had no intention of telling you the truth - it was't like he cracked and confessed. So this suggests he is/was up to something strange. His mother sounds like a bit of a nutjob, as well.
It could be that your DP is involved in criminal activity of some kind and thinks he is too smart to be caught. This is another reason not to marry him, do you really fancy the police kicking the door down and charging you with being an accessory to whatever he's been doing?

You must be in shock, what a terrible thing for him to have done. Agree with everyone - stop the wedding.

You might want to run some kind of credit check on your address in case he has run up massive debts. How has he been covering for his lack of money? Does he contribute anything to the upkeep of the house?

He doesn't want to discuss it further? Good, that'll make throwing him out nice and quiet.

Did he hand in his notice to a job he could have continued in, or was he made redundant?

I think pretending you haven't been made redundant (with loss of face, shame, etc possible) is different to choosing to give in your notice as you don't want to continue working.

Either way though, if it was me there's no way I'd be walking down that aisle with him - as other posters have said, not because of what he did necessarily but because he is refusing to discuss it.

Good luck.

You should consider yourself lucky that you've had this "wake-up call" before the wedding and not after it. I don't know if things are salvagable or not, but you certainly should not even think about marrying him with this current state of affairs.

If you are embarrassed about telling your family and friends about it, and want longer to decide how much to tell them, then you could always be vague and just say you're "Going through a bad patch" and are going to delay the wedding until you "See if you can sort things out". Anyone who cares about you should accept that and give you space.

There's a number of problems here - not just the fact that he lied, but also the fact that he now won't talk about it and acts like of course you'll just marry him anyway and be happy to never mention it again. Is he very thick in other ways, or is this an unusual reaction for him? How on earth does he think you can both stand up and promise to love and support each other if he won't be honest with you about something so important? He ought to be on his knees trying to explain how he ended up in such a mess!

So, cancel the current wedding plans. Explain to him that you cannot trust him. See whether he values your relationship enough to put the effort in to mend the damage he has caused.

As others have said, if you marry him you are taking responsibility for his finances - until he can prove to you that he's not a "bad risk", you would be daft to do that, however much you care about him, and however much your DS cares about him.

Spent most of last night crying my eyes out wondering what the hell I should do now!!! Got a mother in law from hell who doesn't want to hear a bad word said against her son, a partner who thinks its no big deal!!!

i dragged myself into work this morning didn't even want to get out of bed to tell you the truth feel like just crawling into a pit and staying there. Trying so very hard not to burst into tears while sitting at my desk the last thing need is to be the centre of office gossip!!!

Getting texts and emails from family and friends wishing me luck and saying they can't wait for the big day!!

How do I tell 150 people? This is the worst day of my life!!!

I don't have any evidence or proof of where he's been getting the money from all his mail goes to his mum's address. He could be in debt im none the wiser.

I asked him to show me proof of where he was getting the money which he had been giving me he said he will show me statements but to be honest I feel he's only saying that because he is scared i'm about to cancel the wedding!!!

you tell him to tell his family and friends.

you tell your family and friends that he was lying to you and you've had a lucky escape. you need a bit of tlc and please can they give you some support.

you phone the church, flowers, caterers, dress, music and say it's off. or ask your mum or sister to. i'm SURE they will be happy to help.

so sorry for you. but you've had a very lucky escape.

OK.

Deep breaths.

You must not go ahead with the wedding. Tell him now, and tell him it is his responsibility to inform the guests.

Can you take a couple of days of work, and go a visit a friend with your ds, just get away to gather your thoughts.

Tell your dp to be out of the house by the time you get back.

You sound like a lovely person and a great mum.

You do not have a place in your life for someones who behaves like this.

Chin up, you will get through this.

Pinky, so sorry. You are obviously feeling terrible, which is hardly surprising.

Have you told anyone in RL yet? A trusted friend or member of your family? If not, I think this is probably the time to do so.

Pinky,

First things first, it is no good you sitting at your desk about to burst in tears. You need time to resolve this situation, is there a chance you can take 2 days off work?

If not, do you think you can go to your GP, explain the situation, it will be good to speak to a real person. Maybe get some medication to help you sleep, calm down a bit and maybe get a sick note for a couple of days off.

