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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out my fiance is a liar need advice

112 replies

pinky33 · 29/09/2009 16:43

Hi All

I am new to this so please bear with me. I have been with my DD for 8 years now we had a good relationship or so I thought. My DD left his job 18 months ago he assured me that he had a new job to go to. So for the past 18 months he's been getting up early and going to work nothing unusual in that you say expect I just found out 2 days ago that he has no job and has been pretending to go to work for the past 18 months.

He's been giving me house keeping money which he says was from his savings I don't know whether to believe him I dread to think if he has accumulated debt due to his lying.

I found out from his mother. You see we are getting married in 2 weeks. I don't know what to do now cancel the wedding i can't beleive he lied to me for so long. DD has promised that he will find a job after we're married and says that he is sorry he lied.

I have a DS who is 10 from a previous relationship he loves my DD and they have a very close relationship. My DS doesn't see his real father that often so DD has really played a huge part in raising him over the past 8 years.

I know I'm going on a bit but I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly accepted.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinky33 · 30/09/2009 14:28

Thanks lemonylemon I so appreciate yours and everyone elses advice im so grateful that there are people out there that can understand this dilemma i'm in. I do feel so alone.

He's still living with me I think I need to throw him out .I need to explain this to my poor little DS.

Im not srtrong enough to make cancellations phonecalls at the moment am going to wait til this evening to tell my close friends.

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 30/09/2009 14:33

I agree with the others. I am so sorry.

My father cancelled his first wedding fairly close to time and a close cousin of mine did also. It's not easy but in the long run you will be so glad that you were strong enough to save yourself.

bradsmissus · 30/09/2009 14:39

I'm so sorry you feel so alone. Sharing it with friends will help I'm sure. When you can't/don't tell anyone about something this big, you can drive yourself insane running things round and round in your head.

I hope you will have lots of support to get through this situation.

Keep posting too if that helps. There are lots of people on here with very wise words!

Original poster
pinky33 · 30/09/2009 14:41

need to also cancel the hen party that my best friend is throwing me on saturday. she spent so much money on it to make it perfect for me. i'm in a really dark place now.

OP posts:
LuluSkipToMyLou · 30/09/2009 14:45

Or you can tell her the situation and go out anyway. A 'lucky escape' party?

Sorry, probably not funny. Try not to feel as if it's all your fault. It's grim right now, but it could have been so much worse if you'd found out later, as others have said.

Lemonylemon · 30/09/2009 14:51

Pinky Don't cancel the hen night - just cancel the "weddingy bits" about it. Have a good night out with your friends and family and count your blessings.

Also, your DS will be fine so long as you are fairly honest with him. He'll feel more protective of you, than upset about anything else. Make some time for you and your DS to do little things together like have a cinema night - cuddled up on the sofa, eating popcorn and watching a film in the dark... Or having a "pizza" night, or a carpet picnic. These are all silly, little things I used to do (still do sometimes) with my DS when times were dark and needed a little light shone....

Yes, you need to get your fiance to move out, too....

thedolly · 30/09/2009 14:55

pinky33 - tell your best friend. You could still go ahead and have a party as I'm sure your friends will want to rally round and help you through this.

Don't worry about how you look in all this, now is not the time to be proud. We all get 'duped' at one time or another. Ask him to leave rather than throw him out - keep the moral high ground in all of this.

With regards to your son, I would be honest with him and tell him how important trust is in a relationship and that you no longer trust your partner. It will be a valuable life lesson for him.

Good luck with it all.

catsmother · 30/09/2009 15:06

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you have nothing to reproach yourself for. The "best" liars are those who are extremely good at it (as you'd expect) and if you're a decent honest person yourself it's natural to trust someone close to you.

Don't worry about what "people" will think. Chances are that his "side" may well get told a load of lies but really, do their opinions matter ? Your friends and family will rally round and be hugely relieved that you found out before getting married, and will admire your strength in saying no.

I think his lack of remorse is quite astonishing and horribly arrogant. That attitude alone - apart from the lying itself - would sound big alarm bells for me ....... a clear lack of normal moral boundaries for a start, and also one hell of a big superiority complex if he can't see he owes you both an explanation and an apology. If his mother refuses to accept he hasn't lied to you (well then, what the hell does she think he was doing ?!) chances are that he's been raised as a spoilt little prince who can do no wrong and whose needs & wants far excede anyone else's. You obviously do NOT want to be married to someone like that whose selfishness is condoned by his mother.

I wish you luck for telling your friends and family later. They'll no doubt be very shocked but will be furious on your behalf.

mathanxiety · 30/09/2009 16:46

I would dump him just on the basis of what his mother said to you, tbh. This discovery of yours is a gift. It has revealed people in their true colours. Don't throw this gift away. "Lucky" to have found a man who "accepted" your precious child . OMG.

Janee79 · 30/09/2009 16:52

Message deleted

mathanxiety · 30/09/2009 17:05

Pinky, call the church or town hall or wherever your wedding venue is first, and the reception place, if you have one. It will be very business-like and good practice for saying the words to your mum and family. Plus, it will be official when you tell the family. Agree, you don't have to be the one doing any telling or explaining to the 150 people. Enlist the help of everyone close to you. I don't think the P will co-operate and shouldn't be relied upon to do this. It involves courtesy, maturity and honesty, after all...

CayPeag · 30/09/2009 17:39

And please let us know how it's going? We're all fretting about you now :-)

nje3006 · 01/10/2009 09:37

Please please don't get married now. Just b/c you don't get married doesn't mean to say you have to end the relationship now. I agree with the others, it's the unwillingness to discuss it which would worry me. The embarrassment of having to explain to people the wedding is off is far, far less than the mess that will be created by marrying this man who let's face it, you don't really know.

You could send an email to those people who have email to say that the wedding is off and asking for privacy and space. you could divide up the invitees and ask each person to tell someone else so you don't have to tell them. However you do it, it's much better a bit of pain now that the shedloads that will come your way if you don't face reality now.

Winebeforepearls · 01/10/2009 09:47

Pinky, how truly awful, so sorry you're having to go through this. Did you tell any of your friends last night?

Is there one particularly good friend you could tell, who could 'hold your hand' (possibly literally) while you make those phone calls?

Original poster
pinky33 · 01/10/2009 09:50

Hi All

Just want to say thanks for all the words of wisdom. I had a long conversation with DP last night and just said to him straight out that I was cancelling the wedding and coud not bear to live with a liar for the rest of my life.

As I expected DP was absolutely beside himself tried to tell me how so sorry he was, that he was trying to protect me and just couldn't face telling me after he had initially lied. I said that he was totally out of order to string it out for 18 MONTHS!!!

To cut a long story short I told him to get the FU£K out of my house he begged and pleaded stating how much he loved me etc etc but I stood firm. He eventually left.

Next I called my best friend I was quite emotional and drained at this point I really tried hard to tell her but I guess the words would'nt come out. She asked what was wrong and I burst into tears. I eventually told her the mess I was in. She was so shocked and angry. She reassured me that I should do what is best for me and she would stick by me no matter what and also help me with the awful business of cancellations etc.

DP appeared back at my home in the early hours of this morning cluthcing a handful of bank statements his proof that he wasn't in debt that he had used his savings all this time. He looked like crap and left again saying once again how sorry he was.

I woke up this morning feeling like my whole world is crumbling all around me. I always thought I was so strong and independant just fell like a total loser now. To make matters worse DS tuxedo arrived this morning I just burst into tears in front of the delivery man. Composed myself before heading off for work and thanking the person who had invented waterproof mascara.

Sorry to go on I'm pathetic I no.

OP posts:
Winebeforepearls · 01/10/2009 09:54

YOu're not pathetic, my love, this is a horrible stressful thing to happen, especially when it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life .

But you did the right thing. I'm glad you've got good friends who can support you.

Have you got sympathetic boss who might give you a few days off - if you could bear to tell them what's going on?

savoycabbage · 01/10/2009 09:56

Oh Pinky you are not pathetic! You are doing wonderfully well in terrible circumstances. You are being strong and you are being independent. It's great that you have told your friend.

VerityBrulee · 01/10/2009 09:57

Oh pinky, well done, you are so courageous to have thrown him out.

The worst is over now, your friends and family will help you through this, the rest is only practical details.

You have so much going for you, you are strong and independant, and you have your ds. Not much else matters.

Winebeforepearls · 01/10/2009 09:58

Meant to say also, no one who's half-decent will feel anything except extreme sympathy and outrage for you. And the rest aren't worth worrying about.

Buda · 01/10/2009 10:01

You poor thing. Well done for having the strength to tell him to leave and call things off.

I am sure he was devastated. Tough luck. He should have been upfront.

He must have had bloody good savings to live on them all this time. And presumably pay for a wedding. What the hell was he thinking?

BitOfFun · 01/10/2009 10:04

You've done the right thing- you can't marry someone who can lie so glibly. I'm really sorry he has put you through this- hopefully you will look back on this as your narrow escape and a turning point for you. You need to take some time for yourself now and recover.

nje3006 · 01/10/2009 10:19

People who care about you will only want to help you. As I said in my previous post, you don't have to end the relationship if you don't want to. But getting out of the wedding is the first priority. DF must talk to you about this if he wants to save the relationship.

You've done the right thing. Don't doubt yourself. And yes, thank God for waterproof mascara...

CayPeag · 01/10/2009 10:58

Well done for that. Hopefully he's now realising the enormity of what he's done. If he wants to remain in your life - and you want to see if anything can be made of this - he'll now know that he has to be completely frank with you about what's going on.

It'll take time, but you will get over this.

xx

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED · 01/10/2009 10:58

You are so NOT pathetic. You are STRONG.

BettySuarez · 01/10/2009 11:37

Well done Pinky, you have made a tremendous decison - but 100% the right one too.

There will be time for talking later on and always the possibility that may be able to rebuild your relation with your DP over time but for now, you are safe and strong!

Well done x

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