I strongly urge you to go and stay with family or friends for TLC.

Weddings get cancelled all the time, it really is not a huge deal. Please do not feel pressured into going ahead, I am sure a mum/sister/friend can deal with that. I know I would do it for a friend, no question asked.

Pinky, please don't worry what others will think. Look at this thread, we don't even know you and nobody is saying anything bad about you. Your family and friends love you and they are looking forward to the wedding because they think it will make you happy. You will be amazed at how much support there will be if you have the courage to say 'not until i am ready and sure'.

Having said that, you don't have to do it all yourself (or get him to do it, necessarily - how could you trust him to actually get in touch with people and tell them this thing, if he won't discuss it with you??) This is what your mother, a friend, your colleague, ANYONE who wishes you well will do for you. Frankly, if you send someone here a list of email addresses, we would do it for you!

Don't lie about the reason for cancelling, you need truth in your life right now. But you don't have to go into huge explanations or give specific reasons either. Everyone will understand it's not something you do lightly and if they are true friends they will not press you for explanations if/until you want to give them. HTH.

Pinky, the horrendous lying is one thing, but the absolute lack of remorse is quite another. It's difficult to feel any sympathy for him if he believes he was in the right all along. If he finds these kind of lies acceptable and nothing to get worked up about, then what other lies is he likely to have told, or will tell in te future? What else is there lurking in the closet that you haven't stumbled upon yet?

Cancelling the wedding is really not going to make you look bad, especially not compared to going ahead with the wedding and divorcing 3 months later when the next bombshell gets dropped. It happens. I have had several friends get married at less than a couple of weeks notice because of cancellations at their venue of choice. Don't go ahead with the wedding out of a sense of duty - you are not obliged to marry this callous liar, and after this, you owe him nothing. The day will be hell. You won't enjoy it. MIL will be there making you feel like you're lucky to be marrying her precious son. You have to postpone the wedding at the very least. Leave him at the altar and let everyone enjoy the knees-up regardless if you have to. Don't legally tie yourself to this clearly very troubled man until you know 100% what you are getting into - ie. he tells you everything, and you know he's not lying.

Please call the wedding off. You don't have to tell everybody the reason. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he has. You don't have to never speak to him again or call of the relationship straight away. He needs to discuss it fully, you need proof of where he was, where his money came from etc, don't take his word for it ask for evidence in black and white.

You need to protect your security, well done for providing so well for your DS.

I'm sorry you have to go through this but marrying him now will be a mistake, you will never be able to trust a word he says.

"How do I tell 150 people?". Answer - you don't. You tell the most significant person/people in each group and ask them to contact the others - so you need to tell someone in your family - mum or sister would be an obvious choice, but whoever you feel you can trust. They then phone/text/email the rest of your family - you don't need to be calling up every obscure cousin and aunty at the moment.

You tell him, and maybe his mother, that it is off and they need to pass that on to his family members.

Friends - again, you can tell a close friend and have them tell the others. He can deal with his friends.

The practicalities - well, again I'd hope your mum could sort them out if you give her a list?

Then, you can take a deep breath because the pressure is off, give yourself a bit of space to catch up with yourself, then once you're ready start thinking about where you want to go with this.

Pinky you said "I don't have any evidence or proof of where he's been getting the money from all his mail goes to his mum's address. He could be in debt im none the wiser.

I asked him to show me proof of where he was getting the money which he had been giving me he said he will show me statements but to be honest I feel he's only saying that because he is scared i'm about to cancel the wedding!!!"

When I lived with DS's Dad, I never, ever saw any statements or bills - nothing. I asked and asked but nothing was ever forthcoming. The OH got quite snippy when I told him I wanted to see the bills etc.

Fast forward to one day 6 weeks after DS was born and there's a knock at the door - the bailiffs....

Fast foward to one evening a year later - the building society asking when they could expect our mortgage arrears to be cleared.

Fast foward another 6 months and my ex has pissed his considerable Xmas bonus PLUS the food money up the wall leaving us without any money for food 2 days before Xmas.

Fast forward another 11 months and me and DS are out of there. This was 10 years ago. Never looked back. Never ever trust someone who is not upfront about bills/bank statements/credit card statements and all things financial. JUST DON'T DO IT....